Everything I know I learned from television

Once upon a time – at my previous job – there was talk of sending a reporter to spend the night in jail to write about the experience. It never ended up happening, but I like to think I’d have done just fine if I’d been chosen. (I had a 50/50 chance as there were only two reporters there).

In fact, not long ago, a couple of my co-workers and I were talking about Orange Is The New Black** and they told me that they both were confident I’d survive just fine in jail/prison (there are differences, people).

**If you have not watched this show, you need to. First of all, it’s awesome. Second of all, I never steer people wrong when it comes to TV show recommendations. Third of all, the whole first season is on Netflix so you can binge-watch in four days like I did.

Between OITNB and repeated viewings of Locked Up/Locked Up:Raw /Locked Up:Extended Stay /Locked Up:Abroad, a few episodes of Oz, lots of Law & Orders and those three times I watched Brokedown Palace, I feel like I’m sufficiently prepared, should I ever decide to take up a life of crime and, well, not be great at it.

Seriously. I’ve made a list of the qualifications that would make me a good prisoner (at least in terms of taking care of myself). And because I got them hooked on Orange too, I made my sisters and Mom make lists as well. Who would last long? Probably none of us, if we’re being real honest. But here we plead our case.

I would survive prison because:
1) I am tougher than I look. Like, when we were younger (and sometimes it still happens, lets be honest), my sisters have to be reminded not to hit or pinch or hurt me because I will retaliate and mine always hurt worse.
2) I am a people-pleaser. I will at least be agreeable to someone’s face. Don’t like having anyone mad at me. And I am good at sharing…comes with being the oldest. You want my lunch? Sure you can have it.
3) Due to my repeated viewings of these shows about incarceration, I have learned how to be resourceful. I can most likely make shoes, a shank and some pretty disgusting hooch if called upon to do so.
4) Since I not only watch(ed) shows about the wrong side of the law but the right/other side as well (See: Justified, Law & Order again, COPS, Dexter, Breaking Bad, The Wire), I can help my fellow prisoners work on their case/appeals. Kind of like Andy in Shawshank. And even if I can’t, I know a lot of legalese/Latin that would make it sound like I knew what I was talking about. “Objection!” “Habeus Corpus” “If it pleases the court..”
5) I’m a damn good snuggler.

Reasons I wouldn’t survive prison:
1) I’m really weak so I’d probably lose any fight I got into.
2) My nose is really sensitive and I imagine there’s some funky smells in prison
3) I don’t like being told when I can and can’t eat.
4) I’d spend all my money on snacks instead of necessities to barter with
5) They don’t serve donuts in prison.

Yeah I’d make it because:
a) I’m a people pleaser, I wouldn’t piss people off
b) I’m resourceful
c) I don’t take shit from people
d) im short, I’ll go unnoticed
e) I ain’t no snitch

I wouldn’t survive because:
1) jail is too dirty.
2) I don’t like the shower situation
3) Probably wouldn’t be able to defend myself.
4) Not good at hiding my emotions, so that would probably get me in trouble.
5) rats.


Smiley things

I think I’ve said before that perspective is a hell of a thing. Life could be much worse and luckily, it’s not. That said, I’m not apologizing for my recent melodrama because it was the truth of what I was feeling at the time.

Now, having come out of it – and having taken a serious metaphorical chill pill – there’s less to worry about and more to be happy about.

Wanna know what’s making me smile lately?

I knew you would.

• Zee Avi’s Concrete Wall – Not the official video, but it’s got Kermit in it and it’s an awesome song.

Alligator Sunglasses.

• Bookshelves that are overflowing. I’m never getting a Kindle. Well. Maybe. Currently reading: “Thunderstruck” by Erik Larson.

• Shameless on Showtime. Thank you, Roommate and new channels with Insight Cable.

• Photography jobs – kind of. I’ve completed one photo session with one of my favorite engaged couples for their Save-The-Dates and I have another shoot next weekend. Add that to the possibility of a third as well as being asked to bring my camera and shoot some stuff at the bf’s beach wedding and you have one happy – and busy – budding photographer girl.

• THE HUNGER GAMES MOVIE COMES OUT IN A MONTH. Sorry for the caps, but now that HP is done, I have to have a new series to get hyped about.

The Mini-Warbler.

• A kid that wakes up dancing to rap music. This is my future child.

• Good blogs/bloggers. They make me want to be a better writer and photographer. To be craftier. Here’s a few ladies (and a gent) to follow. Kelle Hampton at Enjoying The Small Things, Heather Armstrong at Dooce and John and Sherry at Young House Love & Young House Life.

• Movie previews. There are lots of movies I wanna see.
Like this.

And this.

And this.

And this.

• This picture:

March 22, 2011.

A.K.A. Day 2 without The Wire.

The withdrawals have begun.

I already miss Omar. And Bubbles. And McNulty. And Bunk. And Herc. And Freamon. And Greggs. Hell, I even miss Rawls.

Oh. Not sure what I’m talking about? Only the best show ever. Well, one of ’em anyway.

We all know I like and watch entirely too many television shows. I like to think I have good taste though – I’ve recommended LOST, How I Met Your Mother and Dexter to people who are now hooked (RIP LOST). I like cop shows and smart shows (please disregard my love for Jersey Shore here) and any show that can hook me in the first hour.

The Wire, recommended to me by my cousin, wasn’t high up on my list at first. He’s the only person who was telling me how good it was and he and I don’t always have the same taste in what’s good and what’s not. But after much convincing, I moved it up to the top of my Netflix queue and, well, wondering where I’ve been the last month and a half?

Yeah. Watching The Wire. All five seasons. All the f-bombs, the gangstas, the drugs and Omar whistling “The Farmer in the Dell” every time he walked up on a stash-house (where they keep the drugs, for those of you wondering) with his shotgun to rob them.

The Wire got me through appendicitis recovery and show pre-sweeps hiatuses and I’m gonna miss it. Like all my other favorite shows (too many, I know, but when you ask to borrow ’em bet you’re glad I have them to share. FOR FREE), I probably will own it at some point.

But not right now. It’s 105 bucks on Amazon.


For those of you without young children in the room and/or who don’t have an aversion to the extreme amount of cursing allowed on HBO shows, here’s a clip of all the best lines from the show. Enjoy. And then go watch all five seasons. It’s good stuff. Trust me.

Ode to a channel/Why I need to get a life

I probably should just leave the TV off before I go to bed. I’d probably sleep better. Or I could at least put it on the History Channel. That’s usually guaranteed to put me to sleep, unless of course they’re showing “Gangland” or something – because I’m not about to not learn how to survive should I ever go to jail. Not that I would.

Speaking of jail, though… you’ve heard how I think I was either a criminal or a cop in a past life. So that may explain why I like truTV. It’s got a lot of crappy shows, but there’s a lot of good stuff too – like COPS, Forensic Files and tons of those shows where you can watch videos of people breaking their bones or something else.

Oh, and Sunday nights they show Las Vegas Jailhouse. I never want to go to jail, btw. I wouldn’t last a day.

Anyways. That’s the channel I watch before bed. And it gives me crazy dreams sometimes, but mostly it’s just interesting.

Seriously, the intro to Forensic Files is always something completely off the wall that hooks you – for example, something like “Find out how a toilet paper roll, a pencil and a VHS copy of The Little Mermaid helped stop a serial killer.”

I’m not even joking. Sometimes those intros come up and I’m like, “dammit, now I’m hooked!” They can figure anything out through forensics. It’s unbelievable.

So. Here are a few haikus to show my love for channel 36 on my TV. I need to get a life, I know. Don’t remind me.

Forensic Files
Blades of grass can solve murders
Who needs blood or hair

TruTV you are
my favorite channel but
you should show Cheaters

Las Vegas Jailhouse
What to do when arrested
Keep your damn mouth shut

Shocking videos
Cringeworthy, but I still watch
They have a death wish

I’ll watch any day or time
Wish I had G4.

Quite the conundrum

I watch a fair amount of TV, it’s safe to say. I have about four shows I watch on Monday, three on Wednesday, one on Saturday, two on Sunday and, well, a bunch on Thursday. Herein lies the issue – and why I got TiVo.

Thursday nights are now my night out, sometimes the only one I have all week. We go to karaoke Thursday nights and I’m out of the house from about 7 to 11 p.m. About 90 percent of the shows I watch come on Thursday night – which wouldn’t normally be a problem, on account of TeeV – but they are all on at the same time! What’s a girl to do?

Find re-runs. 🙂

How are you all (meaning about 3 of the 4 people that read this fairly often, haha) dealing with it? ‘Cause I know you watch several, if not all of the same stuff I do. TiVo? DVR? Hulu? Catching up later?

Seriously though – here’s the Thursday night line-up, and I’m unfortunately a fan of all of them, except for that last one. I’m just trying that one out.

The Office
Parks & Rec
Grey’s Anatomy
Project Runway
Ace of Cakes
Flash Forward

I know, my TV addiction is somewhat sad, but it’s a good way to relax after a long day at work and not have to do much, if any, thinking. That is, until LOST comes back in January. Watching that’s like a second job, complete with take-home work to bring back next time.