Sounds familiar VII

Sounds like…me
(610) Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

(715) She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything.

(949) trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.

(256) The kid I’m babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WhY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE

(303) maybe I would like her more if 99 percent of her sentences didn’t start with “yesterday when I was reading twilight..”

(919) we took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

(434) NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

(724) I only knew it was midnight because I got happy new years texts while I puked outside.

(937) I did something last night that I shouldn’t have, but I don’t want to tell you because you’ll probably just make it your Facebook status…
(1-937) I see you’ve learned your lesson.

(702) grinding to God Bless the USA? Really?
(1-702) shut up

(215) chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea

Sounds like…Anthony
(248) are you still at the devil’s house?

(571) On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like.

(714) BTW, it’s bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.

(215) I just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

(850) Paul McCartney is starting to look like Angela Landsbury.

(972) I don’t appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket of Miracle Whip.

(412) Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

(937) oh and I really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing.

(210) world’s wildest videos should be called ‘crazy white people.’

Sounds like…Rachel
(314) I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day.

(917) I just saw how many times I called you last night. You’re welcome.

(704) it’s safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN

(203) They kept trying to slap each other but they were pouring beer onto their hands first and referring to it as their baby powder.

(519) I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team.

(402) Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It’s important…

(707) I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. They melted together into one giant cookie. This could either be the best or worst thing ever.

(719) Ladies, we have an appointment at David’s Bridal this coming Sunday at 3 p.m. And an appointment at wherever tequila is served at noon.

(301) I wish real life had Facebook tags so I could figure out who all these people are.

(520) there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn’t even lived in it for 24 hours. We’re playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people’s cups out of their hands.

(402) Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.

(404) you made the cat watch a peta video with you so you could show it just how good its life is.

(713) when I start to cry when I lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed.

(203) I can’t, I’m busy. I’ve been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.

(614) Maury Povich’s contact info is in our database at work…I should steal it right?

(760) running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.

(713) if only I could text you this smell..

Sounds like…Jennifer
(+64) If it was designed to hold water, it was designed to hold wine.

(813) it’s been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday…and for that, I thank you.

(714) after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles.

(305) Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous.

(516) matt and i tucked you in…you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.

(316) Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?

(609) I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.

(407) he looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards.

(407) weddings at vineyards should not be allowed to happen. I’m pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.

(512) The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
(319) Yes. For all mankind please do.

Sounds like…Sammi
(215) high definition – 1, sheryl crow – 0

(904) Champagne is a vitamin, right?

(805) I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard.

(248) Party’s warming up, a tranny just got here.

(615) 6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said I blew my nose in a slice of bread.

(847) Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you too.

(780) A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor.

Sounds like…Ashley
(978) We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together.

(814) I just remember pinky-promising you guys to take care of him.

(250) do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?

(413) All I’ve done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven’t even done that yet.

(631) Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy’s?

(410) I just google searched “can you pop your ovary”

Sounds like…Rebeck
(270) At one point last night while tipping the bartender, you looked at him and said “If I need money later, I’m taking this back.”

(850) Are they still out there making out on the couch? How do we get them to leave?
(1-850) I’m gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife.

(407) At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed “look at all them teeth”!

(519) i don’t think my arm is broken, I can still text.

Sounds like…Liz
(973) Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.

(214) Come over. Drunk tacos.
(1-214) that isn’t even a sentence.
(214) I kept the important parts.

(814) hungover + watching bobsledding = I just puked.

(913) Hold on I’m having a staring contest with my cat.

(443) you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming “I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY.” I have never been so terrified in my life.

(603) I’m sober, ask me anything about the civil war.

(407) I can’t believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.

(503) I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

(919) I don’t know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.

(706) He’s a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.

(303) I’m in workout clothes. This is progress.

(760) If there weren’t so many witnesses, I 100 percent would have punted that squirrel

Sounds like…Caitlin
(920) sometimes when I’m drunk I choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

(803) Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

(508) this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums, I feel like I’m living in jumanji.

(214) yeah I was googling pictures of sharks and I accidentally typed “shart.” Huge mistake.

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Sounds familiar VI

Numero seis.

You know the drill – I read texts from Texts From Last Night and realize several of them sound like my friends. Agree? Disagree? Have your own to add? Leave a comment and whatnot.

Sounds like…CKR
(814) I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: “Mommy…should we buy cups for daddy’s spit?”

(910) I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.

(703) I can feel you judging me through the phone.

(917) my milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard

(205) i just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

(609) we got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.

(518) i want a grilled cheese and an IV

(404) I’m at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking “do you like to melt things?” clearly they only want the ambitious.

(703) I feel like I’m waiting in line to date brett michaels

(703) i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later…what is wrong with me.

(720) i was gonna tell him a really embarrassing story about you, but then I remembered i’m in all of them.

(916) Wine smoothie…not as good as I thought it would be.

(832) I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.

(516) Just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now that’s determination.

(317) doo rag and shades in the bar. you are missing your future husband.

(218) The interviewer had a hook for his right I hand. I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

(612) I’m convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person

(512) Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a Zip Lock. Screw the environment, that bag is loud.

(507) You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying “My sock feels like a water slide.

Sounds like…Anthony
(617) Bibgbird is at the bar I’m at. what’s her name

(740) How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
(1-740) 2.5

(607) can we get nightvision for the apartment?

(775) I wish Mother Nature was an actual person cause I’d bitch slap her for sure

(330) Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? You need to let me know these things ahead of time so I don’t worry.

(631) I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.

(314) I wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating

(904) sorry about calling you the devil all night.

Sounds like…Rachel
(203) I can’t, I’m busy. I’ve been walking around Tokyo on Google maps for an hour.

(901) I’m at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of whack a mole

(713) my boss just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.

(205) why does Corona taste like a burp?

(706) almost accidentally stole a baby…explain later.

(240) oh well at that point i was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie

(781) the cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
(781) I love boston

(919) My corndog is a like a popsicle of bread. A. WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF. BREAD.

(781) he has that cheese in a can and he’s eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie

(630) Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes “don’t do that.”
(1-630) Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.

(805) my phone now changes “me” to mrrrrrrh”, thank you new year’s

(510) I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn’t answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number
(1-510) It was probably Jesus.
(510) I feel like he would have left a message

(618) I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided

(209) do you want me to make hamburgers?
(541) I’m vegan
(209) I’ll put lettuce on them

(718) no. I didn’t make it. Instead, I watched VH1 for…13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav’s clocks to tell time after the first three hours

(352) Correct me if I’m wrong but the photo album titles “Cause I’ve been drunken'” and “Baby Jessica” should not belong to the same person.

(732) You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

(541) I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(716) Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, “Creep-per.”

(402) you looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes

(864) i just ran from santa claus in Kroger

(914) Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not done a cover of it.

(541) my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

(217) I just don’t understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

(330) There’s someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob and talking on the phone

Sounds like…Jennifer
(917) I just saw an Asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you.

(407) He looks like the kind of guy that still collects Pokemon cards.

(818) Its like a parade of train wrecks

(978) yeah, where have you been?
(407) clearly not facebooking enough. sweet jesus.

(360) she smelled like a LAN party

(217) that guy you’re talking to looks like Brian from family guy.

(952) I think I just saw hanson and the grocery store. One might have been a girl. Hard to tell. Let’s call that one Taylor.

Sounds like…Brent
(360) had a drag queen carried me to the car. So I’m told.

(920): when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.

(619) dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face

(973) lesbians are nice people they do not take debit cards

(847) I’ll pull you in a wagon. You’ll have a sash and a crown on and we’ll sing “All the Single Ladies”

(605) say something about gay babies

(716) her body is proportioned like a family guy character

(586) More tranny stories later!

Sounds like…Liz
(226) please don’t ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again.

(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor

(210) Somebody was walking their dog with their car, seriously.

Sounds like…Me
(619) you assured me you’d make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

(774) i just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

(832) moral of the story: I’m going to stab everyone

(603) the only people who have said happy valentine’s day to me today have been 2 homeless people.

(512) you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to “man up” when it cried.

(860) I’m having a hard time not telling people about your bathroom story.

(860) I have no recollection of sleep choking you.

(256) in an unhealthy relationship should definitely be a Facebook option

Sounds like…Mom
(734) Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon! Love you, Mom.