Once upon a time last week, my friends/cousins/sisters and I had a Girls Night. Originally our plan had been to watch Sharknado 2 together, because OBVIOUSLY. However, luckily for us and you, that plan got changed to the classic piece of cinema entitled “Magic Mike,” on account of the majority of the girls hadn’t seen it (travesty) and because of course girls night has to include ogling Channing Tatum.
Because I’d seen it before, and I knew that the reactions would be great, I took notes of what was said by my girls while we watched. Except for when this happened I got a bit distracted…
What follows is a word-for-word account of their viewing of the movie. Reader discretion is advised and names have been redacted to protect the filthy.
I wouldn’t be mad if he slapped me.
Wait there’s nudity in this?
I hate seeing boobs in movies.
Is this rated R?
That’s why we’re watching this. I heard the plot was really interesting.
This guys a terrible actor. (Alex Pettyfer)
He has a baby and he’s married. (Channing Tatum)
They met on Step Up.
What just happened?
I’m so uncomfortable.
Are you serious?
I can’t decide if this is hot or not.
That guy is from CSI Miami.
Whoa holy shit.
Isn’t that illegal?
Oh my god this plot is so predictable.
You don’t watch it for the plot.
In his hoodie? That’s not nice.
What if he doesn’t have a good body?
This isn’t cute.
This is what sex is really like. Shameful and embarrassing.
Did he just rub his nipple?
This is weird.
He stole their money.
You’re gonna regret this. What is she doing?
That isn’t anyone’s 21st birthday. You black out.
Is he throwing her into the ocean?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge…
Is your phone in your pocket? How are you gonna get out of there?
Oh my God you guys it’s a movie. And it’s about strippers. Shut up.
Are you a nurse? No I just wear this fucking outfit every day. What if she’d said that?
Thousands of women? More like 30. 37?
This is making me not like Matthew McConaughey as much.
Why does he have that on his head?
Why is he so good at moving his hips?
I have those shorts.
Oh I think they’re having butt sex.
Are you guys cuddling like you’re watching a scary movie?
Did he stick it?
Ooh it’s an elephant.
I love elephants.
Wait there’s a store just for this? It’s called Cirillas.
What if he needs to wipe multiple times?
This is the best stripper song ever. (Save a Horse[Ride a Cowboy])
He invited his sister? Why did she come? You gotta support your family.
She looks like she just got her wisdom teeth pulled.
You can’t throw your pants. Then what do you have?
This is so hot. I watched this like five times on YouTube one day.
He’s really good at dancing.
How does he keep his hat on?
Oh. My God.
I’m confused. They throw their clothes but do they get them back? Or do they buy new clothes every night?
Did he just take her shirt off?
Wait you cannot do that. That’s not allowed. That’s invasive.
He slapped her. With his penis.
It’s like Cosmo. They said do it like a penis pendulum.
He looks black right there so he looks really hot
He rubbed that shirt in his pants and threw it. I don’t think I would want that. I would.
He has knee pads on.
Is that Marie?!?!? (From Breaking Bad)
Ugh he is sexy in those grandpa glasses.
She is not cute. Why didn’t they get a cuter girl?
I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with her jaw. I think she might be a slut? Or a man.
They’re going to a sandbar that’s fun.
Oh she’s skinny as shit.
Where’s her ass crack?
That’s the girl that was in the threesome. Not everyone wants to be touched by her.
Her legs are 70 percent of her body.
[[[[[10 minute inappropriate convo]]]]]
Hey what does Mike have to say?
I love America.
Army men? Holy shit.
His pants are ripped. They’re s’posed to be. Cause of this.
Are they just hugging? What’s happening? He’s sad about it.
They’re so creative.
This is so fun.
All the girls that come to this club are hot. That’s convenient.
Emily’s like the Matthew McConaughey of this group. Stop kissing people.
He just wants to build furniture. And have threesomes. Like a normal person.
Guys. He’s supposed to be my age.
Stop calling her. Why don’t you just text her? He’s a gentleman.
I’m so confused by what just happened.
Wait who took drugs?
When did drugs become a part of the plot?
Sami explains drug part
Wait I thought he was like ‘Do you wanna get a place together?’
I didn’t see anyone doing drugs.
Real movie drugs get snorted.
You gonna shave your armpits? Her armpits look fine! That’s mean!
This is why you guys missed the drugs. Cause you’re talking.
Omg she’s pregnant? Who is pregnant? Shut uppppp.
Do you have duct tape?
Ugh see look how short her torso is.
Where’s her butt?
It’s cute they’re flirting he’s a stripper.
This is a sorority house — boys can just be in the basement.
Who called them to the sorority?
They have nice shoes.
The windows are open.
Those guys would not still be there.
Where’d they find clothes? They should always have backups in the truck.
I thought they were friends. Why are they fighting? Drugs comes between everybody.
They’re not selling drugs oh my Goddd.
Does he have a corset on?
I don’t understand why they throw money at them?
Why is there a music video happening?
I thought this was a harmless innocent movie about male strippers he was supposed to get equity.
They’re sweaty cause those drugs make you sweat.
The cameras aren’t slower. The people are.
That is a lot of skin to grab. That looked painful.
Is Glitzy eating his vomit?
She is such a bad actress. She’s awful.
Oh someone passed out and puked. That’s never happened. Let’s freak the fuck out about it.
He’s all messed up. He was wearing a shirt on the beach.
He did it for the ugly girl. That’s real love.
That was genius screenwriting.
I would punch him in the face.
I hate this person.
There’s always gotta be a host for the strippers.
Whyyyy those are expensive? (broken guitar)
He has real butt cheeks.
Do we like his butt? I didn’t look that closely.
Is that a double?
If I know Matthew McConaughey, then no.
‘Everyone praise my dick’ This is idolatry.
Wait wait wait someone just picked money up off the stage and threw it at him. That has to be against the rules.
How do they pick up all that money?
Stop hugging! You’re sweaty.
There’s so much hugging.
What are you doing here? With your vest on?
No, Mike look at her hair, no.
They’re gonna do it.
That was it really? That’s the end?
He just quit stripping?