Sorry not sorry

I have thought about getting a heart tattoo…

Maybe it will be on my sleeve.

Well, sleeve area.

If you know me personally, you know that when it comes to emotions, for the most part I am as easy to read as a movie-theater screen (is that a good metaphor? I dunno, but you get the point, right?).

Is that because of my chemical imbalance – the one that means I have anxiety and depression? Or is it in addition to it? Those things heighten all of the emotions, that’s for sure.

My therapist told me recently I protect myself/my emotions..possibly too much. And she’s exactly right. Because, for as long as I can remember I’ve apologized for most of my emotions. I say how I feel then get afraid that it’s out there so I apologize that I even said anything. I apologize because I felt this way or that way.

Do you know how stupid that is?

You probably do. I didn’t..not really anyway. I’m getting there, though.

I have RBF/CBF (it’s a thing, really), so I spend a lot of time telling people I’m fine when I don’t look it. And I’m usually telling the truth.

Sidebar: Read this and this. They’re basically about my daily life.

But sometimes I’m not fine. That’s part of these mental issues that I have that are some day 8 million times harder than others. And I have apologized, many a time, for not being fine.

Again – it’s stupid, but it’s reality. And I’m not alone. A friend posted this video on Facebook, and when I shared it on my wall, I wrote about my own struggles with it in an apologetic tone!

Silly.

A major thing that’s happened for me in recent years – perhaps since I started therapy or started medication – is I’ve spoken up more about how I felt. You all know – I’ve written a lot about it on this blog. In a couple cases, it’s cost me friendships (which, would we really call them that if they were so easily lost?) but in others its made things stronger.

So yeah, I’ve spoken up more in my relationships (whether they be friendships, family, romantic/potentially romantic). It may not always be in my speaking voice (I tend to write better than I can speak) but it gets said. People know where they stand with me, as they should.

I’m gonna use 30 as an excuse, kind of, but why not? I’m too old for the drama. If I feel some type of way, I’ll tell ya. If I don’t, I’ll tell ya. And it might not always work out that way but I tend to expect that out of others. Problem with me? Tell me. You love me? Tell me. Because if the shoe’s on the other foot, you’re finding out. It’s just easier that way, I think.

And I’m NOT sorry that I feel like that.

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Too late to apologize

OK, so I’m trying this new thing. And I need your help. Because, though it’s not really an addiction, there’s something I do a lot that needs to stop. Apologizing.

Now, I’ll of course still apologize if I do something really wrong or upset someone or hurt their feelings or accidentally step on their foot or something because I’m clumsy like that, but I won’t about little things – stupid things that require no apology at all.

It’s been brought to my attention – on more than one occasion and especially lately when I’ve been super-stressed or anxious about other things – that I apologize WAY too much. 99.9 percent of the time I do it when I don’t need to. For things like, I dunno, BEING MYSELF.

Yeah. Ridiculous. I know. Don’t ask me why because I really have no idea. And the reasons I think would fill more room than I have allowed for this post. Part of it I guess is my fear of pissing someone off. Part of it is not sticking up for myself with everything I say.

And admitting it is the first step. Second step is shutting the hell up. Not in general, just thinking about it before I say “Sorry.” Because usually it’s unnecessary. And I get that now. And I’ll stop. I promise.