I wasn’t really joking about thawing out

Former president, vampire hunter, alleged depression sufferer, non-namesake of Ashley’s baby and bearded wonder Abraham Lincoln once said “Most of us are just about as happy as we make up our minds to be.”

Suffice it to say, it’s been a long winter. So long in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s still going, even though legally on the calendar its technically already Spring. Pshaw.

And with winter, comes SAD. And if you don’t believe that’s a thing, Seasonal Affective Disorder, I defy you to tell me this weather hanging on for a ridiculously long amount of time hasn’t effected you in some way.

I’m not saying I have that disorder, so don’t go all eye-rolly and think “Oh here comes the hypochondria again.” But a part of it – luckily for me a small part of it – plays a part when you have regular ol’ run-of-the-mill depression. And it sucks ass.

You may have noticed a severe lack in posting since oh, whenever you noticed it? Yeah. About that…

I tend to take accidental breaks from blogging a lot. Usually something – or twenty – comes up and I have literally no time to do much of anything else, especially work on a computer when it’s not related to my job.

This last one? It wasn’t really accidental. I’ve stared at my computer many a time in these last several weeks and wanted to write. But the words wouldn’t come. The motivation wouldn’t come. I couldn’t do it. So I didn’t. I didn’t force myself.

I’ve mentioned before how I tend to get in these “funks,” where I don’t know why I’m bothered but I am. Everything feels heavy, too much to deal with. I don’t wanna talk, I don’t wanna text, I don’t wanna write – the one thing I need the most to deal with this disease I have in my brain.

It’s been mostly just “meh” before. But this time it was different.

You know those commercials for antidepressants where they talk about how “hello hurts,” etc.? They’re not joking. Or over-exaggerating. That’s really a thing. Everything hurts. For no good reason.

I didn’t write about the Polar Plunge until a few weeks later. I had that post written in my head about 10 seconds after I got out of the Ohio. But the effort it took to put that on the blog? Too much.

I had about 10 post ideas stockpiled and ready to go. I had plans for the week my blog turned four years old. But I couldn’t make myself write. I had the time..I just didn’t have the desire. And I hate that.

Yeah I wear my heart on my sleeve but you’d be surprised how much you don’t know about how I’m feeling sometimes. And this time, I couldn’t hide it, though I was trying. People noticed something was off. People that I never in a million years would have expected to. And when they asked me what the deal was? I didn’t have an answer.

Did you know that you don’t have to have an answer for everything? Ever? Hell of a concept.

Sometimes you just feel like shit. Sometimes you just can’t escape that dark cloud hanging over your head, no matter how much you want to. Sometimes you have to wait it out.

And I did. And it got better.

I feel about 40 times better than I did, say, a month ago. I made it through. And I’m grateful. It never got scary-bad. But I was down. And unfortunately there are some who are still in that place. Who go farther down the rabbit-hole and can’t get out alone.

That quote from the beginning of this post? I re-tweeted it today because a while ago I made the decision to be happy, despite whatever other drama there was, despite the fact that I have a chemical imbalance that does all it can to prevent that from happening most of the time.

This is not to say the low points won’t ever happen again. Obviously that’s impossible. And obviously I’m not a robot. But 100 percent of the time I am CHOOSING to be happy. It’s just sometimes my brain has other plans.

So yeah, I’m ready for Spring.


The sun’ll come out, tomorrow…

Actually, maybe it won’t. I don’t really remember what the sun looks like these days because every time I look outside, OH THERE’S SNOW. What? The snow melted completely? WELL HERE’S SOME MORE. Seriously, it seems like it has never been warm outside and it never will be again.

Also, a lady sang this song last night at the American Idol-ish contest I was a judge for. Wasn’t great. I may not do this professionally, but I do know this – song choice is everything. And it’s really safe to pick a song like that that you basically just kind of shout, which the woman did, all the while sticking her arms up in the air and staring only at the ceiling.

So besides hating the weather and wondering when I’ll ever be able to feel my toes or fingers again, I’ve been busy. I’m currently in the middle of about six different projects/plans at the moment in addition to my regular 45-hour-a-week job. One of those projects, as you already know, is buying a car, which I wish I could just hurry up and get over with already so my eye would stop twitching – or maybe that’s from the Starbucks Cafe Mochas that I’ve been using to keep me awake because I’ve been SO FREAKING TIRED LATELY. I blame the weather. DID I MENTION I HATE THE WEATHER?

Anyways. There’s a lot going on these days and I feel like I need a clone sometimes, or at the very least, a personal assistant. The assistant isn’t for keeping me organized – I’m good at that, just look at my planner – but for driving me places so I can nap for a few minutes on the way. Or for doing my laundry, because that’s one more thing I need to do because I get my stuff out of the dryer and don’t get to putting it away for a couple days because there are more important things to do – and did I mention there are Olympics I need to watch?

So tonight, in the few minutes break from the craziness of this week, and last week, and next week and OH CRAP I NEED TO MOVE MY LAUNDRY TO THE DRYER, I started looking through my pictures. And luckily, I found some from my trip to Myrtle Beach last summer.

Myrtle Beach is one of my favorite places in the world, second only to Jamaica, and I was lucky enough to visit both last summer over a two-week span. I got some great pictures and as I sat here remembering that I need to go put some socks on because it’s cold in this apartment, I also remembered that it was warm once and eventually, it’ll be warm again.

I think.

25 Things I Love About Christmas time

It’s December! And for some reason this year I am really, really excited for Christmas.

I mean, I always love this time of year..it’s my favorite, except for the ridiculously cold weather, but this year, I dunno. I can’t wait to spend time with family, go to Christmas parties – even hosting my own (with the roommate) this year – listen to Christmas music and watch all the holiday classics.

So, for the next 25 days, until the big day, I’m going to count down all the things that I think makes this “the most wonderful time of the year.”

Enjoy, and please comment with your own favorite things about the holidays as I share mine with you. And I hope you’re all as excited for Christmas as I am! 🙂

Just when you thought we were done with EXTREME weather…

Dear Mother Nature,

Are you mad at us? Did we do something to upset you? I know we have this going for us, but at least we’re not the absolute worst.

Or is it something else? It has to be something pretty bad to deserve three pretty horrible bouts of EXTREMECRAZYANNOYINGHORRIBLERANDOM weather freak-outs in the past two years.

First, the wind storm. Really? A hurricane in Kentucky? How does that happen? Then, the ice storm. It came out of nowhere. Now – a freaking FLOOD.

At least give us some warning. Yeah we knew the wind was blowing. Yeah we knew it was snowing. Yeah we knew it was supposed to rain. But holy crap. I need time! I need to get flashlights, perishables, coffee so my dad doesn’t get pissed that I don’t have it if my family has to camp out at my one-bedroom apartment for a few days ever again – which reminds me, I need an air mattress and maybe another couch or a futon. Oh, and a freaking umbrella. I had an umbrella that broke like, a month ago, and haven’t bought another one. Smart, huh? I have cute Target rain boots, so that’s cool…

If there’s a storm I need to be prepared for guests, for not leaving the house, for having to read or survive by candlelight when the power goes out or when I’m hiding in my closet because that wind is SO FREAKING LOUD!

I’ve known forever that Kentucky weather changes by the minute, but now I’m nervous. I mean, we had an EARTHQUAKE last year. What’s next? Volcano? At this point I wouldn’t be surprised.

Anyway, for the next year – or SEVERAL – can we please get a break from it seeming like it’s THE END OF THE WORLD?

Oh, and thanks for the beaches. And Jamaica.