I did it all for the banana. And the Thanksgiving sides.

The night before, I got nervous.

The morning of, I got real nervous.

I think I went to the bathroom 11 times.

And then I was nervous about being nervous because nervous poops.

This is my life, y’all.

I wore my new running leggings. I congratulated myself for choosing the long-sleeve shirt because it was cold as hell. I got my free shirt. And my number.

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My friend Jennifer decided the night before to run the race as well, and she was giving me a pep talk. My cousin Anna – my running buddy – got there and we found our places in line. After one more bathroom trip.

I saw a few more friends lining up and silently cursed at/judged the people who were running before we had to run – you know, those people who will do the course before, just because, or will do a few laps around the parking lot to get warmed up. I was praying I’d just finish before the people with the strollers and the old man with the ski pole.

And then we started.

It felt good, at first. And I told myself I’d run as far as I could, then walk, and then run, and it was OK if I walked some, people do that in races.

I made it further than I thought I would before the cold outside air (this is where my training being indoors became an issue) literally took my breath away. I stopped to walk and told Anna to keep going.

“Save yourself!” I said. “I’m gonna screw up your time so badly.”

But she refused to leave. And I love her so much for that.

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I walked until I’d caught my breath. Then I ran again. And that’s how we did it – walk, run, walk, run, walk, run. My achilles was pulling, I was a full-on mouth breather and I needed Chapstick. I kept apologizing to Anna.

She assured me she did not care about her time, she was doing this with me, start to finish. On our walking breaks we looked at/smiled at/talked about all the dogs running with their owners.

She made note of our distance for me with a smile and kept me going. I saw one of my athletes halfway through and when he and his dad smiled at me and said “Hey Coach!” that was a boost of energy I needed then.

I tried not to look at the time on my Fitbit, reminding myself that this was the first one I’d done in years, the first one I’d actually “TRAINED” for, and any time would be acceptable, because I was doing it.

And when I saw the home stretch, I told myself, and then Anna, that I was going to run the rest of the way, even if I wanted to stop. So I did. Not far from the finish line I saw Jennifer, cheering me on and taking a picture (I was hoping I didn’t look like I felt – which was cold and a little achy). And I kept running through to the finish.

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My time was under an hour (which is really all I wanted for my first one). And I finished way ahead of the old man with the ski pole. And I immediately felt like crying because I’d actually done it. It didn’t look like I thought it would, but I’d done it.

I’d gotten 10,000 steps in for the day, done 3.1 miles, and was still going to make it home in time for the Dog Show. Oh, and all the food.

I could not have done it without Anna that day. She kept me going, never made me feel bad about stopping to walk, and was by my side from start to finish.

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I smiled like a goofball because I was so damn proud of myself. I’d set a goal and completed it. And I wasn’t lying on the side of the road in the fetal position (which I’d wanted to do last time I ran a 5K).

I got my banana, posed for some pictures, and smiled all the way back to my car. Later that morning, I looked up other 5Ks in the upcoming months.

2016 was the year I conquered Couch to 5K, and it changed everything.

2017 will be the year I am a RUNNER.

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Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

I do not judge those people who fill the gym on the first few days of January. Yes, it’s harder to find a spot and you may have to wait a minute for the machine you want, but good on them for making a change. And I hope it’s a change that sticks. For all of them. Except that one girl who was on the leg press way too long the other day. Rude.

Y’all that was me not so long ago – me trying out the gym and doing my best to begin a habit that hopefully would last. I made a resolution and stuck/am sticking with it. Just did it early, because as my dad always says, early is on time, but on time is late. I know that doesn’t really apply here but it could. Use your imagination and vast knowledge of metaphors.

When you last heard from me, I was at the beginning of the Couch to 5K running program. I was terrified because I had started (and stopped it) about 6 times previously. However, this time, I had the added benefit of extra energy via finally being on the right medication dosage, so it got less and less daunting the farther I got.

And wouldn’t ya know it, I FINISHED THE DAMN THING.

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BOOYAH.

And I ran farther than I thought I could.

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And even got FASTER. Slightly. Some weeks.

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WHAT THE HELL??!?!

To insure I wouldn’t quit this time, a few weeks in I registered for a 5K. My awesome cousin (who had just completed her first half marathon) said she’d do it with me. And so did my best friend (until she fell off her deck and messed up her ankle, but she’s promised me we’ll do one together soon). So there was no backing down. I don’t like to waste money, I was now accountable to two other people, and I was actually (GASP) enjoying my three days a week running on the treadmill at Planet Fitness.

Aside: I realize it may have been more helpful for me (for the 5K anyway) to do my training outdoors. Here’s why I didn’t.

– My schedule didn’t allow for it before dark.

– Nobody that could run with me was on the same schedule so I would have been doing it alone.

– Lone joggers get kidnapped a lot.

– Lone joggers also find dead bodies a lot.

– At least half of my neighborhood is pretty sketch.

– I wanted to learn how to breathe while running first because that was my struggle the last 8 times.

And week by week, I ran farther. Sometimes faster. Sometimes I had to stop in the middle of it to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I was counting down the seconds until I was done. Sometimes I didn’t realize how long I’d been running until the voice prompt told me to stop.

Running, for me, is the ONLY time my brain is completely calm. I guess since my feet are racing my mind cannot. I felt really good. I also felt pain in parts of my body I did not realize could hurt so bad. Namely – my achilles and my IT bands.

There were a handful of days I felt like this as I stepped off the treadmill.

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Also this.

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And little by little, I conquered the program. I got more and more confident about how I’d do the day of the 5K – conveniently the morning of Thanksgiving because ALL THE FOOD.

But that’s a story for another time. Next time.

Like riding a bike

David Sedaris has this great story about getting a Fitbit and basically how his OCD is mainly what keeps pushing him to not only hit his step goal but blow it out of the water completely. Give it a read after you’re done with this.

I got a Fitbit last Christmas. I’d been having trouble with my motivation since getting back to the world of the employed and needed something to keep me accountable when it came to working out – in the summer I’d been fine because, well, summer, and I think knowing I could go any time of day I wanted made it easier. I fit everything else in around the gym, rather than the gym in around everything else.

I wore it a lot, at first. And then quickly realized how sedentary my life was.

And then we went to Denver and walked literally everywhere. Like, such as, up a mountain. And down and back up Red Rocks Amphitheater. NBD.

That was the first time I hit the recommended step goal for the day. 10,000. Hit it every day we were there. And felt super healthy.

And then I came home, took it off for a shower one day and promptly forgot about it for a few months.

WHOOPS.

I mentioned in one of my recent posts that the past several months have been weird because I’ve kinda plateaued on my depression and anxiety meds. The dosage I had been on for years was no longer cutting it, so we were movin’ on up – in addition to doing some other testing to make sure that all it was was those unbalanced brain chemicals and nothing else.

So. Update.

I had some blood tests, they all came back normal. I’m scheduled for a sleep study – because my sleeping has been all fucked up – sometime in December, I think.

I started my new medicine dosage about 3 weeks ago, and… you guys.

I put my Fitbit back on.. so there’s that.

And then I started, for the 1931049th time, Couch to 5K/attempting running three times a week. Because I actually want to. I want to go to the gym. I want to go take a walk instead of immediately crawl into bed after work. I want to go to the Walking Bridge during lunchtime…

Note about the title of this post – riding a bike after you haven’t in a while is not that easy. Ashley and I did it in London after many years of non-biking and we almost fell at least 5 times each. And accidentally trespassed at least 3 because we couldn’t get control of the things. So yeah, that’s what running/medicating feels like for me. You get back to it and it’s weird at first – you get some good stories out of it – and then it becomes alright again.

Running’s still hard AF for me, don’t get me wrong. Because boobs and breathing, basically. But I’m keeping at it. And signing up for a 5K ASAP – looking at one Thanksgiving Day morning, in fact. I’m looking at getting some new shoes because my current ones are old and my achilles hurts after wearing them a while on my runs.

Aside – that may not be from the shoe, it may be from a fall I had on Oaks Night because I was drunk in a maxi dress. But to be fair, I look hot in that maxi dress and have also tripped in it a number of times sober. I was on crutches and in a knee brace for a couple weeks after, and I think that may have a little to do with the pain too.

I’m about to hit 10,000 steps in a day for the first time since that Denver trip – and upping the medicine dosage – and while I won’t be necessarily going to the extremes Sedaris did, it and the running/gym visits have become slightly addicting so I think I’ll keep it up.

49 thoughts I have had while at the gym

Can I just say, it’s amazing how much more motivation you have when you quit a job you hate and actually want to get out of bed in the morning again.

Two days after I left that job, I was a member at a gym up the road from my house: Planet Fitness, which I refer to as the gym for people who hate going to gyms. I say that, I think, because the only mirrors in that place are in the bathroom. That’s what it takes for me to like a gym. It’s bad enough I can see what I look like when I’m running and mouth-breathing in the reflection of the TV, I don’t need a mirror too.

Anyways. I go at least 3 times a week and I’ve made some observations during my time there, which I’ll share with you in list form below in a bit of stream-of-consciousness. Read at your own risk.

1. That man is riding the stationary bike in jeans. God bless him, that can’t be comfortable.
2. I should turn the TV on, even though I’m watching Netflix on my Kindle. No need to see what I look like whilst running.
3. This is the fourth time I’ve started Couch to 5K. Maybe fourth time’s the charm?
4. I cannot come in last at the 5K Sara is doing before her wedding and I’ve committed to because then I am the lazy bridesmaid.
5. Really? 40 other treadmills open and you choose the one beside me, lady having a loud cell phone conversation while she walks?
6. Thank God for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It makes me pay absolutely no attention to how long I have been running.
7. Peeno Noir. Midsize Car. Caviar.
8. Did all the other people around me just hear me LOL at this show?
9. I want to start a fundraiser for getting these old men workout clothes. This guy’s wearing khakis!
10. Why does your stomach feel weird when you run?
11. My biggest fear is a fart while running. Also a fart during yoga, but good thing I don’t do yoga, except for that one time.
12. My workout pants are falling down while I run. New biggest fear: Showing ass at the gym.
13. Titus Andromedon is my spirit animal.
14. I need to double up on sports bras when I run.
15. I seriously fought with myself over coming today and why? I’m always glad to be working out when I’m actually here.
16. Could I fit a treadmill somewhere in my condo? Would it make the downstairs neighbors hate me?
17. I am sweating from every pore in my body right now.
18. Week 5 is not as scary as I remember it being last time.. #progress
19. *looks longingly at stair-stepper machine* One day, I will not be afraid to try you out.
20. I could do the star-stepper today.
21. Better not.
22. I’m coming for you, stair-stepper.
23. Arm machines. Let me just move the pin from where the previous user did 110 pounds….down to….30.
24. Ooh this machine makes you basically stare at someone’s stomach while they’re on the elliptical. That’s not awkward at all.
25. My boobs are smooshed by it too, cool.
26. Let’s try 40 pounds on this one.
27. This machine isn’t too bad.
28. Tomorrow my arms will be like jellyfish tentacles flailing about.
29. This leg machine looks easy enough. Let’s do like 60 pounds on this one.
30. Holy shit I broke my butt.
31. I can’t walk now.
32. Back machine – I can do 110 pounds on this one, so suck it heavy-lifters.
33. Ludacris Pandora is distracting me from counting my reps because it’s so damn good. Every. Single. Song!
34. I need to invest in workout attire with some sort of pockets.
35. Will boob sweat damage my iPhone?
36. Another arm machine that smooshes the boobs. Whyyyyyy?
37. Just realized I was singing Eminem out loud. Whoops.
38. I’ve been coming here for two months. Why are my arms still this weak?
39. I should do kickboxing.
40. I don’t have the money to do kickboxing.
41. I know nothing about kickboxing either. Do you kick and punch?
42. “I like to kick. And stretch. And kick.”
43. I have 8 SNL episodes on my DVR. Should get on that.
44. Oooh and like 4 episodes of Dateline.
45. I guess I’m done. I think? I feel good, but sweaty, but good.
46. When I have more money I’m upgrading so I can use the massage tables.
47. That’s a genius idea to have those here.
48. Sometimes I just want to sit in that chair at the entrance shaped like a hand and welcome people.
49. I need all the showers.

On the downhill part of this running thing

If only I meant that literally.

I have now completed the official halfway point of the running program I’ve been using to get my ass in gear – Couch-to-5K, a nine-week running program that gets you from “Oh my God I can’t run for longer than 30 seconds without fear of dying” to “Oh, a 5K? No problem. That all you got?”

Allegedly.

Here at the halfway point, things are getting (knock on wood) easier. Today I ran for the longest amount of time (consecutively) in my life. Twice. WHAT?

No seriously. This is a longer stretch of time than I ran in any of the three 5Ks I did a few years ago on a whim.

Yeah…that was stupid. It was when I worked at the job before this one and my editor was like, “Do this 5K with me,” and I said “OK” and she said “Tomorrow morning” and I said “OK” because I am dumb and I like free T-shirts.

I wrote about it all on this blog before. And in a weekly newspaper I worked for. And it was when I tried Couch-to-5K the first of the four times I’ve tried it. And only got to week 2.

And with all this running I’m doing, I’m becoming more of a regular fixture at the gym. And y’all, the people-watching there can be great.

Weird things I have noticed at the gym:
– The guy that works out in jeans. There’s always one. Usually he’s old. There can’t be anything comfortable about that as workout attire. The friction alone from running in them could probably start a small fire.
– The guy that sits on the machines and reads the newspaper. I think he completes about 10 reps total the entire time he’s there.
– The woman who is entirely too dressed up to be at the gym. You know you’re gonna sweat, right? Maybe?
– People that are too motivated. Let me explain this one. I’m all for pushing yourself. And being proud of yourself. But if you’re on the treadmill next to mine and shouting/loudly growling encouragement at yourself during your run, it scares the shit out of me. And makes you look crazy.
– People who will talk on their phones like they’re in private. Meaning LOUDLY and unnecessarily. Like if you need to take a call that bad, maybe get off the stair-stepper. And also, if I can hear you over my headphones (when I have the music up ALL THE WAY) you’re too loud. Who comes to the gym and thinks: “Oh, this is a good time to catch up on some phone calls” and is convinced its a good idea?
– The Zumba group that meets in the back on Thursday nights. At least I think it’s Zumba. They make a lot of weird, sex-type noises. I’m afraid.
– Nobody will come into the bathroom when you are trying to change or when you’re in there at all, until you pull your pants down and your butt is out. Then the ladies just walk right in. Awesome.

Maybe the weirdest thing of all – to me – is that I’m now looking forward to my evenings there. I wanna see if I can do the next run on the app, see if I can surprise myself and keep improving, which so far I have.

And I just found out the dates for those races I did on a whim five years ago. I’m planning to do them all again. Because y’all know how I feel about those free T-shirts.

Will run for puppies

So I’m back at the running thing again..

And before you guffaw in disbelief or get to wondering how long it will last this time around, it’s different now.

I’m using Couch-to-5K, a program you can use through an app on your phone, for like, the third or fourth time now.

As part of the program, you are taken week by week for 9 weeks building up your endurance and running times. The first week makes you run for about 30 seconds, taking breaks to walk. And you gradually build up and build up until you’re running the whole time.

Once upon a time I got to week three. And got so scared of week four I stayed at week three for three weeks, repeating those days over and over. And then I quit. Yay for willpower.

Then there was this time, which has been different. In a good way. I started a little over a month ago, going every other day after work to the Y up the road. After each run, I’d do a couple of machines – work on arms one day, abs one day, legs one day, stuff like that.

Even when I had to take a week for one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to deal with, I got back soon afterwards, picking up where I’d left off.

It helps that I have two runner BFFs, one of whom is basically a ninja – read his blog, you won’t regret it – who have always encouraged me and this time was no different.

I decided to look for a 5K to sign up for because I knew that would make me follow through completely and keep it up. So, at Jennifer’s suggestion, I picked the Waggin’ Trail 5K in May that will benefit the Humane Society.

She and Matt do the race every year, with their awesome doggies – Hunter and Oreo. I think Brendan, their 10-year-old, has run it once or twice, too.

You see, I have puppy fever right now like some people have baby fever, and telling me there’d be a bunch of cute dogs at this race, well, sign me up. It also helped that they’ve told me I get a puppy for participating AND if I win. (Whatever it takes, ya know?)

I also think it would work if you just hold a puppy in front of me like you’ve seen with carrots or whatever to make me keep running to try and get it.

Anyways, I’m doing the last leg of Week 4 on Saturday and I’m actually excited about it. Because I was scared of Week 4 once. And here I am about to complete it.

I’m on track to be ready in time for the race and am already looking at one to do in June or July nearby.

Even though it gets super hard sometimes in the middle of the run, I haven’t once come out of the gym in pain and saying “I’m done.” And I love that feeling.

Running is a pain in the butt

You guys, I started running again. Of course, I say this on a night when my trainer and I decided to skip for various reasons, one of which being it was supposed to sleet.

But we’ve been doing great up until now. And unless there’s a foot of snow or one of us has a medical or other type of emergency, we’re going again this weekend, and making up for our slacking.

To be fair: It wasn’t running, but I walked my ass off last Saturday and Sunday in Disney World, which is almost the same thing. Don’t believe me? I’ve got the blisters on my heels to prove it. Or maybe that just proves that my shoes suck…

Regardless, I’m proud of my progress. The first day we did it – and it was the first time since I quit last summer – it was painful. And I doubted myself. And complained. Until Jennifer yelled at me and told me not to say that I couldn’t. (And I’m not even paying her for this motivation!)

I complained a couple more times after that, but it’s also gradually gotten a little easier. And I’m not in as much pain as I thought I’d be.

Those first couple runs were tough. My legs seemed to have no problem with this increased activity, however, my butt really hurt.

That’s never happened when I ran before, but hurting is a good thing after exercise, right? It means you’re doing it right? And if that’s the case, then hopefully keeping this up means the butt-leg I have will soon be no more.

Yeah, I said butt-leg. It’s that thing where it’s really hard to determine where your butt stops and your leg begins. The world was perhaps made aware of it when SNL did that “Mom Jeans” skit. Look it up. It’s about like that. Butt butt butt then.. “I guess that’s leg.” That’s what’s going on here.

But if the weird pain I feel after running in said butt-leg is any indication, the two will soon be individually defined.

I’m the weirdest.

Really good at not keeping up

Yeah. So about that running thing.

I’m probably gonna need to start over. I suck at a) running; b) motivation; c) life, apparently.

Just kidding about that last one, but I do feel awfully shitty for stopping. And then not starting again.

I don’t know what my problem is. I was doing so well there for a while. I had the time, I had the gear, and then there was a few weeks days of rain, some air quality advisories, some days where I couldn’t breathe outside and then I had other shit to do.

I feel bad. And like a quitter. And I’m gonna get back to it. I promise. I didn’t drop a good amount of dollas for some shoes I’m never gonna use.

The difference a week makes

Last week, I decided I needed to start running. Also last week? The first – and only – time so far this year it’s been 85+ degrees all week long. Good planning on my part, right?

It makes sense on paper – a nine-week program that will make up for 70-something weeks of none of what the program includes. But putting it into practice was a hell of a lot harder.

Was.

Now, I’m not gonna get all cocky and act like I can run now, because I still can’t. But I can tell a difference in a week.

Don’t believe me? Day one: After barely making it through the 30 minutes without several curse words and then pleas with God to MAKE IT STOP ALREADY, I just about crawled back to my apartment where I proceeded to feel like my heartbeat was coming through the back of my skull.

The program’s set up in three-day-a-week runs that gradually increase. By the third day of the first week, I was all like “Run for a minute straight?” NO PROBLEM.

Maybe you don’t think that’s a big deal. But maybe you also don’t run like a 97-year-old.

Today was week two, day one. And like it says in the title of this post (kind of) – what a difference a week makes.

They upped my running time this week, which meant adding 30 more seconds that felt like nothing. Until the last couple spurts. Because it was then I got a cramp and thought my ankle might break. (They’re serious about you needing to do ALL those stretches, kids.)

But the first two? Pretty darn good. Almost, dare I say it, pleasant?

WHO THE HELL AM I??

And though the weather was a lot better to run in than the hell on Earth it was last week, today I had to contend with holding my workout pants up as I ran.

Not that I can tell any difference yet, physically, but those pants weren’t sliding anywhere last week and I just got them out of the dryer last night so, naturally, they shouldn’t be moving all that much.

So yeah, here I am running with one hand holding up a side of my pants. After a while I just kind of gave up and pulled them up as high as I could (within reason) and figured if they slid any, they wouldn’t get too far to do any damage by the time my 1.5 minutes of running was up.

And I may or may not have had a bit of the CT at one point because of that plan, however, I was afraid to look. If you know what that stands for, then, well, that’s why we’re friends. Because you “get” me. If you don’t? I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Jennifer has suggested better running shoes, which I believe will be my weekend project this one or next.

I also need a better contraption to hold my phone – right now it’s in my pocket contributing to the Pants Avalanche 2K11 – and earbuds that don’t fall out of my ears.

This shiz is gettin’ expensive.

Well, that kind of sucked

I’ve said it before. And I will continue to say it until it’s no longer true – if we ever get to that point. I suck at running.

Seriously. Put me next to an 80-year-old man with a walker and he could probably beat me to the finish line. If not, our running styles will look remarkably similar.

Last week I sprinted for all of 30 seconds in a Derby event called “Run for the Rose,” where you have to run while carrying a tray full of wine glasses and try not to spill.

Any race where you’re rewarded afterwards, especially with an adult beverage, well, you can count me in. Plus we got free T-shirts.

I’ve documented a little of my previous attempts at running…like a few years ago when my then-editor talked me into a 5K the night before and I almost died like 9 times during the race. Not to mention looked like I was only running when I saw a cop (they were strategically placed along the route so Jackie would set goals for me like “run to the third tree” or “run until the cop can’t see us anymore.”) and was lapped by Hot Scott – my crush/a local police officer.

I did two more that summer, improving my time each go-round and managing to come in just about dead last all three times. But Swarles (Rachie’s boyfriend and no that’s not his real name, don’t you know by now we use nicknames here on the blog?) ran it with me and because he is my Best Band Friend and an awesome person, he ran ahead of me, finished, and when he saw me approaching the finish line ran to me so we could cross it together.

My close friend Jennifer – you may have heard me mention her before as I know she is one of the people who reads every single post and for that I love her – used to not be able to run either. At least she says that, which is hard to believe coming from someone who just completed the mini-marathon and wants to run a full one by her birthday in October..

She told me about Couch to 5K. Which I think I’ve mentioned on here that I wanted to start but didn’t ever get around to it. Imagine that.

A few months ago I started thinking I wanted to try running again when the weather got nice and I could do it outside, because I detest running on a treadmill, especially the 58-year-old one in the clubhouse of my apartment complex. Then, ya know, it went all Book of Genesis and rained for 40 days and 40 nights and well, there was yet another reason I gave myself that I couldn’t do it.

But lo and behold the sun has come out and it’s actually pretty pleasant outside – knock on wood – so after seeing Jenn’s Facebook status today announcing her intentions to run a marathon and hearing that my sister was starting this whole running thing as well, I thought “well, shit.”

Oh, by the way – whenever we talk about running, there will be some four-letter words like that. Mainly the one I just used. ‘Cause right now, it’s rough.

So armed with my one pair of workout pants, which I put on backwards when I first changed clothes (if that doesn’t sum it all up I don’t know what does) and the Couch to 5K app on the ol’ iPhizzle, I began my first day of this nine-week training that will allegedly prepare me to run a full 5K by the time I get back from London.

The app’s pretty cool, you can set it up with your playlists and it does this cool checkmark thing when you’ve completed a day of it and you all know how I feel about marking things off a list. It tells you when to start running, when to start walking again (you alternate), when you’re halfway done, and when the workout is complete.

Mine is set on a woman’s voice, who I’ve named Christine. Like the car who kills people in that Stephen King book. Because she almost killed me. Every time she’d say “Run, now.” I’d grumble, make a face and usually say a bad word. Near the middle of the workout, when my ankles started hurting something awful and she told me to start running I actually said out loud “Bitch, can’t you at least say please?”

I wanted to quit several times. And I kept telling myself that next time Christine told me to run I’d walk for that minute because I couldn’t breathe and is it natural to feel your heartbeat in your skull? But I didn’t give up. For several reasons – none of which I’ll tell you all. Yet. But they’re good reasons, I promise you that.

And regardless of the fact that I probably looked like a weirdo to all my neighbors – I ran around my apartment complex parking lot – and need to bring my headphones home next time, I’m gonna keep up with it.

Not too sore at the moment, unless you count my shoulder, which I think is because the sports brasseire was at maximum capacity (that’s how long it’s been since I’ve done a serious workout).

I’m saving day 2 for Thursday because tomorrow it’ll be 90 and Wednesday I work late and don’t run in the dark because that’s how girls get murdered. And I’m gonna make it a regular thing.

Part of the reason I’m writing this is so people know and will hold me to it.

And so that maybe this time next year when I’m trying on bathing suits I won’t want to jump off a cliff – or go to the dentist.

‘Cause when I want to go to the dentist rather than do something, you know it’s bad.