Sounds familiar

This is the final entry in a long-running series – texts from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like they should/could be from my friends. We’ve had a good run, but I think it’s time I move on to other fun features for you guys.

So, please enjoy.

(609): I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.

(612): In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed

(703): Sexting is killing my work productivity but it’s okay because I’m self-employed

(650): Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

(+44): I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT

(408): Every person I’ve ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.

(774): Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum…. I’m LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.

(571): He’s nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you’re. I win.

(513): And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I’m supposed to be awake now.

(215): I convinced her that there were two p’s in Chipotle – the 2nd one was silent.

(773): Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago

(709): So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today….. at work.

(608): I’m still home, my life isn’t together. Currently drying my pants

(859): Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you

(708): THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS

(810): The power of my boobs compel you

(828): I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it

(321): A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever

(617): You just get me

(443): I’m the wind beneath your wings, bitch

(505): We’re too hungover to prance.

(305): I’m sad about how hungover I’m gonna feel tomorrow.

(403): Clearly you’ve confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.

(989): I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.

(508): I’m currently deliberating if I’m going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.

(734): Margaritas just taste better when they’re bigger than your head

(812): Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone

847): He’s interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us

(208): He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive 

(315): Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots

(612): A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.

(484): dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread

(847): I can’t open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchat filter

(256): Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I’m a fucking lady.

(720): I’m torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers

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Sounds familiar

It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these..

For those who might be new to the party… I am in about three different group texts that I communicate in regularly, with my very best friends.

These texts aren’t from them, they’re ones that got submitted to textsfromlastnight.com, but they very easily could be from one or more of my friends.

Enjoy.

(816): I just bought myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.

(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned “I know this gets you going.” What?

(516): He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.

(281): I’m slowly getting to where I don’t hate people anymore.  (281): Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.

(978): I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can’t win ’em all

(585): There’s just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on

(203): So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later

(508): I just said “I love my cat” as a hobby.

(307): All im saying is that my face might fall off.

(425): Please don’t throw the wedding bouquet at me

(815): All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.

(423): But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.

(720): This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.

(540): Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.

(319): Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

(303): I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.

(757): Why is “Oprah of drinks” written on my arms?  (540): You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, “You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink.”

(910): It’s sad that I’m more proud of my Twitter account then my resume

(219): are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?

(860): I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon

(240): Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90’s and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!

(813): Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.

(845): If a treadmill opens up I’ll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth

(387): It’s astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know

(215): Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat

(415): I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED

(502): I mean, it’s just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can’t live up to it.

603): omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you’re singing “where are you Pizza” to the tune of “where are you christmas” too loudly

(321) YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT. 

(847): You texted me the words “butt stuff” 53 times in a four hour period last night.

(608): I’m just gonna put on a documentary and throw up

(207): I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked….

(813): This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)  (863): New phone new life!

(603): Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.

(978): i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930’s would have died from

(248): Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.

(360): All I’ve had to eat today are potatoes…and by that I mean vodka and chips

(216): Those nachos came to me in a dream

(425): I feel sorry for the person who’s phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I’m giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day

(707): So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up

(707): I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me’s hero

(519): Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.

(225): You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting

(585): I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk

(716): So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder

(575): Apparently I was telling them, “I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON’T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR,” and I pulled my hair back and puked.

(516): People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

(814): The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

(Getting out of) my own way

There’s an underrated movie – the sequel to “Get Shorty.” It’s called “Be Cool” and if you haven’t watched it, you should. Even though he’s extra creepy now, John Travolta does alright in it – but the better parts in it are any featuring Vince Vaughn, The Rock or Andre 3000. Best parts (in my opinion) are in the video below (very best is right about the 6:15 mark).

Anyways. Be Cool. The phrase, not the movie, has been on my mind lately. Because, wouldn’t ya know it, one of the hardest things someone with anxiety can try to do or be told to do is “be cool.”

I wish I could tell you that after my last long post – you know, the one about Tinder and being single and finding love and all that – I’ve been MIA because that boy who asked me the trivia question and I fell in love and were living happily ever after.

Not quite.

We hung out, a couple of times. Until it became apparent (which it should have earlier) that he had different ideas about what we were than I did. Which is fine. If it weren’t for the games it took to get to that point. And some other things I won’t add here. And part of it, I will admit, was my own fault, because, silly me, I expected him to want to talk to me and get to know me more than he actually did.

So back to it, right?

Yes, but with stipulations. This next time, no games. And if they say some weird stuff up front, THAT IS A SIGN, LAURA. That meant weeding out guys like the dude who messaged me and asked me to do something I hope no one ever asks me to again because that’s the SECOND time in my life that’s happened and, REALLY?? No thank you.

There is this one though. We’ve texted for a while now. And have attempted to go out three times, two of which were on the days where we got the most snow we’ve gotten in years because OF COURSE WE DID. Thanks, Universe. First time I get a date in a while and you dump a foot of snow on us. Twice. Point taken.

Anyways. So far so good, which means that’s when it gets harder to be cool. And harder to stop worrying so damn much. And harder to stop getting in my own way – second guessing texts or words or as sometimes can happen, lack thereof. I have to remind myself, out loud sometimes, that I am good enough, that I am worth pursuing and being with and stuff like that because this thing that I have – my mind – is doubting me and second guessing me at every turn. By the way, if I don’t remind myself, I have others that are doing it for me, my unofficial life coaches, if you will.

I haven’t had the best luck in relationships. When I got to a point not too long ago where I thought I had, I was wrong, yet again. I guard myself quite fiercely anymore, so when someone gets in, they’re in. Which makes them deciding to leave that much harder.

I’m not punishing people going forward for what others did to me in the past. That’s a new rule. As is the one about being yourself and if they don’t like it they’re not gonna be worth your time anyway.

The fact that I’m writing an entire blog post about it may show I’m thinking about it too much which is breaking the cardinal rule of being cool. But it’s because I want to do things right. I’ve waited a long time for good things in the relationship department, and if I can stay out of my own way, maybe I’ll get them.

Can I blame the weather, partially, for this too? This winter has been miserable, and when you live with already heightened (or lowered, I guess) emotions, it can take even more of a toll. When you only want to stay in bed or on the couch (which is basically your default anyway) because it’s too cold or gross to go out, you have too much time to think. Thus the analyzing and “should I have said this and that” and “I wonder if that was stupid” or dumb things like that.

And then sometimes you drink a 45-ounce margarita and it gets worse.

Long story short – I am trying to be cool. Some days it works better than others. Some days the lies my subconscious tells me are quieter than others.

Dating is hard, kids. Dating in the social media age and when everyone communicates mainly by typed out words is harder. Dating when you have an anxiety issue is hardest.

I refuse to be a hot mess though. And I refuse to rush into anything or settle for the sake of being with someone/anyone.

So. Baby steps. And reminding myself to be cool.

Sounds familiar

As I’ve said before – my Game Night Bitchezzz and I have a GroupMe thread that’s been going on basically forever and it’s the best thing to happen to all of us, ever.

The conversations that go on in there I couldn’t explain if I tried, and I love that. They range in topic by the text, just about, and I laugh out loud reading them constantly.

The texts below aren’t from the GroupMe because what happens in there stays there, but they’re close. Some of them a little TOO close. The texts below are the ones from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like my friends. I’ve shared those a few times with you at this point..

And here are the latest. Enjoy.

(+61): only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece.

(570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with “I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me”.

(515): Can’t a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?

(540): I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don’t have to leave my bed all day.

(773): please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

(403): Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally

(661): What a dumb baby whore.

(405): She’s like the pied piper of lesbians.

(717): Fuck that.  I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

(505): There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted “the pilgrims are here!” And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

(604): every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

(410): I’ve been drunk in my life. But I’ve never been “crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon” drunk

(202): there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

(920) This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won’t throw up but I might cry.

(563) I don’t want to jinx anything but I may have found the one
(262) Cat or human?
(563) Human

(813): He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

(303): My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because “I looked like I needed them.”

(267): Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?

(816): You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption “best friend”

(919): every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like “thanks happy birthday to you too”

(941): Thanks for coming over. I’m sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
(618):There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I’m at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
(972): If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

(585): PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME

(+44): This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he’s licking his headphone cords.
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(407): The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(248): After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
(305):And then my night got REAL pukey

(913):Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no

(919):I’m so hungover I can’t taste anything

(217):I get a little bitchy. We all know that
(920): Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.

(864): I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.

(201): Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?

(617): you wouldn’t let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled “BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT” and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
(508): it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10

(636): I’m the Oprah of jello shots

(972): I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.

(301): You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

(954): Cause I’ll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell “Cobra attack” and walk away

(989): I don’t want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.

Sounds familiar, special edition

A few months ago, my life was changed by an iPhone app. Not Candy Crush. GroupMe.

You used it? It was introduced to me by one of my best friends in an attempt to get us all into a group message outside the regular texts. It’s genius, really, because seriously who hasn’t wished for an opportunity to opt out or at the very least take a break from constant notifications in group texts? GroupMe lets you do that, plus you can like comments, post pics and video, have a big group in there, so naturally I pitched it to the Game Night Bitchezzz. They were apprehensive at first, but now I think we pretty much all are in agreement it’s the best thing that’s happened to our group.

The conversations in that group – I couldn’t recreate them if I tried. But they generally run the gamut from almost normal to who the hell talks about this and how did we get here.

That said, this edition of “Sounds Familiar” won’t be like the others. This special edition is basically what you’d see if you got involved in our GroupMe conversations. Any one of these could have been said in there – and may have, sometimes in the same conversation.

Love those kids.

Sounds like…the GNB GroupMe

(407) Halfway through the lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

(314) Going to be a long day. Text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.

(606) Does the room smell any better?
(859) Yeah, I sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria’s Secret, if Victoria’s Secret was that she was homeless.

(616) Took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. I’m gonna puke at this wedding.

(203) Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can’t make that judgment right now.

(630) What eyeshadow color says “Yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don’t judge my life choices.”

(406) I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.

(425) I am thankful for thumbs.
(425) Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
(425) Land dolphins.

(314) i just tried to text you by typing “whoa” into my contacts.

(832) Get you some cowboy.
(832) In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.

(612) I got “plug” during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it.

(919) All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.

(312) His constant posting of “inspirational” Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It’s like holy shit dude, you’re almost 30.

(719) Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman i met on the bus. What are you doing?

(847) I was like kind of drunk but mostly just enthusiastic about Beyonce.

(541) Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy.

(302) I’m training the dog to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I’m going to be the coolest parent ever.

(805) Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313) Everything hurts.

(856) She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.

(513) She’s dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a “campfire taste”

(610) Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night

(318) There is a glee singalong. It’s on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape.

(586) If I ever have a kid with an outie I’m giving it up for adoption.

(518) So I’m going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way too many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me.

(330) WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING & FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND “hot shot 6th grader”

(585) seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs.

(734) The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!

(647) I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I’m just not a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus.

(816) I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when I deal with people. For example, right now, I’m grading, and I just don’t fucking care anymore. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.

(816) So apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. Am I winning college yet?

(518) I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are

(919) There is an alarming amount of food in my bra

(910) Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up you guys last night.

(647) Btw…I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don’t let me do tequila ever again.

(703) I think my cats understand what porn is. And it’s all my fault.

(815) You said you bright chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes

(559) They were arguing about who would hit the pinnate first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the pinnate and their hearts.

(317) SORRY BITCH CAN’T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.

(847) My day in three words: secret purse cake.

(269) “I wasn’t planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway.” — some guy on the bus with a chicken
(269) “Yeah, I only have nine toes.” – that same guy

(512) It’s just weird to think of you as a teacher since i’ve seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house

(425) So what are you going to be for halloween?
(503) A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus

(908) In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.

(815) I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
(317) Is it necessary to steal the whole car?

(313) I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my grandma. My dad was like, grandma says you’re all over fb but she doesn’t know how to use it. Of course I’m all over her fb. She’s got 6 friends I am her newsfeed.

(805) I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
(714) I could

(610) Moment of the night: You were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt my hand for me. This is why we’re roommates.

(512) You were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the “big chips” because it was your 21st birthday

(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.

(202) Vodka and jameson is not a mixed drink

(678) Actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.

(902) He managed to find a wheelchair and a super mario hat, now he’s rolling around screaming “real life mario kart!”

(334) We don’t have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. So that’s how my day started.

(219) I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!

(719) The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets
(719) This has been a party success story.

(812) I would take a bullet for Beyonce’s baby

(785) They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

(785) SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE “METHLAB” FAVORITED THAT PICTURE

(806) Also I’m proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.

(631) Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
(508) I believe they call that patchouli.

(561) am i new drunk or am i still drunk

(219) Realized we were outta OJ, used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here.

(734) I think the only context in which I’d be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths

(407) I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank God we didn’t work out because I can’t be with someone that incompetent.

(870) Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
(1-870) I’m going to have to start taking your phone after 10. that’s when all the cat pictures come.

(714) GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST WOOOOOO

(613) We are 100 percent horrible people, and I’m extremely happy we are friends

(615) It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes

(+61) I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I’d change species

(318) Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It’s titled “Tequila: Still A Bad Idea.”

(201) There is soup leaking out of my nose. Nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

(610) I have vodka and a slip n slide so if you could come over that would be great

(516) She’s been with the dude for a week saying she’s in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY

(541) Aaaand my mom is wearing jeggings.

(480) Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

(330) Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this Xmas?

(253) I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.

(+49) I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with “keep babushka safe” written on it. Fuck vodka.

(512) You kept running up to random groups of people and saying “I’m a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!” and they all listened to you.

(973) Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet. 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius.

(586) It’s a good night to get drunk in my ones.

(908) HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY HEART

(352) I’m walking home wearing Kermit the frog foot pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It’s fucking christmas!

(301) She texted me “with freud,” which I thought was drunk for “I’m with my friend.” But nope. She was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.

(310) Quick question, when did I develop feelings and how can I make them go away?
(626) That’s two questions.

(415) Feeling better?
(720) I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.

(832) I mean I’m not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle.

(702) God it’s like my stomach is full of drunk bees.

Sounds familiar NINETEEN

Nineteen of these suckers? Whoa. Maybe at some point I’ll stop putting the numbers after. OR, I will keep going, until there’s like 103,290 of them. I haven’t decided yet.

In the meantimes, please enjoy these hand-selected texts that probably sound like you!

Sounds like…Me
(361) Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 a.m. What the fuck?

(305) Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at Target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.

(217) Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: If we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.

(765) I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

(678) Well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list

(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime…its that time.

(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.

(319) nothing says happy birthday Jesus like a shot with your loved ones.

(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.

(310) I do. There’s a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had two beers.

(631) I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone.”

(413) Today I’m judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It’s not looking good for me.

(502) You don’t lie about slip n slides.

(212) He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d’oeuvres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket.
(617) I will never doubt you again…he IS perfect for you.

(601) I just realized I use Twitter to keep track of when I get drunk.

(406) So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn’t actually happen. When did vodka become a hallucinogen

(954) You pretty much isn’t said it
(404) Those words don’t go together

(775) May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony’s sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.

(319) You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.

(905) Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said
“Good job you found me.” Drunk me is an ass.

(602) I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.

(802) Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
(401) Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

(310) Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?

(319) I have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying “pocket of champions” or something along those lines.

(815) Drink for every country you’ve never heard of.
(630) Fuuuuuuck.

(903) I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

(254) Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn’t what I thought it was gonna be.
(254) It’s TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54.

(603) The only people who have said happy valentines to me today have been 2 homeless people.

(607) Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has “Momma’s Boy” tattooed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

(419) Apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. Told him about 15 times that he was “really pretty”

(970) That’s cool. At least the punch line of my story isn’t I shit in a booth at denny’s.

(904) I need to stop drinking. Side note: We have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that.

(+44) I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of “trapped in the closet” complete with interpretive dance at my funeral.

(910) I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy

(717) Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. YOu have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717) Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the sock is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

(207) Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers. Miss you…

Sounds like…Rachel
(601) He was doing push-ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I’m not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.

(336) That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on.

(405) I wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

(267) Your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

(773) Why didn’t you say something constructive like “Stop chugging that vodka”

(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear”

(260) apparently I saved myself a memo last night titled “cake” and all it says is “I love it so much.”

(619) You assured me you’d make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

(858) The only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that
in 2 hours I’ll be drunk at the circus.

(850) It’s okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical
explanation: 5 martinis.

(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he
came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let
me be a lady.

(902) He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying “FREE
VODKA SHOTS.” He is to blame

(919) Coming to you live from the floor of my office…

(+61) I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was “The whole clam.” I hope that means something to you.

(303) Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into. Who says chivalry is dead?

(810) Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of July?

(773) You said you’d make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I’ll be expecting that Monday.

(209) Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas.

(506) I feel like everything in this room is sweating.

(412) Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 a.m.

(570) Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.

(513) I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m OK and back I love you goodnight.
(413) I stole a bike. Here’s a pic

(336) He obviously didn’t care that I was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater

Sounds like…Sami
(645) Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

(630) my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win.

(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast…oh to be a poor college student…everyday is like a carnival.

(706) I’m on page 4
(1-706) I’m on beer infinity

(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

(610) we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk

(303) It tasted disgusting. but I pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol.

(574) Should I go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
(1-574) Mariachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

(618) Just because your phone has a case on it doesn’t mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

(973) Did you see the video of me eating a marshmallow on fire?

(262) At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun.
(262) Like that actually happened I wasn’t hallucinating

(413) They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA.

(267) But theres a keg here and me gusta

(816) Where are you?
(1-816) Talk to you later, Gotta sled down these stairs real quick.

(321) Mom just told me I had to find a fake by next wednesday.

(250) I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30 a.m. Do you know what “UNS UNS UNS” sounds like at 8:30 a.m.? Murder. It sounds like murder.

(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.

(917) Idk but I can hear her singing “Call Me Maybe” really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now.

(402) I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground because one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don’t worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

(781) Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

(586) I’m drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.

(217) I just don’t understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

(443) I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night.

(772) SHe came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying “maybe partying will help.” Showed up to class today and puked three times.

Sounds like…Anthony
(617) I am puke

(610) I couldn’t wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night.

(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
(1-602) you mean pants?

(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

(734) If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me jimmy john’s

(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.

(651) You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

(480) In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered “America…”

(078) Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

(252) I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds.

(573) Bitch, I been trine reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

(208) I robbed the continental breakfast that night.

(205) I am 100 percent planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is
America. Work or no work.

(705) I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

(812) I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

(401) No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was “i fell out.”

(304) You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

(312) You kept making up “snapple facts” eery time you opened a beer

Sounds like…Jennifer
(402) He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet, singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don’t know whether to laugh or help him.

(716) Just learned how to deliver a baby. the things I saw tonight can never be unseen.

(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.

(401) I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.

(208) Please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.

(440)I’m at work. We just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. I don’t even know.

(704) Don’t underestimate her when she starts going by “the vodka queen”

(403) I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now.

(919) DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT?
(1-919) Oh God.

(662) So do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would equal s’mores?
(1-662) In some strange universe, yes.

(519) My neighbor is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now.

(250) How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??

(724) I did nothing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke.

(903) I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, I woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

(908) and then you looked me right in the eyes and said “I just really wanna pet some horses right now”

(785) Dammit. Bohemian Rhapsody is gonna get stuck in my head again. Fuck you Olympics.

(+61) There was a photo of his face glued to a life-size Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye

(970) You will not judge me for my made up holiday of wine appreciation day

(780) Just to warn you I probably won’t be able to do anything that involves standing up.

(978) You need a Twittervention. You’re better than this.

Sounds like…Liz
(704) Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

(416) Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.

(434) I’ve decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth.

(904) After tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.

(320) I’ll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

(781) I just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

(703) I wouldn’t take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

(412) I cried singing “call me maybe” on the way home from the bar. what the fuck.

(913) I’m like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I’m three for three. I’m on a roll.

(260) Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because
absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

(218) At what point last night did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

(701) does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

(973) Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

(608) We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.

(502) You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it’s about to happen.

(412) another day, another engagement, another cat.

(703) Ahh November 1st. National Untagging Day.

Sounds like…Sammi
(804) He drunk texted me to give me his number with the message “I gotchu pretty eyes” I can’t tell if he’s complimenting me or himself.

(724) I’m drunk and confused, there might be a four-year-old here

(815) I’m watching he’s just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.

(219) Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest ’cause he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.

(832) I got eye-fucked by an 80-year-old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

(954) My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted?

(706) oh my god I am going to vomit. And little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.

(709) A cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor and then
gave me his number

(217) Wedding update: no alcohol, 75 percent of people have left, no
one is dancing, no single groomsmen and it’s 5:30. I’m going the fuck
home to drink by myself.

(713) I just got carded by a 10 year old.

(337) Will do. If it all falls through I’m just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run through it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th birthday.

Sounds like…Ashley
(773) our cab driver is having phone sex

(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally, I made some new male friends.

(336) Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

(407) There’s a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.

(719) The girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case.
(573) WTF.

(760) She went to pee and I could hear her singing “Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers” from Bambi through the door.

(758) He kept waking up periodically throughout the night to bite my ear and pass back out.

(613) You got in the cab and told the cab driver “We only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast.”

Sounds like…Rebeck
(319) i brought red and green boones farm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone

(765) I’m embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. I’m also embracing the high probability i will not remember this night.

(614) Woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.

(831) I just heard a guy call his kid “Google” in a way that leads me to believe that’s his name. This day couldn’t get worse.

(520) He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie’s his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

(04) This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

(402) I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end?

Sounds like…Niki
(614) Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday.

(704) Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.

(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900-calorie PB&J. Fuck a serving size.

(812) IVs should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I’m dehydrated.

(630) Makers Mark. Chicken Nuggets in a blender. Smart.

(606) I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

(512) Just so you know, I’m standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

(972) I’m unshowered, and since I’ve seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I’ve decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 a.m. I’m crushing life.

(715) 1.Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

(313) we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles

(306) No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

(310) Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide

Sounds like…Sarah
(925) anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption “mAh DreAM caR” is getting denied as my Facebook friend.

(901) Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

(224) Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.

(701) Hey, I got 20 percent of the people home that I was responsible for. I can’t be expected to do much more.

(419) We can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.

(618) The cab driver said that we weren’t the worst shit show he’d ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

(920) sometimes when I’m drunk I choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

(480) Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

(310) I’m not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don’t know a better way to spend a hangover.

(616) I paid your cover too so you’re on the list as tits mcgee. You’re welcome.

(919) We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

(913) Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together. I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this.

(231) A guy wearing a shirt that says “eat shit and die motherfucker” just held open a door for me. He’s got manners

Sounds like..Stephanie
(708) For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night…

(304) Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

(443) My number one goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.

(775) Things I learned at work today: Do not put mayonnaise on a tattoo. It will get infected.

(201) They were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne

(469) I didn’t mean to leave you there I just didn’t know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.

(216) Every Thursday I draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who I will drunkenly text all weekend.

(708) I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.

(360) I think I accidentally made vodka pancakes.

Sounds familiar XVIII

Really, these are self-explanatory at this point. And look, Steph, you’re included this time!

Sounds like… me
(352): You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.

(606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

(514): Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

(303): Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds

(502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

(303): im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival

(612): Do you know how to give stiches?
(1-612): I do not…this text concerns me

(630): There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

(443): He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said “it was just a burp”.

(719): And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
(607): I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero

(616): took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding…

(304): Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

(412): It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, “you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion”

(479): Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year.  Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

(336): Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

Sounds like… Rachel
(772): The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001…..i will never question my eye problems again.

(970): i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houston’s “i wanna dance with somebody” you left on my voicemail.

(469): Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

(407): I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

(817): You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?

(517): Here’s my first problem: I’m drunk

(303): why does he always try to puke into shot glasses

(478): I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.

(610): So I realized I’m not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

Sounds like…. Sami
(541):  Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy

(970): We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am

(651): I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.

(651): I also found a beer label in my bra and I’m pretty sure you put it there and said “this means I trust you”

(216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing “ill make a man out of you” from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i’d ever seen.

(+44): I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn’t get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said “oh dear” really calmly.

(714): Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

(814): Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?

(217): I’ve started making all these amazing things…like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

Sounds like… Anthony
(604): I’d steal beers with my tail.  If I were a monkey.

(231): You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.

(262): Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?

(505): I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

(402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

(320): Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

(812): I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

Sounds like… Jennifer
(585): eggs and jello shots do not qualify as ‘brunch’

(978): And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

(508): I don’t think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you’ve ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
(512): That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.

(612): Also I’d like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

(253): Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we’re getting a baby.

(608): I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.

(506): I feel like everything in this room is sweating

(330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock.  living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

(407): Don’t lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.

(408): I’m a little nervous about this St. Patty’s Day party. Seriously, we’re still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

(315): i’ll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
(802): you’re the only one i would trust to do that

(250): Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo

Sounds like… Liz
(316): its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

(317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

(502): I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic

(412): I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER

(940): Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?

(267): yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.

(512): In all seriousness…vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.

(519): He’s hungover and at the neighbour’s garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

(215): the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

(530): Maybe I’m a robot.
(831): You can’t be that drunk already

(484): we found you under the sink… we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

(915): Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.

(919): I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

Sounds like…Stephanie
(812): Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i’ve ever made in my life.

(843): The nurse told me they’re using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.

(480): Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.

(402): I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.

(208): Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up… not awkward at all.

(850): Male strippers are involved. You are coming

(513): Ok just don’t go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can’t take that.

Sounds like… Caitlin
(198): im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now

(913): You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

(802): I’ve got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it

(913): I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

(443): Don’t try to dry clothes in the microwave. They’ll catch on fire.

(732): we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

(304): I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

(613): Sorry my hands just texted you

Sounds like… Sammi
(307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

(870): He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number

(765): I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.

(907): his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

(760): I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?

(970): This stranger told me I should “start playing for the other team” and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian

(562): I don’t care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff

(865): Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them “daiquiris”

(832): I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and “space consultant.”

(425): Is it a good time to tell him he’s getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?

(209): Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I’m famous in the country!

(907): This vodka tastes like I’m not going to class tomorrow.

(415): just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

(907): Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame.  She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.

Sounds like… Ashley
(559): Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston

(366): just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.

(614): Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist

(682): Well we’re gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong

(562): Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

(860): My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

(203): you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack

(336): The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers.  A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I ‘have his back’ in a fist fight with a stranger texan.  And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif’s badge

Sounds like… Rebeck
(202): Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?

(704): She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn’t move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant’s face and said “I have a bag of sickness!”  I’ve never seen a cart move that fast.

(317): No night ever ends well that starts with “you know what this needs? More tequila”.

(760): No. I heard a cover of “my heart will go on”. This is not sanity.

(814): I can’t wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.

(978):  The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

(540): She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

(502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It’s not looking good for milk in my life anymore

(304): “So you think you can dance” turned into “so you think you can run and slide across the bar”…Jack Daniels wins

(978): Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar

Sounds familiar XVI

Things are a little behind over here, if you haven’t noticed. But not for much longer. See, I put this together for you!

Stay tuned for your regularly scheduled programming….but first..

Sounds like…Me
(780): Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP.

(281): Too tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don’t want to know what that says about my life.

(404): Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka.

(310): Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.

(910): I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I’m texting with.

(816): It’s just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.

(860): New carpet is nice. I’m making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

(978): we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost ‘badass’ and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we’re not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we’re not allowed to throw them.

(631): I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone”.

(910): Found the puke drawer.

(859): and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.

(734): we got kicked out of McDonald’s because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
(248): …that shit cray.

(607): just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out.

(612): So I did end up texting him last night… I asked him how he felt about haircuts… not sure where I was going with that one?

(206): Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.

Sounds like…Rachel
(630): How much did you drink?
(708): Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea.

(563): This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA.

(519): We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs…… I won by the way.

(978): No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again.

(914): So somebody asked her is she’s okay.She turned around,started running and screamed “Ballet is running through my veins” before doing a small pirouette.It’s amazing how she managed not to fall.

(303): doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult.

(302): I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment.

(508): 81 degrees in april…. Thinking margaritacicles, you in?

(208): You had me at “mimosas” several texts ago.

(956): Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

Sounds like…Sami
(662): What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(231): My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

(270): My last google search of the night was “Things that cost $102.50”.

(508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said “I hope you are not on fire” and hung up.

(078): Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

Sounds like…Jennifer
(760): You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.

(478): Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!

(616): Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I’m obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

(541): You would be my first round pick for a drinking team.

(916): the gays at disneyland are vicious.

(307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

(301): I’m about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
(301): Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

(781): i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

Sounds like…Sammi
(517): This baby is an asshole.

(603): Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing…

(518): Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge.

(608): I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

(949): Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

(+44): The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can’t respond positively to that he can fuck off…

(315): Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men.

(908): You couldn’t find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
(732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

(716): We should install the ‘help i’ve fallen and can’t get up’ buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.

(505): I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
(703): OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(317): The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

(626): obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that.

(973): Hahahaaa There’s this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex’s leg. He’s trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

Sounds like…Liz
(719): I need to stop going to bars and yelling “I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!”

(832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem.

(616): EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER.

(44): You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to ‘Jesus and all the other guys’ for drinking on a Sunday.

(330): I can’t tell if I’m hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face.

(817): I’ll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children’s children.

(724): Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

(904): after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.

(419): we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.

(954): My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted??

(734): WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES.

Sounds like…Anthony
(870): Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious.

(770): You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying “it’s fine, they melt.”

(805): So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
(1-805): Sweet. Did I win?
(805): Youre hungover arent you?

(215): can’t blv i tried using a “backpack” as a unit of measurement…i drank a lot of beer last night.

(208): You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

(812): I tell myself every day I shouldn’t be friends with you.

(323): I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can’t choke on an apple btw.

(310): She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf…and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
(310): so no, not her best night.

(701): Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab…

Sounds familiar XIV

There are at least three on here that I believe the person I said it sounds like has actually sent. Seriously.

Sounds like… Me
(603): He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.

(605): You were throwing up and said, “Wipe my face, I must look presentable at all times.”.

(705): You hid from a cop under some guy’s canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work.

(830): No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted “JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT” and everyone started doing them with her.

(570): Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.

(716): i looked at my phone & had a message that said “tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath.” I give you props.

(715): How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I’m anxious about it.

(406): Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift.

(717): Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717): Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

(304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I’d take care of my friends puke.

(304) I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

(507) Dear everyone. As mark stated I did the ‘piss n run’ last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. “If I could turn back time” – cher

(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime… it’s that time.

(724) I’m drunk and confused. there might be a four-year-old here.

(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear.”

Sounds like… Rachel
(478): He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

(678): Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out “I don’t have AIDS”.

(406): K, so let’s go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea.

(519): He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.

(283): He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score though.

(805): Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313): Everything hurts.

(703): No. I’m wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me.

(269) I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. stay tuned.

(401) I just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love october.

(267) your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats.

(773) why didn’t you say something constructive, like, “Stop chugging that vodka”?

Sounds like… Sami
(+44): you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

(404): my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.

(513): Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled “2010” on it from you in the mail?

(508) help help how do I get him away from me should I talk in a robot voice or something

(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. i love college.

(+44) Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future.

Sounds like… Anthony
(570): Chicken wings don’t come back up an through your nose as easily as you’d think.

(781): I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.

(860): I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs.

(936): You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper’s clevage and said “Keep this warm for me.

(734) if my nicknames are based on what i throw up, you can call me Jimmy John’s.

(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. fuck a serving size

(610) you’re the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I’m OK.

Sounds like… Jennifer
(330): Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

(406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
(1-406): That literally makes no sense
(406): Exactly.

(306): Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.

(724): Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy’s in the shitter.

(506): Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident.

(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.

(304) call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

Sounds like… Liz
(808): Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

(412): I made a Wendy’s employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night.

(216): I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair.

(780): let’s see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING.

(503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol.

(910): Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst… Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it’s obsession with chewing on cardboard…. Time for a nap.

(919): I have been drinking since 2. And I’m now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna’s helping.

(614): Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar.

(217) win + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.

(914) There’s a girl in my class named “La-a” pronounced “Luh Dash uh” I hate everyone.

(515) you ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune and 1 deal or no deal ….by yourself with sound effects and music included.

(831) tequila shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better.

Sounds like…Sammi
(609) we tried to pick out bridesmaids dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

Sounds familiar XIII

You know how they say 13 is an unlucky number? Well, in this case it’s not. It’s lucky. For you!

Sounds like…Me
(717): Gotcha. Well, I’m puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says “love the moment” around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

(515): you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you were gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny.

(727): I’ve been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn’t think I was that drunk but I guess I am.

(570): That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.

(570): They’re doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.

(478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover.

(403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn’t lose you if you went pee in the dark.

(870): Don’t make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I’ve been that girl.

(925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
(1-925): We just have a real special relationship.

(910): You went to jail last night?!
(1-910): Just a little bit.

(970): I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

(707): I would’ve been fine if I didn’t do the three shots
(1-707): You did like 8.

(310): Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

(316):So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
(1-316):That sounds dangerous
(316): Don’t worry……were wearing oven mits.

Sounds like…Anthony
(815): I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.

(616): Don’t be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

(212): You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

(360): you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

(210):Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

Sounds like…Rachel
(248): Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

(207): I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup.

(770): the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

(913): The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
(816): Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from.

(859): She’s the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon.

(314): I think mom knows I’m drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

(303): I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.

(902): I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there’s no hope for us.

(352):there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

Sounds like…Sami
(919): The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers.

(207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight.

(+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said “Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!”.

(214): How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?

(314): Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

(412): on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.

Sounds like…Liz
(217): Oh, and she’s that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns.

(508): she vomitted in her champagne, said “fuck it, it’s new years”, and continued drinking.

(281): you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka.

(203): WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS.

(443): I’m in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn’t look so pretty “in these parts”.

(404): I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.

(714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

(727): Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

(650): lol i’m looking through my photos and there’s this giant section of just dudes wearing murses.

(917): Her stripper name is Geico. I’m not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

(727): Was I really yelling “girls night” at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?

(408): Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
(831): You did a keg stand on the toilet?!

Sounds like…Jennifer
(206): I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.

(720): You’re the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

(608): not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave.

(503): You’re in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

(637): I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night.

(925): Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.

(803): Agreed. That’s like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet.

(918): It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it’s a cash bar?

(920): Just found a note from Saturday that says “rainy soft hair”…. Any ideas?

(319):Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn’t know.