Cubicle Neighbor Chronicles Part IV

Editor’s note: This post was not written by the author of this blog. The author of this post has asked to remain anonymous on account of he/she does not want to lose his/her job.

In the past I regularly shared stories with Laura about my infamous “cubicle neighbor.”
(Part I, II and III)
She was an older lady who drove me crazy by having loud phone conversations with her annoying teenage children, using the phone book to find people’s phone numbers, and asking me how to make labels using a TYPEWRITER when she had a computer at her desk.

Now I have a new job and instead of sending Laura stories of cubicle neighbor, I send her stories of cubicle mate. Cubicle mate and I have no wall between us which I was worried about when I first started this job, but have since grown to love. Cubicle mate is the opposite of cubicle neighbor. She is in her mid twenties, leads a very entertaining life which she likes to tell me stories about from time to time, and would probably slap someone if she saw them using a phone book instead of Google.

Here are some of my favorite things she has shared with me. And anything in quotes is, believe it or not, a direct quote from cubicle mate. I can’t make this stuff up.

“I really want to go on a reality TV show to win the prize money so I can quit my job and work on writing a script for a sitcom every day.”

“My niece was born! Here are some pictures. This is our new relationship now by the way. I show you pictures of her and you tell me how cute she is.”

Playing techno music kind of loud on her computer: “This is what my Serbian cousins blare in the cars while they drive around with their windows down.”

Talking about our awkward/ugly phases as kids: “My awkward stage was from like…. age 0 through 20.”

“All the creepiest guys are the ones who ask me out. One time the anesthesiologist from my COLONOSCOPY asked for my number when I was still all drugged up so I gave it to him by accident.”

“I’m going to get everyone in the Christmas spirit.” *starts blasting Kenny G’s rendition of “Little Drummer Boy” from her computer.

“I want a job where I can walk around all day. Maybe I should be a mailman. Actually no. I would only want that job if I lived in Hawaii.” 5 minutes later I look over at her desk and see her looking at pictures of Hawaii on her laptop.

Cubicle Mate: “I have this ‘World’s Best Employee’ trophy that I bought for myself.” *pulls trophy out from desk drawer and shows me
Me: “You should put it out on your desk.”
Cubicle Mate: “Yes! Then it will make people think someone actually gave it to me and anytime they think ‘***** is a bad employee’ they’ll see this trophy and rethink.”
(Trophy has been out on her desk ever since.)

There is never a dull moment with her.

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Cubicle Neighbor Chronicles Part III

Editor’s note: This post was not written by the author of this blog. The author of this post has asked to remain anonymous on account of he/she does not want to lose his/her job. This is one post of many, however, because this person’s co-worker is kind of nuts.

Ok. Conversation between me and cubicle neighbor just a few minutes ago and let me just remind you, the woman uses a computer every single day now.

Cubicle neighbor: HI…. How do I sign up to use the conference room at a specific time for a meeting?
Me: Go to the shared drive and in the folder there is a “conference room calendar” in powerpoint and you just go to the day and write your name in and the time you want to reserve the room for. That way whenever someone else opens the document to see if it’s available they can see you’ve reserved it on a certain day and time.
Cubicle Neighbor: but how will they see it if I just change it on my computer?
Me: Um… well you save it and then anytime someone opens the document from the shared drive they’ll just see it…?
Cubicle Neighbor: What? Well… ok. How do i SAVE????
Me: Ummmmmmm…. hit “save”???
Cubicle Neighbor: Oh, just like, the save button in the top left?
Me: That would be the one!

IS SHE F-ING SERIOUS??????

Cubicle Neighbor Chronicles Part II

Editor’s note: This post was not written by the author of this blog. The author of this post has asked to remain anonymous on account of he/she does not want to lose his/her job. This is one post of many, however, because this person’s co-worker is kind of nuts.

Just taught cubicle neighbor how to create and type up tabs for binder dividers using Microsoft Word because she was convinced the only way to make tabs was to use the typewriter. So I sent her my template I use for when I have to put tabs in hundreds of folders. She thought I used a typewriter to do all that? Really?

Chalk one up for the 21st century!

Read part one here.

Cubicle Neighbor Chronicles Part I

Editor’s note: This post was not written by the author of this blog. The author of this post has asked to remain anonymous on account of he/she does not want to lose his/her job. This is likely the first post of many, however, because this person’s co-worker is kind of nuts.

So a few months after I started my current job, a “part-time” person was hired and given the cubicle right next to mine. I say “part-time” in quotations because I feel like she is here more than I am and I’m full time. I had heard all the horror stories about cubicles long before I ever got a real job but figured it couldn’t really be THAT bad. And it wasn’t, until “cubicle neighbor,” as I like to call her (or CN for short), started. I didn’t notice it at first, but slowly things began to catch my attention. Here is just a sampling of what I deal with on a regular basis.

– Her cell phone usage. The woman gets more personal phone calls while at work than anyone I have ever met. Usually it’s her dad or her kids. Mostly her kids. Who are teenagers. But they call her all day, every day. I will hear her talking with them at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning about anything and everything as I sit here and wonder, aren’t they in school? Some of the conversations I’ve overheard? Well let’s see. There was the time she was yelling at one of her kids for getting a ticket for going the wrong way on a one-way street. Another time she was yelling at one of her kids for putting his/her contacts in water because he/she was out of contact solution and so they ruined their contacts and had no extra pairs. Last week she was discussing spaghetti sauce recipes with someone.

My favorite thing she does with her cell phone? She will make about 4 or 5 phone calls and leave messages asking people to call her back, and proceed to immediately go into a meeting but leave her cell phone at her desk. And not on vibrate- no. Ringer ON. So when all of these people start calling back, her phone is ringing off the hook. One time it rang so much that I actually went in and interrupted the meeting she was in to tell her that her phone was ringing non- stop. I was hoping she’d get the hint that it was annoying the crap out of me and come silence it. Her response? “Oh it’s probably just my kids…. They’ll be ok.”

– Here is a copy of an email I sent to Laura about CN one day:
“I just walked from my desk to the copier to make a quick copy of something, and on my way to the copy area, I saw cubicle neighbor standing next to a bookshelf we have, with a huuuuuge PHONE BOOK in her hands, looking for a phone number. I have multiple problems with this.
1) It’s called the internet. You can find a phone number in a matter of 10 seconds or less using this cool thing they have now called GOOGLE. And if you don’t find it there, you can definitely find it on whitepages.com instead of wasting 20 minutes thumbing through a phone book with 500 + pages. 2) I’m pretty sure that phone book (and everything else on that book shelf) is from the early 90s. 3) It’s 2011.”

– CN uses a typewriter. An excerpt from another email to Laura: “So right now, the cubicle neighbor is not bugging me with the noise of her cell phone or desk phone or annoying laugh or questions about how to copy and paste something in a word document. She IS, however, bugging me with the sound of a typewriter. Yes. A typewriter. Two questions. 1) Why do we still have a typewriter in this office? B) What could anyone possibly need a typewriter for when they have a computer????????? Seriously. The sound of the typewriter is almost making me want to burst out laughing. I can’t get over the fact that she is actually using that right now.”

– And finally- the meanest of my rants about CN which I slightly regret but not really because come on, how can you not be annoyed by a woman who does all of these things as well as sits at her desk (when she’s not on her phone) just smiling to herself all day long. Another email to Laura:
“Sometimes when I listen to cubicle neighbor talk on the phone, I respond to things she says under my breath. I say what I would like to say to her out loud if I were the person on the other end of the phone.

Just now:

CN: “Well nothing’s ever straightforward for me! mra ha ha ha”
Me: “That’s because you’re retarded.”

Good God I’m mean. But I dare any one of you people reading this to sit in a cubicle next to this nonsense for a week straight and tell me you’re not going absolutely insane.