#TBT: Not terrifying at all

Things you don’t wanna hear in the middle of nowhere, especially while chaperoning youth (this is from our trip to Otter Creek in the fall).

“There’s no reception.”

“You don’t need reception to call 911.”

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Keeping my feet on dry land

As some of you may know, last year, I decided to be crazy and jump in freezing cold water.

Now this isn’t something I normally do, ’cause, you guys, it takes me forever to get into a pool even if it is pretty warm. Ugh, when it hits that part of your back and it’s the coldest you’ve ever felt? Imagine that all over. Times 10,000.

But this? This was for a good cause.

As you may remember or may have heard me say multiple times, I’ve volunteered for the past two years or so pretty regularly with Special Olympics Kentucky.

It’s safe to say it’s one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. The people I’ve met through that organization and the events I’ve been able to be a part of? I wouldn’t change ’em for anything.

So when time came to jump in cold water for them, I thought “how bad could it be?”

You guys, it was bad. My body went into shock I think. I’m a good swimmer and the second my body hit the river, I couldn’t swim. At all. Still makes me shiver to think about.

I’m beyond happy I did it though, to prove to myself and people who thought I was crazy that I could. And I raised about $300 on my own to benefit the organization I’ve come to love so much.

And this year I plan to do it again – raise the money, not jump in the river.

I recently reached out to SOKY and told them as much as I loved plunging last year, this year I’d be staying dry. But I still fully intend to be down by the river that day cheering on the brave souls who are doing it for the first time and the crazy people who are doing it again. They are better people than me. I plan to volunteer in some capacity, if they’ll have me, that day, whether it’s checking people in or directing them to the hot tubs to get their body temperature back to almost normal.

Want to jump? I’ll cheer you on and hold your towels.

Want to support some amazing athletes? Click here!

A third roommate?

I’m about 68-percent sure my apartment is haunted.

It all started about a month ago.

The stereo in my bedroom started turning on by itself in the middle of the night, which wouldn’t be too big of a deal except it came on at the same time every night (around 2:30), loudly. It wasn’t on a sleep timer and I have absolutely no idea where the remote is.

I wouldn’t have thought too much of it, if it had been the only thing that happened.

Our dryer has been acting up and we’re afraid something’s gonna happen to it – however we keep using it…

But one night, when The Roommate and I had both been using the laundry room, something weird happened. I went in to get my stuff out of the dryer and sticking out of the door was something that hadn’t been there 10 minutes earlier when I’d gone in to check on things. It was a little slip of yellowed paper that basically said “Stop doing laundry or this dryer is gonna catch on fire.”

Oh and the smoke detector right outside my bedroom door? It’s come loose and is hanging down. Also wouldn’t be that big of a deal if I hadn’t watched The Roommate re-affix it to the ceiling.

I don’t think I’ve done anything to piss the ghost off. And The Roommate’s feelings on the situation? Well, you can figure that out from this conversation.

In fact, the other night, I even said out loud – to the ghost, of course, “I don’t mind you being here, just be nice to me and I’ll be nice to you.”

I learned that from my extensive ghost training – a.k.a. the one ghost “hunt” I’ve gone on in my life. It was for work – yeah, journalism is awesome – and I got to wear these supersonic ear phones and stand in a dark basement asking if there was anybody hanging around.

Chief lesson our leaders wanted us to take from that night? Don’t antagonize them or they’ll follow you home. Yeah.

I’m afraid of weird things – clowns, submarines, heights, accidentally getting my fingers chopped off by the garbage disposal….

I’ll squash any bug, I’ll pet or hold a snake – as long as it’s not poisonous and mice and rats make me a little queasy.

But ghosts? Dunno. Not skeered.

Of course that’s because I plan on always being nice to them, should I ever come in contact with one – or should this one I’m pretty sure is in the apartment decides to stay awhile.

I shouldn’t….watch this show

There’s this show on the Discovery Channel, maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s called “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” and it’ll basically make you scared to go anywhere ever.

They tell the story – through re-enactments and voice-overs from the survivors – of what they went through and seriously after all of it, they really shouldn’t be alive. I probably wouldn’t be if it had been me. But that is because I’m a wimp.

For your reading pleasure, I thought I’d give you a little stream-of-consciousness writing from my brain during a recent episode of the show. it was called Ocean Disaster and it’s an episode from season 4, if you care to look it up.

So, here we go:

Premise: Boat capsizes in Gulf of Mexico during a boat race. Five guys almost die. 26 hours.

Guy who’s boat it is – he’s an experienced sailor. Of course he is. He loves the ocean. Bet he doesn’t anymore.

He’s got four college kids with him. They have sailing experience. Doesn’t say how he’s reached that determination. Well, I’ve been on a boat four times, does that count?

Skipper’s responsible for everything. “It’s not a responsibility you take lightly.” All I know about skippers are from Gilligan’s Island and Barbie’s little sister.

Sami’s afraid of boats. She shouldn’t watch this. Or read any further, if she’s reading. SAMI STOP HERE.

Least-experienced guy is really excited. Bet he messes it up. He’s steering at the moment.

“It was a beautiful night.” Yeah, not for much longer..

Some of the guys are sleeping on the boat. I’ve tried that, makes me nauseous.

Oh damn. Boat is taking on water – this never ends well. Remember Titanic?

Uh oh. Capsized. And some guys are stuck downstairs, which is underwater. My worst fear. Yep. This is why I don’t like submarines.

They’re unclipping from the boat. Awesome. But, uh, what about sharks?

OMG the guys downstairs are still stuck inside the boat and it’s upside down and filling up with water. Oh. And dark.

Now they have to swim down through a whole that water is rushing through. HOW THE HELL DO THEY GET OUT? Shouldn’t be alive, indeed. Ok they pushed the one guy out.

Oh good. Someone is without a life jacket. And it’s nighttime.

Now they’re tying themselves together with their belts so nobody floats away.

Most common phrase in this show “NOBODY KNOWS THEY’RE MISSING.” Sometimes I get frustrated with my mom for always checking in, but you better believe I go out somewhere crazy, I’m letting people know what’s up.

“Until you go back on shore you’re still a skipper.” That’s what the guy just said. Um, OK, but what about when THE SHARKS COME?

Fun fact: Seawater contains three times more salt than human blood. Thanks, Animal Planet. Swallowing a pint can cause kidney failure or death. CLOSE YOUR MOUTH AT THE BEACH. Noted.

There’s no waves all day, but of course as soon as the boat capsizes there’s a storm. I thought that just happened in movies.

Youngest guy – without a life jacket – wants to swim seven miles to this oil rig.

They keep calling the guy Skipper Steve. Just like Scuba Steve, only he looks like Colonel Sanders.

OH SNAP. Sharks. Skipper Steve sees ’em. Nobody else does. And he’s not gonna tell them. Are you kidding? I fall into the ocean without a boat, all I’m going to be thinking – and probably saying – is “Oh crap, sharks. Where are they? Oh crap.”

They’ve been floating 13 hours. And they’re getting sunburns. And they have to hold up that one kid that doesn’t have a life jacket.

OH NOW he wants to swim to the oil rig thing. Watch out for the sharks.

I wonder if any of these re-enactors will go on to become famous. ‘How’d you get your start?’ ‘I played Skipper Steve on an episode of I Shouldn’t Be Alive.’

“The guys swim for over 2 hours.” Yeah I’d already be done.

Another fun fact: The human body can survive 48 hours without water. However, saltwater makes you dehydrated. Figure that one out.

14 hours in the ocean, here comes the helicopter – but oh, we got 20 minutes of show left. You know they don’t get saved yet.

“We could see them the whole time, but they couldn’t see us.” HOW HORRIBLE. Now everyone thinks they’re gonna die. I’d have thought that hour 3.

And they’ve all got BAD sunburns. Oh and now they’re gonna get hypothermia.

Helicopters are leaving. Skipper Steve just told them they’re probably gonna be out there all night again.

I think the narrator just got a ‘tude. Skipper Steve said you had to have the will to live – narrator just said that’s true “but that doesn’t help against hypothermia.”

Skinniest dude is fading fast. Pays to have some meat on your bones, apparently. Good to know.

This guy just said ocean like, “oohshin.”

OH snap, helicopter in the dark. They’re gonna live. And they need aloe and some Dasani.

Well. This episode has solidified my fear of being in an enclosed space underwater, so good luck getting me on a submarine, ever. Or in the bottom part of a boat.

Or in a boat race, even if I was with someone called Skipper Steve.

I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts

Just murderers.

I am so serious. Besides clowns, heights and submarines – don’t judge that last one, the episode of LOST where my TV boyfriend dies completely proves my point – the thing I may be most scared of is being murdered.

Yep. I’m scared of being murdered.

See: Why I slept in the middle of the bed when I house sat last summer for my aunt and uncle. Reason: So I had an equal chance of getting out if someone came in either of the two doors to their room.

See: Why I will not live in a first-floor apartment. Reason: Easier to get in and kill me, duh.

It’s not entirely unwarranted. I am a young woman. I don’t live alone but I used to. I’m not a fast runner – not really a runner at all, I’ve told you before I run like an old man – so it’s not like I could make a quick getaway.

But I do watch a lot of cop shows. So I feel like I know what I’m up against.

Why am I telling you all this?

Because. There are currently two cops walking around the apartment complex right now with flashlights. Naturally, I feel that means they are looking for a murderer. Or some other criminal that has escaped custody or something equally illegal.

Therefore. I will not be sleeping for at least another hour. And I’d really appreciate it if someone would come over and hold my hand until I fall asleep. Or at least guard my door. Thanks.