Things are a little behind over here, if you haven’t noticed. But not for much longer. See, I put this together for you!
Stay tuned for your regularly scheduled programming….but first..
(780): Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP.
(281): Too tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don’t want to know what that says about my life.
(404): Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka.
(310): Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
(910): I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I’m texting with.
(816): It’s just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
(860): New carpet is nice. I’m making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
(978): we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost ‘badass’ and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we’re not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we’re not allowed to throw them.
(631): I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone”.
(910): Found the puke drawer.
(859): and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
(734): we got kicked out of McDonald’s because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
(248): …that shit cray.
(607): just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out.
(612): So I did end up texting him last night… I asked him how he felt about haircuts… not sure where I was going with that one?
(206): Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
(630): How much did you drink?
(708): Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea.
(563): This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA.
(519): We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs…… I won by the way.
(978): No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again.
(914): So somebody asked her is she’s okay.She turned around,started running and screamed “Ballet is running through my veins” before doing a small pirouette.It’s amazing how she managed not to fall.
(303): doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult.
(302): I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment.
(508): 81 degrees in april…. Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
(208): You had me at “mimosas” several texts ago.
(956): Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
(662): What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
(231): My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
(270): My last google search of the night was “Things that cost $102.50”.
(508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said “I hope you are not on fire” and hung up.
(078): Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
(760): You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
(478): Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
(616): Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I’m obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
(541): You would be my first round pick for a drinking team.
(916): the gays at disneyland are vicious.
(307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
(301): I’m about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
(301): Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
(781): i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
(517): This baby is an asshole.
(603): Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing…
(518): Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge.
(608): I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
(949): Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
(+44): The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can’t respond positively to that he can fuck off…
(315): Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men.
(908): You couldn’t find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
(732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
(716): We should install the ‘help i’ve fallen and can’t get up’ buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
(505): I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
(703): OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
(317): The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
(626): obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that.
(973): Hahahaaa There’s this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex’s leg. He’s trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
(719): I need to stop going to bars and yelling “I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!”
(832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem.
(616): EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER.
(44): You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to ‘Jesus and all the other guys’ for drinking on a Sunday.
(330): I can’t tell if I’m hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face.
(817): I’ll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children’s children.
(724): Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
(904): after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.
(419): we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.
(954): My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted??
(734): WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES.
(870): Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious.
(770): You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying “it’s fine, they melt.”
(805): So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
(1-805): Sweet. Did I win?
(805): Youre hungover arent you?
(215): can’t blv i tried using a “backpack” as a unit of measurement…i drank a lot of beer last night.
(208): You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
(812): I tell myself every day I shouldn’t be friends with you.
(323): I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can’t choke on an apple btw.
(310): She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf…and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
(310): so no, not her best night.
(701): Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab…