ANOTHER magical night

Once upon a time my girls and I had a Girls Night and watched Magic Mike.

Another night, we got brave and decided to do crafts and watch the best sequel of all time, Magic Mike XXL.

What follows, as before, is the unfiltered commentary overheard (from me by them) during the run of that beautiful film.

Enjoy.

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What happened at the end of the last one?

Is that awful girl in this?

Aw he has his furniture business!

I could watch him carry furniture all day.

He’s gonna drop it.
No he’s not going to ‘cause he’s a furniture specialist.

He can have a nicer car cause he has a business.

Pectorals.

I feel good about this scene.

Wait does Channing Tatum have bad teeth?

He should always chew gum all the time. Because of the jaw.

What if his worker guy came back?

I don’t understand?
It’s just about the camaraderie.

Wait where is Jacksonville? Is it on a beach?

This is the worst movie ever

This scene is lasting way too long.

Is he bandaged?

How is (Matt Bomer) not gay in this movie? He’s wearing a sarong.

What’s that? Molly?

(At the same time) It’s like ecstasy, It’s like cocaine

Is that Amy Schumer?

This is about to be weird.
This is about to be the best part of the movie.

Backstreet Boys, he loves them!

I would say “please clean up those Cheetos.”
He’s making a mess!

I’m not mad at this.

They’re littering so much. They’re gonna get pulled over for littering.

Is he asleep?

The car disappeared in the woods.

You don’t stay there for two days with a concussion. Or get oxygen.

They’re coming off the molly.

(Girl in uncomfortable pose) Whoa. Good for her.

TWITCH

I feel like she’s the lady in pirates of the Caribbean where you can’t understand what she does.

Oh Michael Strahan!

I feel like he should not have been allowed to do this.

He’s on television every morning!

Shhhhh. Twitch.

Pick up your money!

Oh god.

We have to listen to how hot this is.

Take your pants off, Jesus.

Childish Gambino: “he’s a magician”

I don’t even have a fucking clue what’s going on in this movie anymore.

Jada is a badass.
She’s a mom!
You can be a mom and a badass.

Do they sleep together? I hope they do..

What’s his name in this movie?
Mike.

Do they have to sign a medical waiver before they go to this place?

This is basically sex.

Rewind that so I can take a picture.

I got so excited I dropped my phone.

He’s everywhere.

He’s not picking up the money?
No somebody else picks it up later. They have somebody to do that.

Long discussion about Matt Bomer’s sexuality.

She looks like she’s dirty.
That’s ‘cause she’s married to Johnny Depp.

I hate everything about this.
Once again this scene is lasting too long.

Way to bring the mood down.

This part just really throws the whole mood off.

I’m so embarrassed. I don’t understand this scene.

This is a Christian movie.

Wait, rewind that. That’s the best part of the movie.

Every time they show Tarzan: Ew

Don’t forget your friend in the hospital!!

It’s taken them two days to get somewhere that takes six hours. They must have left on like a Tuesday!

Oh they got a new DJ to replace the dead one.

Lollipops – they’re gonna pick it up with their butts.

Are they gonna dance to lollipop? (sings old version)
NO NOT THE 1950s doo wop version.

Are they sewing?

I like this montage cause nobody is talking.

Myrtle Beach! Finally.

Her hair looks bad. It’s a low budget film

Typical. Racist. Sparkles.

I’m afraid they’re gonna be birds.
I’m afraid they’re gonna pick up the lollipops with their butts.

Oh god. Here we go.

I’m not prepared. Dear God.

Tarzan – get him out of the way first.

He is a bird!!

THAT IS SO MUCH!

D’angelo! OMG! That video – nobody? We are 30.

This is how people get hurt!

Herrow.

He looks GOOD in a tux (Joe Manganiello)

I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Why am I clapping?

This is the best wedding ever.

Suddenly I want a sex swing.
I’m getting one. How much do they cost? Do they sell them on Amazon?

She’s still in the swing.

How do you get to be an extra in this movie?

I want pleather pants – they sell them at Express.

He’s so hot.

This is absurd. This is the quietest we have been the whole movie

I feel like you shouldn’t be allowed to do this to strangers.

I can’t breathe.

Can we watch it again?

Twitch is hung.

I’m still not sure if this a competition or not.

Oh she’s still in the swing.

Yay he’s back!!! It’s Enrique Iglesias!

Remember when the swing came out and I didn’t know what to do with my hands?

Channing your life is still shit!

Tell me that’s the end. Yes!

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I don’t really care about The Dude

Once upon a time, I tried to watch a movie that seemingly everyone had already seen and said was awesome. And I just so happen to live in a city that celebrates said movie with a huge event. And I didn’t really like it/get what all the fuss was about. I turned it off less than halfway through.

Now don’t judge me, but it’s The Big Lebowski.

I KNOW. Travesty, right?

So I’m going to give it another shot. And stream-of-consciousness-ish/share some of my thoughts for you during. You may remember me doing this with another supposed bit of amazingness that I am not all that in love with.

Here we go.

Is Jeff Bridges narrating the movie about Jeff Bridges in third person?

Should I have gotten high before this?

This one tumbleweed is rolling on to the beach. Is that even possible? I want to see a tumbleweed in real life. I have lofty goals.

Nobody walks around in their robe in Kroger these days. I kind of wish they did.

I never understood why people dunk peoples’ faces in the toilet or pool or whatever and ask them a question. Can’t answer when their face is in the water. And you made him spill his milk.

Toilet dunking guy is Jacob from LOST. Whoa.

I do like John Goodman, and Turturro. And Jeff Bridges. SO in theory, I should ike this movie. But I dunno.

And Phillip Seymour Hoffman, really? Hmm. Why didn’t I like this last time? ‘Cause I wasn’t high?

Steve Buschemi is so unfortunate-looking.

“It really tied the room together.” I know that’s a big important quote if you’re a fan of this movie. Isn’t it?

The Dude has some luxurious hair. I like it.

Is this the old guy from It’s A Wonderful Life?

I think you should drink every time someone says “Dude” or “Man.” Is that a thing with this movie? It should be. I would have just taken 6 drinks in the time it took to type this sentence.

Tara Reid is in this. Seems to be playing herself.

Do people still bowl in leagues?

John Goodman is holding a gun on someone over a bowling score. He would have been tackled and arrested by now if this was now. Or real. He also has a dog there. You can do anything in California apparently in 1990-whatever it was when this was made.

Oh and the White Russians. I don’t wanna mix liquor with milk. Sounds disgusting. I’m lactose intolerant anyway, so… do they make White Russians with soy?

Is this whole movie about a rug? I feel like I would care less about the plot if I was high.

Speaking of, did he just put that entire joint in his mouth?

Uh oh. Tara Reid got kidnapped. Who cares? What’s-his-face from It’s A Wonderful Life does. And PSH. That’s Phillip Seymour Hoffman. Why must people go by three names?

Is this blog about this movie as boring as this movie? You should have gotten high first maybe.

This is the part where I was going to stop it the first time but there’s John Turturro licking a bowling ball and looking crazy and his name is Jesus so I felt like I needed to give it a few more minutes.

I do think it’s hilarious how mean John Goodman is to Steve Buschemi. “Shut the fuck up, Donnie.”

We are 26 minutes in (out of two hours) and if you’re playing the drinking game, you’re long passed out. Man count: 214. Dude count: 910. Has to be.

Is he listening to bowling on tape on a Walkman?

Oh and now he’s flying over the city. Yep. Definitely should be high for this.

And now the rug is gone again. Who cares about rugs this much?

Hey old-timey car phone. So much 90s nostalgia right now.

John Goodman is nuts. What just happened?

BOWLING IS LIFE.

This is where I turned it off last time.

Did he bring the whole car phone into the bowling alley? And it still works?

John Goodman doesn’t care about Tara Reid. Neither do I.

First his rug and now his car’s stolen? Dude can’t catch a break.

ANSWER THE DAMN PHONE.

This movie is weird. So. Weird.

Tara Reid, your acting in this is not as superb as your acting in Sharknado. YES I SAID IT.

This really is just about a damn rug.

Is The Dude wearing Jellies?

Jellies were the Crocs of the 90s.

That’s a finger isn’t it? Oh nope. A toe. Ouch.

“You want a toe? I can get you a toe. I can get you a toe by 3 o’clock this afternoon.” This is the first time I’ve laughed at this movie. I love John Goodman.

So I might have a new fear. Someone dropping a ferret in the bathtub while I’m in it. Showers FTW.

If you ever wanted to see this movie I can give you two words and you’ll know all you need to: Rug. Bowling.

What an impressive mustache!

I’m so confused. And bored.

LUPIN!

Lupin is creepy AF.

Every time John Goodman says “Shut the fuck up, Donnie,” finish your drink.

Two beers in 2 minutes. I should be drinking.

Bridges’ hair? Still luxurious. That’s all I got on this movie. Why do people like it so much? Like I wouldn’t watch this again probably ever.

Does everyone have stuff to make a White Russian in their house? He has one wherever he goes. I should go look upstairs and see if we do. But we have almond milk. #healthy

Yeah you definitely have to be somehow intoxicated to watch this. And you’d probably be passed out by now. I would. I almost am.

WHAT IS THE POINT

How this movie script was written: Coen brothers got stoned out of their minds and write down every single thought they had. Only explanation.

I am again not impressed. 36 minutes left. I’m going to try and make it. Just to say I did.

There’s Tara Reid. Not kidnapped. With all her toes. TWIST! But not really.

Aaaaand she wasn’t even kidnapped.

Back to the bowling alley. Anyone surprised? Nope. This movie is NOT GOOD.

This movie has no point. Its official.

There’s a man with a sword. John Goodman just knocked Flea out with a bowling ball and bit a man’s ear off. Crazy sonofabitch.

And now Steve Buschemi’s having a heart attack. I don’t understand.

16 minutes left. I wonder how much of that is credits?

Oh shit Donnie died.

“Let’s go bowling.” Really? REALLY?

The Dude abides. AKA The bumper sticker half the city has.

Well. That’s two hours of my life I’ll never get back.

Don’t watch this movie. Unless you’re blitzed. And even then, I’m sure there’s better use of your time.

A few of my favorite things

So. Once upon a time I started this series of posts called “Smiley Things” and then I realized that was a silly name so I changed it.

Basically, this is a collection – which I will do on occasion – of things I currently enjoy or have found elsewhere on the Internets and think are like the coolest things ever.

So here’s the rebranded Smiley Things. A little longer than usual ’cause I feel bad for being MIA for so long (I have a guilty conscience. I’m working on it.) And this post is complete with a bit of a tease to the next post I’ll be working on. (10 points if you guess what it is).

“You dirt-eating piece of slime. You scum-sucking pig. You son of a motherless goat.”

Amazing Muppet art.

There are decent people left in the world. Something that is always important to remember.

SOMEONE BUY ME THIS ASAP

What in thunderation? I will be working a few of these into my vocabulary. Maybe.

tumblr_mjrkrir78J1r2hltno1_500
The above amazingness can be found here: Disney Gents From Last Night.

I have a poster of the London Underground already, but this is amazing.

Have I ever linked to this? Even if I have, it’s necessary enough to be done twice.

All the single ladies..

A combination of two of the greatest shows currently on television.


“That’s so Reagan.”

Happy Place usually has some great stuff. This doesn’t disappoint. So glad that Kentucky’s not the only one that came up with that result.

I’d like any or all of these shirts, thanks.
shirts

As if I needed another reason to love Tom Hardy… 

New favorite meme. I would like to come up with a meme in my lifetime. One that gets all famous and whatnot. Wish I’d thought of this one, but I’d have to be MUCH better at photoshop than I currently am.

Beautiful. Hey girl.

For Sami.

Al Pacino yells a lot.

This is my friend. Not Justin Timberlake. I know it might be hard to tell the difference once you watch this.

My goal is to be on this list one day. And I feel like I could get there, since, ya know, this happened:
Screen shot 2013-04-30 at 10.52.14 PM

And like 20 people favorited it – 20 people I don’t even know. So, I mean, I’m basically famous now.

No future boxing career

Probably one of my biggest fears ever is the fear of getting punched in the face. Anywhere else on my body I feel like I could probably handle it – who am I kidding, I have the lowest threshold for pain in the world – but the possibility of ever being hit in the face scares the shit out of me.

Sometimes, when I see people get punched in movies or on TV it hurts me.

That makes watching this video particularly hard:

Just kidding, it’s awesome. If only I knew how to make something like this, I’d try to do something equally as awesome (even though it probably already exists, I just haven’t looked yet) like a montage of every time Ryan Gosling takes his shirt off in a movie.

Video round-up

I enjoy funny things. And amazing ones. Is it because I, too, am both funny and amazing? Perhaps. But that’s not what we’re here to talk about today.

We’re here to talk about some videos you need to watch. Some are from a funny show I think you need to see if you haven’t already. One is one of many that a brilliant person posted and damn I wish I’d thought of it. One is just because he’s beautiful. And the show’s good. The other one is the Muppets Movie trailer, speaking of which, who is going to see it with me?

Three words: Michael C. Hall. Three more words: WATCH. THIS. SHOW.

Drunk Kitchen. Found out about it on dooce.com, where I find all good things. First of all, this girl’s brilliant. Second of all, wish I’d thought of this. Third of all: She’s better at cooking drunk than I am sober.

The next three are from one of my favorite shows that I will get others addicted to – just like I did with LOST, How I Met Your Mother, Dexter…need I go on?



MUPPETS!

He knows me too well

Me, as I’m looking at our options for Netflix instant viewing on the Wii: “Oh, hey, they have 1,000 Ways to Die on here.”
Roommate: “You don’t need to watch that.”
Me: “But I’m getting better..”
Roommate: “You are. And that’s exactly why we’re not gonna watch it.”

The end of an era

So my love affair with Johnny Depp – the Depp that starred in such awesomeness as Edward Scissorhands, Benny and Joon, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, Blow, Sweeney Todd and the FIRST (only the first) Pirates of the Carribbean – is over.

Yep. It was good while it lasted, Johnny, but I can’t do it anymore. With the exception of Sweeney Todd, your movies during the past few years have just gotten progressively worse. I mean, really? Four Pirates movies? I’ll see ’em all, but really you should’ve stopped at the one. Two was bearable and three made me hate Keira Knightley AND Orlando Bloom – the latter of which wasn’t so hard to get to because he sucks so bad in Troy.

I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. So that’s why, this past weekend, when visiting one of my favorite families in Frankfort, I was beyond down for seeing the new cartoon you do the voice for, Rango.

I expected better from you, sir. I really did. It was lame! It kind of had no plot. And it was an hour too long and the two kids I was with, who really wanted to see the movie, fell asleep during it! I would have too but I drank an entire Pepsi while watching – which I should really learn not to do, but I was thirsty – and had to keep getting up to pee.

It was just…weird. And I’m a fan of cartoons. Despicable Me is one of my all-time favorite cartoons and it just came out last year. So I’ll give them a chance. And I gave you a chance with Rango, Mr. Depp. And you disappointed me.

For shame.

You need to see this movie, trust me

Rent/buy/borrow/download “The Town.” If you haven’t already, I mean.

Not gonna lie, probably the best movie I’ve seen in the last year, at least. It’s like Ocean’s 11, except badass. And in Boston, so the accents are wicked ah-some. Oh and Ben Affleck looks pretty good in it.

When I told people I’d seen it they thought it was scary, on account of several previews showed the bank robbers in creepy nun masks, a part that actually accounts for about 5 or 10 minutes of the actual movie.

Besides kind of making me want to rob a bank – JUST KIDDING – the movie really just made me want to move to Boston. Among the reasons – I’m a Red Sox fan and I want that accent.

When we saw the movie in the theater, Hope and I started practicing – like in the beginning when the camera pans over a bunch of boats out in the water. And I look at Hope and say “That’s the hah-ba.”

My horrible attempt at an accent aside, it’s a pretty great movie. And if you don’t like it…well, don’t get me stah-ted.

Tradition (just imagine me saying it like Tevye in Fiddler on the Roof)

In honor of that awesome holiday that’s only four days away, tonight my suggestions are going to revolve around some rules that I abide by and traditions I take part in during and around Thanksgiving. And if you do them too, I guarantee they’ll make the holiday even better.

1. Watch “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” the night before Thanksgiving.
My family has always watched this either on Thanksgiving or Thanksgiving Eve. It’s the only movie I’ve ever seen based around this holiday and it’s got Steve Martin and John Candy (RIP) who are both hilarious. And Kevin Bacon’s in it for a minute – so take note, anyone who ever plays Six Degrees to Kevin Bacon. Also, it’s by John Hughes, so you really can’t go wrong.

Plus there’s this scene. Which is awesome. P.s. If kids are nearby…. EARMUFFS.

2. Make green bean casserole.
It’s really cheap, really easy to make and delicious. So if you need to contribute to the dinner in some way, it’s a good idea. It’s all I can really do, I’m just sayin’.

3. Don’t put up the Christmas stuff until at least Saturday.
ONE HOLIDAY AT A TIME, PEOPLE. I can hold off watching “Home Alone,” “Christmas Vacation,” “Elf and “A Christmas Story” until my turkey’s digested properly. You can wait too.

4. Gamble.
Maybe it’s just my family, but when we all get together, usually some form of gambling or games is involved. Especially at holidays. Like Derby. Thanksgiving’s usually when we go to Churchill Downs. And lose money on horse racing for the last weekend the track is open until spring. Good times.

5. Watch the dog show that’s on after the parade.
Or don’t, I don’t care. But that’s what me and my sister and cousin will be doing. We give new names to the dogs and talk about how ugly some of them are. And decide which ones we want. And discuss how a male poodle even exists – they all look like girls.

On account of a short work week and loads more free time then usual, you’ll hear back from me more this week than last. And look for some lists – you know how I like lists – from me and some guest bloggers Thursday about what we’re thankful for. You’ll love it. Promise.

P.s. Hope you enjoyed Steve Martin and all the f-bombs. If you didn’t? Well…loosen up. It’s the holidays.