#tbt: Tales of a third-grade Laura

As it pretty much does now, my third-grade happiness revolved around good television.

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You need to watch Breaking Bad

You might have heard this a lot already. Hell, there’s a pretty good chance you heard it from me. Especially recently.

You need to watch Breaking Bad.

It’s the best show ever. You can binge watch ’cause the series finale just happened. Also, I never steer people wrong when it comes to television.

Seriously. I’ve gotten people hooked on Lost, How I Met Your Mother, Justified, Dexter, Arrested Development.. and Breaking Bad.

Case in point, my sister, Rachel, and brother-in-law, Chuckie.

They watched the first four seasons pretty fast and the first half of season five. They were a tiny bit behind the live episodes but managed to stay away from spoilers and ended up watching the series finale just a couple weeks after it actually aired.

My sister decided after the first season was finished she’d send me her thoughts. That turned into a habit after each one was done.

And I’m so glad she did it. Her commentary was not only hilarious, it was spot-on. It was exactly what I (and several other people I’m sure) thought while they were watching. And if you DON’T ever wanna watch it, read her commentary. It’ll tell you all you need to.

Sami is catching up right now too and every once in a while I get texts with her feelings on the characters. I love it. I’m so glad they listened to their incredibly intelligent big sister with wonderful taste in television and checked it out.

Now. SAMI – and anyone else who is considering watching or is in the middle of watching – stop right here.

MASSIVE SPOILERS BELOW
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You people I was talking to a minute ago. Better not still be reading. This is your last chance to move on to another page. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Here we go.

Breaking Bad, season by season, by Rachel Cummings.

SEASON ONE
We finished season 1 last night. Here are my thoughts. 

I love that Jesse calls Walter “Mr. White.”

I love Walt’s bald head. He looks like a BAMF.

Walt’s wife is so annoying.

Her sister is even more annoying.

Drugs are disgusting especially meth.

If a body dissolved in my bathtub and fell through to the 1st floor and I had to clean up guts, I woulda just burnt the house down “accidentally.” No way in hell I’d clean up someone’s guts and blood. Nope.

Jesse’s little brother is a punk.

When Walter threw that fake meth down in Tuco’s office….. OMG. BAMF. That was the moment Chuckie decided he liked the show and wanted to watch more.

I hate that Hugo got pegged for stealing the meth equipment. He was so nice! Cleaning up Mr. White’s chemo puke! 

What does Walter’s wife do? She makes them a full breakfast EVERY MORNING. I don’t even get out of bed if Chuckie has to be somewhere before me much less make a full sit down breakfast. Damn.

Ok that’s all for now. I’ll let you know my thoughts on season 2 once we’ve watched it. I love that I have absolutely no idea what’s going to happen. I have avoided reading anything about the show, the finale, etc. So I literally have no clue where this show is going. And I love that. 

Exciting!!!!

SEASON TWO
Ok. OMG.

-Tuco freaks me outtttttt!!!!!! Glad he’s dead and I soooo thought
hank was going to catch Walt there and shit was gonna hit the fan.

-wife: still annoying as ever and forever pregnant.

-I want that little redhead kid in the crackheads house! He was so
cute and I felt so sad for him!

– the landlord girlfriend girl was on Gilmore girls in the last
season(s?) and I hated her in that show and I hate her in this one
too. Annoying.

– what the heck is saul and all this bullshit? Walt is getting way too
deep and way too many people know his secret. Dexter never woulda
slipped up like that in his earlier days at least… But come on
man…

– Jesse is a cutie.

– the whole walts wife and her old boss storyline freaked me out and
when she sang happy birthday to him I felt uncomfortable. So did
Chuckie. We wanted it to stop. I can’t believe she did that and
especially in front of all those people and then he’s at the birth of
their baby and walts not wtf? Not cool ted.

– soooooo pissed when that ho gets Jesse hooked on heroin and then
tries to take his money!? Not glad she died but dang. She had to go.

– I knew skyler would freakin put all the pieces together after Walt
said “which one?” Talkin about his cell phones. Oh man. My heart beat
so fast when he said that. She dug DEEP. Then tells him she knows
everything except what he did. Then he’s killed people and now left
with no family and no cancer and thousands of dollars he can’t spend.
Great.

– wtf is up with that plane crash?
Totally thought walts Fam was in those body bags and so relieved they
weren’t. I love Walter jr aka Flynn

SEASON THREE
Oh. My. God. 

Thoughts:

-I hate Skyler more than ever. She’s sleeping with her boss just so she can tell Walt and piss him off. That doesnt work but she KEEPS sleeping with him for whatever reason, he ends up actually liking her and wanting a relationship, and she of course ruins that too and tells him to go away when he comes over to check on Hank. THIS WOMAN IS THE WORST.

– Those speechless mexican brothers are probably the scariest villains ever to be on tv, maybe besides the Trinity killer from Dexter. 

– HANK IS A BAMF. HE STRAIGHT MESSED UP THOSE TWO MEXICAN BROTHERS RIGHT BEFORE HE WAS BOUT TO GET AXED. He’s my hero.

– I kind of love the Gus character. He’s so normal and not suspicious at all on the outside. Just a chicken restaurant guy. But secretly one of the biggest and baddest drug lords ever. He’s so chill. 

– JESSE. So glad he stopped doing drugs but then he started again! Ughhhhh. My favorite JEsse scene the whole season was when he was alone in the lab waiting for Walt and he fills his yellow suit up with air and is jumping around. Omg hilarious. I cried. 

– I think Walt and Jesse have the best love/hate relationship ever on TV or in a movie. They seriously love each other so much but also hate each other more than anyone else at the same time. Neither of them want to associate with the other one but they NEED each other. And deep down they secretly care about each other too but man do they hate each other. lol. I love it.

– I cried when Walt said he wished he had died before Jane died.

– The last 2 episodes of the season were INSANE.

– I’m sad that kid got killed.

– I can’t believe Walt ran over those guys and shot the one in the head. He’s gone rogue!

– Gale. RIP. 😦

– Walt is smart. Can’t wait to see how Gus reacts.

– Of course Skyler wants to get all up in Walt’s business and launder his money for him even though she tried to divorce him over all this shit but then she saw that bag full o money and ever since then she’s been all about it. Bitch. Why do I have a feeling she’s going to ruin something?

The end. Season 4- GO!

SEASON FOUR
– I will never look at a box cutter the same way again.

– when the 1st episode ended Chuckie said “hey. remember when they liquidated that guy?” and then he laughed. I don’t know what disturbed me more- watching that scene or hearing chuckie refer to that guy as “liquidated.” ew.

– Battle of who has the worst new haircut: Jesse v. Skyler. And the winner (more like loser) is… both of them! I am not cool with Jesse’s shaved head look, mostly ’cause I want Walt to be the only BA with a bald head and I liked Jesse’s constant “just rolled out of bed” hairstyle. Skyler’s haircut sucks mainly just cause she sucks.

– Marie is super weird and what’s with all the purple stuff?

– Jesse’s teeth are waaaaay too nice for a methhead. They’re like, super white. They could have at least made them a little yellow or something. 

– Flynn is the smartest character on the show. He knows how to work people.

– Poor Holly. Always and forever sittin’ in that carseat, taking care of herself because seriously NO ONE ELSE IS.

– “I AM THE DANGER.” Maybe my favorite line in a TV show EVER. 

– Chuckie and I are adding “yo” to the end of everything we say now. “Pass me the chips, yo.” “Make me a chocolate milk, yo.” “Stop stealing the covers, yo.”

– I love the show’s attention to details (besides Jesse’s white teeth which I will forgive them for…) Skyler’s car has some dents in it, their houses all have clutter like normal people’s houses… Most tv shows, even if the people are supposed to be middle class, they have the nicest houses and cars somehow. I like that BB keeps it real.
 
– I can’t believe Gus took out the whole cartel like that. Whoa. He has no shame.
 
– Walt laying in that crawl space laughing like the joker was probably one of thre freakiest scenes ever.
 
– OMG when Ted tries to run away and then falls… I laughed so hard I was crying. Chuckie was laughing at me and said it was just like watching Americas funniest home videos with me hahaha. But then I felt bad later when I found out he actually got hurt.
 
– I want Hank to be a hero.
 
– Gus straightening his tie with half a face before he drops was pretty much the perfect exit for his character.
 
– I felt so happy about Brock living and about Jesse and Walt being friends again alllllll the way up until the last second of the season when I saw that plant on Walt’s table. OH. MY GOD. I hope Jesse never finds out but at the same time, at this point I’m kinda hoping he does and hope he kills Walt. No I take that back. No I don’t know. I’m so conflicted.

FINAL SEASON

SO MANY FEELS AHHHHHHHH
 
Ok, I took notes about the season as it went along because so much was happening, so these are the things I thought as it went and you will see how they changed, obvi. Here it goes:
 
– Landry from Friday Night Lights is the red haired bug tent guy! Yay! We love Landry! (And we continued to refer to him as Landry the entire season.)
 
– Walt is a big jerk. He’s totally desensitized.
 
– Jessie is such a softie for kids. 
 
– I can never tell if Walt is crying for real or faking. He’s too good at lying and I don’t appreciate it.
 
– Walt is so manipulative and twists everything to get what he wants. It’s not even right.
 
– WE HATE LANDRY NOW. THAT LITTLE KID DIDN’T DO ANYTHING TO YOU.
 
– MIIIIIIKE. 😦
 
– OMG when Hank found that book in Walt’s bathroom…. I shrieked with joy. Hank is finally going to get him! Yesssssss
 
– I love that Hank and Jesse teamed up and that Marie is making him coffee.  I actually have grown to like Marie a lot. She’s moved her way up from least liked characters to most liked characters.
 
– SO MUCH ANXIETY IN THE DESERT
 
– HAAAAAAAAAAAANK!!!!! And Gomey!!! But HAAAAAAAAAANK. This show officially sucks. We are pissed.
 
– When Walt tells Jesse he watched Jane die… He really is the devil. I hated him a lot but at this point, he is at the bottom of my favorite characters list. I actually like Skyler now more than Walt. How did this happen.
 
– Jesse has been manipulated by Walt more than anyone else on the show and he’s basically the last one to figure it out. I hate this for him. He never asked for any of this. He was perfectly content doing some meth and chillin until Mr. White showed up. (I love that Jesse calls him Mr. White the entire series.) 
 
– Jesse’s gf. 😦 WTF Breaking Bad. TOO FAR.
 
– Walt’s hat reminds me of the hat from that Johnny Depp movie Secret Window. He’s like a different person when he wears it. “You stole mah story” lol
 
– Lydia’s sunglasses are dumb.
 
– I’m glad he FINALLY admitted what we’ve all known all along- that he did NONE of this for the family, he did it for himself. It was clear from the beginning he had issues with that Grey Matter company and the life he missed out on and thought he deserved the life Elliott and Gretchen had. He’s all about entitlement and credit. He wants credit where credit’s due. It’s sad.
 
– I hate Walt so much but have to give him credit on that crazy gun contraption he put together. And he saved Jesse! He redeemed himself slightly but still no. You still screwed up his entire life and even though he’s alive he’ll never be happy.  So good job.
 
– Overall we are satisfied with the ending but still really sad. This show has been giving us bad dreams for days and we’re still really mad about Hank. I don’t think we’ll ever get over that. And I’m sad for Jesse’s life because I don’t think it’ll ever be good.
 
 
So I think this is probably one of the most well written shows I’ve ever seen. When I think about the series as a whole, it seems more like a really long play and not like a TV show. The character development, the themes, the symbolism in everything… It’s so much like a good play. And also 99% of plays have tragic characters with tragic endings so… yeah.  This fits. But really. I don’t think any other show’s writing or story has ever been this good. Or at least not any show I’ve watched.
 
I can’t believe they made Walt such a likable guy to start off and then over 5 seasons make him into the devil and make us hate him. Definitely did not see that coming. This whole series could have been avoided if he’d just set his pride on the backburner and took the job and/or money from Elliott and Gretchen for his chemo in the first place. Ugh.
 
Flynn is my favorite character of the whole series. I love the innocence he brought to the story. He is the best and probably the only character that didn’t do something awful the entire series.
 
This show elicited a lot of capslocks from me.  (I had to look up how to spell elicited. I thought it was spelled illicited. Whoops.)
 
Now Chuckie and I get our life outside of the TV back and we enter our time of recovery. I think it may take awhile. This show messed us up. We love it and hate it all at the same time. Us and the show = Walt and Jesse.

Everything I know I learned from television

Once upon a time – at my previous job – there was talk of sending a reporter to spend the night in jail to write about the experience. It never ended up happening, but I like to think I’d have done just fine if I’d been chosen. (I had a 50/50 chance as there were only two reporters there).

In fact, not long ago, a couple of my co-workers and I were talking about Orange Is The New Black** and they told me that they both were confident I’d survive just fine in jail/prison (there are differences, people).

**If you have not watched this show, you need to. First of all, it’s awesome. Second of all, I never steer people wrong when it comes to TV show recommendations. Third of all, the whole first season is on Netflix so you can binge-watch in four days like I did.

Between OITNB and repeated viewings of Locked Up/Locked Up:Raw /Locked Up:Extended Stay /Locked Up:Abroad, a few episodes of Oz, lots of Law & Orders and those three times I watched Brokedown Palace, I feel like I’m sufficiently prepared, should I ever decide to take up a life of crime and, well, not be great at it.

Seriously. I’ve made a list of the qualifications that would make me a good prisoner (at least in terms of taking care of myself). And because I got them hooked on Orange too, I made my sisters and Mom make lists as well. Who would last long? Probably none of us, if we’re being real honest. But here we plead our case.

Me:
I would survive prison because:
1) I am tougher than I look. Like, when we were younger (and sometimes it still happens, lets be honest), my sisters have to be reminded not to hit or pinch or hurt me because I will retaliate and mine always hurt worse.
2) I am a people-pleaser. I will at least be agreeable to someone’s face. Don’t like having anyone mad at me. And I am good at sharing…comes with being the oldest. You want my lunch? Sure you can have it.
3) Due to my repeated viewings of these shows about incarceration, I have learned how to be resourceful. I can most likely make shoes, a shank and some pretty disgusting hooch if called upon to do so.
4) Since I not only watch(ed) shows about the wrong side of the law but the right/other side as well (See: Justified, Law & Order again, COPS, Dexter, Breaking Bad, The Wire), I can help my fellow prisoners work on their case/appeals. Kind of like Andy in Shawshank. And even if I can’t, I know a lot of legalese/Latin that would make it sound like I knew what I was talking about. “Objection!” “Habeus Corpus” “If it pleases the court..”
5) I’m a damn good snuggler.

Rachel:
Reasons I wouldn’t survive prison:
1) I’m really weak so I’d probably lose any fight I got into.
2) My nose is really sensitive and I imagine there’s some funky smells in prison
3) I don’t like being told when I can and can’t eat.
4) I’d spend all my money on snacks instead of necessities to barter with
5) They don’t serve donuts in prison.

Sami:
Yeah I’d make it because:
a) I’m a people pleaser, I wouldn’t piss people off
b) I’m resourceful
c) I don’t take shit from people
d) im short, I’ll go unnoticed
e) I ain’t no snitch

Mom:
I wouldn’t survive because:
1) jail is too dirty.
2) I don’t like the shower situation
3) Probably wouldn’t be able to defend myself.
4) Not good at hiding my emotions, so that would probably get me in trouble.
5) rats.

Gold Medal in Spectating

You guys, I am so obsessed with the Olympics. I’m watching it as I write this, like I have been, with any second of free time I have except for from 10-11 on Sunday nights because that’s when Breaking Bad is on and I need to know how much crazier Walter White’s gonna get.

I live-tweeted the Opening Ceremonies. I’ve been tweeting at least twice about every event I watch. I have seen volleyball, archery, badminton, tennis, basketball, soccer, track, rowing, whitewater kayaking, cycling, fencing, gymnastics and swimming.

OMG swimming.

If Olympic swimming was on year-round, I’d have to quit my job. I wouldn’t be able to focus. I barely can focus now as it is. I had to change the channel.

I want to take Andrea Kramer’s job, not just because she gets to talk to the swimmers as soon as they get out of the pool, but because she is the worst, dumbest interviewer I have seen in my life. And she doesn’t try to touch their abs, which is a travesty in itself, because that’s all I’d be doing.

How could you not?

Related: In one of the group texts I have going with some of my girls, we had a discussion about which male Olympic swimmer’s abs you’d like to lick Nutella off of.

I’m not picky.

But anyways, yeah I’m a little obsessed. I know so many olympians names.. from Team USA, from other countries, from all kinds of sports. My new favorite Olympic sport is archery, I think, but who knew badminton was so intense, because it is.

Also, I still do not understand tennis scoring. It’s played the same way as badminton, ping-pong and volleyball yet it is too good for normal scoring.

These athletes are beasts in every single sport…Gabby Douglas is so adorable I can’t stand it and it’s ridiculous how good she is at gymnastics. The women’s volleyball team – Misty and Kerri – have inspired me to do even better at my just-for-fun outdoor volleyball games Monday nights…

Ryan Lochte’s kind of a d-bag, but he’s not bad to look at. And he wins medals.

And Michael Phelps is superhuman. That’s all there is to it.

I don’t get this way about winter Olympics. Just summer, for some reason. Maybe because there are more ripped male athletes doing things shirtless?

It’s just so exciting though. No matter the sport. People are making their dreams come true and proving that they are the best in the world at something.

And I am the best in the world at watching. Pretty sure.

I have no idea what I’ll do with myself once the Olympics are over, but I do have a wedding to keep me busy for a bit. And Shark Week starts soon.

Thank God.

For more observations on Olympics and the amazing specimens competing in them, follow me on Twitter – @LoBoogie.

Ode to a channel/Why I need to get a life

I probably should just leave the TV off before I go to bed. I’d probably sleep better. Or I could at least put it on the History Channel. That’s usually guaranteed to put me to sleep, unless of course they’re showing “Gangland” or something – because I’m not about to not learn how to survive should I ever go to jail. Not that I would.

Speaking of jail, though… you’ve heard how I think I was either a criminal or a cop in a past life. So that may explain why I like truTV. It’s got a lot of crappy shows, but there’s a lot of good stuff too – like COPS, Forensic Files and tons of those shows where you can watch videos of people breaking their bones or something else.

Oh, and Sunday nights they show Las Vegas Jailhouse. I never want to go to jail, btw. I wouldn’t last a day.

Anyways. That’s the channel I watch before bed. And it gives me crazy dreams sometimes, but mostly it’s just interesting.

Seriously, the intro to Forensic Files is always something completely off the wall that hooks you – for example, something like “Find out how a toilet paper roll, a pencil and a VHS copy of The Little Mermaid helped stop a serial killer.”

I’m not even joking. Sometimes those intros come up and I’m like, “dammit, now I’m hooked!” They can figure anything out through forensics. It’s unbelievable.

So. Here are a few haikus to show my love for channel 36 on my TV. I need to get a life, I know. Don’t remind me.

Forensic Files
Blades of grass can solve murders
Who needs blood or hair

TruTV you are
my favorite channel but
you should show Cheaters

Las Vegas Jailhouse
What to do when arrested
Keep your damn mouth shut

Shocking videos
Cringeworthy, but I still watch
They have a death wish

COPS, COPS, COPS, COPS, COPS
I’ll watch any day or time
Wish I had G4.

The Real World is not real.

For some strange reason I keep subjecting myself to the RIDICULOUSNESS that is MTV’s The Real World.

Why, you ask? Maybe because it makes me feel better about myself. I am thankful that neither I nor anyone else in my life are that crazy. Where do they find these people? They’ve all got some sort of issue, are borderline alcoholics and sleep around way way way too much. They think being fired and sent home from the show is some crazy thing, when really, how hard is it to do an awesome job (because they only pick kickass things for the roommates to do, another way the show is not real life), every day when the only other thing you have to worry about is how much rum you’re gonna drink in your FREE AMAZING HOUSE.

Here’s just a few reasons why it’s not real.
• No one lives in houses that nice for free without having to do anything at all to earn it….
• If seven people lived together in real life, there’s less of a chance they’d all be that effing insane.
• In real life, YOU HAVE TO PAY FOR THINGS, you don’t just get them for free.

And finally, this may be the most important one – because I know it’s the one that frustrates me the most – in real life, people don’t say the phrase THREW ME UNDER THE BUS that often. In fact, besides on reality television, I’ve never heard that phrase in my day-to-day life.

Oh MTV, remember when you played videos?