I’m digging out from vacation/wedding number 1/catching up everywhere else and in the midst of working on a slew of things to post for you in the next couple of weeks. So for now, you’ll have to make do with this.
I’m sure you’re upset. So I made it a little longer than usual to make up for my absence.
(805) the only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
(850) If you wondered to yourself today “Did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children,” the answer is yes.
(906) I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can I call you?
(570) You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
(573) Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
(810) He’s flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell…I have no words.
(506) I am a mess. Weirdest thing. I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
(605) Maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counteracts a hangover.
(309) I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
(+44) I’m sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn’t my fault. No one was enforcing discipline so not really my fault for not behaving.
(+44) If I had to summarize my weekend I would do so using the words “Horrifying romanian moonshine.”
(609) The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes.
(610) Hahaha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
(641) TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
(217) Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you.
(240) This kid is drunk.
(410) I hope by “this kid” you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
(607) I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength
(360) DIN’T JUSGE NE
(862) He put a lighter in my cleavage and said “You’re like another pocket!”
(215) I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory…
(1-215) Just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream “IT’S IN THE CHEESECAKE!!”
(503) Did I change midway through last night?
(206) Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
(407) And if I hated you I’d probably say things like, “I never want to speak to you again” or “Eat a bag of dicks.” That’s how you’d know.
(925) It’s that thing where you don’t have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
(415) I am broke enough to accept it. If i get poisoned, you can have my shoes.
(404) Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka.
(770) I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on Facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
(631) Speaking of creep.. love how i kept touching strangers faces at the bar… and saying “Don’t worry I’m a dermatologist”
(610) I have been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
(908) Somehow you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
(814) I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St. Pattys Day.
(613) I woke up on your bathroom floor, I used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero.
(608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
(207): I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
(214): Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
(207): Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
(814): I really wasn’t that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
(724): When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
(+44) At one point we asked the guy to play “the lion sleeps tonight” with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
(905) It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner.
(954) Vodka and eggs at 9:30 a.m. = thank you, america.
(727) I automatically know you’re drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish.
(909) Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They’re perfect flipping cups…
(605) Tonight’s drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
(440) Maybe if I keep dancing I won’t throw up.
(907) started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
(404) Did you see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
(360) It looks like I sent you four failed attempts at the word “hey.” Sorry about that.
(973) They’re showing aladdin at the bar, my birthday is complete.
(610) This speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
(443) I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
(805) Someone threw a dead crab at me.
(847) Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
(978) I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore… or now would be good.
(248) My eyes feel like they’re throwing up and I’m the only human on campus.
(787) I’ve been trying to brush my teeth for 20 minutes now…mother of hangovers.
(610) I just made a 90s Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix…I don’t want to build it up but your head might explode.
(519): We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs…… I won by the way.
(714): i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero…its cinco de mayo
(314): i wish starbucks made bloody marys
(516): remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
(781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
(781): I love boston
(206) I feel like I’m in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death.
(314) I think mom knows I’m drunk. I pul a full blown balloon in the fridge.
(409) You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your “ship” because you were the captain. It was cool though. You let me be your first mate.
(401) She threw up a whole curly fry. A WHOLE CURLY FRY.
(+44) Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Don’t know if anyone actually attempted it though.
(603) Yeah I’m about to go down a water slide that comes out of a second story window. I love college.
(305) I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
(719) Singing High School Musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
(269) “I wasn’t planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway.” – Some guy on the bus with a chicken.
(269) “Yeah, I only have nine toes.” – that same guy.
(567) for future reference, twizzlers can leave welts
(617) college: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
(920) Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
(706) We were walking and you spelled the word “oats” to prove you weren’t drunk.
(412) Annnnd this chick is using a hand puppet made out of a sock to give her research presentation…
(203): these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
(603): Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing…
(608) Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
(215) I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning.
(215) My face left an imprint on the loaf.
(757) You were buying shots for everyone, saying “I got a tax refund. I’m a MILLIONAIRE.”
(717) If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm regards, your roommate
(814) just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
(304) You spilled spaghetti on the floor and kept telling the noodles to “settle down” as you tried to clean it up.
(703) You didn’t act like you were blacked out yesterday…
(410) I didn’t know
(228) He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room.
(407) Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transferring money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, I knew what I was doing.
(845) Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
(407) She looked like Meryl Streep on Quaaludes at a wine tasting during the Great Depression.
(506) At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which “six flags” we were at.
(407) If I theoretically had to put an IV back in what do I need to do?
(580) He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
(306) You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald’s for a double quarter pounder. I’d say you’ve more than filled your drunken meat quota.
(507) YOu insisted on going outside so you could “breathe real air.”
(607) I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with a chipped tooth.
(780) We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling “WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!”
(248) I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars I went to last night
(540) I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
(817) You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target
(330) He drank a monster margarita at dinner. Had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
(918) Kanye’s agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
(704) There’s a 35 percent chance I’m still residually drunk from last night.
(904) And you say you’re not good with numbers….
(907): How are you feeling today?
(330): i could’ve thrown up on command at any point today…
(952): True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
(270): I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
(765): Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
(1-765): The power was out.
(917): He kept yelling “osteoporosis” and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Sounds like… Sammi
(774) I have whisky and jager. There’s no telling what kind of monster will emerge.
(307) they wouldn’t let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel.
(404) What’s the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
(763) He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
(870) He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number.
(601) K. On the way. I need a drink.
(904) Like a drink drink or like water?
(601) Have we met?
(573) Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you.
(224) I won’t be hard to find. I’m wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
(973) He gave me a love letter in polish. He thinks I speak polish. I DON’T SPEAK POLISH.
(630) I’m never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
(831) he brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date…I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place… A toothbrush??!!
(330) Just found my diary from when I was 14. I demand a drinking game out of this.
(305) One day. I will touch his hair. I’m curious if it’ll be like a soft cloud.
(859) he tired to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
(215) Judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter there will be 8.5 galloons of tequila drunk this weekend.
(609) sounds about right
(484) In a weird way, I don’t want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what’s wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
(847) As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for Captain Morgan, I thought it’d be best to leave.
(917) I don’t think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins.
(561) I’m sorry, when did “I like your shit” become an acceptable pickup line?
(773) Before I die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. And they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentery, or hunting accident
(631) Everytime she opens her mouth it’s like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
(484) You shouted “FUCK SHANIA TWAIN” and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine. None of us knew how to react.
(201): A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he’s a pilot, so he’ll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
(781): Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
(219): I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
(957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said “drink up, bitches” …please tell me that can be us some day.
(623): Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
(917): its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
(317): Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
(315) Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. It’s like the great depression over here.
(618) Just bartered a McD’s cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain’t got shit on me.
(765) Well, between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, I lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
(918) What’d you guys eat?
(1-918) Literally everything that was frozen.
(573) We played shuffleboard at the bar last night…another sign we are getting too old.
(315) Careful of the bathroom. There’s some drunken ninja turtles in there…
(212) Katie told the cabby “When the boat docks I’m getting off with you.”
(760) Houston, we have a blender.
(204) I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours so no judgment here.
(423) There’s Jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
(301) I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand.
(818) Now I’ll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
(304) I’m more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats
(661) I’ve cried into many a lonely burrito
(919): It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
(732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
(917): I think I just saw someone hide a body.
(425): I just got a facebook invite to join a group called “bring back the old franzia spout.” i never want our generation to grow up.
(626) Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
(1-626) This is why you don’t have nice things.
(630) The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
(206) I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to God it smelled like franzia.
(719) Just had a 40 minute argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
(781) You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar.
(404) I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day.
(707) I just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone else’s.
(813) she loves me even though she knows all I’ve done. She’s kind of like jesus.
(713) Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
(928) You know its bad when I can already feel tomorrow’s hangover before drinking today.
(337) By the way, I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
(204) I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more than we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink…a lot.
(1-204) I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship.
(360) Someone got day drunk, but I’m not saying who.
(360) It was me.
(914) He threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. I’m not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
(217) I’m pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
(945) Don’t ever try to run hungover. Just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. They were horrified.
(519) There are very few times I will succumb to lying naked on my bathroom floor. But last night is a reasonable enough cause.
(503) You laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub.
(208): Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn’t a risk I’m willing to take
(619): there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
(507): Okay I’m all about any plan that ends with “We’re gonna get you drunk.”
(330): I’m going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
(717) Every grown woman needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character
(847) Bath mats should not be used as mops. They don’t work. Consider this a drunk PSA.
(410) Well you decided to make everyone “drinks” which was sprite and beer mixed.
(717) You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams.
(619) My grandma made me promise not to drink more beer so I’m chugging wine.
(248) THIS ISN’T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
(248) He started to lose his balance halfway through his “commencement speech” at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
(916) WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING “TOOT IT AND BOOT IT” AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
(206) My last google search last night was “vodka swimming pool.”
(630) He’s sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
(+61) The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger.
(909) this is the most sickening thing I’ve ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
(256) there was a guy running for some position in our government named “young boozer” hell yes I voted for him
(951) omg just made cake vodka jello shots, so excited
(951) dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles.
(706) I totally accidentally said “we don’t go around hammering girls in the rear” in front of 132 fifth graders today.
(914) I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
(307) All my mom knows is what I put on Facebook. So… I mean… She knows we drink a lot.
(775) The only responsible thing I’ve done in vegas is shower and that was only to clean vomit off me.
(307) We invited our waitress tonight to come too…we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
(858) I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult-sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
(209) I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
(248) Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
(1-248) Yup. It’s just me crying in a closet eating soup.
(425) UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
(714) The back of my hand read, “Say no to drugs.” My palm read “Say yes to shots.” When the fuck did I write that?
(732) I find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right.
(843) Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot though.
(707) I’m never drinking mad dog again and I have your belt.
(716) Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week.
(416) Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear.
(561): The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
(512): I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
(310): that’s the second time you’ve been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
(818): its my fault though, i’m wearing tights
(310): you’re hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid’s fiance in the parent trap
(845): Just know I’m having fun but I still have my motor functions.