ANOTHER magical night

Once upon a time my girls and I had a Girls Night and watched Magic Mike.

Another night, we got brave and decided to do crafts and watch the best sequel of all time, Magic Mike XXL.

What follows, as before, is the unfiltered commentary overheard (from me by them) during the run of that beautiful film.

Enjoy.

———————————————

What happened at the end of the last one?

Is that awful girl in this?

Aw he has his furniture business!

I could watch him carry furniture all day.

He’s gonna drop it.
No he’s not going to ‘cause he’s a furniture specialist.

He can have a nicer car cause he has a business.

Pectorals.

I feel good about this scene.

Wait does Channing Tatum have bad teeth?

He should always chew gum all the time. Because of the jaw.

What if his worker guy came back?

I don’t understand?
It’s just about the camaraderie.

Wait where is Jacksonville? Is it on a beach?

This is the worst movie ever

This scene is lasting way too long.

Is he bandaged?

How is (Matt Bomer) not gay in this movie? He’s wearing a sarong.

What’s that? Molly?

(At the same time) It’s like ecstasy, It’s like cocaine

Is that Amy Schumer?

This is about to be weird.
This is about to be the best part of the movie.

Backstreet Boys, he loves them!

I would say “please clean up those Cheetos.”
He’s making a mess!

I’m not mad at this.

They’re littering so much. They’re gonna get pulled over for littering.

Is he asleep?

The car disappeared in the woods.

You don’t stay there for two days with a concussion. Or get oxygen.

They’re coming off the molly.

(Girl in uncomfortable pose) Whoa. Good for her.

TWITCH

I feel like she’s the lady in pirates of the Caribbean where you can’t understand what she does.

Oh Michael Strahan!

I feel like he should not have been allowed to do this.

He’s on television every morning!

Shhhhh. Twitch.

Pick up your money!

Oh god.

We have to listen to how hot this is.

Take your pants off, Jesus.

Childish Gambino: “he’s a magician”

I don’t even have a fucking clue what’s going on in this movie anymore.

Jada is a badass.
She’s a mom!
You can be a mom and a badass.

Do they sleep together? I hope they do..

What’s his name in this movie?
Mike.

Do they have to sign a medical waiver before they go to this place?

This is basically sex.

Rewind that so I can take a picture.

I got so excited I dropped my phone.

He’s everywhere.

He’s not picking up the money?
No somebody else picks it up later. They have somebody to do that.

Long discussion about Matt Bomer’s sexuality.

She looks like she’s dirty.
That’s ‘cause she’s married to Johnny Depp.

I hate everything about this.
Once again this scene is lasting too long.

Way to bring the mood down.

This part just really throws the whole mood off.

I’m so embarrassed. I don’t understand this scene.

This is a Christian movie.

Wait, rewind that. That’s the best part of the movie.

Every time they show Tarzan: Ew

Don’t forget your friend in the hospital!!

It’s taken them two days to get somewhere that takes six hours. They must have left on like a Tuesday!

Oh they got a new DJ to replace the dead one.

Lollipops – they’re gonna pick it up with their butts.

Are they gonna dance to lollipop? (sings old version)
NO NOT THE 1950s doo wop version.

Are they sewing?

I like this montage cause nobody is talking.

Myrtle Beach! Finally.

Her hair looks bad. It’s a low budget film

Typical. Racist. Sparkles.

I’m afraid they’re gonna be birds.
I’m afraid they’re gonna pick up the lollipops with their butts.

Oh god. Here we go.

I’m not prepared. Dear God.

Tarzan – get him out of the way first.

He is a bird!!

THAT IS SO MUCH!

D’angelo! OMG! That video – nobody? We are 30.

This is how people get hurt!

Herrow.

He looks GOOD in a tux (Joe Manganiello)

I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Why am I clapping?

This is the best wedding ever.

Suddenly I want a sex swing.
I’m getting one. How much do they cost? Do they sell them on Amazon?

She’s still in the swing.

How do you get to be an extra in this movie?

I want pleather pants – they sell them at Express.

He’s so hot.

This is absurd. This is the quietest we have been the whole movie

I feel like you shouldn’t be allowed to do this to strangers.

I can’t breathe.

Can we watch it again?

Twitch is hung.

I’m still not sure if this a competition or not.

Oh she’s still in the swing.

Yay he’s back!!! It’s Enrique Iglesias!

Remember when the swing came out and I didn’t know what to do with my hands?

Channing your life is still shit!

Tell me that’s the end. Yes!

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A few more of my favorite things

Last few months have been busy. But I’ve seen some awesome stuff here and there that y’all should see.

Guys solve girls’ problems:

Q: “Painfully tight bra straps?”

A:Put sponges under them, like those things you put on car safety belts.”

Q: “There’s a weird gap between my bra and my boobs.”

A: “Again, I feel like paper towel or sponge could solve this problem.”

When I have children I will possibly buy this audio book and this one of course:

Think I want to print/buy the one for my kitchen that says “Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this? Prison?” 

I basically love anything Kevin Spacey says or does at this point..

This. Just…this. We have to take mental health seriously. It’s so important.

I miss Breaking Bad so muuuuch.

Current/recent/near future mood:

Screen Shot 2015-03-04 at 8.25.35 PM

I want to adopt all of these dogs and to take pictures of puppies all the time.

You can totally get this for me for my birthday. I won’t be mad.

Berrie_GraphiteCameraDrawings_1000_ff420b6e-e4e9-4a86-9bbf-ef14cd19870a_1024x1024

Friggin’ brilliant.

Hearing “Stop thinking about it” when you have anxiety is like being told not to breathe. Works for about 3 seconds and then you have to because it’s all there is and there’s no way around it.

I would invest in like 89 percent of these ideas.

A thousand times yes.

findoutwhatyoulikedoingbest2c0aandgetsomeonetopayyouforit0a0a0a28like29-default-480x480

#writinggoals

90s dramatic television FTW..

This is currently fighting for first place with the video of the old ladies smoking weed for favorite recent video.

Sounds familiar

As I’ve said before – my Game Night Bitchezzz and I have a GroupMe thread that’s been going on basically forever and it’s the best thing to happen to all of us, ever.

The conversations that go on in there I couldn’t explain if I tried, and I love that. They range in topic by the text, just about, and I laugh out loud reading them constantly.

The texts below aren’t from the GroupMe because what happens in there stays there, but they’re close. Some of them a little TOO close. The texts below are the ones from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like my friends. I’ve shared those a few times with you at this point..

And here are the latest. Enjoy.

(+61): only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece.

(570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with “I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me”.

(515): Can’t a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?

(540): I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don’t have to leave my bed all day.

(773): please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

(403): Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally

(661): What a dumb baby whore.

(405): She’s like the pied piper of lesbians.

(717): Fuck that.  I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

(505): There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted “the pilgrims are here!” And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

(604): every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

(410): I’ve been drunk in my life. But I’ve never been “crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon” drunk

(202): there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

(920) This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won’t throw up but I might cry.

(563) I don’t want to jinx anything but I may have found the one
(262) Cat or human?
(563) Human

(813): He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

(303): My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because “I looked like I needed them.”

(267): Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?

(816): You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption “best friend”

(919): every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like “thanks happy birthday to you too”

(941): Thanks for coming over. I’m sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
(618):There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I’m at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
(972): If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

(585): PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME

(+44): This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he’s licking his headphone cords.
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(407): The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(248): After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
(305):And then my night got REAL pukey

(913):Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no

(919):I’m so hungover I can’t taste anything

(217):I get a little bitchy. We all know that
(920): Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.

(864): I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.

(201): Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?

(617): you wouldn’t let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled “BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT” and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
(508): it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10

(636): I’m the Oprah of jello shots

(972): I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.

(301): You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

(954): Cause I’ll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell “Cobra attack” and walk away

(989): I don’t want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.

Sounds familiar, special edition

A few months ago, my life was changed by an iPhone app. Not Candy Crush. GroupMe.

You used it? It was introduced to me by one of my best friends in an attempt to get us all into a group message outside the regular texts. It’s genius, really, because seriously who hasn’t wished for an opportunity to opt out or at the very least take a break from constant notifications in group texts? GroupMe lets you do that, plus you can like comments, post pics and video, have a big group in there, so naturally I pitched it to the Game Night Bitchezzz. They were apprehensive at first, but now I think we pretty much all are in agreement it’s the best thing that’s happened to our group.

The conversations in that group – I couldn’t recreate them if I tried. But they generally run the gamut from almost normal to who the hell talks about this and how did we get here.

That said, this edition of “Sounds Familiar” won’t be like the others. This special edition is basically what you’d see if you got involved in our GroupMe conversations. Any one of these could have been said in there – and may have, sometimes in the same conversation.

Love those kids.

Sounds like…the GNB GroupMe

(407) Halfway through the lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.

(314) Going to be a long day. Text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.

(606) Does the room smell any better?
(859) Yeah, I sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria’s Secret, if Victoria’s Secret was that she was homeless.

(616) Took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. I’m gonna puke at this wedding.

(203) Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can’t make that judgment right now.

(630) What eyeshadow color says “Yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don’t judge my life choices.”

(406) I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.

(425) I am thankful for thumbs.
(425) Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
(425) Land dolphins.

(314) i just tried to text you by typing “whoa” into my contacts.

(832) Get you some cowboy.
(832) In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.

(612) I got “plug” during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it.

(919) All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.

(312) His constant posting of “inspirational” Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It’s like holy shit dude, you’re almost 30.

(719) Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman i met on the bus. What are you doing?

(847) I was like kind of drunk but mostly just enthusiastic about Beyonce.

(541) Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy.

(302) I’m training the dog to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I’m going to be the coolest parent ever.

(805) Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313) Everything hurts.

(856) She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.

(513) She’s dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a “campfire taste”

(610) Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night

(318) There is a glee singalong. It’s on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape.

(586) If I ever have a kid with an outie I’m giving it up for adoption.

(518) So I’m going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way too many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me.

(330) WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING & FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND “hot shot 6th grader”

(585) seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs.

(734) The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!

(647) I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I’m just not a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus.

(816) I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when I deal with people. For example, right now, I’m grading, and I just don’t fucking care anymore. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.

(816) So apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. Am I winning college yet?

(518) I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are

(919) There is an alarming amount of food in my bra

(910) Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up you guys last night.

(647) Btw…I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don’t let me do tequila ever again.

(703) I think my cats understand what porn is. And it’s all my fault.

(815) You said you bright chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes

(559) They were arguing about who would hit the pinnate first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the pinnate and their hearts.

(317) SORRY BITCH CAN’T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.

(847) My day in three words: secret purse cake.

(269) “I wasn’t planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway.” — some guy on the bus with a chicken
(269) “Yeah, I only have nine toes.” – that same guy

(512) It’s just weird to think of you as a teacher since i’ve seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house

(425) So what are you going to be for halloween?
(503) A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus

(908) In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.

(815) I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
(317) Is it necessary to steal the whole car?

(313) I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my grandma. My dad was like, grandma says you’re all over fb but she doesn’t know how to use it. Of course I’m all over her fb. She’s got 6 friends I am her newsfeed.

(805) I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
(714) I could

(610) Moment of the night: You were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt my hand for me. This is why we’re roommates.

(512) You were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the “big chips” because it was your 21st birthday

(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.

(202) Vodka and jameson is not a mixed drink

(678) Actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.

(902) He managed to find a wheelchair and a super mario hat, now he’s rolling around screaming “real life mario kart!”

(334) We don’t have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. So that’s how my day started.

(219) I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!

(719) The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets
(719) This has been a party success story.

(812) I would take a bullet for Beyonce’s baby

(785) They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.

(785) SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE “METHLAB” FAVORITED THAT PICTURE

(806) Also I’m proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.

(631) Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
(508) I believe they call that patchouli.

(561) am i new drunk or am i still drunk

(219) Realized we were outta OJ, used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here.

(734) I think the only context in which I’d be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths

(407) I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank God we didn’t work out because I can’t be with someone that incompetent.

(870) Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
(1-870) I’m going to have to start taking your phone after 10. that’s when all the cat pictures come.

(714) GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST WOOOOOO

(613) We are 100 percent horrible people, and I’m extremely happy we are friends

(615) It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes

(+61) I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I’d change species

(318) Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It’s titled “Tequila: Still A Bad Idea.”

(201) There is soup leaking out of my nose. Nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

(610) I have vodka and a slip n slide so if you could come over that would be great

(516) She’s been with the dude for a week saying she’s in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY

(541) Aaaand my mom is wearing jeggings.

(480) Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.

(330) Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this Xmas?

(253) I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.

(+49) I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with “keep babushka safe” written on it. Fuck vodka.

(512) You kept running up to random groups of people and saying “I’m a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!” and they all listened to you.

(973) Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet. 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius.

(586) It’s a good night to get drunk in my ones.

(908) HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY HEART

(352) I’m walking home wearing Kermit the frog foot pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It’s fucking christmas!

(301) She texted me “with freud,” which I thought was drunk for “I’m with my friend.” But nope. She was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.

(310) Quick question, when did I develop feelings and how can I make them go away?
(626) That’s two questions.

(415) Feeling better?
(720) I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.

(832) I mean I’m not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle.

(702) God it’s like my stomach is full of drunk bees.

Self-esteem boosters with Sarah

Welcome to a new feature, here on the ol’ blog, in which you will hear the frequent “compliments” I get from one of the teenagers in the youth group I work with – an eighth-grade girl named Sarah.

She’s been on a roll lately. She’s unfiltered, which I can definitely appreciate because, well, people are amazed at things I say most of the time.

She’ll give me what she calls “compliments.” I wouldn’t go as far to call them that. But I appreciate every single one.

Most recently, I got this one after I started walking up the ramp to the youth room in front of her.

Sarah: “Laura, you’ve got a flat butt.”
Me: “I KNOW.”
Sarah: “No, but like, I mean that in a good way. It’s nice.”

Sounds familiar NINETEEN

Nineteen of these suckers? Whoa. Maybe at some point I’ll stop putting the numbers after. OR, I will keep going, until there’s like 103,290 of them. I haven’t decided yet.

In the meantimes, please enjoy these hand-selected texts that probably sound like you!

Sounds like…Me
(361) Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 a.m. What the fuck?

(305) Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at Target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.

(217) Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: If we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.

(765) I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

(678) Well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list

(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime…its that time.

(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.

(319) nothing says happy birthday Jesus like a shot with your loved ones.

(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.

(310) I do. There’s a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had two beers.

(631) I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone.”

(413) Today I’m judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It’s not looking good for me.

(502) You don’t lie about slip n slides.

(212) He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d’oeuvres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket.
(617) I will never doubt you again…he IS perfect for you.

(601) I just realized I use Twitter to keep track of when I get drunk.

(406) So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn’t actually happen. When did vodka become a hallucinogen

(954) You pretty much isn’t said it
(404) Those words don’t go together

(775) May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony’s sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.

(319) You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.

(905) Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said
“Good job you found me.” Drunk me is an ass.

(602) I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.

(802) Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
(401) Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

(310) Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?

(319) I have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying “pocket of champions” or something along those lines.

(815) Drink for every country you’ve never heard of.
(630) Fuuuuuuck.

(903) I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

(254) Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn’t what I thought it was gonna be.
(254) It’s TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54.

(603) The only people who have said happy valentines to me today have been 2 homeless people.

(607) Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has “Momma’s Boy” tattooed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

(419) Apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. Told him about 15 times that he was “really pretty”

(970) That’s cool. At least the punch line of my story isn’t I shit in a booth at denny’s.

(904) I need to stop drinking. Side note: We have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that.

(+44) I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of “trapped in the closet” complete with interpretive dance at my funeral.

(910) I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy

(717) Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. YOu have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717) Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the sock is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

(207) Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers. Miss you…

Sounds like…Rachel
(601) He was doing push-ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I’m not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.

(336) That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on.

(405) I wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

(267) Your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

(773) Why didn’t you say something constructive like “Stop chugging that vodka”

(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear”

(260) apparently I saved myself a memo last night titled “cake” and all it says is “I love it so much.”

(619) You assured me you’d make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

(858) The only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that
in 2 hours I’ll be drunk at the circus.

(850) It’s okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical
explanation: 5 martinis.

(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he
came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let
me be a lady.

(902) He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying “FREE
VODKA SHOTS.” He is to blame

(919) Coming to you live from the floor of my office…

(+61) I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was “The whole clam.” I hope that means something to you.

(303) Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into. Who says chivalry is dead?

(810) Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of July?

(773) You said you’d make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I’ll be expecting that Monday.

(209) Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas.

(506) I feel like everything in this room is sweating.

(412) Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 a.m.

(570) Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.

(513) I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m OK and back I love you goodnight.
(413) I stole a bike. Here’s a pic

(336) He obviously didn’t care that I was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater

Sounds like…Sami
(645) Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

(630) my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win.

(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast…oh to be a poor college student…everyday is like a carnival.

(706) I’m on page 4
(1-706) I’m on beer infinity

(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

(610) we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk

(303) It tasted disgusting. but I pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol.

(574) Should I go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
(1-574) Mariachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

(618) Just because your phone has a case on it doesn’t mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

(973) Did you see the video of me eating a marshmallow on fire?

(262) At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun.
(262) Like that actually happened I wasn’t hallucinating

(413) They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA.

(267) But theres a keg here and me gusta

(816) Where are you?
(1-816) Talk to you later, Gotta sled down these stairs real quick.

(321) Mom just told me I had to find a fake by next wednesday.

(250) I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30 a.m. Do you know what “UNS UNS UNS” sounds like at 8:30 a.m.? Murder. It sounds like murder.

(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.

(917) Idk but I can hear her singing “Call Me Maybe” really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now.

(402) I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground because one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don’t worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

(781) Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

(586) I’m drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.

(217) I just don’t understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

(443) I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night.

(772) SHe came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying “maybe partying will help.” Showed up to class today and puked three times.

Sounds like…Anthony
(617) I am puke

(610) I couldn’t wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night.

(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
(1-602) you mean pants?

(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

(734) If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me jimmy john’s

(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.

(651) You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

(480) In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered “America…”

(078) Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

(252) I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds.

(573) Bitch, I been trine reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

(208) I robbed the continental breakfast that night.

(205) I am 100 percent planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is
America. Work or no work.

(705) I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

(812) I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

(401) No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was “i fell out.”

(304) You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

(312) You kept making up “snapple facts” eery time you opened a beer

Sounds like…Jennifer
(402) He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet, singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don’t know whether to laugh or help him.

(716) Just learned how to deliver a baby. the things I saw tonight can never be unseen.

(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.

(401) I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.

(208) Please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.

(440)I’m at work. We just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. I don’t even know.

(704) Don’t underestimate her when she starts going by “the vodka queen”

(403) I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now.

(919) DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT?
(1-919) Oh God.

(662) So do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would equal s’mores?
(1-662) In some strange universe, yes.

(519) My neighbor is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now.

(250) How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??

(724) I did nothing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke.

(903) I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, I woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

(908) and then you looked me right in the eyes and said “I just really wanna pet some horses right now”

(785) Dammit. Bohemian Rhapsody is gonna get stuck in my head again. Fuck you Olympics.

(+61) There was a photo of his face glued to a life-size Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye

(970) You will not judge me for my made up holiday of wine appreciation day

(780) Just to warn you I probably won’t be able to do anything that involves standing up.

(978) You need a Twittervention. You’re better than this.

Sounds like…Liz
(704) Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

(416) Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.

(434) I’ve decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth.

(904) After tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.

(320) I’ll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

(781) I just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

(703) I wouldn’t take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

(412) I cried singing “call me maybe” on the way home from the bar. what the fuck.

(913) I’m like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I’m three for three. I’m on a roll.

(260) Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because
absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

(218) At what point last night did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

(701) does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

(973) Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

(608) We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.

(502) You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it’s about to happen.

(412) another day, another engagement, another cat.

(703) Ahh November 1st. National Untagging Day.

Sounds like…Sammi
(804) He drunk texted me to give me his number with the message “I gotchu pretty eyes” I can’t tell if he’s complimenting me or himself.

(724) I’m drunk and confused, there might be a four-year-old here

(815) I’m watching he’s just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.

(219) Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest ’cause he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.

(832) I got eye-fucked by an 80-year-old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

(954) My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted?

(706) oh my god I am going to vomit. And little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.

(709) A cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor and then
gave me his number

(217) Wedding update: no alcohol, 75 percent of people have left, no
one is dancing, no single groomsmen and it’s 5:30. I’m going the fuck
home to drink by myself.

(713) I just got carded by a 10 year old.

(337) Will do. If it all falls through I’m just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run through it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th birthday.

Sounds like…Ashley
(773) our cab driver is having phone sex

(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally, I made some new male friends.

(336) Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

(407) There’s a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.

(719) The girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case.
(573) WTF.

(760) She went to pee and I could hear her singing “Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers” from Bambi through the door.

(758) He kept waking up periodically throughout the night to bite my ear and pass back out.

(613) You got in the cab and told the cab driver “We only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast.”

Sounds like…Rebeck
(319) i brought red and green boones farm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone

(765) I’m embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. I’m also embracing the high probability i will not remember this night.

(614) Woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.

(831) I just heard a guy call his kid “Google” in a way that leads me to believe that’s his name. This day couldn’t get worse.

(520) He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie’s his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

(04) This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

(402) I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end?

Sounds like…Niki
(614) Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday.

(704) Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.

(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900-calorie PB&J. Fuck a serving size.

(812) IVs should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I’m dehydrated.

(630) Makers Mark. Chicken Nuggets in a blender. Smart.

(606) I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

(512) Just so you know, I’m standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

(972) I’m unshowered, and since I’ve seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I’ve decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 a.m. I’m crushing life.

(715) 1.Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

(313) we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles

(306) No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

(310) Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide

Sounds like…Sarah
(925) anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption “mAh DreAM caR” is getting denied as my Facebook friend.

(901) Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

(224) Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.

(701) Hey, I got 20 percent of the people home that I was responsible for. I can’t be expected to do much more.

(419) We can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.

(618) The cab driver said that we weren’t the worst shit show he’d ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

(920) sometimes when I’m drunk I choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

(480) Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

(310) I’m not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don’t know a better way to spend a hangover.

(616) I paid your cover too so you’re on the list as tits mcgee. You’re welcome.

(919) We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

(913) Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together. I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this.

(231) A guy wearing a shirt that says “eat shit and die motherfucker” just held open a door for me. He’s got manners

Sounds like..Stephanie
(708) For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night…

(304) Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

(443) My number one goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.

(775) Things I learned at work today: Do not put mayonnaise on a tattoo. It will get infected.

(201) They were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne

(469) I didn’t mean to leave you there I just didn’t know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.

(216) Every Thursday I draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who I will drunkenly text all weekend.

(708) I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.

(360) I think I accidentally made vodka pancakes.

What it’s like to go to a haunted house with me

Being that today is Halloween, I’m getting festive. Mom and Dad’s annual party is tonight – and we go all out, but more on that later this week. For now, you’ll have to settle with one of the funniest videos I’ve seen in a while. It’s from Ellen, when she sent one of her writers through a haunted house and had it filmed.

If you’ve never been to a haunted house/hotel/yard/mansion/field/whatever with me, this is about what it’s like. Only thing that’s different when I’m there? More cursing.

Sounds familiar IV

That’s right. We’re up to four.

You might have seen here at on-account-of.com – that’s right, the wordpress part is gone, I own that domain, suckaaaas – where I share texts from TFLN that, in my opinion, sound like they could be from me or my friends or family.

Oh, you haven’t? Well here are Vols. one, two and three.

And I’m sure there will be more. But for now, here’s the latest ones that, had I not known better, could have totally come from my (or my friends’) phone. Thoughts, suggestions for Volume 5, general messages of love and appreciation? Leave ’em in the comments.

Sounds like….any of my friends, couldn’t narrow it down

(537) This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed.

(908) But I did once see a show where a woman was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes, it didn’t look half bad…so this is me promising to you that if i am ere living in an abandoned school bus I will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes.

(714) it has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends.

(215) i cont stop tolling in a british axsent.

(304) you had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

(781) my bra broke, so i macguyvered that shit together with floss.

(940) i’m not 100 percent sure but i think someone gave me a bath last night.

(254) the night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to willenium.

(732) the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on.

(214) what the hell you updated twitter but didn’t answer my text. i know you’re alive.

(323) literally had 100 drinks last night.

(484) in retrospect – making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

(828) i just saw the host of singled out do standup. holy shit 1995.

(508) i guess i gave him a 20-minute play by play of the first three sections of R. Kelly’s Trapped in the closet.

(847) I think i have internal bruising from the poses we were doing last night. my own ribs hurt me, i don’t understand.

(336) why am i a bad person? you were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

(520) he just got home drunk. he ate five snack cakes, said little debbie’s his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

(417) was this before or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese and made it rain.

(859) did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring??

(360) it feels like jesse james cheated on america.

(216) i just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

(952) i had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as lady gaga

(616) omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90s shot by a jealous husband.

(609) wife swap. family of midgets. lifetime. now.

(925) make sure i look cute passed out on the couch

(310) fact: godric looks like david archuleta

Sounds like…between me and Anthony
(281) I love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy.

(443) where are you
(240) hypothermia

(316) also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I’m using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don’t really think that’s sanitary.

Sounds like…someone to or about Anthony

(205) he’s wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos “topless” since he took their tops off.

(518) he threw up on me. hugged my leg and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said ‘it’s like the sour patch kid commercials.”

(508) you kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like ‘balls of sandpaper.’

(229) you kept telling the cashier that this order was “to go” over an over. even though we were in the drive thru.

Sounds like…Caitlin

(805) for a minute i thought i needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then i remembered i’m in college.

(517) my roommate still talks on AIM. what is this, middle school?

(605) and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

Sounds like…Liz

(732) that’s cool. i just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

(805) do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

(609) why does hilary duff have a greatest hits album

(484) they have a vomit trough.
(610) what?
(484) a trough for vomit.

Sounds like…Rachel

(314) disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. remember that one.

(845) so i’m in a museum and there’s a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. colonial hazing.

(702) i just realized there’s an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache. sad.

(717) how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way?
(1-717) you don’t.

(678) the police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

(401)THAT’LL be a good time. and i don’t know why my phone always capitalizes that word.

(504) Penelope Cruz needs to learn american words.

(301) i kept saying “bloody hell” in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up.

(386) also i just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at target.

(973) obama just said the words “we’re all in this together.” i wanted to start singing high school musical.

(970) i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houston’s “i wanna dance with somebody.” you left on my voicemail.

(312) the maid of honor just puked.

(503) bahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someones name tattooed on his arm, crossed out and another name below it.

(917) she’s still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom.

(480) she looked like the bat from fern gully.

(303) can’t remember why i called but it definitely had something to do with lou bega.

Sounds like….me

(502) why is it people are always in costumers on cheaters these days? Joey Greco just said “it appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw.” wtf?

(704) apparently i had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

(770) also you were throwing your phone yelling ‘this is durable as shit.’

(502) of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.’

(720) so i just got diagnosed with swine flu. i’m at walgreens and i look like crap and this guy keeps staring at me. i’m gonna cough in his face.
(970) well don’t.
(720) i didn’t. i just coughed and looked at him menacingly. he got it.

Sounds familiar III

It’s the third installment that I know you’ve all been waiting for. Not for the Cha Cha Slide – just FYI, the roommate refused to dance to part 2 at Daniel and Katy’s wedding to make his point that he’s still waiting for part 3. No, it’s the third part of the series of posts where I take posts from Texts From Last Night and show you which ones sound like which of my friends.

You can also go back and read parts one and two if you’d like.

Here they are. As always, let me know if you agree or disagree with any of them or want to add some of your own. Or, if you’ve read some that you think sound like they could be from me.

Sounds like…the roommate

She is two pictures of Justin Bieber away from being blocked from my newsfeed

I don’t think Brooke has ever known best

I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

I just woke up surrounded by unopened snacks.

I forgot I ate a salad for dinner, so while I was throwing up in the toilet, i kept screaming “I ate leaves?? i can’t believe you let me eat leaves!”

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

And everytime I fart, I feel like in your heart you can hear it

Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she’s not a man at the VMAs

Sounds like…someone to Anthony

We went through the McDonald’s drive thru and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

You sang “shots, shots, shots” then walked to your top drawer and threw socks everywhere singing “SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!”

Thanks for making me watch you dance provocatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked good

Sounds like…Rachel

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
-engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate Draco.

Even iPhones love Lady Gaga. Everytime i type haha it trys to correct it to gaga.

why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album.

just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco while I played the Full House theme song in the background.

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because I thought I lost my phone.

So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips…like using her chip as a spoon.

Sounds like…CKR (including me)

And I quote: “where’s ya’lls from comin’ in with them accents?” – from a mississippi mcdonald’s

I think i’ve said don’t judge me 10 plus times tonight…is that a bad thing?
– yes
don’t judge me.

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, “Make sure your glasses and weave are secure”

Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed.

Sarcasm needs its own font

i’m drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.

We went to that German restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one.

I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind.

ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS WEEKEND…
There is a polo shirt epidemic at the bar. Also, I’m pretty sure I just saw the grown up coppertone baby.

Sounds like…any of my friends, couldn’t narrow it down to just one

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii.

Ash or Katie or Rebeck – if you changed “daughter” to “class”
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter

MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT

We walked into the bar in the Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

What ever happened to Devon Sawa?
-Who knows?
I’m really worried about him

I just saw some girl with the license plate “OBVIII..” I never wanted to get into a car accident so badly.

I’m 99% sure I saw a werewolf.

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter…how many you want?
-All of them.

I’m in the liquor aisle and a 10-year-old boy yells ‘My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?’

NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in a fight against lil Wayne and Snoop dogg.

this will be a night to untag.

I think I am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities.

today’s thought: if you’re naming your fb album “wEdDiNg dAy!!!” you’re too young to get married.

just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed…

there’s gonna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on MTV..WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

i know I should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelled “suicidal” wrong.

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as ‘tim the tool man show.’ People born after 1990 are not people.

I hate cats. They’re so curious. It’s not their damn business.

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here

Mario Lopez in the poor mans Ryan Seacrest

he just spelled fiance “pheancie.” i don’t think he’s ready to get married.

i actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.

I hate you. I’m listening to Lady gaga and I can hear is boca base om om om ommmmmmmm

There is an asian family here. I heard the mom call her son onyong.

Life just isn’t the same without real world cancun

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life

I feel like every car around me knows I’m driving in my snuggie.

A lady just asked me if you “seat yourselves” here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 minutes.

Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it’s not Zach Morris.’ I no longer believe in true love.

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better…I gave it an A+

I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.

OMG A WOMAN’S PROSTHETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

Have you learned any life lessons?
-I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?

He kept yelling “osteoporosis” and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

The best show I never watched. Until it was cancelled.

There’s a few shows people have always told me I should watch, but I never seem to listen. I mean, I’ll get to them eventually, but I already have too much to keep track of on the ol’ TiVo as it is!

Thank God for Netflix.

Because of Netflix, I’m caught up on a show I’ve been told for a long, long time I’d love but never seemed to get around to watching. And whaddya know? My friends were right! I’m not the only one who suggests TV shows to people that gets them addicted.

So what show am I talking about? ARRESTED DEVELOPMENT.

For the past two and a half weeks or so, I’ve been watching episodes on Netflix, and the other night, I finished watching the series finale. The whole time I was watching it though, it was like a drug. I’d be somewhere, thinking, “I’ve gotta watch some Arrested Development tonight when I get home.”

How cool am I, right? Yeah…don’t answer that.

But seriously. Besides Modern Family, it’s the only show I’ve ever watched (OK and besides America’s Funniest Home Videos, too) that keeps me CONSTANTLY laughing the whole episode.

Take, for example, this clip:

I don’t care if you laughed or not, because I’ve watched it three times in the past 20 minutes and almost cried every time. Just watch the show.

And somebody buy me the DVDs, I need a fix. Plus, the dreams about Jason Bateman have stopped. And nobody wants that…