Closets, closets everywhere

You know that episode of Friends where Chandler finds Monica’s messy closet? She’s so annoyingly clean and organized in every other part of her life but she has this one closet in their apartment just full of crap that spills out as soon as he gets it open.

Here’s a clip if you live under a rock and have not watched one of the greatest television shows of our time and also because there’s never really a bad time to reference Friends.

I guess I kinda sorta have that. My problem is, I have multiple closets. I would also venture to say here that my car counts more in this situation because as clean as my house is, my car always looks like absolute crap – a fact which one or more of my youth group kiddos likes to remind me of/remark on each time they have to ride in it somewhere.

Every so often – usually after an episode of Hoarders, as I’ve mentioned before, but also when I start looking for something and get distracted – I’ll clean out some stuff in my place. Moving helped some, but not enough. (“I swear, I’ll probably need this someday,” she says about her notes from the Astronomy class she got a C in in college.)

Basically, my move from my apartment to a pod/my parents basement should have been a catalyst for some sort of big purge of shit I never needed in the first place or hadn’t touched since the previous move. But the beauty of a pod is – throw all that useless shit in there and you don’t have to see/think about it until you get to the new place and put it in a new closet or storage area. So…that’s what I did.

My condo is clean. And stays that way 94 percent of the time. But the closets are a different story. And it’s not even that they’re packed full and I can’t open them and stuff spills out and I throw something in and slam the door so there’s not an avalanche. There’s some semblance of organization at least. Stuff is in boxes. Or crates. Or giant rubbermaid containers. Or a purse I haven’t used since ’06.

And what bothers me is that I know it’s there. I don’t have so much that I’ll find buried treasures (at least I don’t think so, but hey, fingers crossed), but I have enough to sometimes think about it being in there in disarray and get a little stressed.

ALLLLLL of this to say, in terms of cleanness and de-cluttering in my life – my closets need work. So that’s where I’ll start for my first month of my project. Cleaning out/up my closets. (Cue Eminem..I’m sorry Mama…)

Phase 1 starts this weekend with some work on my bedroom closet, because it’s the smallest and easiest and I already basically did the entry-way closet but will have to go back after depending on how much space I create other places. And I’m going to clean out my dresser and nightstands.

Sounds riveting, eh?

The plan is to toss some clothes I haven’t worn since I moved in last May – and by toss I mean donate – and create some semblance of order in there. Not that it will stay that way, necessarily, but right now I’ve got dresses mixed in with winter clothes mixed in with T-shirts I don’t wear… And I’ll organize and clean off the shelves I’ve got in there.

I recently bought a hamper for my closet to use instead of the laundry basket I’ve had, and due to an error in ordering ended up with two – one of which now holds my shoes so I don’t have to see them on the floor. That alone has helped it look a little cleaner in there but there’s still work to be done.

I’ll post before, during and after pics next week, and keep track of any treasures I find. But the fact that I’m getting excited about the plan to clean and organize my room makes me feel like this was a good way to start my project. Ease in, as it were.

And since I’m giving myself a month, I’m going to have to get moving on the other parts of my place that need some work too.

I’ll let you know how it goes.


Subjecting myself to the grossness

I’m gonna watch Hoarders. For the first time in a few months. Not because I don’t like it anymore…but the last time I saw it there was a lady that ate something nasty that had been in her fridge for like, 10 years.


But it has been requested that I watch an episode and let you know my thoughts and being that I have Netflix with streaming episodes I can take my pick.

Can I first say, though… movies on Netflix are all categorized and whatnot, so this, of course, is under the headers “TV Shows,” “Reality TV,” and “TV Documentaries.”

Underneath that it says “This show is Dark.”

And smelly.

Before we get started, if you’re wondering to yourself, “Am I a hoarder?” My sister is asking herself the same question over on her blog. Only she’s just hoarding things like homies and cow photo collages.

OK, here we go. (I can now only think of that Bud Light commercial every time I say that/hear that).

I’m picking the episode titled “Gordon & Gaye/Sir Patrick,” because you know anyone who is referred to as Sir Patrick has plenty of crazy going in…even before the hoarding.

“We are not hoarders, we are collectors.” That’s what they all say.

Oh God, this is gonna be good. How did I never see this when it was on TV?

I think Gordon and Gaye live in The Shire. There is a lawn on their roof.

Cheese grater is in the living room. First sign of a problem.

Their adult kids never moved out. I’m pretty sure this is not their fault, Gordo.

“I’m not happy with it, my wife’s not happy with it.” THEN CLEAN IT UP! How’d you let it get like this?

Oh, next to the cheese grater is Tidy Cats. Obvi.

These people ONLY decide to clean when threatened with homelessness. Nevermind the fact that they’re breathing in cobwebs the size of their bodies every night and theres cat litter in the cheese grater. WTF. I will never be a hoarder.

Renee is 38. Lives at home. Watches Golden Girls on a laptop on her bed, at least I think that’s her bed, She may have just been sitting on a pile of purses. Thinks her family “just let it get a little out of hand.”

I like the irony of every single one of their comments: “We are not hoarders..we just have not gotten rid of anything.” (She forgot to add the word, ‘ever.’) “We are simply called collectors.”

OK, seriously, the mom, who is 71, fell and was trapped for 11 hours. That’s not “just a messy house,” kids.

Renee is pissed that after the rescue crews found out about the house, they sent inspectors out the next day.

“They didn’t even call!” Oh Renee, why does that matter? Were you gonna tidy up the place before they got there?

“There were 8 policemen.” Um, that’s three less than the number of hours your wife was trapped under the pile of shit you “collect” in your house.

There were cages in the front yard where they had cats. Of course they did. These hoarders always have cats. 900 of them.

They just said there was feces. That’s the point in these episodes when The Roommate gags just from hearing the word.

Oh, they only had seven cats.

Renee is a little nuts. “I will never forgive him for that. He took my smile away, the day he took my cat.” Liar, I saw you smiling while you were watching Golden Girls earlier.

No running water. And no functioning bathroom. WHAT IN THE HELL…………

Oh gross.

“This is probably the worst day of my life.” The day you have to clean your house so you can safely live in it? Yeah that’s horrible.

OHHHHHH SIR PATRICK. Hold on I need to rewind because a) he’s wearing a purple suit, purple hat and purple shoes, and b) I think he has 10 names.

Sir Colonel Doctor Patrick Donovan Flanagan O’Shanahan. No shit. I’m getting a pet fish and naming it that.

He just said he is King Arthur and Peter Pan. And he lives in Camelot. And drives with a creepy doll in the passenger seat of his car.

“I collect anything beautiful.” Which translates to “Anything someone sells for less than a dollar at their yard sale cause it’s crap.”

Samurai swords, creepy dolls, “anything that’s peaceful.” Um, that doll is not peaceful. She’ll kill you while you sleep.

Sir Patrick is now bankrupt.

Oh he actually got knighted by Prince Charles.

He has $100. Where did he get that takeout food he’s heating up then? Or the bluetooth on his ear?

EW bug in a glass.

He has 300 watches. I don’t even have ONE. (Fun fact: My dad’s argument against me ever getting a tattoo is “You don’t even wear a watch.” Because, you know, that’s the same thing.)

“Yes I collect stuff. Do bears go potty in the woods?” Yes, Sir Patrick, they sure do.

OK, so he lived in an orphanage and never had a family. Which makes me feel sad for him. BUT. Plenty of people have survived the same thing without becoming a hoarder and going bankrupt.

(Real talk here… I’m lonely sometimes, but I will never have this much stuff.)

He thinks everything in his house altogether is worth 2 million and if it’s not he’ll never recover. I feel like this is foreshadowing.

Back to G&G.

Where are the walls in your shower? How does that happen???

There it is again, “We’re not hoarders, but we sure have a lot of stuff.” THAT IS BASICALLY THE DEFINITION OF A HOARDER.

Gordon: “I’ll die here before I’ll let anyone through this front door.” Damn.

I am scared of Gordon. Also, he looks like George C. Scott.

He hates the shrink.

Sir Patrick is fancy. Wearing all white. He going to Diddy’s White Party?

Ugh its the shrink lady I don’t like.

Sir Patrick owns many kimonos, I think.

Bunny in a tux! Someone should make an I Spy game out of this show.

Sir Patrick wants to meet a lady.

Shrink: “The world he lives in doesn’t allow for humans.”

They wanna keep all this stuff. All I saw in that corner was Pepsi cans and trophies.

Ooh Renee’s a bitch! The organizer said “OK, well this is good, it’s not raining” and Renee said “not yet.” Also she smiled again. Again, her smile is not gone, as she said earlier.

“This morning it’s going fantastic.” Bet shit’s gonna get crazy later…

Gaye would like to keep a 2008 cat calendar. The important stuff.

Oh shit she has one of those grabber things that someone got at Game Night Christmas. I forget who got it, but don’t become a hoarder!! (But if you do, you’ll be prepared.)

“These are things we’ve collected and I’m not gonna let them go.” Empty Mountain Dew bottles?

Damn they’re being mean to the shrink! “She doesn’t want you in there, so stay out.”

Also Gordon looks like The Penguin sometimes.

Did Sir Patrick just say “Carmelot?”

Now he’s dressed as a jester? Oh wait, no. Geisha.

They’re just standing there and not doing anything yet and sweating. They must be in Miami.

Getting a lot of stuff out!! And he’s happy! Good job, Sir Patrick.

“I don’t deal well with negativity, so I eliminate it.” Way to be.

Oh now he’s pissed. Everything he thinks is worth 2,000 bucks is worth 200.

Gordon keeps giving the camera the stink-eye.

“A lot of control going on in this family.” Uh, duh. I know that and I only minored in psych.


Do NOT mess with Gordon.

“Why don’t we just take what we want and leave here?” As his wife cleans up the litter box – oh wait that’s a chair. A once-nice chair. USED AS A LITTER BOX.

Sir Patrick is not as happy today as he was yesterday.

Dolls. Are. Creepy.


“I’ve never had bugs before so why would you think it’s me?”
Because they’re in your fridge in your house that you live in by yourself.


Gordon says he is fine but I think he might be lying.

God bless these cleaning people. The shit they must see…

“The women are the hoarders.” SEXIST.

And they get the cats back! OK, Renee, stop kissing it. Also, don’t let them shit IN A CHAIR.

The inspector just said “On a scale of 9 to 10, it’s a 10.” I think you’ve got something wrong there, sir… that’s not a scale.

SO many bugs. Ew.

I think Sir Patrick’s organizer is Heather French Henry.

OK good, he’s OK.

Also he has two full sets of armor.

Not a happy ending with this one. Sir Patrick had a heart attack afterwards but is staying clean.

Angry Gordon and fam got kicked out of their house – it got condemned and they now live in an apartment with four cats. Bet Renee is pissed.

“They’ve refused all offers of mental health therapy.” Of course they have.

Hoarders a.k.a. my weekly reminder of why I like cleanliness

Usually when I watch this show I tweet about it. And usually several of my friends do, too. But on account of Monday was Halloween and we all had more important things to do, I watched late.

And I will make up for my lack of tweeting when it was on by writing this for you. This being my thoughts, unfiltered (but really, when am I filtered) on the show as I watch.

That way, if you’re not interested or get grossed out halfway through, you can move on, rather than watch me take up the rest of your Twitter feed for the rest of the night or get 100 notifications.

Here we go.

Oh cats. They always have cats. He lets them sit on his head. “I have probably 2 million of them. I accidentally lost count.” No no no no no.

Not one of these cats uses a litter box. And now he’s sweeping. Does not do anything. Oh wait, they have a baby pool to poop in.


The house is so bad the cats can’t even live in it. What?

Oh and he started when he lived with his mother – which he did for most of his life. “She was his closest friend, they went everywhere together. They went cat hunting together.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Also, this is how serial killers start.

“I went along with it because my mother had the opinion that they were like her kids.” Oh so she was nuts?

Cheefie is his favorite cat. What kind of name is that?

70 cats. Hell no.

“We could keep them in a controlled area.” Oh, the ceiling?

“They can be quite comforting.” Yeah, they look like it when they’re all up in the ceilings and the walls.

“If somebody wants to judge me, let them judge me.” OH I’m judging.

Now we have Vivian. Please don’t have a bunch of cats.

“My house is like a museum.” YEAH a CREEPY museum. She has clothes in plastic she “likes to look at.”

Her husband bought a house across the country. So it’s empty. Without her shit. I’d move away from those creepy dolls too though…

OK she’s making me sad. She has a son that got sick and then a son that died. But. I know people deal with things in different ways, but man, this is not it.

John (Cat Lady Man) has no furniture in his house. Just cats. Oh he has a bed..but yeah no furniture anywhere else. But he does have that poster of the kitten holding onto a rope that says “Hang in there.” Of course he does.


“This seems like a cat-free zone.” But yet, still smells like a cat pee zone. (See what I did there?)

He has 30. That he knows of. Cut to creepy shot of one hiding in the dark in the ceiling.

The one of ’em they’re showing right now is sick. John said it’s cause it hasn’t been feeling well because of the heat. Yeah, I’m sure that’s it.


Back to Vivian.

She wants her husband to stay in the house. THEN CLEAN IT UP. Throw most of that stuff away.

OK cat guy. Look out. The po-lice are here. And they think there are more than 30 cats. I’m betting they are right.

“We have cats in traps and loose cats.” Well that sounds official and such. Traps caught 17. There are gonna be so many more…

I don’t even like cats that much but this is horrible. People are crazy. How does this happen?

He’s unemotional. He needs to talk to the rat guy, he cried the whole time.

EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW. Dead kittens in the ceiling. Like I said, how does this happen?

The therapist just asked that question. “Some of the mothers were very private.” WHAT? Keep the cats out of the ceiling!

They all keep saying “ki-ens.”

No emotion. Next step, serial killer.

Vivian’s husband has an accent. I need subtitles. Or to turn up the TV, that’s usually what I do when I can’t understand accents. Does not work on the phone.

“They deal with problems differently.” I’d say so. He moves across the country, she buys creepy shit.

I know hoarding is a disease, but how? How do the people in your life let it keep going? Get them some help. It can be done.

I can’t decide which of these is worse, visually – John. Emotionally – Vivian.


Oh God oh God oh God. More dead kittens. And they all have fleas.

22 live cats taken out, 8 dead ones. Wow.

One died, now he’s upset. He was not upset when he saw all the dead ones they found. Seriously, dude.

Aw, Cheefie is really sick. And might have to be put down. Now it’s serious. Now he’s upset.

Vivian’s husband wears two watches. On the same wrist. What?

She also has lots of creepy dolls. And she’s giving most of them away. Good call there, Viv.

Vivian and Sylvester are gonna get divorced at the end of this episode.

“I don’t want these in here ’cause then I will vomit. I cannot do business when I vomit” – Sylvester.

It’s almost over – HOW WILL IT END????

They are catching cats with nets now.

They are taking pictures when they find the ki-ens like a crime scene. Foreshadowing?

Oh shit. He’s getting charged with animal cruelty.

Ew, I will never look at a plastic baby pool the same again.

Vivian needs to have a yard sale. She’d clean up. (NO PUN INTENDED..OR IS IT?)

Oh damn they cleaned a lot out of Vivian’s house. And they’re not divorcing. Yet. Unless she starts hoarding again I think.

John isn’t going to jail. Yet. Until he becomes a serial killer later and blames it on his mommy issues and the fact that some bad people came in and took all his cats.

And we never found out what happened with Cheefie. Damn you, Hoarders.

Fin. (end).