#tbt: Tales of a Third-Grade Laura

Only the coolest 8-year-olds had Walkmans. And spoiled toddlers, apparently.

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I don’t know how I thought I was going to pay for one for her on her sixth birthday (two months away at this point). That was obviously a lie to make me look good in front of Mrs. Kleinhans.

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In case you’re curious as to how my dating life is going…

I had this metaphor in mind for how online dating was like Pokemon Go, but not in a good way, because you catch all of the crazies and you don’t want to and then I realized I may not understand Pokemon Go and it all fell apart. But I also don’t really understand dating these days either, so maybe it does work? #fullcircle #inception

I know what you’re thinking – L, you are SUCH a catch. How on EARTH are you not spoken for yet? And to that I say – I guess this screen on my Bumble account speaks to that.

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Dating is exhausting. Or at least, thinking about dating is. Movies and TV shows where you just run into each other at the grocery or something are bullshit. I go to the grocery on the reg and have yet to be hit on. Even on days I don’t wear my yoga pants.

I just looked and it’s been over a year since I’ve updated you on my dating life. I’ve been on a good amount (in my mind anyway) of dates in that time. So I haven’t given up ALL hope. But you guys.

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I made the mistake of staying on Tinder until earlier this summer. Because I guess I needed attention.

About this time last year, I met a guy, Jared, through there who was in town for the week from work from Pennsylvania and I figured we’d get a drink, why not.

A drink turned into much more – including him continuing to text me once he went back to Pennsylvania and making plans to meet up when I went up to see my cousins because he was only a couple hours away. OH. And he managed to finagle his way onto another work trip down here a couple months after we originally met. He picked me up from the airport when I got back to Louisville, yes there was distance but we were seeing what happened because we’d had such good chemistry and conversation and stuff.

Example text, and in case you want to know my flirting style:

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Until he went back to Pennsylvania after that second visit and CEASED EXISTING BASICALLY.

The fuck?!

Aside – Will we ever be past ghosting? I hate it. So much. It’s a common theme these days. Because why actually tell someone how you feel when you can just disappear? HA. Feelings.

If only that was the end, y’all. But it wasn’t.

Earlier this summer, he apparently needed to feel better about himself and his shittiness so he messaged me on Facebook and acknowledged that he was an asshole and what he did was wrong. And that he regretted it because he liked me and he fucked up.

To all of that I said… Yup. You’re right. He asked if he could text me again and I allowed it because I wanted to see how far he would take the apology and try and figure out why he even bothered. We talked for about a week before, to nobody’s surprise, he disappeared again. I wrote a strongly worded message in response to that one and then sent three middle finger emojis the next time I got drunk. Because I am a classy lady that way.

Then I had this exchange and was done.

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In the winter, I changed it up and tried Bumble – a novel concept in that it’s basically Tinder but the girl has to initiate the conversation. No problem. I’m a feminist. Within a few weeks, I’d re-met someone from my high school who I kind of knew back in the day and he asked me out after a few days of talking.

We had an awesome first date – one of the best I’ve had in a while. Great conversation, a lot in common, he was really smart and I liked making out with him. Here’s the catch – he was unemployed. And living at home. I get extenuating circumstances and stuff, but the way he made it sound, he’d gotten fired. And he had no idea what he wanted out of a new job, his future, anything really.

I’m not nitpicky, but you gotta have some direction.

We went out a couple more times – had a conversation about how he was a horrible texter/communicator which should have tipped me off – and then he decided he didn’t want anything more serious than a hookup. Which I had to get him tell me after much prodding because he again, didn’t have his shit together in any way, really.

I deleted the app. Then re-added it.

Got some shit like this…

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I’m all about flirting but I’m not gonna play a game with you. Especially when I’m not entirely sure that it’s not gonna end in an unwelcome and unrequested dick pic.

A couple months ago I went on a couple dates and was talking fairly seriously – and fairly long, actually – with a guy from Indiana. That right there goes against everything in me, because Indiana.

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Long story short since hopefully you’re seeing the theme here… all was good until it wasn’t. Meaning three dates in he suddenly “didn’t have time to date right now.” Which is funny cause he was on an alleged dating site trying to meet people. To date. Allegedly.

So. In conclusion. I have trust issues. And need a break. And am taking one. I’m not going looking. A relationship can come find me. Maybe in the grocery.

Sounds familiar

This is the final entry in a long-running series – texts from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like they should/could be from my friends. We’ve had a good run, but I think it’s time I move on to other fun features for you guys.

So, please enjoy.

(609): I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.

(612): In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed

(703): Sexting is killing my work productivity but it’s okay because I’m self-employed

(650): Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

(+44): I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT

(408): Every person I’ve ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.

(774): Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum…. I’m LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.

(571): He’s nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you’re. I win.

(513): And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I’m supposed to be awake now.

(215): I convinced her that there were two p’s in Chipotle – the 2nd one was silent.

(773): Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago

(709): So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today….. at work.

(608): I’m still home, my life isn’t together. Currently drying my pants

(859): Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you

(708): THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS

(810): The power of my boobs compel you

(828): I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it

(321): A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever

(617): You just get me

(443): I’m the wind beneath your wings, bitch

(505): We’re too hungover to prance.

(305): I’m sad about how hungover I’m gonna feel tomorrow.

(403): Clearly you’ve confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.

(989): I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.

(508): I’m currently deliberating if I’m going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.

(734): Margaritas just taste better when they’re bigger than your head

(812): Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone

847): He’s interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us

(208): He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive 

(315): Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots

(612): A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.

(484): dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread

(847): I can’t open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchat filter

(256): Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I’m a fucking lady.

(720): I’m torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers

Maybe wait a little longer…

Among my 6 million jobs currently getting me to the next time I have full-time employment is babysitting. I’ve been doing a lot of hanging out with children under the age of 5 this summer.  

And that, as you may know, can come with some great stories. Because you never know what they will say. 

Take, for example, young Cooper, age 3, who talked up a storm when I took him to school the other day. 

Best thing he said though was about his future career goals: “I only have to go to school until I’m 17. And then, if somebody needs a dad, I can be their dad!” 

49 thoughts I have had while at the gym

Can I just say, it’s amazing how much more motivation you have when you quit a job you hate and actually want to get out of bed in the morning again.

Two days after I left that job, I was a member at a gym up the road from my house: Planet Fitness, which I refer to as the gym for people who hate going to gyms. I say that, I think, because the only mirrors in that place are in the bathroom. That’s what it takes for me to like a gym. It’s bad enough I can see what I look like when I’m running and mouth-breathing in the reflection of the TV, I don’t need a mirror too.

Anyways. I go at least 3 times a week and I’ve made some observations during my time there, which I’ll share with you in list form below in a bit of stream-of-consciousness. Read at your own risk.

1. That man is riding the stationary bike in jeans. God bless him, that can’t be comfortable.
2. I should turn the TV on, even though I’m watching Netflix on my Kindle. No need to see what I look like whilst running.
3. This is the fourth time I’ve started Couch to 5K. Maybe fourth time’s the charm?
4. I cannot come in last at the 5K Sara is doing before her wedding and I’ve committed to because then I am the lazy bridesmaid.
5. Really? 40 other treadmills open and you choose the one beside me, lady having a loud cell phone conversation while she walks?
6. Thank God for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It makes me pay absolutely no attention to how long I have been running.
7. Peeno Noir. Midsize Car. Caviar.
8. Did all the other people around me just hear me LOL at this show?
9. I want to start a fundraiser for getting these old men workout clothes. This guy’s wearing khakis!
10. Why does your stomach feel weird when you run?
11. My biggest fear is a fart while running. Also a fart during yoga, but good thing I don’t do yoga, except for that one time.
12. My workout pants are falling down while I run. New biggest fear: Showing ass at the gym.
13. Titus Andromedon is my spirit animal.
14. I need to double up on sports bras when I run.
15. I seriously fought with myself over coming today and why? I’m always glad to be working out when I’m actually here.
16. Could I fit a treadmill somewhere in my condo? Would it make the downstairs neighbors hate me?
17. I am sweating from every pore in my body right now.
18. Week 5 is not as scary as I remember it being last time.. #progress
19. *looks longingly at stair-stepper machine* One day, I will not be afraid to try you out.
20. I could do the star-stepper today.
21. Better not.
22. I’m coming for you, stair-stepper.
23. Arm machines. Let me just move the pin from where the previous user did 110 pounds….down to….30.
24. Ooh this machine makes you basically stare at someone’s stomach while they’re on the elliptical. That’s not awkward at all.
25. My boobs are smooshed by it too, cool.
26. Let’s try 40 pounds on this one.
27. This machine isn’t too bad.
28. Tomorrow my arms will be like jellyfish tentacles flailing about.
29. This leg machine looks easy enough. Let’s do like 60 pounds on this one.
30. Holy shit I broke my butt.
31. I can’t walk now.
32. Back machine – I can do 110 pounds on this one, so suck it heavy-lifters.
33. Ludacris Pandora is distracting me from counting my reps because it’s so damn good. Every. Single. Song!
34. I need to invest in workout attire with some sort of pockets.
35. Will boob sweat damage my iPhone?
36. Another arm machine that smooshes the boobs. Whyyyyyy?
37. Just realized I was singing Eminem out loud. Whoops.
38. I’ve been coming here for two months. Why are my arms still this weak?
39. I should do kickboxing.
40. I don’t have the money to do kickboxing.
41. I know nothing about kickboxing either. Do you kick and punch?
42. “I like to kick. And stretch. And kick.”
43. I have 8 SNL episodes on my DVR. Should get on that.
44. Oooh and like 4 episodes of Dateline.
45. I guess I’m done. I think? I feel good, but sweaty, but good.
46. When I have more money I’m upgrading so I can use the massage tables.
47. That’s a genius idea to have those here.
48. Sometimes I just want to sit in that chair at the entrance shaped like a hand and welcome people.
49. I need all the showers.

Sounds familiar

It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these..

For those who might be new to the party… I am in about three different group texts that I communicate in regularly, with my very best friends.

These texts aren’t from them, they’re ones that got submitted to textsfromlastnight.com, but they very easily could be from one or more of my friends.

Enjoy.

(816): I just bought myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.

(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned “I know this gets you going.” What?

(516): He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.

(281): I’m slowly getting to where I don’t hate people anymore.  (281): Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.

(978): I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can’t win ’em all

(585): There’s just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on

(203): So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later

(508): I just said “I love my cat” as a hobby.

(307): All im saying is that my face might fall off.

(425): Please don’t throw the wedding bouquet at me

(815): All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.

(423): But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.

(720): This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.

(540): Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.

(319): Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

(303): I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.

(757): Why is “Oprah of drinks” written on my arms?  (540): You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, “You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink.”

(910): It’s sad that I’m more proud of my Twitter account then my resume

(219): are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?

(860): I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon

(240): Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90’s and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!

(813): Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.

(845): If a treadmill opens up I’ll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth

(387): It’s astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know

(215): Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat

(415): I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED

(502): I mean, it’s just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can’t live up to it.

603): omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you’re singing “where are you Pizza” to the tune of “where are you christmas” too loudly

(321) YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT. 

(847): You texted me the words “butt stuff” 53 times in a four hour period last night.

(608): I’m just gonna put on a documentary and throw up

(207): I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked….

(813): This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)  (863): New phone new life!

(603): Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.

(978): i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930’s would have died from

(248): Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.

(360): All I’ve had to eat today are potatoes…and by that I mean vodka and chips

(216): Those nachos came to me in a dream

(425): I feel sorry for the person who’s phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I’m giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day

(707): So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up

(707): I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me’s hero

(519): Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.

(225): You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting

(585): I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk

(716): So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder

(575): Apparently I was telling them, “I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON’T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR,” and I pulled my hair back and puked.

(516): People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

(814): The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.