Sounds familiar

This is the final entry in a long-running series – texts from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like they should/could be from my friends. We’ve had a good run, but I think it’s time I move on to other fun features for you guys.

So, please enjoy.

(609): I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.

(612): In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed

(703): Sexting is killing my work productivity but it’s okay because I’m self-employed

(650): Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

(+44): I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT

(408): Every person I’ve ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.

(774): Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum…. I’m LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.

(571): He’s nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you’re. I win.

(513): And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I’m supposed to be awake now.

(215): I convinced her that there were two p’s in Chipotle – the 2nd one was silent.

(773): Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago

(709): So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today….. at work.

(608): I’m still home, my life isn’t together. Currently drying my pants

(859): Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you

(708): THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS

(810): The power of my boobs compel you

(828): I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it

(321): A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever

(617): You just get me

(443): I’m the wind beneath your wings, bitch

(505): We’re too hungover to prance.

(305): I’m sad about how hungover I’m gonna feel tomorrow.

(403): Clearly you’ve confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.

(989): I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.

(508): I’m currently deliberating if I’m going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.

(734): Margaritas just taste better when they’re bigger than your head

(812): Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone

847): He’s interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us

(208): He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive 

(315): Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots

(612): A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.

(484): dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread

(847): I can’t open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchat filter

(256): Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I’m a fucking lady.

(720): I’m torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers

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Sounds familiar

It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these..

For those who might be new to the party… I am in about three different group texts that I communicate in regularly, with my very best friends.

These texts aren’t from them, they’re ones that got submitted to textsfromlastnight.com, but they very easily could be from one or more of my friends.

Enjoy.

(816): I just bought myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.

(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned “I know this gets you going.” What?

(516): He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.

(281): I’m slowly getting to where I don’t hate people anymore.  (281): Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.

(978): I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can’t win ’em all

(585): There’s just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on

(203): So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later

(508): I just said “I love my cat” as a hobby.

(307): All im saying is that my face might fall off.

(425): Please don’t throw the wedding bouquet at me

(815): All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.

(423): But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.

(720): This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.

(540): Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.

(319): Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

(303): I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.

(757): Why is “Oprah of drinks” written on my arms?  (540): You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, “You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink.”

(910): It’s sad that I’m more proud of my Twitter account then my resume

(219): are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?

(860): I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon

(240): Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90’s and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!

(813): Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.

(845): If a treadmill opens up I’ll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth

(387): It’s astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know

(215): Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat

(415): I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED

(502): I mean, it’s just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can’t live up to it.

603): omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you’re singing “where are you Pizza” to the tune of “where are you christmas” too loudly

(321) YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT. 

(847): You texted me the words “butt stuff” 53 times in a four hour period last night.

(608): I’m just gonna put on a documentary and throw up

(207): I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked….

(813): This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)  (863): New phone new life!

(603): Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.

(978): i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930’s would have died from

(248): Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.

(360): All I’ve had to eat today are potatoes…and by that I mean vodka and chips

(216): Those nachos came to me in a dream

(425): I feel sorry for the person who’s phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I’m giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day

(707): So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up

(707): I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me’s hero

(519): Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.

(225): You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting

(585): I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk

(716): So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder

(575): Apparently I was telling them, “I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON’T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR,” and I pulled my hair back and puked.

(516): People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

(814): The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

Sounds familiar

As I’ve said before – my Game Night Bitchezzz and I have a GroupMe thread that’s been going on basically forever and it’s the best thing to happen to all of us, ever.

The conversations that go on in there I couldn’t explain if I tried, and I love that. They range in topic by the text, just about, and I laugh out loud reading them constantly.

The texts below aren’t from the GroupMe because what happens in there stays there, but they’re close. Some of them a little TOO close. The texts below are the ones from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like my friends. I’ve shared those a few times with you at this point..

And here are the latest. Enjoy.

(+61): only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece.

(570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with “I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me”.

(515): Can’t a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?

(540): I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don’t have to leave my bed all day.

(773): please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

(403): Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally

(661): What a dumb baby whore.

(405): She’s like the pied piper of lesbians.

(717): Fuck that.  I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

(505): There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted “the pilgrims are here!” And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

(604): every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

(410): I’ve been drunk in my life. But I’ve never been “crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon” drunk

(202): there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

(920) This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won’t throw up but I might cry.

(563) I don’t want to jinx anything but I may have found the one
(262) Cat or human?
(563) Human

(813): He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

(303): My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because “I looked like I needed them.”

(267): Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?

(816): You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption “best friend”

(919): every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like “thanks happy birthday to you too”

(941): Thanks for coming over. I’m sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
(618):There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I’m at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
(972): If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

(585): PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME

(+44): This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he’s licking his headphone cords.
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(407): The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(248): After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
(305):And then my night got REAL pukey

(913):Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no

(919):I’m so hungover I can’t taste anything

(217):I get a little bitchy. We all know that
(920): Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.

(864): I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.

(201): Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?

(617): you wouldn’t let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled “BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT” and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
(508): it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10

(636): I’m the Oprah of jello shots

(972): I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.

(301): You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

(954): Cause I’ll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell “Cobra attack” and walk away

(989): I don’t want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.

Sounds familiar, special edition

A few months ago, my life was changed by an iPhone app. Not Candy Crush. GroupMe.

You used it? It was introduced to me by one of my best friends in an attempt to get us all into a group message outside the regular texts. It’s genius, really, because seriously who hasn’t wished for an opportunity to opt out or at the very least take a break from constant notifications in group texts? GroupMe lets you do that, plus you can like comments, post pics and video, have a big group in there, so naturally I pitched it to the Game Night Bitchezzz. They were apprehensive at first, but now I think we pretty much all are in agreement it’s the best thing that’s happened to our group.

The conversations in that group – I couldn’t recreate them if I tried. But they generally run the gamut from almost normal to who the hell talks about this and how did we get here.

That said, this edition of “Sounds Familiar” won’t be like the others. This special edition is basically what you’d see if you got involved in our GroupMe conversations. Any one of these could have been said in there – and may have, sometimes in the same conversation.

Love those kids.

Sounds like…the GNB GroupMe

(407) Halfway through the lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

(314) Going to be a long day. Text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.

(606) Does the room smell any better?
(859) Yeah, I sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria’s Secret, if Victoria’s Secret was that she was homeless.

(616) Took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. I’m gonna puke at this wedding.

(203) Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can’t make that judgment right now.

(630) What eyeshadow color says “Yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don’t judge my life choices.”

(406) I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.

(425) I am thankful for thumbs.
(425) Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
(425) Land dolphins.

(314) i just tried to text you by typing “whoa” into my contacts.

(832) Get you some cowboy.
(832) In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.

(612) I got “plug” during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it.

(919) All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.

(312) His constant posting of “inspirational” Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It’s like holy shit dude, you’re almost 30.

(719) Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman i met on the bus. What are you doing?

(847) I was like kind of drunk but mostly just enthusiastic about Beyonce.

(541) Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy.

(302) I’m training the dog to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I’m going to be the coolest parent ever.

(805) Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313) Everything hurts.

(856) She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.

(513) She’s dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a “campfire taste”

(610) Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night

(318) There is a glee singalong. It’s on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape.

(586) If I ever have a kid with an outie I’m giving it up for adoption.

(518) So I’m going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way too many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me.

(330) WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING & FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND “hot shot 6th grader”

(585) seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs.

(734) The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!

(647) I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I’m just not a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus.

(816) I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when I deal with people. For example, right now, I’m grading, and I just don’t fucking care anymore. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.

(816) So apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. Am I winning college yet?

(518) I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are

(919) There is an alarming amount of food in my bra

(910) Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up you guys last night.

(647) Btw…I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don’t let me do tequila ever again.

(703) I think my cats understand what porn is. And it’s all my fault.

(815) You said you bright chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes

(559) They were arguing about who would hit the pinnate first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the pinnate and their hearts.

(317) SORRY BITCH CAN’T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.

(847) My day in three words: secret purse cake.

(269) “I wasn’t planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway.” — some guy on the bus with a chicken
(269) “Yeah, I only have nine toes.” – that same guy

(512) It’s just weird to think of you as a teacher since i’ve seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house

(425) So what are you going to be for halloween?
(503) A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus

(908) In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.

(815) I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
(317) Is it necessary to steal the whole car?

(313) I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my grandma. My dad was like, grandma says you’re all over fb but she doesn’t know how to use it. Of course I’m all over her fb. She’s got 6 friends I am her newsfeed.

(805) I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
(714) I could

(610) Moment of the night: You were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt my hand for me. This is why we’re roommates.

(512) You were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the “big chips” because it was your 21st birthday

(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.

(202) Vodka and jameson is not a mixed drink

(678) Actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.

(902) He managed to find a wheelchair and a super mario hat, now he’s rolling around screaming “real life mario kart!”

(334) We don’t have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. So that’s how my day started.

(219) I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!

(719) The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets
(719) This has been a party success story.

(812) I would take a bullet for Beyonce’s baby

(785) They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

(785) SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE “METHLAB” FAVORITED THAT PICTURE

(806) Also I’m proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.

(631) Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
(508) I believe they call that patchouli.

(561) am i new drunk or am i still drunk

(219) Realized we were outta OJ, used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here.

(734) I think the only context in which I’d be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths

(407) I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank God we didn’t work out because I can’t be with someone that incompetent.

(870) Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
(1-870) I’m going to have to start taking your phone after 10. that’s when all the cat pictures come.

(714) GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST WOOOOOO

(613) We are 100 percent horrible people, and I’m extremely happy we are friends

(615) It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes

(+61) I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I’d change species

(318) Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It’s titled “Tequila: Still A Bad Idea.”

(201) There is soup leaking out of my nose. Nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

(610) I have vodka and a slip n slide so if you could come over that would be great

(516) She’s been with the dude for a week saying she’s in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY

(541) Aaaand my mom is wearing jeggings.

(480) Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

(330) Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this Xmas?

(253) I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.

(+49) I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with “keep babushka safe” written on it. Fuck vodka.

(512) You kept running up to random groups of people and saying “I’m a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!” and they all listened to you.

(973) Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet. 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius.

(586) It’s a good night to get drunk in my ones.

(908) HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY HEART

(352) I’m walking home wearing Kermit the frog foot pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It’s fucking christmas!

(301) She texted me “with freud,” which I thought was drunk for “I’m with my friend.” But nope. She was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.

(310) Quick question, when did I develop feelings and how can I make them go away?
(626) That’s two questions.

(415) Feeling better?
(720) I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.

(832) I mean I’m not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle.

(702) God it’s like my stomach is full of drunk bees.

Sounds familiar

I couldn’t stage a comeback without including an old favorite for y’all.

You know the drill. Texts From Last Night publishes texts that could very well be from my friends, even though the area codes are different…

Sounds like…me
(865) I’m so drunk. Liken realign drink
(615) Like really drunk?
(615) Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

(304) I’m cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that’s not why they want to live on their own is lying.

(412) I think I’m crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me

(570) Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

(204) We need to invent and abuse teleportation

(770) He sent me a text from across the party that said “your sexy.” I just couldn’t.

(705) I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they all came out and I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that’s so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests’ twitter, damn.

(330) when in doubt, it’s too much cheese

(360) So much rum. So many feels.

(563) He saw one of my bras on the floor and said “damn you could eat soup out of this.”

(251) Apparently I yelled “Spring Break 1984” at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.

(336) Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

(609) I began mixing Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels and called it Captain Jack Sparrow. I puked. A lot.

(717) Somehow I got food poisoning and alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I’m waiting for my tv to make its move.

Sounds like…Rachel
(615) If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. not only monetarily, but spiritually as well.

(301) I will be there. Invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

(517) I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
(517) I will probably dream about it.

(+27) This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.

(301) OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I’m pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.

(985) How is there no taco emoji?! That’s some bullshit.

(954) In the second smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme

(617) just gave a Yankees fan wrong directions to Fenway…welcome to boston asshole

Sounds like…Sami
(506) That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room.

(949) I’m not even pretending to study anymore. I’m straight up sleeping in the library.

(602) Remind me to tell you how I’ve been deaf since Sunday at 1245.

(805) My mom asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday

(575) We are taking shots off spoons and listening to Mary Poppins

(905) You called me and said “Aidan’s unconscious” to which he said “I’m conscious. I’m conscious pilot.”
(1-905) He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(207) Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.

(843) Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cause I think that’s what it feels like.

(717) I just instagrammed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night.

(513) I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I’m a gem.

(678) You is good. You is important. You is a slut

(931) On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experience

(330) She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

(413) I think the name vodka for girl is amazing

Sounds like…Anna
(508) Eredayimstrugglin… Can we talk about the fact that I just typed “er” and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.

(503) I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I’d probably marry him.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(608) I’m trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover

(586) If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style

(918) I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend’s bathroom floor from time to time

(925) Where did you go?
(1-925) I’m not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I’m never leaving. Ever.

(330) i need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.

(239) We call her skankles because she’s a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious.

(860) You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face.

(918) It sounds miserable… I have to wear a dress AND it’s a cash bar?

(609) And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions I’ll kill you

(202) I’m drunk with people I love less than you. Fix it.

(646) Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
(718) Do you want my opinion or society’s?
(646) I want your company.

Sounds like…Liz
(765) My mom just added me on Facebook. She has one like and it’s Will Smith.

(706) The worst part about being a grammar nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled.

(512) How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to God, I get the lamest drunk injuries.

(386) In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

(757) I’m not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet

(847) So many Oreos I’m regretting this decision already but I’m happy at the same time… The straddle is real.
(847) Struggle. Not straddle. I’m not straddling anyone

(815) Also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up

(530) I’m sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How’s your Monday?

(618) ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL

(231) You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.

(740) No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I’ll ever be I love you

Sounds familiar NINETEEN

Nineteen of these suckers? Whoa. Maybe at some point I’ll stop putting the numbers after. OR, I will keep going, until there’s like 103,290 of them. I haven’t decided yet.

In the meantimes, please enjoy these hand-selected texts that probably sound like you!

Sounds like…Me
(361) Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 a.m. What the fuck?

(305) Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at Target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.

(217) Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: If we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.

(765) I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

(678) Well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list

(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime…its that time.

(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.

(319) nothing says happy birthday Jesus like a shot with your loved ones.

(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.

(310) I do. There’s a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had two beers.

(631) I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone.”

(413) Today I’m judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It’s not looking good for me.

(502) You don’t lie about slip n slides.

(212) He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d’oeuvres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket.
(617) I will never doubt you again…he IS perfect for you.

(601) I just realized I use Twitter to keep track of when I get drunk.

(406) So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn’t actually happen. When did vodka become a hallucinogen

(954) You pretty much isn’t said it
(404) Those words don’t go together

(775) May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony’s sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.

(319) You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.

(905) Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said
“Good job you found me.” Drunk me is an ass.

(602) I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.

(802) Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
(401) Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

(310) Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?

(319) I have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying “pocket of champions” or something along those lines.

(815) Drink for every country you’ve never heard of.
(630) Fuuuuuuck.

(903) I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

(254) Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn’t what I thought it was gonna be.
(254) It’s TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54.

(603) The only people who have said happy valentines to me today have been 2 homeless people.

(607) Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has “Momma’s Boy” tattooed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

(419) Apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. Told him about 15 times that he was “really pretty”

(970) That’s cool. At least the punch line of my story isn’t I shit in a booth at denny’s.

(904) I need to stop drinking. Side note: We have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that.

(+44) I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of “trapped in the closet” complete with interpretive dance at my funeral.

(910) I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy

(717) Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. YOu have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717) Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the sock is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

(207) Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers. Miss you…

Sounds like…Rachel
(601) He was doing push-ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I’m not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.

(336) That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on.

(405) I wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

(267) Your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

(773) Why didn’t you say something constructive like “Stop chugging that vodka”

(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear”

(260) apparently I saved myself a memo last night titled “cake” and all it says is “I love it so much.”

(619) You assured me you’d make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

(858) The only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that
in 2 hours I’ll be drunk at the circus.

(850) It’s okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical
explanation: 5 martinis.

(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he
came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let
me be a lady.

(902) He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying “FREE
VODKA SHOTS.” He is to blame

(919) Coming to you live from the floor of my office…

(+61) I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was “The whole clam.” I hope that means something to you.

(303) Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into. Who says chivalry is dead?

(810) Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of July?

(773) You said you’d make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I’ll be expecting that Monday.

(209) Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas.

(506) I feel like everything in this room is sweating.

(412) Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 a.m.

(570) Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.

(513) I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m OK and back I love you goodnight.
(413) I stole a bike. Here’s a pic

(336) He obviously didn’t care that I was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater

Sounds like…Sami
(645) Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

(630) my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win.

(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast…oh to be a poor college student…everyday is like a carnival.

(706) I’m on page 4
(1-706) I’m on beer infinity

(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

(610) we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk

(303) It tasted disgusting. but I pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol.

(574) Should I go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
(1-574) Mariachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

(618) Just because your phone has a case on it doesn’t mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

(973) Did you see the video of me eating a marshmallow on fire?

(262) At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun.
(262) Like that actually happened I wasn’t hallucinating

(413) They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA.

(267) But theres a keg here and me gusta

(816) Where are you?
(1-816) Talk to you later, Gotta sled down these stairs real quick.

(321) Mom just told me I had to find a fake by next wednesday.

(250) I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30 a.m. Do you know what “UNS UNS UNS” sounds like at 8:30 a.m.? Murder. It sounds like murder.

(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.

(917) Idk but I can hear her singing “Call Me Maybe” really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now.

(402) I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground because one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don’t worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

(781) Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

(586) I’m drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.

(217) I just don’t understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

(443) I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night.

(772) SHe came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying “maybe partying will help.” Showed up to class today and puked three times.

Sounds like…Anthony
(617) I am puke

(610) I couldn’t wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night.

(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
(1-602) you mean pants?

(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

(734) If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me jimmy john’s

(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.

(651) You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

(480) In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered “America…”

(078) Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

(252) I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds.

(573) Bitch, I been trine reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

(208) I robbed the continental breakfast that night.

(205) I am 100 percent planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is
America. Work or no work.

(705) I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

(812) I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

(401) No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was “i fell out.”

(304) You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

(312) You kept making up “snapple facts” eery time you opened a beer

Sounds like…Jennifer
(402) He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet, singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don’t know whether to laugh or help him.

(716) Just learned how to deliver a baby. the things I saw tonight can never be unseen.

(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.

(401) I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.

(208) Please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.

(440)I’m at work. We just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. I don’t even know.

(704) Don’t underestimate her when she starts going by “the vodka queen”

(403) I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now.

(919) DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT?
(1-919) Oh God.

(662) So do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would equal s’mores?
(1-662) In some strange universe, yes.

(519) My neighbor is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now.

(250) How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??

(724) I did nothing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke.

(903) I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, I woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

(908) and then you looked me right in the eyes and said “I just really wanna pet some horses right now”

(785) Dammit. Bohemian Rhapsody is gonna get stuck in my head again. Fuck you Olympics.

(+61) There was a photo of his face glued to a life-size Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye

(970) You will not judge me for my made up holiday of wine appreciation day

(780) Just to warn you I probably won’t be able to do anything that involves standing up.

(978) You need a Twittervention. You’re better than this.

Sounds like…Liz
(704) Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

(416) Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.

(434) I’ve decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth.

(904) After tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.

(320) I’ll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

(781) I just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

(703) I wouldn’t take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

(412) I cried singing “call me maybe” on the way home from the bar. what the fuck.

(913) I’m like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I’m three for three. I’m on a roll.

(260) Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because
absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

(218) At what point last night did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

(701) does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

(973) Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

(608) We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.

(502) You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it’s about to happen.

(412) another day, another engagement, another cat.

(703) Ahh November 1st. National Untagging Day.

Sounds like…Sammi
(804) He drunk texted me to give me his number with the message “I gotchu pretty eyes” I can’t tell if he’s complimenting me or himself.

(724) I’m drunk and confused, there might be a four-year-old here

(815) I’m watching he’s just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.

(219) Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest ’cause he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.

(832) I got eye-fucked by an 80-year-old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

(954) My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted?

(706) oh my god I am going to vomit. And little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.

(709) A cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor and then
gave me his number

(217) Wedding update: no alcohol, 75 percent of people have left, no
one is dancing, no single groomsmen and it’s 5:30. I’m going the fuck
home to drink by myself.

(713) I just got carded by a 10 year old.

(337) Will do. If it all falls through I’m just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run through it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th birthday.

Sounds like…Ashley
(773) our cab driver is having phone sex

(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally, I made some new male friends.

(336) Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

(407) There’s a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.

(719) The girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case.
(573) WTF.

(760) She went to pee and I could hear her singing “Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers” from Bambi through the door.

(758) He kept waking up periodically throughout the night to bite my ear and pass back out.

(613) You got in the cab and told the cab driver “We only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast.”

Sounds like…Rebeck
(319) i brought red and green boones farm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone

(765) I’m embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. I’m also embracing the high probability i will not remember this night.

(614) Woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.

(831) I just heard a guy call his kid “Google” in a way that leads me to believe that’s his name. This day couldn’t get worse.

(520) He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie’s his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

(04) This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

(402) I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end?

Sounds like…Niki
(614) Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday.

(704) Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.

(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900-calorie PB&J. Fuck a serving size.

(812) IVs should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I’m dehydrated.

(630) Makers Mark. Chicken Nuggets in a blender. Smart.

(606) I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

(512) Just so you know, I’m standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

(972) I’m unshowered, and since I’ve seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I’ve decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 a.m. I’m crushing life.

(715) 1.Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

(313) we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles

(306) No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

(310) Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide

Sounds like…Sarah
(925) anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption “mAh DreAM caR” is getting denied as my Facebook friend.

(901) Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

(224) Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.

(701) Hey, I got 20 percent of the people home that I was responsible for. I can’t be expected to do much more.

(419) We can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.

(618) The cab driver said that we weren’t the worst shit show he’d ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

(920) sometimes when I’m drunk I choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

(480) Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

(310) I’m not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don’t know a better way to spend a hangover.

(616) I paid your cover too so you’re on the list as tits mcgee. You’re welcome.

(919) We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

(913) Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together. I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this.

(231) A guy wearing a shirt that says “eat shit and die motherfucker” just held open a door for me. He’s got manners

Sounds like..Stephanie
(708) For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night…

(304) Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

(443) My number one goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.

(775) Things I learned at work today: Do not put mayonnaise on a tattoo. It will get infected.

(201) They were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne

(469) I didn’t mean to leave you there I just didn’t know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.

(216) Every Thursday I draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who I will drunkenly text all weekend.

(708) I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.

(360) I think I accidentally made vodka pancakes.

Sounds familiar XVIII

Really, these are self-explanatory at this point. And look, Steph, you’re included this time!

Sounds like… me
(352): You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.

(606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

(514): Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

(303): Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds

(502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

(303): im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival

(612): Do you know how to give stiches?
(1-612): I do not…this text concerns me

(630): There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

(443): He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said “it was just a burp”.

(719): And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
(607): I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero

(616): took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding…

(304): Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

(412): It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, “you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion”

(479): Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year.  Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

(336): Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

Sounds like… Rachel
(772): The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001…..i will never question my eye problems again.

(970): i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houston’s “i wanna dance with somebody” you left on my voicemail.

(469): Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

(407): I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

(817): You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?

(517): Here’s my first problem: I’m drunk

(303): why does he always try to puke into shot glasses

(478): I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.

(610): So I realized I’m not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

Sounds like…. Sami
(541):  Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy

(970): We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am

(651): I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.

(651): I also found a beer label in my bra and I’m pretty sure you put it there and said “this means I trust you”

(216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing “ill make a man out of you” from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i’d ever seen.

(+44): I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn’t get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said “oh dear” really calmly.

(714): Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

(814): Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?

(217): I’ve started making all these amazing things…like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

Sounds like… Anthony
(604): I’d steal beers with my tail.  If I were a monkey.

(231): You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.

(262): Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?

(505): I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

(402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

(320): Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

(812): I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

Sounds like… Jennifer
(585): eggs and jello shots do not qualify as ‘brunch’

(978): And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

(508): I don’t think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you’ve ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
(512): That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.

(612): Also I’d like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

(253): Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we’re getting a baby.

(608): I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.

(506): I feel like everything in this room is sweating

(330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock.  living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

(407): Don’t lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.

(408): I’m a little nervous about this St. Patty’s Day party. Seriously, we’re still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

(315): i’ll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
(802): you’re the only one i would trust to do that

(250): Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo

Sounds like… Liz
(316): its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

(317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

(502): I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic

(412): I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER

(940): Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?

(267): yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.

(512): In all seriousness…vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.

(519): He’s hungover and at the neighbour’s garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

(215): the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

(530): Maybe I’m a robot.
(831): You can’t be that drunk already

(484): we found you under the sink… we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

(915): Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.

(919): I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

Sounds like…Stephanie
(812): Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i’ve ever made in my life.

(843): The nurse told me they’re using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.

(480): Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.

(402): I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.

(208): Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up… not awkward at all.

(850): Male strippers are involved. You are coming

(513): Ok just don’t go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can’t take that.

Sounds like… Caitlin
(198): im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now

(913): You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

(802): I’ve got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it

(913): I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

(443): Don’t try to dry clothes in the microwave. They’ll catch on fire.

(732): we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

(304): I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

(613): Sorry my hands just texted you

Sounds like… Sammi
(307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

(870): He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number

(765): I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.

(907): his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

(760): I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?

(970): This stranger told me I should “start playing for the other team” and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian

(562): I don’t care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff

(865): Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them “daiquiris”

(832): I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and “space consultant.”

(425): Is it a good time to tell him he’s getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?

(209): Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I’m famous in the country!

(907): This vodka tastes like I’m not going to class tomorrow.

(415): just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

(907): Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame.  She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.

Sounds like… Ashley
(559): Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston

(366): just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.

(614): Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist

(682): Well we’re gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong

(562): Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

(860): My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

(203): you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack

(336): The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers.  A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I ‘have his back’ in a fist fight with a stranger texan.  And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif’s badge

Sounds like… Rebeck
(202): Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?

(704): She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn’t move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant’s face and said “I have a bag of sickness!”  I’ve never seen a cart move that fast.

(317): No night ever ends well that starts with “you know what this needs? More tequila”.

(760): No. I heard a cover of “my heart will go on”. This is not sanity.

(814): I can’t wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.

(978):  The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

(540): She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

(502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It’s not looking good for milk in my life anymore

(304): “So you think you can dance” turned into “so you think you can run and slide across the bar”…Jack Daniels wins

(978): Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar

Sounds familiar, vol. XVII

I’m digging out from vacation/wedding number 1/catching up everywhere else and in the midst of working on a slew of things to post for you in the next couple of weeks. So for now, you’ll have to make do with this.

I’m sure you’re upset. So I made it a little longer than usual to make up for my absence.

Sounds like…me
(805) the only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.

(850) If you wondered to yourself today “Did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children,” the answer is yes.

(906) I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can I call you?

(570) You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.

(573) Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

(810) He’s flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell…I have no words.

(506) I am a mess. Weirdest thing. I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

(605) Maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counteracts a hangover.

(309) I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

(+44) I’m sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn’t my fault. No one was enforcing discipline so not really my fault for not behaving.

(+44) If I had to summarize my weekend I would do so using the words “Horrifying romanian moonshine.”

(609) The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes.

(610) Hahaha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am

(641) TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

(217) Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you.

(240) This kid is drunk.
(410) I hope by “this kid” you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

(607) I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength

(360) DIN’T JUSGE NE

(862) He put a lighter in my cleavage and said “You’re like another pocket!”

(215) I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory…
(1-215) Just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream “IT’S IN THE CHEESECAKE!!”

(503) Did I change midway through last night?
(206) Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

(407) And if I hated you I’d probably say things like, “I never want to speak to you again” or “Eat a bag of dicks.” That’s how you’d know.

(925) It’s that thing where you don’t have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.

(415) I am broke enough to accept it. If i get poisoned, you can have my shoes.

(404) Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka.

(770) I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on Facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

(631) Speaking of creep.. love how i kept touching strangers faces at the bar… and saying “Don’t worry I’m a dermatologist”

(610) I have been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
(908) Somehow you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

(814) I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St. Pattys Day.

(613) I woke up on your bathroom floor, I used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero.

(608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen.  Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left.  You deserve a medal.

(207): I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does

(214): Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

(207): Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.

(814): I really wasn’t that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
(724): When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

Sounds like…Rachel
(+44) At one point we asked the guy to play “the lion sleeps tonight” with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

(905) It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner.

(954) Vodka and eggs at 9:30 a.m. = thank you, america.

(727) I automatically know you’re drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish.

(909) Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They’re perfect flipping cups…

(605) Tonight’s drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.

(440) Maybe if I keep dancing I won’t throw up.

(907) started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

(404) Did you see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?

(360) It looks like I sent you four failed attempts at the word “hey.” Sorry about that.

(973) They’re showing aladdin at the bar, my birthday is complete.

(610) This speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.

(443) I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.

(805) Someone threw a dead crab at me.

(847) Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?

(978) I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore… or now would be good.

(248) My eyes feel like they’re throwing up and I’m the only human on campus.

(787) I’ve been trying to brush my teeth for 20 minutes now…mother of hangovers.

(610) I just made a 90s Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix…I don’t want to build it up but your head might explode.

(519): We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs…… I won by the way.

(714): i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero…its cinco de mayo

(314): i wish starbucks made bloody marys

(516): remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.

(781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
(781): I love boston

Sounds like…Sami
(206) I feel like I’m in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death.

(314) I think mom knows I’m drunk. I pul a full blown balloon in the fridge.

(409) You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your “ship” because you were the captain. It was cool though. You let me be your first mate.

(401) She threw up a whole curly fry. A WHOLE CURLY FRY.

(+44) Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Don’t know if anyone actually attempted it though.

(603) Yeah I’m about to go down a water slide that comes out of a second story window. I love college.

(305) I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.

(719) Singing High School Musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

(269) “I wasn’t planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway.” – Some guy on the bus with a chicken.
(269) “Yeah, I only have nine toes.” – that same guy.

(567) for future reference, twizzlers can leave welts

(617) college: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking

(920) Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

(706) We were walking and you spelled the word “oats” to prove you weren’t drunk.

(412) Annnnd this chick is using a hand puppet made out of a sock to give her research presentation…

(203): these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,

(603): Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing…

Sounds like…Anthony
(608) Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.

(215) I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning.
(215) My face left an imprint on the loaf.

(757) You were buying shots for everyone, saying “I got a tax refund. I’m a MILLIONAIRE.”

(717) If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm regards, your roommate

(814) just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.

(304) You spilled spaghetti on the floor and kept telling the noodles to “settle down” as you tried to clean it up.

(703) You didn’t act like you were blacked out yesterday…
(410) I didn’t know

(228) He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room.

(407) Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transferring money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, I knew what I was doing.

(845) Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.

(407) She looked like Meryl Streep on Quaaludes at a wine tasting during the Great Depression.

(506) At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which “six flags” we were at.

(407) If I theoretically had to put an IV back in what do I need to do?

(580) He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.

(306) You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald’s for a double quarter pounder. I’d say you’ve more than filled your drunken meat quota.

(507) YOu insisted on going outside so you could “breathe real air.”

(607) I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with a chipped tooth.

(780) We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling “WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!”

(248) I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars I went to last night

(540) I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.

(817) You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target

(330) He drank a monster margarita at dinner. Had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

(918) Kanye’s agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.

(704) There’s a 35 percent chance I’m still residually drunk from last night.
(904) And you say you’re not good with numbers….

(907): How are you feeling today?
(330): i could’ve thrown up on command at any point today…

(952): True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.

(270): I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

(765): Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
(1-765): The power was out.

(917): He kept yelling “osteoporosis” and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

Sounds like… Sammi
(774) I have whisky and jager. There’s no telling what kind of monster will emerge.

(307) they wouldn’t let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel.

(404) What’s the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?

(763) He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

(870) He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number.

(601) K. On the way. I need a drink.
(904) Like a drink drink or like water?
(601) Have we met?

(573) Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you.

(224) I won’t be hard to find. I’m wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

(973) He gave me a love letter in polish. He thinks I speak polish. I DON’T SPEAK POLISH.

(630) I’m never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.

(831) he brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date…I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place… A toothbrush??!!

(330) Just found my diary from when I was 14. I demand a drinking game out of this.

(305) One day. I will touch his hair. I’m curious if it’ll be like a soft cloud.

(859) he tired to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club

(215) Judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter there will be 8.5 galloons of tequila drunk this weekend.
(609) sounds about right

(484) In a weird way, I don’t want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what’s wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

(847) As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for Captain Morgan, I thought it’d be best to leave.

(917) I don’t think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins.

(561) I’m sorry, when did “I like your shit” become an acceptable pickup line?

(773) Before I die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. And they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentery, or hunting accident

(631) Everytime she opens her mouth it’s like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

(484) You shouted “FUCK SHANIA TWAIN” and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine. None of us knew how to react.

(201): A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he’s a pilot, so he’ll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.

(781): Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.

(219): I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

(957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said “drink up, bitches” …please tell me that can be us some day.

(623): Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.

(917): its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.

(317): Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

Sounds like…Rebeck
(315) Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. It’s like the great depression over here.

(618) Just bartered a McD’s cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain’t got shit on me.

(765) Well, between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, I lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

(918) What’d you guys eat?
(1-918) Literally everything that was frozen.

(573) We played shuffleboard at the bar last night…another sign we are getting too old.

(315) Careful of the bathroom. There’s some drunken ninja turtles in there…

(212) Katie told the cabby “When the boat docks I’m getting off with you.”

(760) Houston, we have a blender.

(204) I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours so no judgment here.

(423) There’s Jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.

(301) I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand.

(818) Now I’ll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.

(304) I’m more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats

(661) I’ve cried into many a lonely burrito

(919): It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.

(732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

(917): I think I just saw someone hide a body.

(425): I just got a facebook invite to join a group called “bring back the old franzia spout.” i never want our generation to grow up.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(626) Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
(1-626) This is why you don’t have nice things.

(630) The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

(206) I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to God it smelled like franzia.

(719) Just had a 40 minute argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

(781) You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar.

(404) I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day.

(707) I just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone else’s.

(813) she loves me even though she knows all I’ve done. She’s kind of like jesus.

(713) Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

(928) You know its bad when I can already feel tomorrow’s hangover before drinking today.

(337) By the way, I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.

(204) I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more than we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink…a lot.
(1-204) I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship.

(360) Someone got day drunk, but I’m not saying who.
(360) It was me.

(914) He threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. I’m not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.

(217) I’m pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.

(945) Don’t ever try to run hungover. Just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. They were horrified.

(519) There are very few times I will succumb to lying naked on my bathroom floor. But last night is a reasonable enough cause.

(503) You laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub.

(208): Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn’t a risk I’m willing to take

(619): there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly

(507): Okay I’m all about any plan that ends with “We’re gonna get you drunk.”

(330): I’m going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.

Sounds like…Liz
(717) Every grown woman needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character

(847) Bath mats should not be used as mops. They don’t work. Consider this a drunk PSA.

(410) Well you decided to make everyone “drinks” which was sprite and beer mixed.

(717) You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams.

(619) My grandma made me promise not to drink more beer so I’m chugging wine.

(248) THIS ISN’T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

(248) He started to lose his balance halfway through his “commencement speech” at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

(916) WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING “TOOT IT AND BOOT IT” AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

(206) My last google search last night was “vodka swimming pool.”

(630) He’s sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

(+61) The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger.

(909) this is the most sickening thing I’ve ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.

(256) there was a guy running for some position in our government named “young boozer” hell yes I voted for him

(951) omg just made cake vodka jello shots, so excited
(951) dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles.

(706) I totally accidentally said “we don’t go around hammering girls in the rear” in front of 132 fifth graders today.

(914) I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

(307) All my mom knows is what I put on Facebook. So… I mean… She knows we drink a lot.

(775) The only responsible thing I’ve done in vegas is shower and that was only to clean vomit off me.

(307) We invited our waitress tonight to come too…we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.

(858) I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult-sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume

(209) I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.

(248) Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
(1-248) Yup. It’s just me crying in a closet eating soup.

(425) UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

(714) The back of my hand read, “Say no to drugs.” My palm read “Say yes to shots.” When the fuck did I write that?

(732) I find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right.

(843) Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot though.

(707) I’m never drinking mad dog again and I have your belt.

(716) Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week.

(416) Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear.

(561): The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.

(512): I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.

(310): that’s the second time you’ve been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
(818): its my fault though, i’m wearing tights
(310): you’re hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid’s fiance in the parent trap

(845): Just know I’m having fun but I still have my motor functions.

Sounds familiar XVI

Things are a little behind over here, if you haven’t noticed. But not for much longer. See, I put this together for you!

Stay tuned for your regularly scheduled programming….but first..

Sounds like…Me
(780): Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP.

(281): Too tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don’t want to know what that says about my life.

(404): Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka.

(310): Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.

(910): I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I’m texting with.

(816): It’s just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.

(860): New carpet is nice. I’m making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

(978): we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost ‘badass’ and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we’re not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we’re not allowed to throw them.

(631): I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone”.

(910): Found the puke drawer.

(859): and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.

(734): we got kicked out of McDonald’s because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
(248): …that shit cray.

(607): just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out.

(612): So I did end up texting him last night… I asked him how he felt about haircuts… not sure where I was going with that one?

(206): Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.

Sounds like…Rachel
(630): How much did you drink?
(708): Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea.

(563): This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA.

(519): We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs…… I won by the way.

(978): No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again.

(914): So somebody asked her is she’s okay.She turned around,started running and screamed “Ballet is running through my veins” before doing a small pirouette.It’s amazing how she managed not to fall.

(303): doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult.

(302): I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment.

(508): 81 degrees in april…. Thinking margaritacicles, you in?

(208): You had me at “mimosas” several texts ago.

(956): Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

Sounds like…Sami
(662): What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(231): My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

(270): My last google search of the night was “Things that cost $102.50”.

(508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said “I hope you are not on fire” and hung up.

(078): Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

Sounds like…Jennifer
(760): You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.

(478): Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!

(616): Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I’m obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

(541): You would be my first round pick for a drinking team.

(916): the gays at disneyland are vicious.

(307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

(301): I’m about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
(301): Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

(781): i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

Sounds like…Sammi
(517): This baby is an asshole.

(603): Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing…

(518): Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge.

(608): I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

(949): Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

(+44): The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can’t respond positively to that he can fuck off…

(315): Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men.

(908): You couldn’t find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
(732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

(716): We should install the ‘help i’ve fallen and can’t get up’ buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.

(505): I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
(703): OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(317): The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

(626): obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that.

(973): Hahahaaa There’s this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex’s leg. He’s trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

Sounds like…Liz
(719): I need to stop going to bars and yelling “I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!”

(832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem.

(616): EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER.

(44): You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to ‘Jesus and all the other guys’ for drinking on a Sunday.

(330): I can’t tell if I’m hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face.

(817): I’ll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children’s children.

(724): Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

(904): after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.

(419): we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.

(954): My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted??

(734): WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES.

Sounds like…Anthony
(870): Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious.

(770): You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying “it’s fine, they melt.”

(805): So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
(1-805): Sweet. Did I win?
(805): Youre hungover arent you?

(215): can’t blv i tried using a “backpack” as a unit of measurement…i drank a lot of beer last night.

(208): You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

(812): I tell myself every day I shouldn’t be friends with you.

(323): I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can’t choke on an apple btw.

(310): She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf…and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
(310): so no, not her best night.

(701): Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab…

Sounds familiar XV

As if I would kick this important week off with anything else…

Sounds like…Me
(850): Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.

(610): I think she’s perpetually drunk
(484): It’s all she knows.

(484): Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
(732): No, I did. It’s a long story.

(484): they paper machayed me.
(215): i told you … never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

(520): Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don’t remember this.

(803): happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing.

(571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

(832): He’s just giving off this “someone be a bitch to me” vibe.

(610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and “I don’t give a shit”
(1-610): Aren’t they always?

(817): I should know better than to trust a man I’ve seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.

(712): We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me.

(310) I do. There’s a bald-headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had 2 beers.

(336) why am i a bad person? you were the one trying to get epode to eat tape.

(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.

(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.

(401) I just puked in a plastic bag at a red light, go me.

(705) I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projectile vomit. make it happen.

Sounds like…Rachel
(512): I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
(1-512): I don’t know if I should be concerned or impressed.

(215): It’s like the bermuda triangle of cat puke.

(304): you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras.

(850): I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

(760): I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.

(785): Um…any recollection of peeing in the pantry.

(541): I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue.

(801): Ya he’s alive. Apparently he’s been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.

(585): Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.

(314): I’m in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.

(309): Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.

(925): Ahahhahaha I’m not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday.

(401): remind to leave next time the words “tequila” and “challenge” are shouted.

(316): I just threw up over a bridge. I didn’t even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.

(219) just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest because he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.

(614) woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 a.m. on a tuesday morning = best commute ever

(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.

Sounds like…Sami
(573): Mcdonalds hasn’t even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

(574): It’s 10AM, she’s drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you’ve got to be effing kidding me.

(306): We’re bowling with a frozen turkey in the hallway…ur missing out.

(919): I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

(949): ‘Well you know, stuff happens’ isn’t really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear.

(517) wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets

(405) grape juice and vodka is not wine

(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally I made some new male friends.

(505) The last thing I remember was convincing you to hide in the fridge and then taking everything out and you not fitting.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(763): It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language.

(314): I just tried to text you by typing “whoa” into my contacts.

(814): What should we drink tonight, I’m in the mood to be judged.

(406): I defriended her. I just can’t support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

(507): I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.

(757): I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil.

(910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up.

(315): Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

(707): At one point last night I over heard you say ” I’m gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat” I LOVE YOU.

(914): I’m in charge of his party but you’re a paramedic, we’re both needed.

(208) please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.

(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER.

Sounds like…Liz
(770): Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.

(303): So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
(312): And maybe a life coach?

(201): He’s cheating on her.
(973): Are you sure it wasn’t her?
(201): I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn’t change her face in the past two months; its her.

(403): I’m going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.

(303): Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw.

(678): You played “let it burn” by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah…That drunk.

(814): I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there’s no need to say “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

(516): Maybe tomorrow I’ll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here’s hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you.

(843): God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.

(724): Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS.

(403): And then you proceeded to sneak behind the bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!

(412): I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness.

(870): Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
(1-870): I’m going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That’s when all the cat pictures come.

(781): And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

(518) I just sneezed alcohol into a candle and started a fire

(416) bitches at mcdonalds actin like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.

(443) my #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.

(415) just learned how to deliver a baby, the things I saw tonight cannot be unseen.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(405): It’s ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren’t saving them for a special occasion.

(570): I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
(484): tell her thanks so much.

(952): Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.

(608): It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes.

(231): Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself.

(908): I’ve decided I’m gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

(843): I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.

(714): She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.

(802): I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

(303) it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science. and free alcohol.

(319) nothing says happy birthday jesus like a shot with your loved ones

Sounds like…Anthony
(201): We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

(864): He looks like he’d be great Lego character.

(704): So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning…

(713): Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.

(203): I pulled some girls weave trying to pull the stop cord on the bus.

(724): I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

(205): I kind of feel like BP. I’m dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

(248): Please be advised that because of last year’s “incident” we will no be starting St. Pat’s day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.

(541): You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing… then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it… i’d say it was a successful birthday.

(401): I tried to sit on a barstool last night…it was an open trashcan.

(360) not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, I also got kicked out of denny’s. I didn’t even know that was possible.

(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.