310 seconds. Give or take a few.

Last year, on my 32nd birthday, I decided to start recording a video. More specifically, I’d heard about an app through my cousin, called 1 Second Everyday. The plan was to end it on my 33rd birthday and try and get as much cool stuff in it as possible.

CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

But then…roadblock. This past week, I had finally had enough of my storage notifications popping up on my phone. I couldn’t download any new apps, podcasts, was constantly having to delete photos, just to make room for this thing.

Yes, I realize I could just have not gotten the iPhone with the least amount of storage ever, but it was the cheapest!

So my self-imposed challenge to take at least one second worth of video daily for the past year came to an end about 55 days early.

I’m still pretty proud of the effort though. That’s a lot of videos.

So here it is, for your enjoyment. And I realize it seems like I watch a lot of TV. It’s because I do.

(It’s also because that’s where I was on some of the days that I realized I hadn’t taken the daily video yet, most likely. And my mild OCD would not let me skip too many days in a row.)

Advertisements

Sounds familiar

It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these..

For those who might be new to the party… I am in about three different group texts that I communicate in regularly, with my very best friends.

These texts aren’t from them, they’re ones that got submitted to textsfromlastnight.com, but they very easily could be from one or more of my friends.

Enjoy.

(816): I just bought myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.

(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned “I know this gets you going.” What?

(516): He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.

(281): I’m slowly getting to where I don’t hate people anymore.  (281): Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.

(978): I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can’t win ’em all

(585): There’s just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on

(203): So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later

(508): I just said “I love my cat” as a hobby.

(307): All im saying is that my face might fall off.

(425): Please don’t throw the wedding bouquet at me

(815): All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.

(423): But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.

(720): This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.

(540): Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.

(319): Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

(303): I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.

(757): Why is “Oprah of drinks” written on my arms?  (540): You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, “You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink.”

(910): It’s sad that I’m more proud of my Twitter account then my resume

(219): are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?

(860): I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon

(240): Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90’s and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!

(813): Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.

(845): If a treadmill opens up I’ll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth

(387): It’s astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know

(215): Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat

(415): I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED

(502): I mean, it’s just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can’t live up to it.

603): omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you’re singing “where are you Pizza” to the tune of “where are you christmas” too loudly

(321) YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT. 

(847): You texted me the words “butt stuff” 53 times in a four hour period last night.

(608): I’m just gonna put on a documentary and throw up

(207): I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked….

(813): This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)  (863): New phone new life!

(603): Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.

(978): i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930’s would have died from

(248): Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.

(360): All I’ve had to eat today are potatoes…and by that I mean vodka and chips

(216): Those nachos came to me in a dream

(425): I feel sorry for the person who’s phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I’m giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day

(707): So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up

(707): I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me’s hero

(519): Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.

(225): You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting

(585): I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk

(716): So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder

(575): Apparently I was telling them, “I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON’T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR,” and I pulled my hair back and puked.

(516): People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

(814): The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

Closets, closets everywhere

You know that episode of Friends where Chandler finds Monica’s messy closet? She’s so annoyingly clean and organized in every other part of her life but she has this one closet in their apartment just full of crap that spills out as soon as he gets it open.

Here’s a clip if you live under a rock and have not watched one of the greatest television shows of our time and also because there’s never really a bad time to reference Friends.

I guess I kinda sorta have that. My problem is, I have multiple closets. I would also venture to say here that my car counts more in this situation because as clean as my house is, my car always looks like absolute crap – a fact which one or more of my youth group kiddos likes to remind me of/remark on each time they have to ride in it somewhere.

Every so often – usually after an episode of Hoarders, as I’ve mentioned before, but also when I start looking for something and get distracted – I’ll clean out some stuff in my place. Moving helped some, but not enough. (“I swear, I’ll probably need this someday,” she says about her notes from the Astronomy class she got a C in in college.)

Basically, my move from my apartment to a pod/my parents basement should have been a catalyst for some sort of big purge of shit I never needed in the first place or hadn’t touched since the previous move. But the beauty of a pod is – throw all that useless shit in there and you don’t have to see/think about it until you get to the new place and put it in a new closet or storage area. So…that’s what I did.

My condo is clean. And stays that way 94 percent of the time. But the closets are a different story. And it’s not even that they’re packed full and I can’t open them and stuff spills out and I throw something in and slam the door so there’s not an avalanche. There’s some semblance of organization at least. Stuff is in boxes. Or crates. Or giant rubbermaid containers. Or a purse I haven’t used since ’06.

And what bothers me is that I know it’s there. I don’t have so much that I’ll find buried treasures (at least I don’t think so, but hey, fingers crossed), but I have enough to sometimes think about it being in there in disarray and get a little stressed.

ALLLLLL of this to say, in terms of cleanness and de-cluttering in my life – my closets need work. So that’s where I’ll start for my first month of my project. Cleaning out/up my closets. (Cue Eminem..I’m sorry Mama…)

Phase 1 starts this weekend with some work on my bedroom closet, because it’s the smallest and easiest and I already basically did the entry-way closet but will have to go back after depending on how much space I create other places. And I’m going to clean out my dresser and nightstands.

Sounds riveting, eh?

The plan is to toss some clothes I haven’t worn since I moved in last May – and by toss I mean donate – and create some semblance of order in there. Not that it will stay that way, necessarily, but right now I’ve got dresses mixed in with winter clothes mixed in with T-shirts I don’t wear… And I’ll organize and clean off the shelves I’ve got in there.

I recently bought a hamper for my closet to use instead of the laundry basket I’ve had, and due to an error in ordering ended up with two – one of which now holds my shoes so I don’t have to see them on the floor. That alone has helped it look a little cleaner in there but there’s still work to be done.

I’ll post before, during and after pics next week, and keep track of any treasures I find. But the fact that I’m getting excited about the plan to clean and organize my room makes me feel like this was a good way to start my project. Ease in, as it were.

And since I’m giving myself a month, I’m going to have to get moving on the other parts of my place that need some work too.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

Sounds familiar

As I’ve said before – my Game Night Bitchezzz and I have a GroupMe thread that’s been going on basically forever and it’s the best thing to happen to all of us, ever.

The conversations that go on in there I couldn’t explain if I tried, and I love that. They range in topic by the text, just about, and I laugh out loud reading them constantly.

The texts below aren’t from the GroupMe because what happens in there stays there, but they’re close. Some of them a little TOO close. The texts below are the ones from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like my friends. I’ve shared those a few times with you at this point..

And here are the latest. Enjoy.

(+61): only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece.

(570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with “I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me”.

(515): Can’t a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?

(540): I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don’t have to leave my bed all day.

(773): please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

(403): Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally

(661): What a dumb baby whore.

(405): She’s like the pied piper of lesbians.

(717): Fuck that.  I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

(505): There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted “the pilgrims are here!” And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

(604): every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

(410): I’ve been drunk in my life. But I’ve never been “crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon” drunk

(202): there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

(920) This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won’t throw up but I might cry.

(563) I don’t want to jinx anything but I may have found the one
(262) Cat or human?
(563) Human

(813): He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

(303): My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because “I looked like I needed them.”

(267): Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?

(816): You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption “best friend”

(919): every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like “thanks happy birthday to you too”

(941): Thanks for coming over. I’m sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
(618):There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I’m at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
(972): If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

(585): PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME

(+44): This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he’s licking his headphone cords.
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(407): The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(248): After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
(305):And then my night got REAL pukey

(913):Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no

(919):I’m so hungover I can’t taste anything

(217):I get a little bitchy. We all know that
(920): Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.

(864): I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.

(201): Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?

(617): you wouldn’t let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled “BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT” and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
(508): it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10

(636): I’m the Oprah of jello shots

(972): I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.

(301): You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

(954): Cause I’ll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell “Cobra attack” and walk away

(989): I don’t want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.

A magical night

Once upon a time last week, my friends/cousins/sisters and I had a Girls Night. Originally our plan had been to watch Sharknado 2 together, because OBVIOUSLY. However, luckily for us and you, that plan got changed to the classic piece of cinema entitled “Magic Mike,” on account of the majority of the girls hadn’t seen it (travesty) and because of course girls night has to include ogling Channing Tatum.

Because I’d seen it before, and I knew that the reactions would be great, I took notes of what was said by my girls while we watched. Except for when this happened I got a bit distracted…

Oh man…

Anyways.

What follows is a word-for-word account of their viewing of the movie. Reader discretion is advised and names have been redacted to protect the filthy.

—–

Buuuuttttt!!!!!!!

I wouldn’t be mad if he slapped me.

Wait there’s nudity in this?

I hate seeing boobs in movies.

Is this rated R?

That’s why we’re watching this. I heard the plot was really interesting.

What’s happeninggggg….

This guys a terrible actor. (Alex Pettyfer)

He has a baby and he’s married. (Channing Tatum)

They met on Step Up.

What just happened?

I’m so uncomfortable.

Are you serious?

I can’t decide if this is hot or not.

Whoa.

That guy is from CSI Miami.

Whoa holy shit.

Isn’t that illegal?

Oh my god this plot is so predictable.
You don’t watch it for the plot.

In his hoodie? That’s not nice.

What if he doesn’t have a good body?

This isn’t cute.

This is what sex is really like. Shameful and embarrassing.

Did he just rub his nipple?

This is weird.

He stole their money.

Ohhhhh

You’re gonna regret this. What is she doing?

That isn’t anyone’s 21st birthday. You black out.

Is he throwing her into the ocean?

If all your friends jumped off a bridge…

Is your phone in your pocket? How are you gonna get out of there?

Oh my God you guys it’s a movie. And it’s about strippers. Shut up.

Are you a nurse? No I just wear this fucking outfit every day. What if she’d said that?

Thousands of women? More like 30. 37?

This is making me not like Matthew McConaughey as much.

Why does he have that on his head?

Why is he so good at moving his hips?

I have those shorts.

Oh I think they’re having butt sex.

Are you guys cuddling like you’re watching a scary movie?

Did he stick it?

Ooh it’s an elephant.

I love elephants.

Wait there’s a store just for this? It’s called Cirillas.

What if he needs to wipe multiple times?

This is the best stripper song ever. (Save a Horse[Ride a Cowboy])

He invited his sister? Why did she come? You gotta support your family.

She looks like she just got her wisdom teeth pulled.

You can’t throw your pants. Then what do you have?

This is so hot. I watched this like five times on YouTube one day.

He’s really good at dancing.

He’s amazing.

The fuuuuuck…..

How does he keep his hat on?

Oh. My God.

Ew.

I’m confused. They throw their clothes but do they get them back? Or do they buy new clothes every night?

Did he just take her shirt off?

Wait you cannot do that. That’s not allowed. That’s invasive.

He slapped her. With his penis.

It’s like Cosmo. They said do it like a penis pendulum.

He looks black right there so he looks really hot

He rubbed that shirt in his pants and threw it. I don’t think I would want that. I would.

He has knee pads on.

Is that Marie?!?!? (From Breaking Bad)

Ugh he is sexy in those grandpa glasses.

She is not cute. Why didn’t they get a cuter girl?

I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with her jaw. I think she might be a slut? Or a man.

They’re going to a sandbar that’s fun.

With kegs.

Oh she’s skinny as shit.

Where’s her ass crack?

That’s the girl that was in the threesome. Not everyone wants to be touched by her.

Her legs are 70 percent of her body.

[[[[[10 minute inappropriate convo]]]]]

Hey what does Mike have to say?

I love America.

Army men? Holy shit.

His pants are ripped. They’re s’posed to be. Cause of this.

Are they just hugging? What’s happening? He’s sad about it.

They’re so creative.

This is so fun.

All the girls that come to this club are hot. That’s convenient.

Emily’s like the Matthew McConaughey of this group. Stop kissing people.

He just wants to build furniture. And have threesomes. Like a normal person.

Guys. He’s supposed to be my age.

Stop calling her. Why don’t you just text her? He’s a gentleman.

I’m so confused by what just happened.

Wait who took drugs?

When did drugs become a part of the plot?

Sami explains drug part

Wait I thought he was like ‘Do you wanna get a place together?’

I didn’t see anyone doing drugs.

Real movie drugs get snorted.

You gonna shave your armpits? Her armpits look fine! That’s mean!

This is why you guys missed the drugs. Cause you’re talking.

Omg she’s pregnant? Who is pregnant? Shut uppppp.

Do you have duct tape?

Ugh see look how short her torso is.

Where’s her butt?

It’s cute they’re flirting he’s a stripper.

This is a sorority house — boys can just be in the basement.

Who called them to the sorority?

They have nice shoes.

The windows are open.

Those guys would not still be there.

Naked fighting!

Where’d they find clothes? They should always have backups in the truck.

I thought they were friends. Why are they fighting? Drugs comes between everybody.

They’re not selling drugs oh my Goddd.

Does he have a corset on?

I don’t understand why they throw money at them?

Why is there a music video happening?

I thought this was a harmless innocent movie about male strippers he was supposed to get equity.

They’re sweaty cause those drugs make you sweat.

The cameras aren’t slower. The people are.

That is a lot of skin to grab. That looked painful.

Glitzy!

Is Glitzy eating his vomit?

She is such a bad actress. She’s awful.

Oh someone passed out and puked. That’s never happened. Let’s freak the fuck out about it.

He’s all messed up. He was wearing a shirt on the beach.

He did it for the ugly girl. That’s real love.

That was genius screenwriting.

I would punch him in the face.

I hate this person.

Where’s Glitzy?

There’s always gotta be a host for the strippers.

Whyyyy those are expensive? (broken guitar)

He has real butt cheeks.

Do we like his butt? I didn’t look that closely.

Is that a double?
If I know Matthew McConaughey, then no.

‘Everyone praise my dick’ This is idolatry.

Wait wait wait someone just picked money up off the stage and threw it at him. That has to be against the rules.

How do they pick up all that money?

Stop hugging! You’re sweaty.

There’s so much hugging.

What are you doing here? With your vest on?

No, Mike look at her hair, no.

They’re gonna do it.

That was it really? That’s the end?

He just quit stripping?

‘Tis the season…for photo booths

There are few things more fun than a photo booth. It’s pretty much par for the course for a wedding reception to have one anymore… so being that I am trying to become more of a professional photographer that does weddings and such, I thought I should try to start getting in on it.

Plus, I just love photo booths. That’s all that is on my refrigerator right now – photo booth strips. It’s a sickness.

Earlier this spring, I was looking for things to add to my Amazon wish list (because addicted. Also poor.) and happened upon a really great deal on photography stuff. So I ordered a backpack (that was then stolen in Boston, but more on that later) and some filters and other cool stuff. The most important part of that purchase? A remote.

The first time we tried a photo booth with my camera it was at the Murder Mystery Party for New Years. It worked pretty well, but to take the picture you had to keep going over and pushing the timer on it and running back into place. No bueno. Remote solved all that.

So you better believe, that starting with the first of the several parties we were attending, I was going to test it out.

Well, correction, we tested out the props first.

And then, the day we had both Liz’s wedding shower and bachelorette party – the photo booth became very important because we used it at both.

I’m thinking it was a hit..

And some self-promotion real quick… hosting an event and looking for a photo booth? I’m your girl!

Best laid plans and whatnot

I had these plans, you see. I wanted to take some time and have a regular stream of stuff written for this blog (for this month, especially), because in a little over a week, it turns five. Yes. An inanimate object, a bunch of words and photos and files I put together turns five years old March 30. 

May not mean a lot to you, but for someone who doesn’t know who she is if she can’t write, that’s a big deal. That’s a commitment. That it has kept going – kept me going – and people have read and laughed and cried and loved along with me, well, that’s really important.

So to celebrate I wanted to have post after post ready to go, to tell you all sorts of things and show you some great pictures and keep up some of these features I do that have become a habit on here.

All of this may sound trivial, but it’s not, to me. I need to write. I need it like I need water or air. I need that creative outlet and that place to put down all of the thoughts and feelings and stories I have when I can’t – or don’t want to – say them out loud.

That said, these past two weeks have dealt two major blows in my life – last week, actually. This week, I’m still reeling. Letting things sink in.

There are things I want to write about – I need to write about. They’re serious things. Important things. But I’m not ready, yet. I can’t, yet. I want to keep distracting myself with other things, share my pictures from my recent trip to Boston and NYC, where my sisters and I collectively celebrated our birthdays and were able to be together after our hearts had been hurt so badly last week.

I can’t wait to tell you about those trips. I can’t wait to tell you about two very important parts of my life that I’ve had to deal with losing  in the past week and am still just starting to process. I can’t wait to celebrate having kept this sort-of time capsule-y thing, this look into my mind and heart and life for the past five years.

Soon. Very soon. 

Cubicle Neighbor Chronicles Part IV

Editor’s note: This post was not written by the author of this blog. The author of this post has asked to remain anonymous on account of he/she does not want to lose his/her job.

In the past I regularly shared stories with Laura about my infamous “cubicle neighbor.”
(Part I, II and III)
She was an older lady who drove me crazy by having loud phone conversations with her annoying teenage children, using the phone book to find people’s phone numbers, and asking me how to make labels using a TYPEWRITER when she had a computer at her desk.

Now I have a new job and instead of sending Laura stories of cubicle neighbor, I send her stories of cubicle mate. Cubicle mate and I have no wall between us which I was worried about when I first started this job, but have since grown to love. Cubicle mate is the opposite of cubicle neighbor. She is in her mid twenties, leads a very entertaining life which she likes to tell me stories about from time to time, and would probably slap someone if she saw them using a phone book instead of Google.

Here are some of my favorite things she has shared with me. And anything in quotes is, believe it or not, a direct quote from cubicle mate. I can’t make this stuff up.

“I really want to go on a reality TV show to win the prize money so I can quit my job and work on writing a script for a sitcom every day.”

“My niece was born! Here are some pictures. This is our new relationship now by the way. I show you pictures of her and you tell me how cute she is.”

Playing techno music kind of loud on her computer: “This is what my Serbian cousins blare in the cars while they drive around with their windows down.”

Talking about our awkward/ugly phases as kids: “My awkward stage was from like…. age 0 through 20.”

“All the creepiest guys are the ones who ask me out. One time the anesthesiologist from my COLONOSCOPY asked for my number when I was still all drugged up so I gave it to him by accident.”

“I’m going to get everyone in the Christmas spirit.” *starts blasting Kenny G’s rendition of “Little Drummer Boy” from her computer.

“I want a job where I can walk around all day. Maybe I should be a mailman. Actually no. I would only want that job if I lived in Hawaii.” 5 minutes later I look over at her desk and see her looking at pictures of Hawaii on her laptop.

Cubicle Mate: “I have this ‘World’s Best Employee’ trophy that I bought for myself.” *pulls trophy out from desk drawer and shows me
Me: “You should put it out on your desk.”
Cubicle Mate: “Yes! Then it will make people think someone actually gave it to me and anytime they think ‘***** is a bad employee’ they’ll see this trophy and rethink.”
(Trophy has been out on her desk ever since.)

There is never a dull moment with her.