New year, who dis

I’ve never been one to make a big deal out of New Year’s Eve. Sure, my friends and I have had some awesome parties for it and there was that one time on Bardstown Road, but really, it’s just another day/night for me.

I do try to think of a resolution of some sort – usually involving some sort of cleanse after the massive amounts of eating done during the holidays. And by resolution I mean like 25 things I’m going to start doing, stop doing, or do more of in the year ahead. Because #overachiever.

Then we get to like, day 4 of the new year and I haven’t done any of the things I said I would (or I have even though I swore I’d stop) and the anxiety kicks in. Welp, the year’s a waste. You fucked up. Set the bar too high, try again next year. Because I am nothing if not really easy on myself…

It is fun to go around the room before the countdown begins on Dec. 31 and hear what everyone’s best moment of the year was or what they want to do looking ahead. But for someone like me, who is a ball of anxiety at all times, it can also be a little bit stressful.

Now before you remind me that NOBODY is making it stressful for me but me let ME remind YOU that DUH. That’s what anxiety is. Hi. Welcome.

And it’s not like, the soul-crushing anxiety I get from other things like choosing a good Halloween costume or baking something (more on that here on the blog soon). But it’s me wanting myself to do better. To be better.

Don’t get me wrong, life is steadily improving for me year after year.

Aside: As more and more people I know are joining me in the over-30 club, I am telling them (and meaning it) that my 30s have been so much better and more fun and awesome than my 20s ever were. So, you’ve got that to look forward to, youngins.

But even though life is getting better – I’m getting better – there are still things that gnaw at me. Things I want to start doing: learning how to cook better, taking compliments without deflecting them somehow, giving money to the offering at church. And things I want to stop: being so hard on myself for basically everything, taking other peoples’ bullshit personally, wasting nice days indoors doing nothing.

And I don’t know if it’s the anxiety or the mild OCD or what, but for some reason I seem to get in my head that these things can ONLY be started/stopped at the beginning of a year or else they don’t matter as much. Because I AM THE WEIRDEST.

Here’s the thing though. Couldn’t tell you what my 2017 resolution was if I tried. Maybe I wrote it down somewhere? But I have no idea what my plan was for last year and if I accomplished it. Let’s say I did, just for fun.

I tweeted Dec. 31 that one of my goals for the year was to write every day. I wrote Jan. 1 and 2 but on the 3rd I didn’t make time for it. FAILURE. REDO. START THE YEAR OVER, RESOLUTION IS BROKEN. And that’s when I realized I was going about all of it the wrong way.

All kidding aside – my goal/resolution/what have you, for the past few years has been to take care of me. To get me better – mentally, physically, everything. And that’s been an uphill battle sometimes but I 100 percent believe that the person you see before you today is far and away more healthy than she was a few years ago. I’ll have a story for you soon re: dating that will show you just how much, actually.

I talked resolutions with my cousins and sisters at our family Christmas and everyone mentioned what they were going to try and do or not do this year. One of my cousins said her plan for the year was the same as it was every year – to kick ass.

That’s all. To KICK ASS. Not: “Make sure to eat vegetables with every meal.” or “Go to the gym 4 times a week.” or “Volunteer 40 hours a month.” It was simple. Kick. Ass.

That’s all any of us should strive for, right?

At church recently, the message was about purpose. And getting up every day and saying “Alright, what are we going to do today to live out our purpose?” And he wasn’t talking about your job, or your volunteering or anything like that. He was talking about “What are you going to do today to live out being YOU.” Because that’s our purpose.

And to do that, you have to first be OK with yourself. Be nice to yourself, accept that maybe you can’t do it all. But you can do some. And you can continuously try and get better every day. And that’s a resolution that doesn’t have to start or stop when the date changes.

So, I’m stealing my cousin’s resolution. And continuing down the path I started a couple years back. I’m going to kick ass this year. I can’t wait to see what that looks like.

Advertisements

Bring it on, 2010

Every year on New Year’s Eve, I kind of think of some resolutions, but I can never really nail down a list, much less take them all seriously enough to stick to during the year.

Then I realized it’s because I don’t make the resolutions tangible enough and they’re more out of guilt than want or need. Until this year. Everything I’m about to resolve, I am going to do this year. And why not? I can do it, it’s just a matter of motivating myself to make it happen.

Plus, 2010 and I have gotten along pretty well thus far – as of day 3 – so I owe it to my new friend to try and stick to my resolutions.

Some are more serious than others, while others are more of a work in progress than something I hope to be done by this time next year. But all of them are things I’ve been thinking about a lot lately, so why not put it in writing.

My 2010 resolutions, in no particular order are:

1. Exercise more. The roommate and I have scheduled a workout three mornings a week before we go to work. The clubhouse in our apartment complex has an exercise room and we don’t live that far from it, so we really have no excuses. I plan to do the 5Ks I took part in last year and this year I hope to do more running than walking in them. Which leads us to number 2.

2. Continue to better my time in each 5K I do this year. Of the three I did last year, my best time was in the third race. I’m not embarrassed to say it was around the 49/50-minute mark. Which is pretty good in my opinion for a non-runner. Even better since the first one I did, on a whim, took me 57 minutes to finish.

3. Work on getting my OCD more under control/not be SUCH a perfectionist. Since I’ve gotten a roommate, my OCD has been considerably better than it was when I lived alone. No more wondering if the door’s locked, the oven’s off – yes, I worried about that, suffice it to say I’ve got irrational fears, but more on that some other time – but there are still things I need to work on. Like how when the roommate isn’t here for the night/week, not checking the door and stuff to make sure it’s the way it needs to be. I need to calm down and realize what I’m doing while I’m doing it. And that I wouldn’t go to bed if I hadn’t locked the door, so if I’m in bed, the door must be locked.

4. Get some things accomplished on my list and add some new things to it. Several are attainable. And one is already paid for. I will be getting a massage – just got to decide when, because the parentals got me a spa package for Christmas. I can read the Bible this year, or at least start reading it/get a lot read. I can make a donation to a deserving organization, just gotta decide which one. I can run a 5K, or half of one, at least. And both DMB and John Mayer are coming to Louisville this year, so I can try to get good seats at either concert. I can go tubing this summer and I can work on my football throwing. I can also volunteer somewhere.

5. Save more money. There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to – part of this resolution also includes getting my DVD-buying under control, which should be easy since I am up-to-date on all my TV on DVD, for the most part. But there are lots of things I want to buy…flat-screen TV, laptop and CAR are at the top of the list. As is paying off the credit card and paying more on my student loans.

6. Go on a trip, preferably up north. I’d love to go to Boston, of course, especially during baseball season. I’d also like to visit my aunt and cousins in New Jersy and take a day or two to go to New York City. I haven’t been since I was in seventh grade and really want to go back. Plus I know a few people that live there now.

7. Have somebody to kiss at midnight for 2011. This New Year’s Eve was fun, if not random. It was a party where I knew about half the people there. It was fun, but at midnight I just kind of watched everybody else kiss. In fact, the only time I have had someone to kiss on NYE was Dec. 31, 2005. It was a friend who had come up to me a few minutes before midnight and said he didn’t have anyone to kiss. That one kiss though, led to about 10 months of confusion, hurt feelings – that was pretty much just on my part, and unnecessary drama. It wasn’t all bad, but probably more bad than good in the long run. My best NYE in recent years though had to be when a group of us went to Wet Willy’s on Bardstown Road. It was one of the craziest nights I’d had in a while and I spent it with three of my best friends. Oh, the stories from that night…

8. Calm down. If you know me, you know I get stressed. A lot. More than I need to about stuff I don’t need to worry about, most of the time. In fact, in the past few days I’ve woken up with a headache – how that can happen during you doing the most relaxing thing you can do is beyond me – and while it could be sinus problems, I’m sure stress is a little bit of a factor too, especially since the nights I’ve woken up with a headache I’ve had some crazy dreams. It’s not worth it to be so amped up and anxious all the time, so this year, I’m getting it under control.

9. Start freelancing more. Since I’ve been on the communications task force at my church, I’ve been doing a lot more design work on the side, whether its for my church or for part invitations or whatever. A lady on the committee with me hired me to design a newsletter for an organization she works with and they were pleased with the result, so much so that HOPEFULLY it will mean more work from them in the future. My grandpa wants to pass my work along to his church, because he seems to think they are in need of a newsletter overhaul, so maybe that could pan out. I just like playing around with different aspects of design now that I know more about it and putting together these newsletters for the two groups I’ve done it for has been fun. Plus, the extra money’s not bad either.

10. Be better at keeping in touch with/seeing old friends. Several of my friends live outside of Louisville and it’s getting harder and harder for us to get together. We’re all busy and personally, I haven’t been that great at keeping in touch as of late or meeting up with my friends, even those that live here in town. So this year, I’ll be taking more road trips – unless the car remembers its got 108K miles on it and craps out on me – and making more phone calls and planning more movies, dinners, coffees, parties, whatever, to make sure I can spend time with my friends.

So there you have it, 10 resolutions for 2010. These are all things I’ll be working on this year and hopefully accomplishing. There’s no reason I can’t. Bring it on, 2010. I’m ready for ya.