Everything I know I learned from television

Once upon a time – at my previous job – there was talk of sending a reporter to spend the night in jail to write about the experience. It never ended up happening, but I like to think I’d have done just fine if I’d been chosen. (I had a 50/50 chance as there were only two reporters there).

In fact, not long ago, a couple of my co-workers and I were talking about Orange Is The New Black** and they told me that they both were confident I’d survive just fine in jail/prison (there are differences, people).

**If you have not watched this show, you need to. First of all, it’s awesome. Second of all, I never steer people wrong when it comes to TV show recommendations. Third of all, the whole first season is on Netflix so you can binge-watch in four days like I did.

Between OITNB and repeated viewings of Locked Up/Locked Up:Raw /Locked Up:Extended Stay /Locked Up:Abroad, a few episodes of Oz, lots of Law & Orders and those three times I watched Brokedown Palace, I feel like I’m sufficiently prepared, should I ever decide to take up a life of crime and, well, not be great at it.

Seriously. I’ve made a list of the qualifications that would make me a good prisoner (at least in terms of taking care of myself). And because I got them hooked on Orange too, I made my sisters and Mom make lists as well. Who would last long? Probably none of us, if we’re being real honest. But here we plead our case.

I would survive prison because:
1) I am tougher than I look. Like, when we were younger (and sometimes it still happens, lets be honest), my sisters have to be reminded not to hit or pinch or hurt me because I will retaliate and mine always hurt worse.
2) I am a people-pleaser. I will at least be agreeable to someone’s face. Don’t like having anyone mad at me. And I am good at sharing…comes with being the oldest. You want my lunch? Sure you can have it.
3) Due to my repeated viewings of these shows about incarceration, I have learned how to be resourceful. I can most likely make shoes, a shank and some pretty disgusting hooch if called upon to do so.
4) Since I not only watch(ed) shows about the wrong side of the law but the right/other side as well (See: Justified, Law & Order again, COPS, Dexter, Breaking Bad, The Wire), I can help my fellow prisoners work on their case/appeals. Kind of like Andy in Shawshank. And even if I can’t, I know a lot of legalese/Latin that would make it sound like I knew what I was talking about. “Objection!” “Habeus Corpus” “If it pleases the court..”
5) I’m a damn good snuggler.

Reasons I wouldn’t survive prison:
1) I’m really weak so I’d probably lose any fight I got into.
2) My nose is really sensitive and I imagine there’s some funky smells in prison
3) I don’t like being told when I can and can’t eat.
4) I’d spend all my money on snacks instead of necessities to barter with
5) They don’t serve donuts in prison.

Yeah I’d make it because:
a) I’m a people pleaser, I wouldn’t piss people off
b) I’m resourceful
c) I don’t take shit from people
d) im short, I’ll go unnoticed
e) I ain’t no snitch

I wouldn’t survive because:
1) jail is too dirty.
2) I don’t like the shower situation
3) Probably wouldn’t be able to defend myself.
4) Not good at hiding my emotions, so that would probably get me in trouble.
5) rats.


Ode to a channel/Why I need to get a life

I probably should just leave the TV off before I go to bed. I’d probably sleep better. Or I could at least put it on the History Channel. That’s usually guaranteed to put me to sleep, unless of course they’re showing “Gangland” or something – because I’m not about to not learn how to survive should I ever go to jail. Not that I would.

Speaking of jail, though… you’ve heard how I think I was either a criminal or a cop in a past life. So that may explain why I like truTV. It’s got a lot of crappy shows, but there’s a lot of good stuff too – like COPS, Forensic Files and tons of those shows where you can watch videos of people breaking their bones or something else.

Oh, and Sunday nights they show Las Vegas Jailhouse. I never want to go to jail, btw. I wouldn’t last a day.

Anyways. That’s the channel I watch before bed. And it gives me crazy dreams sometimes, but mostly it’s just interesting.

Seriously, the intro to Forensic Files is always something completely off the wall that hooks you – for example, something like “Find out how a toilet paper roll, a pencil and a VHS copy of The Little Mermaid helped stop a serial killer.”

I’m not even joking. Sometimes those intros come up and I’m like, “dammit, now I’m hooked!” They can figure anything out through forensics. It’s unbelievable.

So. Here are a few haikus to show my love for channel 36 on my TV. I need to get a life, I know. Don’t remind me.

Forensic Files
Blades of grass can solve murders
Who needs blood or hair

TruTV you are
my favorite channel but
you should show Cheaters

Las Vegas Jailhouse
What to do when arrested
Keep your damn mouth shut

Shocking videos
Cringeworthy, but I still watch
They have a death wish

I’ll watch any day or time
Wish I had G4.