Sounds familiar

This is the final entry in a long-running series – texts from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like they should/could be from my friends. We’ve had a good run, but I think it’s time I move on to other fun features for you guys.

So, please enjoy.

(609): I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.

(612): In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed

(703): Sexting is killing my work productivity but it’s okay because I’m self-employed

(650): Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

(+44): I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT

(408): Every person I’ve ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.

(774): Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum…. I’m LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.

(571): He’s nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you’re. I win.

(513): And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I’m supposed to be awake now.

(215): I convinced her that there were two p’s in Chipotle – the 2nd one was silent.

(773): Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago

(709): So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today….. at work.

(608): I’m still home, my life isn’t together. Currently drying my pants

(859): Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you

(708): THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS

(810): The power of my boobs compel you

(828): I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it

(321): A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever

(617): You just get me

(443): I’m the wind beneath your wings, bitch

(505): We’re too hungover to prance.

(305): I’m sad about how hungover I’m gonna feel tomorrow.

(403): Clearly you’ve confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.

(989): I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.

(508): I’m currently deliberating if I’m going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.

(734): Margaritas just taste better when they’re bigger than your head

(812): Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone

847): He’s interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us

(208): He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive 

(315): Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots

(612): A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.

(484): dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread

(847): I can’t open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchat filter

(256): Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I’m a fucking lady.

(720): I’m torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers

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Sounds familiar NINETEEN

Nineteen of these suckers? Whoa. Maybe at some point I’ll stop putting the numbers after. OR, I will keep going, until there’s like 103,290 of them. I haven’t decided yet.

In the meantimes, please enjoy these hand-selected texts that probably sound like you!

Sounds like…Me
(361) Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 a.m. What the fuck?

(305) Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at Target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.

(217) Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: If we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.

(765) I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

(678) Well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list

(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime…its that time.

(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.

(319) nothing says happy birthday Jesus like a shot with your loved ones.

(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.

(310) I do. There’s a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had two beers.

(631) I’ll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. “Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone.”

(413) Today I’m judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It’s not looking good for me.

(502) You don’t lie about slip n slides.

(212) He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d’oeuvres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket.
(617) I will never doubt you again…he IS perfect for you.

(601) I just realized I use Twitter to keep track of when I get drunk.

(406) So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn’t actually happen. When did vodka become a hallucinogen

(954) You pretty much isn’t said it
(404) Those words don’t go together

(775) May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony’s sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.

(319) You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.

(905) Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said
“Good job you found me.” Drunk me is an ass.

(602) I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.

(802) Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
(401) Those memories are both hazy and awesome.

(310) Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?

(319) I have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying “pocket of champions” or something along those lines.

(815) Drink for every country you’ve never heard of.
(630) Fuuuuuuck.

(903) I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

(254) Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn’t what I thought it was gonna be.
(254) It’s TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54.

(603) The only people who have said happy valentines to me today have been 2 homeless people.

(607) Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has “Momma’s Boy” tattooed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.

(419) Apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. Told him about 15 times that he was “really pretty”

(970) That’s cool. At least the punch line of my story isn’t I shit in a booth at denny’s.

(904) I need to stop drinking. Side note: We have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that.

(+44) I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of “trapped in the closet” complete with interpretive dance at my funeral.

(910) I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy

(717) Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. YOu have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717) Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the sock is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

(207) Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers. Miss you…

Sounds like…Rachel
(601) He was doing push-ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I’m not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.

(336) That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on.

(405) I wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

(267) Your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

(773) Why didn’t you say something constructive like “Stop chugging that vodka”

(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear”

(260) apparently I saved myself a memo last night titled “cake” and all it says is “I love it so much.”

(619) You assured me you’d make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.

(858) The only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that
in 2 hours I’ll be drunk at the circus.

(850) It’s okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical
explanation: 5 martinis.

(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he
came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let
me be a lady.

(902) He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying “FREE
VODKA SHOTS.” He is to blame

(919) Coming to you live from the floor of my office…

(+61) I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was “The whole clam.” I hope that means something to you.

(303) Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into. Who says chivalry is dead?

(810) Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of July?

(773) You said you’d make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I’ll be expecting that Monday.

(209) Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas.

(506) I feel like everything in this room is sweating.

(412) Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 a.m.

(570) Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.

(513) I’ll call you tomorrow. I’m OK and back I love you goodnight.
(413) I stole a bike. Here’s a pic

(336) He obviously didn’t care that I was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater

Sounds like…Sami
(645) Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

(630) my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win.

(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast…oh to be a poor college student…everyday is like a carnival.

(706) I’m on page 4
(1-706) I’m on beer infinity

(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

(610) we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk

(303) It tasted disgusting. but I pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol.

(574) Should I go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
(1-574) Mariachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

(618) Just because your phone has a case on it doesn’t mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.

(973) Did you see the video of me eating a marshmallow on fire?

(262) At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun.
(262) Like that actually happened I wasn’t hallucinating

(413) They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA.

(267) But theres a keg here and me gusta

(816) Where are you?
(1-816) Talk to you later, Gotta sled down these stairs real quick.

(321) Mom just told me I had to find a fake by next wednesday.

(250) I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30 a.m. Do you know what “UNS UNS UNS” sounds like at 8:30 a.m.? Murder. It sounds like murder.

(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.

(917) Idk but I can hear her singing “Call Me Maybe” really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now.

(402) I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground because one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don’t worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

(781) Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

(586) I’m drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.

(217) I just don’t understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

(443) I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night.

(772) SHe came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying “maybe partying will help.” Showed up to class today and puked three times.

Sounds like…Anthony
(617) I am puke

(610) I couldn’t wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night.

(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
(1-602) you mean pants?

(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

(734) If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me jimmy john’s

(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.

(651) You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

(480) In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered “America…”

(078) Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?

(252) I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds.

(573) Bitch, I been trine reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

(208) I robbed the continental breakfast that night.

(205) I am 100 percent planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is
America. Work or no work.

(705) I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.

(812) I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

(401) No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was “i fell out.”

(304) You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

(312) You kept making up “snapple facts” eery time you opened a beer

Sounds like…Jennifer
(402) He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet, singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don’t know whether to laugh or help him.

(716) Just learned how to deliver a baby. the things I saw tonight can never be unseen.

(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.

(401) I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.

(208) Please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.

(440)I’m at work. We just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. I don’t even know.

(704) Don’t underestimate her when she starts going by “the vodka queen”

(403) I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now.

(919) DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT?
(1-919) Oh God.

(662) So do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would equal s’mores?
(1-662) In some strange universe, yes.

(519) My neighbor is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now.

(250) How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??

(724) I did nothing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke.

(903) I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, I woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

(908) and then you looked me right in the eyes and said “I just really wanna pet some horses right now”

(785) Dammit. Bohemian Rhapsody is gonna get stuck in my head again. Fuck you Olympics.

(+61) There was a photo of his face glued to a life-size Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye

(970) You will not judge me for my made up holiday of wine appreciation day

(780) Just to warn you I probably won’t be able to do anything that involves standing up.

(978) You need a Twittervention. You’re better than this.

Sounds like…Liz
(704) Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

(416) Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.

(434) I’ve decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth.

(904) After tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste.

(320) I’ll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

(781) I just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

(703) I wouldn’t take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.

(412) I cried singing “call me maybe” on the way home from the bar. what the fuck.

(913) I’m like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I’m three for three. I’m on a roll.

(260) Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because
absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.

(218) At what point last night did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?

(701) does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

(973) Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.

(608) We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.

(502) You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it’s about to happen.

(412) another day, another engagement, another cat.

(703) Ahh November 1st. National Untagging Day.

Sounds like…Sammi
(804) He drunk texted me to give me his number with the message “I gotchu pretty eyes” I can’t tell if he’s complimenting me or himself.

(724) I’m drunk and confused, there might be a four-year-old here

(815) I’m watching he’s just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.

(219) Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest ’cause he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.

(832) I got eye-fucked by an 80-year-old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

(954) My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I’m accepted?

(706) oh my god I am going to vomit. And little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.

(709) A cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor and then
gave me his number

(217) Wedding update: no alcohol, 75 percent of people have left, no
one is dancing, no single groomsmen and it’s 5:30. I’m going the fuck
home to drink by myself.

(713) I just got carded by a 10 year old.

(337) Will do. If it all falls through I’m just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run through it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th birthday.

Sounds like…Ashley
(773) our cab driver is having phone sex

(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally, I made some new male friends.

(336) Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

(407) There’s a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.

(719) The girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case.
(573) WTF.

(760) She went to pee and I could hear her singing “Drip Drip Drop Little April Showers” from Bambi through the door.

(758) He kept waking up periodically throughout the night to bite my ear and pass back out.

(613) You got in the cab and told the cab driver “We only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast.”

Sounds like…Rebeck
(319) i brought red and green boones farm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone

(765) I’m embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. I’m also embracing the high probability i will not remember this night.

(614) Woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.

(831) I just heard a guy call his kid “Google” in a way that leads me to believe that’s his name. This day couldn’t get worse.

(520) He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie’s his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

(04) This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.

(402) I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end?

Sounds like…Niki
(614) Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday.

(704) Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.

(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900-calorie PB&J. Fuck a serving size.

(812) IVs should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I’m dehydrated.

(630) Makers Mark. Chicken Nuggets in a blender. Smart.

(606) I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

(512) Just so you know, I’m standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.

(972) I’m unshowered, and since I’ve seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I’ve decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 a.m. I’m crushing life.

(715) 1.Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

(313) we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles

(306) No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

(310) Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide

Sounds like…Sarah
(925) anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption “mAh DreAM caR” is getting denied as my Facebook friend.

(901) Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

(224) Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.

(701) Hey, I got 20 percent of the people home that I was responsible for. I can’t be expected to do much more.

(419) We can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit.

(618) The cab driver said that we weren’t the worst shit show he’d ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED

(920) sometimes when I’m drunk I choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

(480) Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.

(310) I’m not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don’t know a better way to spend a hangover.

(616) I paid your cover too so you’re on the list as tits mcgee. You’re welcome.

(919) We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

(913) Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together. I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this.

(231) A guy wearing a shirt that says “eat shit and die motherfucker” just held open a door for me. He’s got manners

Sounds like..Stephanie
(708) For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night…

(304) Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

(443) My number one goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.

(775) Things I learned at work today: Do not put mayonnaise on a tattoo. It will get infected.

(201) They were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne

(469) I didn’t mean to leave you there I just didn’t know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.

(216) Every Thursday I draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who I will drunkenly text all weekend.

(708) I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.

(360) I think I accidentally made vodka pancakes.

We can make a game out of anything

Seriously, we can.

So I have this group of friends/family. They make up a significant portion of my “net.”

We don’t have a name, really, like CKR, but we do refer to the group, usually, by referencing our hashtag we use to hype ourselves up for events where we’ll all be together. It’s #gamenightbitchezzz (With three Zs. Don’t forget), though it has been changed once to #weddingbitchezzz and another time to #bachelorettepartybitchezzz.

Anyways. We get together somewhat regularly to play games, which almost never seems to happen anymore, though we did have our very own Field Day event this summer.

We have our usual games – some of which involve drinking – and then we often play one of our old standbys, like Charades.

We have made games that don’t require drinking into drinking games and I’m going to explain one of them to you now. Maybe you can share with your group of friends and play it sometime. And if you play it as a drinking game, everyone wins.

OK. It doesn’t have a name yet, so I’ll welcome possible names in the comments.

Rules of That One Game You Play With Your Phone (And Alcohol):

  1.  To play this game, every player first needs a cellphone.
  2. Pick a Texter to be in charge.
  3. The players that is the Texter must make sure they have the phone numbers of all the others involved in the game.
  4. Every player also needs alcohol or some sort of beverage.
  5. When the Texter says go, start drinking. The Texter will be sending a group text to everyone who’s playing. You drink until you get the text.
  6. That’s it.

Yep. We made a game out of that shit.

It started one night while some of us were waiting to go see a movie. The Avengers, I think. We’d had a group text going before we got there and I guess that’s how it started? We wanted to see who had the best phone, so we started sending a group text and holding our phones together in the middle of a circle to see whose lit up first.

Yep. COOLEST KIDS EVER.

And we all had the same phone (except Liz, who voiced her concerns when it was her turn to be Texter).

And it was different EVERY TIME! So naturally, when we were all together at Derby, we saw an opportunity. Plus, that time we had alcohol.

And the drinking game was born.

It doesn’t have to involve drinking – you could just play to see who has the better phone.

It really is fun either way. And soooo much easier than acting out the word “marsupial” for Charades which I did once, successfully, LIKE A BOSS.

Sounds familiar XVIII

Really, these are self-explanatory at this point. And look, Steph, you’re included this time!

Sounds like… me
(352): You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.

(606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

(514): Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

(303): Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds

(502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

(303): im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival

(612): Do you know how to give stiches?
(1-612): I do not…this text concerns me

(630): There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

(443): He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said “it was just a burp”.

(719): And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
(607): I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero

(616): took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding…

(304): Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

(412): It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, “you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion”

(479): Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year.  Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.

(336): Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

Sounds like… Rachel
(772): The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001…..i will never question my eye problems again.

(970): i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houston’s “i wanna dance with somebody” you left on my voicemail.

(469): Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take

(407): I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

(817): You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?

(517): Here’s my first problem: I’m drunk

(303): why does he always try to puke into shot glasses

(478): I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.

(610): So I realized I’m not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

Sounds like…. Sami
(541):  Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy

(970): We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am

(651): I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.

(651): I also found a beer label in my bra and I’m pretty sure you put it there and said “this means I trust you”

(216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing “ill make a man out of you” from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i’d ever seen.

(+44): I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn’t get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said “oh dear” really calmly.

(714): Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.

(814): Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?

(217): I’ve started making all these amazing things…like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

Sounds like… Anthony
(604): I’d steal beers with my tail.  If I were a monkey.

(231): You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.

(262): Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?

(505): I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

(402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

(320): Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

(812): I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

Sounds like… Jennifer
(585): eggs and jello shots do not qualify as ‘brunch’

(978): And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

(508): I don’t think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you’ve ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
(512): That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?

(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.

(612): Also I’d like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.

(253): Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we’re getting a baby.

(608): I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.

(506): I feel like everything in this room is sweating

(330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock.  living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

(407): Don’t lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.

(408): I’m a little nervous about this St. Patty’s Day party. Seriously, we’re still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

(315): i’ll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
(802): you’re the only one i would trust to do that

(250): Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo

Sounds like… Liz
(316): its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

(317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time

(502): I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic

(412): I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER

(940): Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?

(267): yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.

(512): In all seriousness…vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.

(519): He’s hungover and at the neighbour’s garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.

(215): the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

(530): Maybe I’m a robot.
(831): You can’t be that drunk already

(484): we found you under the sink… we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

(915): Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.

(919): I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

Sounds like…Stephanie
(812): Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i’ve ever made in my life.

(843): The nurse told me they’re using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.

(480): Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.

(402): I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.

(208): Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up… not awkward at all.

(850): Male strippers are involved. You are coming

(513): Ok just don’t go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can’t take that.

Sounds like… Caitlin
(198): im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now

(913): You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup

(802): I’ve got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it

(913): I feel like a color. Like a wavy color

(443): Don’t try to dry clothes in the microwave. They’ll catch on fire.

(732): we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

(304): I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

(613): Sorry my hands just texted you

Sounds like… Sammi
(307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

(870): He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number

(765): I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.

(907): his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

(760): I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?

(970): This stranger told me I should “start playing for the other team” and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian

(562): I don’t care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff

(865): Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them “daiquiris”

(832): I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and “space consultant.”

(425): Is it a good time to tell him he’s getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?

(209): Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I’m famous in the country!

(907): This vodka tastes like I’m not going to class tomorrow.

(415): just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.

(907): Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame.  She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.

Sounds like… Ashley
(559): Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston

(366): just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.

(614): Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist

(682): Well we’re gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong

(562): Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

(860): My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

(203): you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack

(336): The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers.  A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I ‘have his back’ in a fist fight with a stranger texan.  And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif’s badge

Sounds like… Rebeck
(202): Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?

(704): She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn’t move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant’s face and said “I have a bag of sickness!”  I’ve never seen a cart move that fast.

(317): No night ever ends well that starts with “you know what this needs? More tequila”.

(760): No. I heard a cover of “my heart will go on”. This is not sanity.

(814): I can’t wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.

(978):  The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

(540): She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

(502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It’s not looking good for milk in my life anymore

(304): “So you think you can dance” turned into “so you think you can run and slide across the bar”…Jack Daniels wins

(978): Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar

Sounds familiar, vol. XVII

I’m digging out from vacation/wedding number 1/catching up everywhere else and in the midst of working on a slew of things to post for you in the next couple of weeks. So for now, you’ll have to make do with this.

I’m sure you’re upset. So I made it a little longer than usual to make up for my absence.

Sounds like…me
(805) the only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.

(850) If you wondered to yourself today “Did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children,” the answer is yes.

(906) I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can I call you?

(570) You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.

(573) Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

(810) He’s flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell…I have no words.

(506) I am a mess. Weirdest thing. I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.

(605) Maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counteracts a hangover.

(309) I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

(+44) I’m sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn’t my fault. No one was enforcing discipline so not really my fault for not behaving.

(+44) If I had to summarize my weekend I would do so using the words “Horrifying romanian moonshine.”

(609) The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes.

(610) Hahaha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am

(641) TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

(217) Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you.

(240) This kid is drunk.
(410) I hope by “this kid” you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.

(607) I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength

(360) DIN’T JUSGE NE

(862) He put a lighter in my cleavage and said “You’re like another pocket!”

(215) I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory…
(1-215) Just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream “IT’S IN THE CHEESECAKE!!”

(503) Did I change midway through last night?
(206) Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking

(407) And if I hated you I’d probably say things like, “I never want to speak to you again” or “Eat a bag of dicks.” That’s how you’d know.

(925) It’s that thing where you don’t have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.

(415) I am broke enough to accept it. If i get poisoned, you can have my shoes.

(404) Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka.

(770) I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on Facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

(631) Speaking of creep.. love how i kept touching strangers faces at the bar… and saying “Don’t worry I’m a dermatologist”

(610) I have been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
(908) Somehow you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

(814) I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St. Pattys Day.

(613) I woke up on your bathroom floor, I used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero.

(608): You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen.  Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left.  You deserve a medal.

(207): I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does

(214): Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

(207): Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.

(814): I really wasn’t that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
(724): When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

Sounds like…Rachel
(+44) At one point we asked the guy to play “the lion sleeps tonight” with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

(905) It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner.

(954) Vodka and eggs at 9:30 a.m. = thank you, america.

(727) I automatically know you’re drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish.

(909) Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They’re perfect flipping cups…

(605) Tonight’s drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.

(440) Maybe if I keep dancing I won’t throw up.

(907) started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

(404) Did you see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?

(360) It looks like I sent you four failed attempts at the word “hey.” Sorry about that.

(973) They’re showing aladdin at the bar, my birthday is complete.

(610) This speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.

(443) I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.

(805) Someone threw a dead crab at me.

(847) Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?

(978) I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore… or now would be good.

(248) My eyes feel like they’re throwing up and I’m the only human on campus.

(787) I’ve been trying to brush my teeth for 20 minutes now…mother of hangovers.

(610) I just made a 90s Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix…I don’t want to build it up but your head might explode.

(519): We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs…… I won by the way.

(714): i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero…its cinco de mayo

(314): i wish starbucks made bloody marys

(516): remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.

(781): The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
(781): I love boston

Sounds like…Sami
(206) I feel like I’m in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death.

(314) I think mom knows I’m drunk. I pul a full blown balloon in the fridge.

(409) You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your “ship” because you were the captain. It was cool though. You let me be your first mate.

(401) She threw up a whole curly fry. A WHOLE CURLY FRY.

(+44) Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Don’t know if anyone actually attempted it though.

(603) Yeah I’m about to go down a water slide that comes out of a second story window. I love college.

(305) I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.

(719) Singing High School Musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

(269) “I wasn’t planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway.” – Some guy on the bus with a chicken.
(269) “Yeah, I only have nine toes.” – that same guy.

(567) for future reference, twizzlers can leave welts

(617) college: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking

(920) Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

(706) We were walking and you spelled the word “oats” to prove you weren’t drunk.

(412) Annnnd this chick is using a hand puppet made out of a sock to give her research presentation…

(203): these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,

(603): Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing…

Sounds like…Anthony
(608) Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.

(215) I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning.
(215) My face left an imprint on the loaf.

(757) You were buying shots for everyone, saying “I got a tax refund. I’m a MILLIONAIRE.”

(717) If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm regards, your roommate

(814) just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.

(304) You spilled spaghetti on the floor and kept telling the noodles to “settle down” as you tried to clean it up.

(703) You didn’t act like you were blacked out yesterday…
(410) I didn’t know

(228) He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room.

(407) Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transferring money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, I knew what I was doing.

(845) Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.

(407) She looked like Meryl Streep on Quaaludes at a wine tasting during the Great Depression.

(506) At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which “six flags” we were at.

(407) If I theoretically had to put an IV back in what do I need to do?

(580) He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.

(306) You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald’s for a double quarter pounder. I’d say you’ve more than filled your drunken meat quota.

(507) YOu insisted on going outside so you could “breathe real air.”

(607) I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with a chipped tooth.

(780) We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling “WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!”

(248) I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars I went to last night

(540) I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.

(817) You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target

(330) He drank a monster margarita at dinner. Had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

(918) Kanye’s agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.

(704) There’s a 35 percent chance I’m still residually drunk from last night.
(904) And you say you’re not good with numbers….

(907): How are you feeling today?
(330): i could’ve thrown up on command at any point today…

(952): True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.

(270): I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

(765): Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
(1-765): The power was out.

(917): He kept yelling “osteoporosis” and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

Sounds like… Sammi
(774) I have whisky and jager. There’s no telling what kind of monster will emerge.

(307) they wouldn’t let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel.

(404) What’s the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?

(763) He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

(870) He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number.

(601) K. On the way. I need a drink.
(904) Like a drink drink or like water?
(601) Have we met?

(573) Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you.

(224) I won’t be hard to find. I’m wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

(973) He gave me a love letter in polish. He thinks I speak polish. I DON’T SPEAK POLISH.

(630) I’m never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.

(831) he brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date…I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place… A toothbrush??!!

(330) Just found my diary from when I was 14. I demand a drinking game out of this.

(305) One day. I will touch his hair. I’m curious if it’ll be like a soft cloud.

(859) he tired to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club

(215) Judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter there will be 8.5 galloons of tequila drunk this weekend.
(609) sounds about right

(484) In a weird way, I don’t want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what’s wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?

(847) As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for Captain Morgan, I thought it’d be best to leave.

(917) I don’t think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins.

(561) I’m sorry, when did “I like your shit” become an acceptable pickup line?

(773) Before I die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. And they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentery, or hunting accident

(631) Everytime she opens her mouth it’s like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

(484) You shouted “FUCK SHANIA TWAIN” and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine. None of us knew how to react.

(201): A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he’s a pilot, so he’ll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.

(781): Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.

(219): I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

(957): I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said “drink up, bitches” …please tell me that can be us some day.

(623): Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.

(917): its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.

(317): Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar

Sounds like…Rebeck
(315) Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. It’s like the great depression over here.

(618) Just bartered a McD’s cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain’t got shit on me.

(765) Well, between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, I lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

(918) What’d you guys eat?
(1-918) Literally everything that was frozen.

(573) We played shuffleboard at the bar last night…another sign we are getting too old.

(315) Careful of the bathroom. There’s some drunken ninja turtles in there…

(212) Katie told the cabby “When the boat docks I’m getting off with you.”

(760) Houston, we have a blender.

(204) I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours so no judgment here.

(423) There’s Jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.

(301) I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand.

(818) Now I’ll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.

(304) I’m more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats

(661) I’ve cried into many a lonely burrito

(919): It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.

(732): I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

(917): I think I just saw someone hide a body.

(425): I just got a facebook invite to join a group called “bring back the old franzia spout.” i never want our generation to grow up.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(626) Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
(1-626) This is why you don’t have nice things.

(630) The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.

(206) I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to God it smelled like franzia.

(719) Just had a 40 minute argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

(781) You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar.

(404) I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day.

(707) I just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone else’s.

(813) she loves me even though she knows all I’ve done. She’s kind of like jesus.

(713) Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.

(928) You know its bad when I can already feel tomorrow’s hangover before drinking today.

(337) By the way, I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.

(204) I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more than we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink…a lot.
(1-204) I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship.

(360) Someone got day drunk, but I’m not saying who.
(360) It was me.

(914) He threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. I’m not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.

(217) I’m pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.

(945) Don’t ever try to run hungover. Just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. They were horrified.

(519) There are very few times I will succumb to lying naked on my bathroom floor. But last night is a reasonable enough cause.

(503) You laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub.

(208): Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn’t a risk I’m willing to take

(619): there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly

(507): Okay I’m all about any plan that ends with “We’re gonna get you drunk.”

(330): I’m going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.

Sounds like…Liz
(717) Every grown woman needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character

(847) Bath mats should not be used as mops. They don’t work. Consider this a drunk PSA.

(410) Well you decided to make everyone “drinks” which was sprite and beer mixed.

(717) You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams.

(619) My grandma made me promise not to drink more beer so I’m chugging wine.

(248) THIS ISN’T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

(248) He started to lose his balance halfway through his “commencement speech” at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

(916) WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING “TOOT IT AND BOOT IT” AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

(206) My last google search last night was “vodka swimming pool.”

(630) He’s sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

(+61) The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger.

(909) this is the most sickening thing I’ve ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.

(256) there was a guy running for some position in our government named “young boozer” hell yes I voted for him

(951) omg just made cake vodka jello shots, so excited
(951) dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles.

(706) I totally accidentally said “we don’t go around hammering girls in the rear” in front of 132 fifth graders today.

(914) I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.

(307) All my mom knows is what I put on Facebook. So… I mean… She knows we drink a lot.

(775) The only responsible thing I’ve done in vegas is shower and that was only to clean vomit off me.

(307) We invited our waitress tonight to come too…we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.

(858) I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult-sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume

(209) I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.

(248) Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
(1-248) Yup. It’s just me crying in a closet eating soup.

(425) UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD

(714) The back of my hand read, “Say no to drugs.” My palm read “Say yes to shots.” When the fuck did I write that?

(732) I find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right.

(843) Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot though.

(707) I’m never drinking mad dog again and I have your belt.

(716) Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week.

(416) Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear.

(561): The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.

(512): I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.

(310): that’s the second time you’ve been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
(818): its my fault though, i’m wearing tights
(310): you’re hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid’s fiance in the parent trap

(845): Just know I’m having fun but I still have my motor functions.

Sounds familiar XII

I don’t think any further explanation is needed, so here you go, the final one of these for 2011. Any ideas on how to change it up or add to it for 2012, send ’em along. Also send along ones you find on your own — speaking of, thank you, Sami, for contributing a few to this one.

Enjoy.

Sounds like…Me
(604): That was an excessively violent trivia night.

(847) I’ll pull you in a wagon. You’ll have a sash and a crown on and we’ll sing “All the Single Ladies”

(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.

(585) we can’t get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night.

(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

(617) the tow truck driver and I bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos.

(704) side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.

(304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar.

(217): Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.

(440): i can’t understand anything he’s saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.

(604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS.

(219): The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.

Sounds like…Anthony
(512): There are so many Jimmy John’s employees here
(1-512): Where are you?
(512): Jimmy John’s.

(317) Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.

(850) I’m so hungover that if we go to panera, I’ll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.

(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.

(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs.
(1-602) You mean pants?

(518) steel reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It’s never OK.

(301) Fuck appropriateness.

(304): What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
(859): i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

(701): Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it’s purring.

(403): oh no, don’t get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.

Sounds like…Sammi
(334): Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.

(920): Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better.

(860) I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season.

(814) I am not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

(615) we learned a lot about each other. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat.

(603) Question: Would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to “beer me” his number be a poor decision?

Sounds like…Rachel
(248) Come get her ASAP. She’s “people bowling,” which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

(720) You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to “ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!”

(253) Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night.

(214) Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?

(817) It’s like I’m snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.

(703) I wish that every time I slipped on a sheet of ice I had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move.

(339) Woke up this morning with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said “the boy who lived.” I love you guys.

(+61): we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn’t want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn’t be together.

(361): Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. WTF?

(253): at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?

(785): I’m not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag.

(708): he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.

Sounds like…Sami
(210): I’m the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

(317): HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.

(469): I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lovato cd. And that was the good part.

(651) Hahaha I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes… “TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS”

(918) What’s a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup then drank it. That’s how.

(417) There’s a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.

(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks and now, breakfast…oh to be a poor college student, everyday is like a carnival.

(623) Ya know, “class is cancelled because professor is stuck in mexico” is not something i expected in college. Let alone, “Professor is stuck in Mexico, again.”

(778) she’s sniffed three people’s necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from…
(1-778) she’s gonna get diseases.

(714): my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i’m so confused.

(205): Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(870): If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone’s soul, it would be you.
(1-870): You always know what to say to make me feel better.

(810) Just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.

(562) I was just told that I’m a premature cuddler…What does that even mean?
(714) Whatever it is you failed.

(805) I don’t know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like its 7UP.

(319) I brought red and green Boones Farm to the white elephant party. Classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.

(404) you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. I see where your priorities are.

(510) come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.

(330): Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem.

(440): Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and powerful.

(515): im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.

(713): We’re drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

Sounds like…Liz
(401): Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.

(217) We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.

(864) I’m going to superglue stuarts hands into socker boppers.

(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.

(678) well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list.

(415): Feeling better?
(720): I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.

(410): You threw up with your ski mask on still.

(862): Hangover Status: I’ve been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It’s not looking good.

(203): I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
(1-203): You were.

(219) The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

(512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they’re ok.

Bourbon Boys Part Two

I refuse to acknowledge anything Christmas-related until after my Thanksgiving meal is fully digested. That said, since it’s past that self-imposed deadline, I present to you the earliest of Christmas presents because I know it’s what you want.

YUP. BOURBON BOYS PART II. You’re welcome already. And just in case you’re new – read part one first.

You know the drill though. Here’s a timeline of my day, or as close to one I can get. Only this time the times really might be wrong because there was a lot more drinking involved (on their part, not mine), therefore I had to do a bit more paying attention as well as keep on queueing up “Shots” by LMFAO so they knew it was time to take their next shot.

Anyways, here we go…

7:15 a.m. I wake up. On a Saturday. Am I really doing this again? Do I have time to stop on the way over there and get some caffeine?

7:45 a.m. I leave my apartment to meet up with the guys at Mom and Dad’s. Dad said to be there before 8 a.m. or he’d get anxious.

7:59 a.m. I arrive at their house. I am nothing if not efficient.

8:03 a.m. Rachel hears there are doughnuts outside and decides to investigate.

8:05 a.m. Uncle Chuck, who has brought a cooler full of Jell-O shots this time around, hands Rachel a few of them to “save for later.”

8:07 a.m. I silently make a note of how full that cooler is now and bet that it will be empty by 3 p.m.

8:09 a.m. I remind them that I don’t carry Ibuprofen and all of them either pull a bottle of it out of their pocket or tell me it’s somewhere in the van already.

8:12 a.m. Everbody’s at the house and accounted for, except for Ethan and Uncle Garr who we have to pick up on the way.

8:14 a.m. I am a pro at backing this van out of driveways and parking spaces.

8:21 a.m. I am not yet a pro at pulling into parking spaces. My parking job at the Kroger where we pick the rest of the guys up ain’t great.

8:24 a.m. Uncle Tony and Uncle Chuck go into Kroger to buy Bloody Mary mix. We have no vodka. They just wanna drink it by itself. Isn’t it just V8 then?

8:25 a.m. Oh they’re also using it to make “Red Beer” which makes me scared.

8:27 a.m. I notice the last remaining pay phone in the world to my right. Seriously, I didn’t think those existed anymore. How much do they cost these days?

8:28 a.m. Aaaaaaaaaand someone’s making it a call on it. What?!?

8:34 a.m. Everyone’s got their drinks made and a Jell-O shot in hand. They have been warned that they have to do a shot before we leave the parking lot.

8:35 a.m. They’re trying to figure out their seats and I’ve got a new co-pilot this time around – Uncle Garr – which is good because maybe I’ll hear him talk this time. (SPOILER ALERT: He talked. A lot.)

8:40 a.m. “Should we count off?” “Yeah.” “One.” “No, Garr’s one.” “Oh, one.” “Two, three, four….” Silence. “Oh, eight!” “Wait a minute..six.” “Five.” “Seven.” “Eight.”

8:41 a.m. Shots shots shots shots shots shots shots! One down. Well, eight, technically. Some Jell-O shots, some bourbon. Look out.

8:43 a.m. Here we go.

8:46 a.m. I turn on my new favorite song.

9:04 a.m. Another shot. Yep. It’s gonna be that kind of day.

9:23 a.m. We get to Jim Beam. “Should we take another shot?” “Yeah. Put the song on.”

9:24 a.m. Shots shots shots shots shots shots!

9:26 a.m. As they’re getting out of the car, Uncle Donnie says to be careful on the van step, it’s greasy or something like it’s got Armorall on it.

9:27 a.m. Uncle Tony gets out of the van and says “Whoa, be careful on that step, it’s greasy. It must have Armorall on it or something.” Because he did not notice that Uncle Donnie had said it, one minute and two feet in front of him. He and Dad have the same brain.

9:28 a.m. A couple of them have beers to finish before we go in and they discuss the joys of beer drinking. Chuck: “Everything is good with beer. Hell, a bowl of ice cream is good with a beer.”

9:29 a.m. Somebody pours out the rest of what’s in their cup and Ethan yells about it. Ethan is now the Pour Patrol.

9:31 a.m. We go in to get signed up for the tour. The girls at the check-in desk are grumbling because they actually have to do work. SORRY I’M NOT SORRY YOU HAVE TO DO YOUR JOB.

9:34 a.m. Everybody’s passport is stamped and we’re joining up with a group of people and going into an old house. In the process of the stamping, Chuckie tells the girls that we already hit the other three distilleries we got stamps from this morning.

9:37 a.m. We get a chance to look around before the movie starts. There’s always a movie.

9:39 a.m. Over here there’s the world’s smallest working distillery. It was out the World’s Fair and if turned on and running can make a gallon of moonshine. Seriously. Matt takes a look and contemplates how he can build one in his garage kitchen.

9:42 a.m. Eth and I read about what the distillery was like in the 30s and before and after prohibition. If I could go back in any time to live, it’d be then. I’d want to be a mob wife. Ethan: “Me too.” Me: “You’d want to be a mob wife?” Him: “Yep.”

9:45 a.m. We see this ridiculously large pipe. Eth looks at it and says “Why is the shaft so long?” Me: “Seriously? That’s what she said.”

9:50 a.m. Damn this tour guide is peppy. Too peppy. It’s early. Calm it down.

9:55 a.m. She explains why all the trees around are black – because of the vapors the bourbon gives off. The eight amateur horticulturists I brought with me are glad that mystery has been solved. Not what they thought.

10 a.m. Most of this tour is outside. What’s that about? It’s November. Also, she keeps pointing out things that will be finished and be better next year. Dammit. We came a year too early.

10:04 a.m. She’s making a lot of corny jokes. I have not laughed yet. But I’m also not three shots in like the rest of my group.

10:07 a.m. I laugh, because they’re talking about bungs again.

10:13 a.m. A lady from Michigan asks if we get snow here. Is she serious? No, you’re the only state that gets snow. Here it’s just like Florida.

10:17 a.m. We do the tasting, I don’t partake until I hear there’s one that tastes like black cherry.

10:20 a.m. What she neglected to say was yes it tastes like black cherry for about 3 seconds. Then it tastes like the cough syrup I take when I have bronchitis.

10:35 a.m. We’re back in the van.

10:36 a.m. Shot shots shots shots shots shots!

10:39 a.m. We start our drive to Maker’s Mark. The playlist I made is a success. They hear Toby Keith’s “Red Solo Cup” for the first time and immediately become fans.

10:43 a.m. We’ve listened to just about every song on the playlist, there’s only 11, so I’m not sure what we’re going to do when it’s over.

10:50 a.m. I put Uncle Garr in charge of the music. He plays “Single Ladies.”

10:53 a.m. Uncle Garr is no longer in charge of music.

11:04 a.m. WHERE IN THE BLOODY HELL ARE WE? This road keeps getting smaller and smaller, but oh, wait, there’s a sign for a wedding, made on cardboard with white spray paint. It says “Weddin.” No “g.” We are in BFE.

11:05 a.m. We contemplate becoming wedding crashers. I need a drink.

11:07 a.m. We realize we’ve passed our turn and we were supposed to turn by the wedding sign..we’re probably gonna be wedding crashers after all.

11:11 a.m. We are at a stop sign and pretty sure the wedding is to the right. Because there’s another sign. It says “Wedding.” And we are now putting the van in park because there is a cemetery to our right as well. And all the headstones in there say Hagan. WHAT THE HELL??

11:14 a.m. The Hagan boys get their picture taken in the cemetery. Well. It’s like the annex of the cemetery. And they wonder why the Hagans have been sequestered to this part of the grounds when everyone else is over there. Also, several of them have to pee.

11:16 a.m. Uncle Chuck, Uncle Garr and Ethan work on securing their spot on the bus to hell and go pee over by the graveyard. And they’re doing so under a statue of the Virgin Mary they don’t notice until it’s too late. Uncle Donnie doesn’t want to walk that far, so he just pees behind the van. A car might come by. Might, but probably won’t, seriously we could be in another state.

11:18 a.m. A cup falls out of the car while they’re all getting back in. Uncle Tony: “Oh. My Yellow Solo Cup.”

11:19 a.m. “Watch out for that step, it’s got Armorall on it or somethin’.”

11:24 a.m. We finally see Maker’s. I was getting worried.

11:25 a.m. Uncle Garr reminds me that he’s my godfather. I tell him I’ll get him a poster from the movie.

11:27 a.m. I take three Jell-O shots in the parking lot. Just doing what I was told.

11:28 a.m. Uncle Garr is telling Ethan “Look, trees!”

11:29 a.m. Even though he peed like 10 minutes ago, Ethan finds a tree by the parking lot and pees again. A drunk Garr stands a few feet away and talks some more about trees.

11:30 a.m. This chick is taking pictures of her boyfriend in front of this old fire truck. Uncle Chuck decides to get in on that.

11:32 a.m. We learn Chuck’s new friend is named Elan.

11:33 a.m. Yep, still in their pictures.

11:35 a.m. I tell the guys to go up there and I’ll take their pictures. This happens.

11:38 a.m. “Guys? I’m this way.” “Oh.” They all turn around and we get this.

11:39 a.m. A limo pulls up. Uncle Chuck: “Is this the weddin’?”

11:40 a.m. We go in the main house at Maker’s and apparently everyone gets their passports stamped, except me. Since I couldn’t pee outside like everyone else, I had to use indoor plumbing.

11:44 a.m. We meet Aggie, our tour guide for Maker’s. Uncle Chuck is asking her lots of questions and she’s putting up with him. Bless her.

11:45 a.m. Aggie asks where we’re from. We all say Louisville and Chuck says “Wyoming.”

11:47 a.m. ARTSY and whatnot. Kind of.

11:50 a.m. Matt knows the answers to all the questions she’s asking about the distilling process. He’s the MVP of the day.

11:57 a.m. We get to see the vats again. You know, the ones we wanted to spit in last time? Guess what we get to do?

11:59 a.m. Yep. Maker’s wins. They let us stick our fingers in the mash stuff.

12:06 p.m. Tour’s done and now we get to taste stuff. Aggie tells everybody to get ready. Glass in the right hand and glass in the left. Donnie: “That’s the way I usually drink.”

12:07 p.m. This is what I’m doing while they’re drinking. Taking pictures of empty glasses.

12:09 p.m. Everybody seems to be feeling alright, considering how much they’ve already had. It’s lunchtime. But we’ve got dipping to do.

12:11 p.m. Dad SUITS UP.

12:13 p.m. Re-thinking his dipping method.

12:15 p.m. Matt’s up. He’s taking this seriously too. That’s Dad’s bottle on the left, by the way.

12:18 p.m. Eth’s up. And I’m pretty sure this old lady was hitting on him.

12:20 p.m. Success. (With the bottle, not with the old lady.)

12:24 p.m. Time to get back in the van.

12:25 p.m. “Watch out for that step, it’s got some greasy shit on it. Maybe Armorall.”

12:29 p.m. Uncle Tony’s playlist will get us to lunch while my phone charges. Uncle Tony has a lot of Black-Eyed Peas on his iPod.

12:31 p.m. Shots shots shots shots shots shots!

12:33 p.m. Seriously where in the hell are we?

12:38 p.m. There is talk of abandoning lunch until after Heaven Hill. Half the van is in favor, the other half is hungry. All eight are drunk.

12:42 p.m. I pull the van over until they decide what they want to do.

12:50 p.m. Stopping for lunch finally wins. We’re going to go to one of those hole-in-the-wall places we passed on our seemingly 10-hour journey from our first to second stop.

12:55 p.m. Hawk’s Place Family Steakhouse? We’re sold.

12:57 p.m. We park. The sign says ‘Welcome tourist.’ Just one, apparently.

12:58 p.m. We get inside and though they’re open, the owner is annoyed he has customers. Why? Owner (possibly Hawk?): “Well we ain’t got no goddamn cooks. They don’t come in ’til three. I can make you a drink though.”

12:59 p.m. Uncle Chuck volunteers to cook but we decide we’ll check out Cozy’s Cafe across the street. Hopefully they’ve got some GD cooks.

1 p.m. Cozy’s has cooks. We’ve found a place to get lunch.

1:12 p.m. We count off to make sure everyone’s in there. Chuck counts everyone’s number with them and for them in some instances so it really serves no purpose.

1:15 p.m. Uncle Chuck enters to win a gift card to Cozy’s. I don’t think a single one of us could find that place again if our lives depended on it. He’ll probably win.

1:25 p.m. I have a beer. It is delicious.

1:26 p.m. Uncle Chuck and I smoke a cigarette. Meaning he smokes one and the smoke all comes my direction.

1:28 p.m. Uncle Chuck is convinced I smoke all the time, I just hide it.

1:35 p.m. I attempt, for the millionth time during the day to send a text or Tweet. We have no service because we have gone back to the 1800s. That’s what it looks like ’round these parts.

1:40 p.m. We all order. Half the table orders a Cozy Melt. I order a turkey sandwich. Eth orders a Deluxe Burger or something like that. And proceeds to ask for it without pretty much everything that makes it a deluxe. Chuck calls him a pussy.

1:45 p.m. Everyone is either talking or watching the U of L game on the big screen TV. I am starting to get tired on account of the waking up at 7:15 a.m. and try not to think about what my bed feels like.

2:04 p.m. I go to the bathroom at Cozy’s and find out that none of the stalls in the women’s room have doors. I tell Eth about this later and he says “That’s how they are in the men’s.” My reply: “Yeah, well, you don’t pee facing the door.”

2:20 p.m. We’re done with lunch and it’s back to the van for…you guessed it…another shot. But first, we’ve got to figure out where we’re going.

2:40 p.m. Dad says “OK so which way do we need to be going to get to Heaven Hill. It’s closer to Bardstown.” Uncle Garr: “Well, there’s the sun, motherfucker.” And that’s all he needs to say. We decide to go towards the sun.

2:41 p.m. Chuck, as everyone’s getting back in the van: “Watch out, that step’s got Armorall or some shit on it. It’s slick.”

2:54 p.m. Eth starts to worry people are going to get tired. Chuckie: “Nobody goes to sleep or we pour bourbon in their mouth.”

2:58 p.m. Shots shots shots shots shots shots!

3:05 p.m. Uncle Chuck starts talking about the bunghole process they went over again at Maker’s. He says “I want to be a bunghole specialist.”

3:06 p.m. I turn the music up louder so I can’t hear anything else.

3:17 p.m. For every turn I need to take or ramp or whatever, I have 8 dads back there telling me what to do. At one point I had to say “You know, this ain’t my first rodeo.”

3:25 p.m. We’re at Heaven Hill and everybody is either at the peak of their drunk-ness or just past it.

3:27 p.m. I take a Jell-O shot as we pull in. Illegal? Yes. Needed? Yes.

3:33 p.m. The younger contingent of this tour is beat.

3:50 p.m. Our last tour starts with a video, imagine that, in a dark room that reminds me of a planetarium. I fell asleep in the planetarium every time I went in there in college. I subsequently got a C in astronomy.

3:52 p.m. I just about fall asleep during the video. Chuckie and Dad do for real.

3:58 p.m. Time for the walking part of the tour. I just wanna stay in this room and nap.

3:59 p.m. Uncle Tony, Uncle Donnie, Chuckie and Eth get on a trolley. We did not sign up for the trolley tour.

4 p.m. They all get off the trolley.

4:05 p.m. We see a bull made out of barrels, similar to the turkey at Wild Turkey. No one attempts to ride it.

4:08 p.m. Uncle Chuck also tries to convince this tour guide he’s from Wyoming. She believes him. Because she is dumb.

4:13 p.m. Every time the guide finishes she asks if anyone has questions. Before anyone can even attempt to ask, Chuck says “NOPE.” He just wants to get to the tasting.

4:17 p.m. Tour Guide Lady: “We make 83 different bourbons here.” Uncle Chuck: “Do we get to try all 83?”

4:19 p.m. Trivia time. What can you put in barrels to stop a leak? Guesses thrown out (mainly from our group) include: “Maple syrup. Algae. Grass. Duct tape.”

4:20 p.m. The answer is cattails.

4:46 p.m. We are ready for the tasting. I can already tell you what Heaven Hill anything tastes like. Drinking nail polish remover.

4:49 p.m. Chuckie figures out there are weird acoustics in the tasting room, which is a giant barrel. Starts playing games with his voice and trying to freak out the other half of our group, who is sitting on the other side of the room. Proceeds to work successfully about six times.

4:51 p.m. Dad: “Take another picture of me as the Most Interesting Man in the World.”

4:53 p.m. She asks what we taste in the bourbon we just tried. Chuckie: “Vanilla, caramel, wood.” Tour Guide Lady: “Good! You’re right!” Dad, to me: “He’s full of shit, he’s just saying what we know it’s supposed to taste like.” Yep. Chuckie is no bourbon connoisseur. None of our group is.

4:56 p.m. “What about this one, what do you taste in there?” Chuckie: “Tiger lily, dandelion..”

4:59 p.m. Other lady asks if all of us are from here and the lady says “Yeah, but he’s from Wyoming” and points at Uncle Chuck. Since, ya know, he sounds so much like he’s from Wyoming.

5:02 p.m. As we’re leaving, Chuck says “Actually I’m Australian, mate” and attempts an Australian accent.

5:05 p.m. Chuck is still trying the accent which sounds nothing like Australian. It’s more of a mix between a pirate and a Londoner and a Kentucky boy.

5:08 p.m. Last stop, time to get a picture.

5:09 p.m. They’re really particular. Dad wants a warehouse in the background. Chuckie wants to look like Justin Bieber with his hoodie.

5:10 p.m. Pictures are done, let’s go home.

5:13 p.m. Six stamps equals FREE T-SHIRTS, BITCHEZZZZZZZ.

5:16 p.m. Shots shots shots shots shots shots!

5:19 p.m. Guys prepare their drinks for the ride home.

5:20 p.m. They get in the van. Chuck: “Watch out for that Armorall shit all over the step.”

5:24 p.m. Someone says they’re ready to fall asleep. Chuck: “Fall asleep and I’ll beat your ass.”

5:29 p.m. Ethan asks for a beer and is pissed because there are none left in the cooler. Chuck asks for a beer and it magically appears. Ethan is confused.

5:55 p.m. We’re back in the Kroger parking lot, dropping off half our troops. Several are really drunk, the rest I make sure are OK to drive. Drunk Ethan grabs a bag of chips, his go to after excessive amounts of alcohol. That half full bag of chips will be gone in a few.

5:56 p.m. Donnie gets resourceful and grabs a shopping cart to get his stuff back to his car.

6:03 p.m. Uncle Chuck gives me money for putting up with everyone all day while I was the only sober one.

6:05 p.m. I’m handed $5.

6:07 p.m. Garr, Chuck, Donnie and Ethan are headed home on their own. The rest of us take the van back to where we started.

6:25 p.m. We’re done. I am DD no more. Except, wait, they think they want to do another trip of some sort. Maybe Buffalo Trace?

6:26 p.m. They owe me.

Trust him, he was a Boy Scout.

I realize this post is coming immediately after a sweet little post about my Sunday school kiddos and the fun things they say.

Well, the older kiddos say some funny stuff too – as evidenced by Bourbon Boys Round 2 this past weekend.

Case in point: An inebriated Uncle Garr, giving us the best directions he can when we’re wondering how to get from one distillery to another.

Someone in the van: So which way do we need to go to get to Heaven Hill?
Uncle Garr, points at the sun: Well there’s the sun, motherfucker.

Yeah. You guys have no idea about how Saturday was. But I’ll be telling you. Very soon.

In the meantime, refresh your memory with Bourbon Boys Part Uno and relish in the fact that you were there, you remember, the first time the f-bomb was dropped at on-account-of.com.

We’re making history here, people.

T minus 4 days

Y’all, it’s almost here. Part 2. Bourbon Boys reunite. I’ll be bringing you (as much of the) play-by-play as I can over on the Twitter thing and all the photos and as much detail as I can remember a few days (or a week, I make no promises) after the event.

For now though, to get you in the mindset, I present to you our playlist for the day. Listen to these songs and then you’ll KIND OF have an idea of what I’m ’bout to deal with. Cheers to the designated driver!

Before you watch this next one, can I just note that Jamie Foxx tried to make this a story. One in which Ron Howard, of all people, will be out drinkin’ at the club. Yep, he’s in there. Just wait for it.

Yeah, it’s the Glee version. And so’s the next one. So what? I’m the driver. I should get something.

In honor of my Halloween costume:

My favorite song when I was nine (no joke):

And for when it’s all over:

Four days, people. Get ready to live.

Bourbon Boys: Part One

About a month ago, I got a text from my uncle, Tony, asking me if I was available to chauffeur the Bourbon Tour.

What Bourbon Tour? First I’d heard about it. Then he said it was scheduled for “24 Sept.” Because he’s apparently from another country.

Or he was drunk because when I said I was free that day he said “We could get polluted.”

Polluted.

Oh and then I learn that not only will I be chauffeuring, I will be doing so in a bus.

Maybe not a bus, but that sucker was large and in charge. You guys, it beeped when it backed up. Like a moving truck.

So cut to 24 Sept. where me and the boys – the boys being my dad, four uncles, Chuckie, Bean, Eth and Matt – meet up at 8:30 a.m. ON A SATURDAY to start our adventure.

The following is a chronological order of events as best I can describe them. Driving that van was nerve-wracking so forgive me if times aren’t approximate.

8:35 a.m. Everyone’s at the rendezvous point – my parents’ house – and ready to go.

8:36 a.m. Donnie asks for antacids.

8:45 a.m. I have to climb the five feet to the cab of the van from the ground and panic as I back out. The van is beeping. And I basically have five dads that will tell me how to drive.

8:56 a.m. I decide it’s time for them to do their first shot – on the hour. We have two bottles of bourbon in the car tank bus van.

8:57 a.m. I wonder what people are thinking as they pass us on the road – am I taking them to jail? The mental hospital? Church?

8:59 a.m. DJ Swarleees (Chuckie) puts on LMFAO’s “Shots” to put them in the right mindset.

9 a.m. The first shot. I forget what the toast was to, but I decide they need to take another one in 20 minutes. Some grumble and I wonder if we should have brought a puke bucket.

9:01 a.m. I start to worry about how I will park this damn thing.

9:10 a.m. I assign them all numbers so that we can count off and make sure no one is missing when we leave anywhere. I’m efficient like that.

9:10 a.m. They count off, 1 through 9.

9:20 a.m. Time for the second shot. I am not even usually up by this time on a Saturday but I am directing 9 guys to take shots of straight bourbon. Good morning.

9:25 a.m. I say they should take another one before we get to Four Roses, our first stop. They all wuss out. They are not taking full advantage of having a designated driver for the day.

9:30 a.m. We get off the exit in Frankfort and I have horrible flashbacks to working in Owenton.

9:40 a.m. We get to Four Roses. I park the van LIKE A BOSS and we go inside to get our “passports,” so we can be all official and shit.

9:42 a.m. Brothers picture!

10 a.m. We watch a video before the tour starts giving us the quick description of the bourbon process (SPOILER ALERT: By the end of the day, we could probably make our own, no problem.)

10:01 a.m. The guys are ready to learn.

10:05 a.m. Caleb is our tour guide. You won’t forget his name either, because it’s on a gold plate on his belt.

10:08 a.m. We are in the place where “the magic happens.” Some of it, anyway. The stuff kind of looks like vomit though.

10:15 a.m. I decide that this place looks like where every bad guy fights with the main character in action movies. I ask if anyone will let me pretend to throw them over the side. No takers.

10:25 a.m. We see a big vat of the mash stuff they use. We are all short.

10:30 a.m. We get a better view of some of the vats and decide it’s kind of tempting to want to spit into them, but decide against actually doing it.

10:35 a.m. Uncle Tony is too short. Needs a small ladder to see what’s going on.

10:40 a.m. I make sure there is photographic proof of our first official stop. But for some unknown reason, it does not upload to the blog. Wamp wamp.

10:50 a.m. Time for tastings. Eth smells it, like that can prepare you for when you drink it and it burns all the way down.

10:51 a.m. Everyone gets two shots each. Allegedly you are supposed to sip. Total shot count for the day so far: four each. It’s not even lunchtime.

10:59 a.m. Speaking of food, it’s time to open up the snacks in the back, because even though they opened up a pack of muffins that basically served as chasers to the first shot, they are hungry.

11 a.m. Uncle Chuck has bought something and doesn’t want to carry the bag. Complains about being the Bag Bitch. He tries to get me to take it and I say that’s not what I’m there for, he can be his own Bag Bitch.

11:01 a.m. Uncle Chuck explains to Dad about what a bag bitch is: “Hold my bag, bitch.”

11:05 a.m. Tony, who is harming some Cheez-its: “I’m the Box Bitch.”

11:10 a.m. Beanden declares Four Roses “The Redheaded Stepchild of the bourbon industry.”

11:15 a.m. They want to make a run to Walmart before the next stop. We need beer – for the rides between the tours – chips, TUMS and Ibuprofen. Ibuprofen is for Dad. He asked me “What kind of girl are you that you didn’t bring Ibuprofen?” I reply: “The kind you bring on the bourbon tour.”

11:30 a.m. The boys come back to the van after their Walmart shopping excursion with 24 beers, two bags of chips, TUMS and the Ibuprofen. The muffins have been forgotten.

11:40 a.m. Dad: “Play that a-a-a-a-a-alcohol song.”

11:45 a.m. We pass signs for a Civil War re-enactment and contemplate a schedule change.

11:50 a.m. We are at our second stop, Wild Turkey. There is a turkey made out of a barrel. Everyone decides to ride it.

11:51 a.m. Dad channels John Wayne in True Grit and holds the reins in his teeth. Good thing we will have alcohol soon to kill the bacteria he just got in his mouth.

11:57 a.m. Donnie bought a do-rag.

12:01 p.m. Proof we went to Wild Turkey.

12:03 p.m. I try to get all artsy with the iPhone camera.

12:35 p.m. We learn that what they don’t use for the bottled bourbon goes to cows. We immediately picture cows being wasted. We also learn that some people’s job is simply to smell and/or taste the bourbon to make sure it’s good to go.

12:36 p.m. Some people contemplate a career change.

12:40 p.m. We see a dog lying in the grass. Might be dead, might be drunk. Neither was confirmed.

12:45 p.m. Stuffed turkey in the tasting room. The sign says don’t touch.

12:46 p.m. Dad takes a picture of me touching the turkey.

12:51 p.m. Happy boys. And possibly a little drunk. Some more than others.


1:15 p.m. We decide to find lunch and do so at an A&W/Long John Silver’s.

1:18 p.m. After a couple unsuccessful attempts, Chuckie secures a win on the coin drop game, earning himself some free hushpuppies.

1:20 p.m. Chuckie is a pirate.

1:40 p.m. Lunch is over and we’re headed to our final stop, Woodford Reserve. Sidenote: I have been parking like a champ ALL DAY. The guys are impressed.

1:45 p.m. Chuckie decides he wants to open his own distillery and call it “WoodChuck.”

1:50 p.m. We get to Woodford and immediately see where the tiny bottles are made. Psyche.

1:55 p.m. Free bourbon balls at Woodford. Shit just got real.

1:58 p.m. Me: “Did you get a bourbon ball?” Donnie: “Nah, I ate bourbon balls a million times and never liked them.” Chuck: “Then why’d you keep going back after the first time?”

2 p.m. Tour starts at Woodford. We are sitting in church pews. Watching a video. By now we can pretty much recite the process ourselves.

2:15 p.m. Our tour guide, Jack is talking through a microphone with a hand-held speaker aimed at us. It’s amplifying his voice less than if he just talked normally.

2:25 p.m. We see the warehouse. Smells like wood. And corn.

2:28 p.m. “If you get all the stamps on your passport you get a T-shirt.” Chuck: “Yeah get it all done and get the T-shirt to wipe the puke off your face.”

2:30 p.m. Jack tells us how they smell-test the bourbon and mentions how you “put the cork in the bunghole.” That’s the word they use. Our group laughs. Because we are children.

2:31 p.m. Bunghole. Heh.

2:32 p.m. Jack passes around a glass that he’d had full but had poured out so nobody would drink it when it’s passed around. Uncle Chuck is not happy about that.

2:35 p.m. Jack talks about tastings and how it gets the flavor, since it’s in the charred wood barrels. Chuckie is confused. “How the hell does wood taste like vanilla and apricot?” Uncle Chuck is still pissed bourbon has been poured out.

2:40 p.m. We load the bus back up to head back for the tasting and Jack mentions comment cards he hopes we fill out. Uncle Chuck: “I’m gonna put on that comment card to quit throwing that shit down the drain.”

2:41 p.m. Remember how earlier he said “bunghole?” Heh.

2:45 p.m. Tasting time. Everyone’s taking it slow. Dad is posing as “The Most Interesting Man in the World.” Stay thirsty, my friends.

2:50 p.m. Bourbon’s all done and it’s time to go home. But not before a picture of all of them at probably our favorite stop on the tour. Well it might not be Uncle Chuck’s favorite. He may still be pissed at Jack.

2:53 p.m. Uncle Chuck shows that he’s not to be messed with. Hence the glittery tattoo.

2:55 p.m. The guys are thirsty on the way back to the car, they want their beer and are listing what they have left in there to drink. Tony: “We have chips!”

3:00 p.m. We are all back in the van. I make them yell their numbers out, thinking it will be in order. I hear: “5!3!9!1!4!”

3:05 p.m. The news is broken to Chuckie that WoodChuck Bourbon isn’t possible. Woodchuck already exists and makes alcohol.

3:06 p.m. Chuckie decides his distillery will be “WoodChuckie.” Totally different

3:30 p.m. On the road home. Everyone is quiet. Surprisingly no one has passed out/taken a nap.

3:45 p.m. Heh. Bunghole.

4 p.m. We are home, safely. But the day’s not over. There’s cornhole to be played.

4:03 p.m. The morning’s plan of waiting until the spring to visit the other three distilleries has morphed into “Let’s try to do it one weekend in November.”

They better make sure their driver’s free.

Stay tuned for Part Two, whenever the guys decide they wanna go. And for up-to-the-minute updates on the next event AS IT’S HAPPENING, follow me on the Twitter.