Nineteen of these suckers? Whoa. Maybe at some point I’ll stop putting the numbers after. OR, I will keep going, until there’s like 103,290 of them. I haven’t decided yet.
In the meantimes, please enjoy these hand-selected texts that probably sound like you!
(361) Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 a.m. What the fuck?
(305) Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at Target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
(217) Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: If we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.
(765) I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
(678) Well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list
(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime…its that time.
(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.
(319) nothing says happy birthday Jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.
(310) I do. There’s a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had two beers.
(631) I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone.”
(413) Today I’m judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It’s not looking good for me.
(502) You don’t lie about slip n slides.
(212) He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d’oeuvres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket.
(617) I will never doubt you again…he IS perfect for you.
(601) I just realized I use Twitter to keep track of when I get drunk.
(406) So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn’t actually happen. When did vodka become a hallucinogen
(954) You pretty much isn’t said it
(404) Those words don’t go together
(775) May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony’s sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
(319) You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
(905) Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said
“Good job you found me.” Drunk me is an ass.
(602) I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
(802) Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
(401) Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
(310) Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
(319) I have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying “pocket of champions” or something along those lines.
(815) Drink for every country you’ve never heard of.
(903) I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
(254) Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn’t what I thought it was gonna be.
(254) It’s TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54.
(603) The only people who have said happy valentines to me today have been 2 homeless people.
(607) Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has “Momma’s Boy” tattooed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
(419) Apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. Told him about 15 times that he was “really pretty”
(970) That’s cool. At least the punch line of my story isn’t I shit in a booth at denny’s.
(904) I need to stop drinking. Side note: We have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that.
(+44) I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of “trapped in the closet” complete with interpretive dance at my funeral.
(910) I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy
(717) Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. YOu have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717) Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the sock is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
(207) Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers. Miss you…
(601) He was doing push-ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I’m not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
(336) That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on.
(405) I wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
(267) Your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
(773) Why didn’t you say something constructive like “Stop chugging that vodka”
(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear”
(260) apparently I saved myself a memo last night titled “cake” and all it says is “I love it so much.”
(619) You assured me you’d make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
(858) The only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that
in 2 hours I’ll be drunk at the circus.
(850) It’s okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical
explanation: 5 martinis.
(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he
came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let
me be a lady.
(902) He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying “FREE
VODKA SHOTS.” He is to blame
(919) Coming to you live from the floor of my office…
(+61) I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was “The whole clam.” I hope that means something to you.
(303) Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into. Who says chivalry is dead?
(810) Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of July?
(773) You said you’d make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I’ll be expecting that Monday.
(209) Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas.
(506) I feel like everything in this room is sweating.
(412) Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 a.m.
(570) Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.
(513) I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m OK and back I love you goodnight.
(413) I stole a bike. Here’s a pic
(336) He obviously didn’t care that I was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater
(645) Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
(630) my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win.
(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast…oh to be a poor college student…everyday is like a carnival.
(706) I’m on page 4
(1-706) I’m on beer infinity
(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
(610) we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk
(303) It tasted disgusting. but I pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol.
(574) Should I go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
(1-574) Mariachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
(618) Just because your phone has a case on it doesn’t mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
(973) Did you see the video of me eating a marshmallow on fire?
(262) At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun.
(262) Like that actually happened I wasn’t hallucinating
(413) They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA.
(267) But theres a keg here and me gusta
(816) Where are you?
(1-816) Talk to you later, Gotta sled down these stairs real quick.
(321) Mom just told me I had to find a fake by next wednesday.
(250) I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30 a.m. Do you know what “UNS UNS UNS” sounds like at 8:30 a.m.? Murder. It sounds like murder.
(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.
(917) Idk but I can hear her singing “Call Me Maybe” really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now.
(402) I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground because one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don’t worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
(781) Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
(586) I’m drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
(217) I just don’t understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
(443) I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night.
(772) SHe came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying “maybe partying will help.” Showed up to class today and puked three times.
(617) I am puke
(610) I couldn’t wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night.
(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
(1-602) you mean pants?
(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
(734) If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me jimmy john’s
(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.
(651) You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
(480) In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered “America…”
(078) Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?
(252) I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds.
(573) Bitch, I been trine reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
(208) I robbed the continental breakfast that night.
(205) I am 100 percent planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is
America. Work or no work.
(705) I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
(812) I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
(401) No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was “i fell out.”
(304) You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
(312) You kept making up “snapple facts” eery time you opened a beer
(402) He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet, singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don’t know whether to laugh or help him.
(716) Just learned how to deliver a baby. the things I saw tonight can never be unseen.
(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.
(401) I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
(208) Please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.
(440)I’m at work. We just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. I don’t even know.
(704) Don’t underestimate her when she starts going by “the vodka queen”
(403) I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now.
(919) DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT?
(1-919) Oh God.
(662) So do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would equal s’mores?
(1-662) In some strange universe, yes.
(519) My neighbor is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now.
(250) How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
(724) I did nothing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke.
(903) I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, I woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
(908) and then you looked me right in the eyes and said “I just really wanna pet some horses right now”
(785) Dammit. Bohemian Rhapsody is gonna get stuck in my head again. Fuck you Olympics.
(+61) There was a photo of his face glued to a life-size Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye
(970) You will not judge me for my made up holiday of wine appreciation day
(780) Just to warn you I probably won’t be able to do anything that involves standing up.
(978) You need a Twittervention. You’re better than this.
(704) Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
(416) Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.
(434) I’ve decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth.
(904) After tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.
(320) I’ll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
(781) I just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
(703) I wouldn’t take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
(412) I cried singing “call me maybe” on the way home from the bar. what the fuck.
(913) I’m like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I’m three for three. I’m on a roll.
(260) Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because
absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
(218) At what point last night did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
(701) does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
(973) Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
(608) We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
(502) You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it’s about to happen.
(412) another day, another engagement, another cat.
(703) Ahh November 1st. National Untagging Day.
(804) He drunk texted me to give me his number with the message “I gotchu pretty eyes” I can’t tell if he’s complimenting me or himself.
(724) I’m drunk and confused, there might be a four-year-old here
(815) I’m watching he’s just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
(219) Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest ’cause he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.
(832) I got eye-fucked by an 80-year-old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
(954) My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted?
(706) oh my god I am going to vomit. And little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
(709) A cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor and then
gave me his number
(217) Wedding update: no alcohol, 75 percent of people have left, no
one is dancing, no single groomsmen and it’s 5:30. I’m going the fuck
home to drink by myself.
(713) I just got carded by a 10 year old.
(337) Will do. If it all falls through I’m just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run through it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th birthday.
(773) our cab driver is having phone sex
(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally, I made some new male friends.
(336) Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
(407) There’s a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
(719) The girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case.
(760) She went to pee and I could hear her singing “Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers” from Bambi through the door.
(758) He kept waking up periodically throughout the night to bite my ear and pass back out.
(613) You got in the cab and told the cab driver “We only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast.”
(319) i brought red and green boones farm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone
(765) I’m embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. I’m also embracing the high probability i will not remember this night.
(614) Woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
(831) I just heard a guy call his kid “Google” in a way that leads me to believe that’s his name. This day couldn’t get worse.
(520) He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie’s his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
(04) This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
(402) I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end?
(614) Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday.
(704) Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.
(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900-calorie PB&J. Fuck a serving size.
(812) IVs should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I’m dehydrated.
(630) Makers Mark. Chicken Nuggets in a blender. Smart.
(606) I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
(512) Just so you know, I’m standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
(972) I’m unshowered, and since I’ve seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I’ve decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 a.m. I’m crushing life.
(715) 1.Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
(313) we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
(306) No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
(310) Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
(925) anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption “mAh DreAM caR” is getting denied as my Facebook friend.
(901) Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
(224) Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
(701) Hey, I got 20 percent of the people home that I was responsible for. I can’t be expected to do much more.
(419) We can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.
(618) The cab driver said that we weren’t the worst shit show he’d ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
(920) sometimes when I’m drunk I choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
(480) Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
(310) I’m not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don’t know a better way to spend a hangover.
(616) I paid your cover too so you’re on the list as tits mcgee. You’re welcome.
(919) We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
(913) Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together. I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this.
(231) A guy wearing a shirt that says “eat shit and die motherfucker” just held open a door for me. He’s got manners
(708) For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night…
(304) Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
(443) My number one goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.
(775) Things I learned at work today: Do not put mayonnaise on a tattoo. It will get infected.
(201) They were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne
(469) I didn’t mean to leave you there I just didn’t know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
(216) Every Thursday I draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who I will drunkenly text all weekend.
(708) I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
(360) I think I accidentally made vodka pancakes.