Somethin’ to talk about

OK, so the other day I got really obsessed with my stats and managed to find the ones that had gotten the most reads in the past five years. And oddly enough, the moth one was the winner. Ugh, moths. I just gagged.

Anyways. Another thing I found in my stats search was the top most-commented-on blogs in the past five years. (Shout-out to Jennifer for being the number one – and number three – commenter. BFF.) I was a little less surprised at these, compared to the ones from the most-read list. Seems you all had a lot of thoughts on online dating and helping me decide whether or not to put a life-size poster of Robert Downey Jr. above my bed (which still might happen one day, by the way).

Here they are, though, the five most-commented-on blogs in the past five years:

5. Momma said…

I was asked by my daughter to write a little something this week for Mother’s Day. My daughter is Laura, one of the reporters for this paper. I think she is very good at what she does, of course. That being said, please don’t judge me on what I am about to write.

4. Remembering the end of an era

Harry Potter has been over for a while now. No new books, no new movies. I refuse to accept it.

3. I came, I saw, I winked. And then I moved on.

It was a month when my insomnia came back full-force, when my anxiety moved from threat level yellow (where it stays most of the time) to red-orange or orange-red or whatever that crayon color is. It was a month when I had paid $35 and all I was getting for my money was added stress. And that’s something I definitely don’t need.

2. Getting all crafty up in this piece

Thanks to a well-timed Groupon and a week I didn’t have to buy groceries, I splurged on two canvas prints from a Web site. The pictures I chose for the canvas-izing – yeah I made that word up, so what – are my two favorites from the trip. And there’s a third in the running.

1. Hurry up and wait

So maybe the first couple nights I was a little slutty with the winking (it’s a feature where you basically send people a “wink” whose profile you liked). Aaaaaand nothing has come of it.

And of course there’s an honorable mention for this one, too..because it was tied for number of comments with the one my momma wrote. It was the very first “Sounds familiar,” from WAAAAY back in November of 2009.

Sounds like…CKR (including me)
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
Pledge alligien to american to united states of america.

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Sounds familiar

I couldn’t stage a comeback without including an old favorite for y’all.

You know the drill. Texts From Last Night publishes texts that could very well be from my friends, even though the area codes are different…

Sounds like…me
(865) I’m so drunk. Liken realign drink
(615) Like really drunk?
(615) Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

(304) I’m cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that’s not why they want to live on their own is lying.

(412) I think I’m crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me

(570) Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

(204) We need to invent and abuse teleportation

(770) He sent me a text from across the party that said “your sexy.” I just couldn’t.

(705) I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they all came out and I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that’s so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests’ twitter, damn.

(330) when in doubt, it’s too much cheese

(360) So much rum. So many feels.

(563) He saw one of my bras on the floor and said “damn you could eat soup out of this.”

(251) Apparently I yelled “Spring Break 1984” at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.

(336) Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

(609) I began mixing Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels and called it Captain Jack Sparrow. I puked. A lot.

(717) Somehow I got food poisoning and alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I’m waiting for my tv to make its move.

Sounds like…Rachel
(615) If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. not only monetarily, but spiritually as well.

(301) I will be there. Invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

(517) I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
(517) I will probably dream about it.

(+27) This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.

(301) OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I’m pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.

(985) How is there no taco emoji?! That’s some bullshit.

(954) In the second smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme

(617) just gave a Yankees fan wrong directions to Fenway…welcome to boston asshole

Sounds like…Sami
(506) That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room.

(949) I’m not even pretending to study anymore. I’m straight up sleeping in the library.

(602) Remind me to tell you how I’ve been deaf since Sunday at 1245.

(805) My mom asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday

(575) We are taking shots off spoons and listening to Mary Poppins

(905) You called me and said “Aidan’s unconscious” to which he said “I’m conscious. I’m conscious pilot.”
(1-905) He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(207) Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.

(843) Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cause I think that’s what it feels like.

(717) I just instagrammed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night.

(513) I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I’m a gem.

(678) You is good. You is important. You is a slut

(931) On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experience

(330) She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

(413) I think the name vodka for girl is amazing

Sounds like…Anna
(508) Eredayimstrugglin… Can we talk about the fact that I just typed “er” and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.

(503) I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I’d probably marry him.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(608) I’m trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover

(586) If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style

(918) I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend’s bathroom floor from time to time

(925) Where did you go?
(1-925) I’m not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I’m never leaving. Ever.

(330) i need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.

(239) We call her skankles because she’s a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious.

(860) You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face.

(918) It sounds miserable… I have to wear a dress AND it’s a cash bar?

(609) And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions I’ll kill you

(202) I’m drunk with people I love less than you. Fix it.

(646) Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
(718) Do you want my opinion or society’s?
(646) I want your company.

Sounds like…Liz
(765) My mom just added me on Facebook. She has one like and it’s Will Smith.

(706) The worst part about being a grammar nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled.

(512) How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to God, I get the lamest drunk injuries.

(386) In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

(757) I’m not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet

(847) So many Oreos I’m regretting this decision already but I’m happy at the same time… The straddle is real.
(847) Struggle. Not straddle. I’m not straddling anyone

(815) Also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up

(530) I’m sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How’s your Monday?

(618) ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL

(231) You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.

(740) No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I’ll ever be I love you

Sounds familiar XVI

Things are a little behind over here, if you haven’t noticed. But not for much longer. See, I put this together for you!

Stay tuned for your regularly scheduled programming….but first..

Sounds like…Me
(780): Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP.

(281): Too tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don’t want to know what that says about my life.

(404): Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka.

(310): Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.

(910): I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I’m texting with.

(816): It’s just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.

(860): New carpet is nice. I’m making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.

(978): we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost ‘badass’ and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we’re not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we’re not allowed to throw them.

(631): I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone”.

(910): Found the puke drawer.

(859): and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.

(734): we got kicked out of McDonald’s because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
(248): …that shit cray.

(607): just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out.

(612): So I did end up texting him last night… I asked him how he felt about haircuts… not sure where I was going with that one?

(206): Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.

Sounds like…Rachel
(630): How much did you drink?
(708): Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea.

(563): This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA.

(519): We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs…… I won by the way.

(978): No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again.

(914): So somebody asked her is she’s okay.She turned around,started running and screamed “Ballet is running through my veins” before doing a small pirouette.It’s amazing how she managed not to fall.

(303): doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult.

(302): I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment.

(508): 81 degrees in april…. Thinking margaritacicles, you in?

(208): You had me at “mimosas” several texts ago.

(956): Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

Sounds like…Sami
(662): What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(231): My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.

(270): My last google search of the night was “Things that cost $102.50”.

(508): You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said “I hope you are not on fire” and hung up.

(078): Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

Sounds like…Jennifer
(760): You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.

(478): Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!

(616): Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I’m obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.

(541): You would be my first round pick for a drinking team.

(916): the gays at disneyland are vicious.

(307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

(301): I’m about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
(301): Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

(781): i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

Sounds like…Sammi
(517): This baby is an asshole.

(603): Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing…

(518): Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge.

(608): I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

(949): Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?

(+44): The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can’t respond positively to that he can fuck off…

(315): Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men.

(908): You couldn’t find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
(732): Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

(716): We should install the ‘help i’ve fallen and can’t get up’ buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.

(505): I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
(703): OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

(317): The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

(626): obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that.

(973): Hahahaaa There’s this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex’s leg. He’s trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

Sounds like…Liz
(719): I need to stop going to bars and yelling “I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!”

(832): Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem.

(616): EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER.

(44): You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to ‘Jesus and all the other guys’ for drinking on a Sunday.

(330): I can’t tell if I’m hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face.

(817): I’ll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children’s children.

(724): Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

(904): after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.

(419): we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.

(954): My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted??

(734): WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES.

Sounds like…Anthony
(870): Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious.

(770): You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying “it’s fine, they melt.”

(805): So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
(1-805): Sweet. Did I win?
(805): Youre hungover arent you?

(215): can’t blv i tried using a “backpack” as a unit of measurement…i drank a lot of beer last night.

(208): You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

(812): I tell myself every day I shouldn’t be friends with you.

(323): I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can’t choke on an apple btw.

(310): She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf…and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
(310): so no, not her best night.

(701): Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab…

Sounds familiar XV

As if I would kick this important week off with anything else…

Sounds like…Me
(850): Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.

(610): I think she’s perpetually drunk
(484): It’s all she knows.

(484): Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
(732): No, I did. It’s a long story.

(484): they paper machayed me.
(215): i told you … never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

(520): Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don’t remember this.

(803): happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing.

(571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

(832): He’s just giving off this “someone be a bitch to me” vibe.

(610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and “I don’t give a shit”
(1-610): Aren’t they always?

(817): I should know better than to trust a man I’ve seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.

(712): We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me.

(310) I do. There’s a bald-headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had 2 beers.

(336) why am i a bad person? you were the one trying to get epode to eat tape.

(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.

(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.

(401) I just puked in a plastic bag at a red light, go me.

(705) I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projectile vomit. make it happen.

Sounds like…Rachel
(512): I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
(1-512): I don’t know if I should be concerned or impressed.

(215): It’s like the bermuda triangle of cat puke.

(304): you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras.

(850): I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

(760): I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.

(785): Um…any recollection of peeing in the pantry.

(541): I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue.

(801): Ya he’s alive. Apparently he’s been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.

(585): Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.

(314): I’m in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.

(309): Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.

(925): Ahahhahaha I’m not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday.

(401): remind to leave next time the words “tequila” and “challenge” are shouted.

(316): I just threw up over a bridge. I didn’t even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.

(219) just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest because he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.

(614) woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 a.m. on a tuesday morning = best commute ever

(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.

Sounds like…Sami
(573): Mcdonalds hasn’t even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

(574): It’s 10AM, she’s drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you’ve got to be effing kidding me.

(306): We’re bowling with a frozen turkey in the hallway…ur missing out.

(919): I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

(949): ‘Well you know, stuff happens’ isn’t really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear.

(517) wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets

(405) grape juice and vodka is not wine

(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally I made some new male friends.

(505) The last thing I remember was convincing you to hide in the fridge and then taking everything out and you not fitting.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(763): It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language.

(314): I just tried to text you by typing “whoa” into my contacts.

(814): What should we drink tonight, I’m in the mood to be judged.

(406): I defriended her. I just can’t support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

(507): I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.

(757): I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil.

(910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up.

(315): Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

(707): At one point last night I over heard you say ” I’m gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat” I LOVE YOU.

(914): I’m in charge of his party but you’re a paramedic, we’re both needed.

(208) please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.

(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER.

Sounds like…Liz
(770): Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.

(303): So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
(312): And maybe a life coach?

(201): He’s cheating on her.
(973): Are you sure it wasn’t her?
(201): I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn’t change her face in the past two months; its her.

(403): I’m going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.

(303): Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw.

(678): You played “let it burn” by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah…That drunk.

(814): I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there’s no need to say “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

(516): Maybe tomorrow I’ll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here’s hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you.

(843): God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.

(724): Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS.

(403): And then you proceeded to sneak behind the bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!

(412): I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness.

(870): Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
(1-870): I’m going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That’s when all the cat pictures come.

(781): And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

(518) I just sneezed alcohol into a candle and started a fire

(416) bitches at mcdonalds actin like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.

(443) my #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.

(415) just learned how to deliver a baby, the things I saw tonight cannot be unseen.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(405): It’s ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren’t saving them for a special occasion.

(570): I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
(484): tell her thanks so much.

(952): Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.

(608): It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes.

(231): Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself.

(908): I’ve decided I’m gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

(843): I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.

(714): She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.

(802): I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

(303) it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science. and free alcohol.

(319) nothing says happy birthday jesus like a shot with your loved ones

Sounds like…Anthony
(201): We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

(864): He looks like he’d be great Lego character.

(704): So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning…

(713): Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.

(203): I pulled some girls weave trying to pull the stop cord on the bus.

(724): I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

(205): I kind of feel like BP. I’m dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

(248): Please be advised that because of last year’s “incident” we will no be starting St. Pat’s day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.

(541): You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing… then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it… i’d say it was a successful birthday.

(401): I tried to sit on a barstool last night…it was an open trashcan.

(360) not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, I also got kicked out of denny’s. I didn’t even know that was possible.

(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.

Sounds familiar XIV

There are at least three on here that I believe the person I said it sounds like has actually sent. Seriously.

Sounds like… Me
(603): He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.

(605): You were throwing up and said, “Wipe my face, I must look presentable at all times.”.

(705): You hid from a cop under some guy’s canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work.

(830): No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted “JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT” and everyone started doing them with her.

(570): Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.

(716): i looked at my phone & had a message that said “tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath.” I give you props.

(715): How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I’m anxious about it.

(406): Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift.

(717): Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717): Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

(304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I’d take care of my friends puke.

(304) I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

(507) Dear everyone. As mark stated I did the ‘piss n run’ last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. “If I could turn back time” – cher

(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime… it’s that time.

(724) I’m drunk and confused. there might be a four-year-old here.

(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear.”

Sounds like… Rachel
(478): He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

(678): Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out “I don’t have AIDS”.

(406): K, so let’s go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea.

(519): He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.

(283): He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score though.

(805): Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313): Everything hurts.

(703): No. I’m wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me.

(269) I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. stay tuned.

(401) I just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love october.

(267) your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats.

(773) why didn’t you say something constructive, like, “Stop chugging that vodka”?

Sounds like… Sami
(+44): you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

(404): my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.

(513): Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled “2010” on it from you in the mail?

(508) help help how do I get him away from me should I talk in a robot voice or something

(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. i love college.

(+44) Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future.

Sounds like… Anthony
(570): Chicken wings don’t come back up an through your nose as easily as you’d think.

(781): I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.

(860): I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs.

(936): You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper’s clevage and said “Keep this warm for me.

(734) if my nicknames are based on what i throw up, you can call me Jimmy John’s.

(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. fuck a serving size

(610) you’re the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I’m OK.

Sounds like… Jennifer
(330): Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

(406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
(1-406): That literally makes no sense
(406): Exactly.

(306): Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.

(724): Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy’s in the shitter.

(506): Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident.

(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.

(304) call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

Sounds like… Liz
(808): Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

(412): I made a Wendy’s employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night.

(216): I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair.

(780): let’s see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING.

(503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol.

(910): Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst… Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it’s obsession with chewing on cardboard…. Time for a nap.

(919): I have been drinking since 2. And I’m now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna’s helping.

(614): Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar.

(217) win + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.

(914) There’s a girl in my class named “La-a” pronounced “Luh Dash uh” I hate everyone.

(515) you ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune and 1 deal or no deal ….by yourself with sound effects and music included.

(831) tequila shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better.

Sounds like…Sammi
(609) we tried to pick out bridesmaids dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

Sounds familiar XIII

You know how they say 13 is an unlucky number? Well, in this case it’s not. It’s lucky. For you!

Sounds like…Me
(717): Gotcha. Well, I’m puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says “love the moment” around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

(515): you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you were gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny.

(727): I’ve been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn’t think I was that drunk but I guess I am.

(570): That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.

(570): They’re doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.

(478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover.

(403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn’t lose you if you went pee in the dark.

(870): Don’t make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I’ve been that girl.

(925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
(1-925): We just have a real special relationship.

(910): You went to jail last night?!
(1-910): Just a little bit.

(970): I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.

(707): I would’ve been fine if I didn’t do the three shots
(1-707): You did like 8.

(310): Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

(316):So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
(1-316):That sounds dangerous
(316): Don’t worry……were wearing oven mits.

Sounds like…Anthony
(815): I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.

(616): Don’t be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.

(212): You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.

(360): you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

(210):Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

Sounds like…Rachel
(248): Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

(207): I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup.

(770): the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.

(913): The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
(816): Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from.

(859): She’s the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon.

(314): I think mom knows I’m drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.

(303): I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.

(902): I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there’s no hope for us.

(352):there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.

Sounds like…Sami
(919): The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers.

(207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight.

(+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said “Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!”.

(214): How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?

(314): Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!

(412): on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.

Sounds like…Liz
(217): Oh, and she’s that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns.

(508): she vomitted in her champagne, said “fuck it, it’s new years”, and continued drinking.

(281): you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka.

(203): WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS.

(443): I’m in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn’t look so pretty “in these parts”.

(404): I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.

(714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.

(727): Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?

(650): lol i’m looking through my photos and there’s this giant section of just dudes wearing murses.

(917): Her stripper name is Geico. I’m not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

(727): Was I really yelling “girls night” at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?

(408): Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
(831): You did a keg stand on the toilet?!

Sounds like…Jennifer
(206): I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.

(720): You’re the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

(608): not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave.

(503): You’re in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.

(637): I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night.

(925): Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.

(803): Agreed. That’s like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet.

(918): It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it’s a cash bar?

(920): Just found a note from Saturday that says “rainy soft hair”…. Any ideas?

(319):Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn’t know.

Sounds familiar XI

Oh yeah. I did it. Part 11. On 11-11-11. At 11:11. It’s magical and whatnot.

Sounds like…Me
(512): You kept running up to random groups of people and saying “I’m a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!” and they all listened to you.

(250): Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.

(717): You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams.

(310): Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I’d say it was fine.

(610): Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room.

(317): Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?

(479): Drunker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me.

(586): and he’s drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship.

(515) Just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it’s hyped up to be.

(202): I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
(410): I knew I liked you

Sounds like…Liz
(847): Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I’m adorable. F-ING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.

(862) 5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you’re definitely DTF.

(608) I don’t even have to sign up for karaoke there anymore. The karaoke people just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang Stacy’s mom to some lady named Stacy whose mom died yesterday.

(773):I’m gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

(248): I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment

(317):when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single

Sounds like…Rachel
(614): He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be “the swiffer” help.

(503) you were crying and trying to give advice to people… that was a new level of drunk for you.

(518) I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals. we figured with all the bacon you eat, you may taste like it. It’s a chance we are willing to take with your life…don’t forget that we love you.

(508): you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

(970) I loved your drunken rendition of “I wanna dance with somebody” you left on my voicemail last night.

(340) $1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.

(484) All I remember was you yelling “Look at my little feet” at everyone on the way home from the bar.

(562):The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.

(972): What was that guy’s name that you dated that wore the leotard?

(845):No more Irish car bombs ever.

(785): Hold on there are flying pancakes I can’t handle this right now

Sounds like…Jennifer
(612): Also I’d like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

(613) The family I’m sitting with looks like the Addams Family. Except for the daughter. She looks like Shrek.

(812) she’s in the bathroom, spitting in the trashcan, not throwing up. Just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
(1-812) thatta girl

(510) It’ll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

Sounds like…Sami
(610) I just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.

(330)he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone I threw away.

(703) There was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on…normally I would be OK with this but he was 40…

(763): My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.

(859) Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

(618) Just because your phone has a case on it doesn’t mean it will survive a five-story drop out the window.

(518) You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them.

Sounds like…Anthony
(502) I think I sharted a yagerbomb.

(814) I swear if she hugs me I’m going to bleach my body.

(603) Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(585): I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus.

(502) All my problems are solved. I just got McDonald’s and scratch-off lottery tickets.

10. Count ’em.

First of all, I can’t believe we went this long into this month before I remembered I owed y’all one of these. Note to self: do not make habits of neglecting regular features. And this is the 10th one, so I should have done something awesome like post it for 10/10 at 10:10 or something equally as cheezy. Unrelated, I totally know what I’m doing about Part 11.

So, without further ado, here’s your monthly fix. Also, forgive me if you’ve seen any of these before. New settings on the phone and previous saved TFLN favorites were deleted. GASP!

Sounds like…Me
(540) We managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. Don’t hate.

(606) I don’t know what it is about vodka that makes me ruin relationships.
(720) turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card “must have been stolen.”

(404) I’m at Taco Bell and they have a hiring sign asking “Do you like to melt things?” Clearly they only want the ambitious.

(269) I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by Xanax.

(803) For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer….

(703) I can’t believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.

(256) You were saying “I am the vodka queen!” and then in a different voice replying to yourself “All hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!

(617): What time did you start drinking?
(978): Maybe.
(617): Maybe isn’t a time…

(856): i’m just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

(814): I’m not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i’ll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt.

(724) also, I may or may not be wearing a cape right now. Hint: I am.

(541) I’m not leaving bed today. And I guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not be named. I’m a piece of work.

(313) so brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don’t live here. I drank it.

(708) either she doesn’t know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll or I just saw a 60-year-old on a walk of shame.

(406) as it would turn out, “jesussssssss” is not the password to enter faith chapel’s wifi network.

Sounds like…Sami
(541) My math teacher staples Burger King applications to failed tests.

(317) Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I’m walking down the street.

(404) Just took a career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

(631) Our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. Welcome to college.

(405) I’m at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.

(412) there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing “tryna catch me ridin dirty”

Sounds like…Jennifer
(+44) Ideas for Halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.

Sounds like…Rachel
(925) “Ever since I killed her kid she be actin’ shady.” Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.

(801) Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes.

(310) It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots.

(850) Lesson #67 learned in college: a three-day old margarita, is still a margarita

(248) New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

(828) if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.

(720) you should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes I did just turn that into a verb.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(267) Just realized I can abbreviate Thomas Paine as T Pain in poli theory class notes…YES.

(617) I wish life was like Dora the Explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you.

Sounds like..Anthony
(612) I’m convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person..

(480) I am in Macy’s and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.

(443) where are you?
(240) hypothermia

(250) i just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shitting in our ocean.

Sounds like…Liz
(905) I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can’t really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.

(210) Apparently, I kept going on about how I’m going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.

(502) WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!?

(512) I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective.

(814) i’m thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles

(650) we should be flying in to LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign.
(562) you can’t even see the f-ing Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo.

Sounds familiar IX

A gift for you, because I know you’ll love it.

No need to thank me.

Sounds like…me
(708) Also, turning on the light this morning was a three-step process. Way too hungover.

(705) You would only drink if the Space Jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said ‘Y’ll ready for this?”

(203) These pics are all out of focus. Was this what the camera saw? Or what your eyes saw?

(720) You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup…I think they were more amazed then upset.

(925) It smells like ranch.
(925) Must be all the white people.

(603) Are you going to sacrifice your life for McDonald’s Hashbrowns?

(937) You got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.

(+44) One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette, my friend.

(919) I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

(520) I’m six kinds of drunk right now.

(803) That’s why I don’t chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.

(609) I celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. So classy. Happy fourth.

(304) Go to google and type XXX
(1-304) ….. Is that how you look up porn?

(732) Just woke up to a 10 minute voicemail of you singing 99 red balloons. You need to work on your German.

(814) The most drunk I have ever been? Possibly. The most drunk I have ever been on a Monday? Definitely.

(204) Ha. I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.

(512) You were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the “big chips” because it was your 21st birthday.

(502) I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.

(773) Today’s face brought to you by last night’s makeup.

(609) Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win.

(905) She just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(805) I’m not judging you… I’m judging our friendship.

(314) I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.

(202) I’m drunk with people I love less than you. Fix it.

(917) Under no circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift.

(562) All I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar.

(507) So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didn’t realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.

(301) That’s what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.

(843) He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.

(419) When I sang “My Humps” to you I meant it.

Sounds like…Rachel
(913) Speaking is such a hard concept right now.

(404) Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don’t know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.

(317) We just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said “You done it!” with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. I love Kentucky.

(440) Maybe if I keep dancing I won’t throw up.

(757) FYI if I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer.

(231) You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.

(614) We just shotgunned beers for America.

(650) I say over Christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

(336) I feel miserable and there’s nutella all over my phone.

(202) There is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

(617) I don’t know if it’s the amount I drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on Facebook but i feel like puking everywhere.

(630) They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won’t quit my job today.

(864) We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.

(602) So I’ve come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

(229) New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents

(304) There’s a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.

Sounds like…Sami
(416) I’m reading about reasons for wearing clothing. Is this college or preschool?

(309) I want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
(309) so finals studying is going well?

(203) There’s a kid face down in the middle of campus…people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

(610) The guy at McDonald’s just told us there is no flash photography allowed.

(949) You kept telling us that in dog beers you only had 1.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(425) It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like, “This is my girlfriend, Erica,” and I was like, “This is my milkshake, Oreo.”

(902) If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

(407) I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.

(561) Also I got a Jello shot for $2!! It’s like the Forever 21 of bars.

(719) Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true.

(314) I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.

Sounds like…Anthony
(404) what’s for breakfast?
(678) Advil and throwup

(608) You can’t just puke in an arby’s and not order food. That’d be rude.

(217) Turn sideways at McDonald’s = actual directions to a winery.

(703) I feel like after you turn 30 you aren’t supposed to black out anymore.

(256) She’s bipolar. She literally has two facebook pages. One for each personality. This. Bitch. Is. Crazy.

(343) Stop sending me dancing Jesus forwards.

(619) I’m sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. Probably not great for your toilet.

(630) True life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand…then walk away like it didn’t happen.

(864) I can’t wait to get all this Maker’s out of my shoe.

(+44) She just messaged me 19 sad faces.

(907) How are you feeling today?
(330) I could’ve thrown up on command at any point.

(954) I threw up in over 4 different places last night. It was like a world tour.

Sounds like…Liz
(952) I am literally missing a chunk of my eyelashes. That’s how fun it was.

(801) My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party.

(469) Btw found the cat. He didn’t appreciate the toilet bath.

(856) I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

(407) So I’m playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, “You should’ve got the boots with the fur.”

(258) I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is.

(570) I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON’T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.

(501) All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession.

(707) You can’t just say things like “Great Depression” theme party and then not respond.

(631) You’re just mad because I have donuts and I’m beautiful

(814) All I want to do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.

(563) WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I’M CUTE.

Sounds like..Rebecca
(908) And then you looked me right in the eyes and said “I just really want to pet some horses right now.”

(678) Did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?

(973) America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7 a.m.

Sounds like…Sammi
(805) The facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than I do.

(209) I don’t think child-bearing hips is a compliment.

(703) She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.

Sounds like…Brent
(201) Just taught three girls from Korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.

(215) You told me to pour the gatorade on you “like flashdance.”

Sounds familiar VIII

Oh yes. It’s back. Get excited.

You know the drill. Read, laugh, add some of your own or dispute the ones I said sound like you.

Sounds like…me
(816) I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring.

(610) You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

(802) he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife.

(916) I can’t even type what I drank. I’ll throw up.

(269) I don’t know where I am, but there are firefighters.

(+44) at one point we asked the guy to play “the lion sleeps tonight” with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

(440) It’s like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once(1-440) that is the greatest  description ever.

(617) just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start.

(804) French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he’s pissed and is going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.

(917) I think I just saw someone hide a body.

(630) I just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady’s ass. who says chivalry is dead.
(815) We live in such a classy society.

(814) She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place.

Sounds like…Rachel
(914) I’d settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride

(561) Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons

(715) Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

(913) I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

(443) Just found out that I was singing John Legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.

(208) why do they even put the “please drink responsibly” on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequila? no, never.

(720) you should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb.

(630) my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win.

(617) quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate.

(240) I DID try to find you last night. I asked where you were and you texted me the letter “e” and a picture of the dark.

(415) Some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.

(973) I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

(716) I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

Sounds like…Liz
(304) You were offering to spell people’s name for a dollar.

(909) Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.

(818) I’m upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest f-ing thing ever

(403) I think I wrote “thanks for the free alcohol!!!” in their wedding guest book and I’m almost positive I signed my name.

(205) I was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP.

(206) it took me 7 solid minutes to realize “egggGSauceting” meant “exhausting.”

(654) And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.

(949) They have pregnancy tests at the dollar store. (949) I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.

(519) On a scale of one to America, how free are you this weekend?

Sounds like…Anthony
(830) she quoted hannah montana in her Facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.

(760) i wish they had nachos that got you drunk

(810) I also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what I can tell from my scissors

(336) That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on.

(205) Clusterf***ed is a frowned-upon word in work-related e-mails.

(924) 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down.
(1-924) what are you doing with your life

(910) I then asked the hardee’s employee: ‘ma’am, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.’

(704) Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.

(905) i just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse and she’s now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.

(610) I couldn’t wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night.

(267) I just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks. I’m waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what I said.

(813) She loves me even though she knows all I’ve done. She’s kind of like Jesus.

(814) I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around.

Sounds like…Sammi
(408) A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I’m not sure I like Europe.

(517) my head weighs 7 pounds. I know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

(+44) I forgot my ID and a man called soup is buying me vodka.

(509) i feel like i am carrying a baby. a baby made of alcohol.

(512) At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.

Sounds like…Baby Einstein
(817) OK, so for future reference, in Rome, “piano bar” means “brothel.”

(405) I’m at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of oreos in 5 minutes.

(740) we’ve called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke.

(902) The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat.

(706) We were walking and you spelled the word “oats” to prove you weren’t drunk.

(773) Before I die, we are going to Oregon and playing Oregon Trails for real. Like putting things in a hat and people will pull out whether they live or die. And they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary or hunting accident.

Sounds like…Rebeck
(804) I think beer pong is the only time I’ve ever found a use for geometry.

(215) I too understand the importance of cheesy bread.

(386) I wish we had vans that drove around at night but instead of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena.

(587) she compares her life to Teen Mom. She’s 28.

Sounds like…Ashley
(248) that’s it, I’m teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm.

(413) his facebook status quotes Britney Spears so there is always that.

(727) and she was petting her beer can.

(502) we got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good joice.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(708) Oh you’re gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl’s ponytail.

(708) he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i don’t want to be responsible for that
(1-708) ahaha ok
(708) let’s call it “werewolfing.”

(412) just watched a guy puke off his bike. beyond impressed. he didn’t even swerve.

(408) They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for Papa Smurf McDonald.

(716) He smelled like listerine and beef tacos.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(508) I just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.

(904) I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for “What Not To Wear.”

(603) we’re making bets on your personal life.

(330) He drank a monster margarita at dinner and asked me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

(618) Bought some hannah montana deodorant. Hope it doesn’t make me smell untalented.

(205) Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall…told her the oil spill was her fault.

(204) For some reason there are two like, 10-year-old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I’m in a Missy Elliott video.

Sounds like…Brent
(890) what’s a polygalesbian?
(728) lesbian polygamists…duh.

(707) who has a tranny cab driver? i have a tranny cab driver.