I’ve been saving this up for a while, so I would have a special present to give you all to read during lil’ blog’s birthday week. You can thank me later.
We’re at number 5. Or the FIF. See, Chappelle knows what I’m talkin’ about.
For the fifth time – ’cause here’s one, two, three and four – I’ve compiled all the texts from TFLN that sound like my friends. And there are some great ones.
Get ready to live.
(206) A homeless man downtown was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. Kind of wanted to give him my life savings.
(410) I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed…and my facebook status was “pepperonis.”
(504) I’m buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO’S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
(605) For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O’Donnell, don’t tell them they look like Rosie O’Donnell.
(732) I just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
(919) Apparently I signed “I love you” on my bar tab last night.
(516) There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face.
(609) He looks like Spence from the game Dreamphone.
(609) I’M SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
(1-609) I don’t want it.
(972) **i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUtee tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
(724) This chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
(859) I didn’t know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
(613) Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
(330) It’s just like the Real World with babies.
(512) I want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I’m to the anger phase.
(303) I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window
(224) I won’t be hard to find. I’m wearing a Darth Vader mask and I have a megaphone.
(214) New beer pong partner names “Bus Boys” …we clear tables
(703) i like how the only thing you spelled correctly is “i’m tequila”
(484) you know what i hate about salt? you can’t see it.
(603) i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol.
(859) IF CHARLIE SHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSIONAL
(217) wine + wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke
(269) today as a vday present for myself i am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
(214) I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse.
(989) I can’t believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
(804) so I just shotgunned a water balloon.
(260) you called me and cried until I agreed to record a rap about our lives with you.
(416) you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
(609) you kept searching pizza on Facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it.
(917) i just saw how many times I called you last night. you’re welcome.
(919) we took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
(510) and then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn’t get you cheese fries.
(407) he had on Juicy sweatpants and that’s when I knew he was no longer a threat.
(904):I’ve been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for “Everybody”. That’s unsettling.
(1-904):It’s unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
(917): And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
(708) For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night…
(413) you know it’s time to start studying when you’ve procrastinated to the point where you’re reading your roommate’s ex-boyfriend’s wall posts from 2006.
(571) found POGS while i was cleaning my room this morning. definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
(607) i just found a half-inch of mimosa in my shoe.
(1-864) you should get more absorbent shoes.
(250) tequila makes me forget i have legs.
(215) i think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket.
(973) you know that saying beer than liquor makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up a lot, everywhere.
(614) there is a man walking two goats through the city.
(614) bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
(908) my sombrero is too big for the bathroom.
(813) Haha Tomato, tomato. That doesn’t work very well via text message.
(860) do you ever Facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
(312): The maid of honor just puked.
(973) I climb out of my sunroof. I mean, it’s kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja-like.
(641) TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
(262) there are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
(1-262) That’s funny. Are they weird-looking?
(262) OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING. THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
(508) this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums…i feel like i’m living in jumanji
(908) there’s a girl in the library on myspace. she must have missed the memo.
(817) matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can’t take this kid anywhere.
(561) George Bush was a better president for first pitches than Barack Obama. There. I said it.
(520) The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
(845) She looks like she scalped a horse for her weave.
(856) I was looking up hair salons in ithaca for the wedding and one is a hair salon/sake bar. you can have sake or champagne while you get your hair done.
(917) question, how would one sake bomb while getting hair done without getting a horrible haircut?
(906) i seriously wish i was FB friends with her
(630) would the plural word for douche be deese? “Look at these deese bags”?
(502) green mimosas, i think yes.
(618) was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
(804) we need to drink more beer. the fridge won’t close.
(812) gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
(219) i need you to use more vowels.
(410) she should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie…terrible.
(909): My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
(980) I’m making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
(704) oh, you finally did the dishes then?
(980) No, bought new ones.
(225) you don’t know how to answer ppls texts anymore?
(504) i’m sorry, i don’t get text messages.
(714) there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
(573) I asked you how much you drank and you replied with “I don’t know what kind of toothpaste I use.
(646) your horoscope this morning…very interesting…good luck today.
(636) tequila makes her clothes fall off.
(512) wow mom, sounds like you’re having a good time.
(575) I permit you to call me.
(603): i’m sober ask me anything about the civil war
(315): There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
(248): if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Sounds like….Liz…or Ash…
(717): reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.