#TBT: Not terrifying at all

Things you don’t wanna hear in the middle of nowhere, especially while chaperoning youth (this is from our trip to Otter Creek in the fall).

“There’s no reception.”

“You don’t need reception to call 911.”

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I shouldn’t…watch this show II

Yep. It’s another one of those feature-y things we seem to like so much over here at on-account-of.
Do you watch “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” on Animal Planet? Because shit’s crazy. Correction: People are crazy. Who says “I’m gonna go off on my own in the ocean for a month, don’t worry about me, and if you don’t hear from me by the end of the month, wait a couple more weeks before you start looking for me”? ‘Cause that’s pretty much what happens.

Last time I wrote you a little stream-o’-consciousness with this show, it was also about the ocean. And a guy named Steve. I am now convinced that the only people who go sailing and almost die from it are named Steve. Never get on a boat with a man named Steve. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

So yeah. I watched some more ISBA and took notes. Here goes.

I Shouldn’t Be Alive: 76 Days in the Atlantic Ocean

Premise: A 29-year-old goes on “the sailing trip of a lifetime.” Ain’t that the truth..

Sailed from US to Canary Islands. He has 3,000 miles to go to get home. Awesome. He should just fly.

Trip is an adventure, “a means of escape.” Well, you’re gonna escape, alright.

His name is Steve. They’re always named Steve.

Wasn’t paying attention just now but he said “I pictured myself more of like a sea creature.” Hmm. I think I would want to be a dolphin.

And of course there’s a storm. But he’s an experienced sailor and that’s all that matters.

Oh, bad weather and he’s going to bed. Yeah, lay down and get seasick. And maybe choke when you throw up from it.

Shit. Iceberg. Not really, but it’s filling up like the Titanic. And he’s downstairs. Hey claustrophobia.

He does have a nice life raft…it looks like a tent on top of a tube. And now he’s gotta get back on the boat and get equipment and food and stuff so he doesn’t die on the raft.

WHY DO THESE PEOPLE GO SAILING?

The re-enactor guy looks like Sawyer from LOST. Aw.. LOST.

Oh cool. Now he’s locked underwater in the cabin of the boat…THE BOAT THAT’S SINKING. Hello, new biggest fear!

(Sidebar: Baby Einstein is afraid of boats. Not like, to look at or anything, but to be on. After seeing things like this, not a crazy thing to be scared of.)

Oh good, he got out. And got his stuff. And he has shorts on and is freezing. Also the waves are tossing his raft around like crazy. Why hasn’t he thrown up – or did they edit that out?

All alone in the middle of the ocean. And, like everyone on this damn show “no one will be looking for him for several days.” In his case, though, it’s weeks.

“The world’s biggest desert is the ocean.” Interesting.

He had a water purifier but has no idea how to use it. That sucks.

“I was lonesome.” Um, you were gonna be lonesome on the boat, now you’re just lonesome on the raft. The only difference is less room and easier for sharks to get you.

Don’t drink so much water, you have to be out there for 76 days! (Oh wait, he doesn’t know that part.)

One week in..he needs to get his science on and figure out how in the hell to work the water purifier thing.

Had to cut one of the three of them open to figure it out, but hey, at least he doesn’t have to drink sea water.

He’s run out of food. You have a harpoon, son. You risked your life to go back to get it. Get to fishin’.

He saw a fish – dude, don’t stab the boat.

Ooh he got one. And is now beating it to death. That’s some Bear Grylls-like shit. This is happening day 14.

He just said “as long as the raft stays in one piece, I’ll be OK.” You know that’s not gonna last. FORESHADOWING.

And there’s the sharks. Messin’ with his raft. Those sharks are such bullies.

Man vs. Shark. Scared him off. That’s good.

He sees a ship. And it’s super-close. Now he’s drinking all his water. Bad idea…

It passed him. Because “it’s really hard to be seen at sea, even if you’re looking for something.” Well, that makes you hopeful.

Ships keep passing him…how frigging frustrating.

He’s been out there a month. Apparently ships only pass at night. Also, nobody at home is looking for him. Possibly my new second-worst fear: Being lost and no one knows or will be looking for you for a while.

It took him a month to cry – he says. I’d have been sobbing – and probably dead – night 1.

He says he’s so thirsty he’d trade his hand for a cup of water. I hope I am never that thirsty.

“I was getting skinnier” – cut to shot of Sawyer-like actor boy’s sexy abs.

Tried to catch a fish and it popped his raft. Day 34.

“He’s in serious trouble.” No shit, narrator man.

Remember how you said you could survive if the raft was intact? JINXED IT.

Geez, now he has to pump it back full of air. Constantly. Yeah, and we’re on day 50.

He gave up. And is now thinking he’s wasted his life.

Kind of looks like Jesus right now.

He stuck a fork in a patch in a raft. Worked. Win? Also he has a sunburn. And is gonna try fishing again. Better not pop your raft again.

Day 60 – get under the tent part, you’re gonna get sun poisoning.

He has a watch. So there’s that..

Day 66. Two frigging months. Now his solar things don’t work anymore. No more water.

I read somewhere recently that you can survive a few weeks or something without water but only 11 days without sleep. That’s all he’s doing.

“He’s losing his mind.” He looks like a caveman. Or a murderer. Day 69.

Day 74. How will it END?!

He’s rocking back and forth. First sign of crazy. Next stop, maniacal laughter.

Now he’s hallucinating. Ready to die. Which, on this show, means you either have four to eight more days to go, or YOU’RE ‘BOUT TO GET RESCUED!

He bumped into plastic bottles and crates and stuff in the water – OH, so he’s in the Ohio River?

Sawyer never looked this rough on LOST.

I never want to go sailing.

Now the one island he almost runs into has cliffs and reefs and is gonna pop his boat again. Unless he is rescued by these guys in a fishing boat! Hallelujah.

The guys that rescued him asked him what he was doing out here.

Um, dying. And getting sunburnt.

He weighs 100 pounds after all that. And stays in the hospital for six weeks. Whoa.

“I had too much unfinished business and that kept me alive.” Like ghosts?

The end.

Movies that may cause me to never want to leave the house for a hundred

I’m on my second of three movies at the theater this week. Sunday, Inception. Tonight, Salt. Tomorrow, Despicable Me. So far, both movies I’ve seen were awesome. However, the previews have run the gamut from “I NEED TO SEE THAT” to “Well. That’ll make me need to sleep with the lights on for a month..”

So far, here’s the previews I’ve seen since Sunday. The first ones I’ll share with you are the ones that may potentially scare the living crap out of me and if I am to see them, you guys are gonna have to come with me and hold my hands and then rub my head afterward and remind me it was just a movie and I don’t need to go sleep at my parents’ house for the next week.

Oh and the roommate just told me to watch this.

Then there were these previews, ones that look pretty awesome or interesting and probably won’t give me bad dreams. Especially these first two.

fears, Irrational

The other day, while in the shower, I got shampoo in my eye. Wasn’t paying attention and apparently could not feel the shampoo sliding down my forehead and all of the sudden I was blind in one eye.

Side note – when I was typing the previous sentence, I originally spelled forehead “fourhead” perhaps subconsciously because my forehead is four fingers tall. This past Christmas at my family’s annual Christmas party, several of us sat around my aunt and uncle’s living room and compared forehead sizes. Some members of my family apparently have a fivehead. My uncle Chuck has a onehead – one middle finger tall. Love my family…

Anyways, so I was blind in one eye and squeezing both eyes shut, because it’s easier to do that then just squeeze one eye shut. And for about a milli-second, maybe longer, I thought, “This could be bad. It’s gonna be worse than that time I had the crazy eye. I’m going to have to wear an eye patch.”

Because one time I did have the crazy eye. It wasn’t pinkeye, it was an allergic reaction to my cheap-o contact solution that apparently only infected one eye. It was all swollen and runny and disgusting and I had to wear my glasses for a couple weeks and change out the contact I’d had in when I apparently contracted said crazy eye.

My main concern though was my contact. I’d put my contacts in before the shower and as I was alternating between holding my hand over my eye and putting it directly under the flow of water , I was worrying that whatever was in the shampoo could have some crazy reaction with my contact solution and this would not end well.

I must have stood there for at least five minutes just letting the water hit my eye and trying to stay calm. Because every time I opened my eye it stung.

I wish I had a better ending to this story, maybe one that involved an eye patch and me fighting the urge to talk like a pirate to friends and family, but really all that happened is I had to change my contact and throw away the one with shampoo on it.

I share this story to tell you another one – I have a few irrational fears.

I don’t think I’m alone in this. While they may not share my specific fears, I know there are some things my friends and family are afraid of that are a smidge on the irrational side.

Now, I realize I wouldn’t have really gone blind from getting shampoo in my eye, but for a second, it was scary. Sight is a pretty valuable sense to have and when I couldn’t open my eye without burning pain, I got a little nervous. And I also wondered if anybody had ever gone blind from getting shampoo in their eye. It’s not like I stood there with the bottle of Herbal Essences Hello Hydration aimed at my cornea, but it was enough to really hurt. And it hurt for the rest of the day.

But enough about the eye. We were talking about my other irrational fears.

I am afraid that the fan will fall on me while I sleep if I have it on at top speed. I think it’s loose and it’s been making rattling noises lately – yes, I sleep with my fan on in the winter, the noise helps me sleep – and that doesn’t sound promising. The fan in my bedroom is over the end of my bed, so the worst that could happen is it falls onto my legs and I get some pretty massive bruises. For a while I over-exaggerated and thought it could cut my feet and/or toes off but realized the way I sleep that’s impossible. I sleep on my side so there are no vertical appendages at that end of the bed. I’m a light sleeper and the sound of it breaking from the wall would probably wake me up before it actually hit me, but still, I don’t sleep with the fan on high.

I have a fear of my apartment catching on fire because I didn’t turn something off – don’t freak out, I always turn stuff off, or unplug it, plus check it seven times – most often its my toaster oven, the appliance I use most in the kitchen. I don’t know what it is, I just worry about that one more than anything else and when my OCD was really bad, it was one of the things I checked before I left the house to make sure it was off. Don’t judge. I said was.

Bordering a little more on rational is the fear that if I forget to put my parking brake up – or think I forgot to, again with the OCD – my car’s gonna roll down the steep hill that is my church’s parking lot and either hit other cars in the process or go over the bottom of the lot. I always put my brake on when I park at church, but I still sometimes question once I’ve gotten out – “Did I put the parking brake on?”

Last, but not least, I worry that I didn’t sign my check when I mail a bill. I have a fear that I’ll forget to fill some part of it out and then it’s sealed and mailed and someone can fill out the spot I missed and get some of my money. Ridiculous, I know. Guess who saw “Blank Check” too many times as a kid. Tone Loc is in that one…

I’m not adding my fear of clowns to this list. That fear is completely rational. Clowns are evil. Want proof? READ STEPHEN KING’S “IT.” Oh, and watch that E-trade commercial where the clown’s just hanging out in that baby’s room…nothing normal about that.

This will haunt your dreams at night

I hate clowns. I don’t see the point. They’re creepy and anyone who wants to dress up that way for fun and to entertain kids – that’s effed up.

The Stephen King book, “IT” is the reason behind my fear..I read it at a young age, that was dumb, and then made the mistake of seeing the movie. I was scared of shower drains, sewer drains and Tim Curry as well for a while afterwards.

I didn’t know how bad it was until last year – we went to Thunder on my 24th birthday and while we were walking to the bathroom, we saw some freak with a clown mask on. And not a regular one, of course, one of those extra creepy ones. My sister and best friend thought it’d be hilarious if we stopped him to get a picture with me. It scared the hell out of me. I hid behind Anthony with my head buried in his back while my sister told the clown to put his arm around me for a picture. When he finally walked away and detached myself from Anthony’s back I was crying. I didn’t even know it was that bad. But apparently it is.

So. To today’s story. My mom texted me this morning to let me know that when her boss was playing in a golf tournament this week, a guy dressed up as a clown was following her in a golf cart. Apparently it was because he was the mascot for the tournament.

Doesn’t matter though. WTF. CLOWNS ARE CREEPY.

And you will never convince me otherwise.