Ode to a channel/Why I need to get a life

I probably should just leave the TV off before I go to bed. I’d probably sleep better. Or I could at least put it on the History Channel. That’s usually guaranteed to put me to sleep, unless of course they’re showing “Gangland” or something – because I’m not about to not learn how to survive should I ever go to jail. Not that I would.

Speaking of jail, though… you’ve heard how I think I was either a criminal or a cop in a past life. So that may explain why I like truTV. It’s got a lot of crappy shows, but there’s a lot of good stuff too – like COPS, Forensic Files and tons of those shows where you can watch videos of people breaking their bones or something else.

Oh, and Sunday nights they show Las Vegas Jailhouse. I never want to go to jail, btw. I wouldn’t last a day.

Anyways. That’s the channel I watch before bed. And it gives me crazy dreams sometimes, but mostly it’s just interesting.

Seriously, the intro to Forensic Files is always something completely off the wall that hooks you – for example, something like “Find out how a toilet paper roll, a pencil and a VHS copy of The Little Mermaid helped stop a serial killer.”

I’m not even joking. Sometimes those intros come up and I’m like, “dammit, now I’m hooked!” They can figure anything out through forensics. It’s unbelievable.

So. Here are a few haikus to show my love for channel 36 on my TV. I need to get a life, I know. Don’t remind me.

Forensic Files
Blades of grass can solve murders
Who needs blood or hair

TruTV you are
my favorite channel but
you should show Cheaters

Las Vegas Jailhouse
What to do when arrested
Keep your damn mouth shut

Shocking videos
Cringeworthy, but I still watch
They have a death wish

I’ll watch any day or time
Wish I had G4.


Smooth criminal

I don’t wear turtlenecks. I cut the necks on my hoodies so they aren’t so close to my neck. I don’t wear necklaces and when I do, they aren’t tight ones.

Why? Because all of those things make me feel like I’m choking. Seriously. Even t-shirts sometimes feel too tight around my neck and I’ll stretch them a little.

Well, apparently, this all means something about my past life, if you believe in that sort of thing. You see, my aunt went with a friend to get their tarot cards read – which I’ve done before, but more on that in a minute – and the lady she went with had the same issue, she didn’t like things around her neck. The woman reading her tarot cards said she knew why that was, she’d been hung in a past life.

Hung. Like for a crime. So if that’s the case, that is what happened to me, apparently, in my past life. Maybe so. That would explain my fascination with COPS and Law and Order and Lockup and all these other crime and criminal and cop shows. I’ve even said before that I must have been a cop or criminal in a former life because I’m so intrigued by that stuff.

But what did I do, I wonder…

I got my tarot cards read once. She didn’t say anything about my apparently criminal past, but she did tell me a lot about relationships in my life. I’m a skeptic. I don’t get my cards read ever – this was the first time. I don’t get my palm read, I don’t live my life by my horoscope, though I do look at it from time to time. I don’t think tarot cards are from the devil, nor do I think you should live your life according to what the cards say. But it was cool to see what she said, and she definitely made me think. The girl that read my tarot cards didn’t know me at all or anything about me other than my name and even though she told me a bunch of things that “could happen” in my future, she also told me a couple things about myself that surprised me because, like I said, she didn’t know me AT ALL.

She told me I went through a change not that long ago, living in a quiet place to living in a busy place and not having much free time. True – moved from boring O-town back to Louisville and now am super-busy all the time. She told me I have great friends – DUH – that are all successful in what they do – DUH again – and they make me happy. True.

Then, she told me the other stuff. Like that I was single (um, duh) and that while it was good for me financially at the moment to not have to worry about paying for things for another person, it’s also something that’s been bothering me. Which is kinda true. I do get a little lonely sometimes. But anyways. She said it will happen but it will take time to get there – obviously, it’s taken some time already. And THEN, she said she saw me in a relationship with someone in a uniform, and they were involved with the military or law. (Hmmm, Hot Scott is a cop…)

There was a bad card that said me or whoever this mystery man is will get in a minor accident, but only if our relationship is in disharmony.. but all in all, I thought the whole tarot card thing was pretty interesting. I’m not gonna worry about it and when things will or won’t come true that she talked about, but it was something to think about.

Speaking of things to think about – seriously, what did I do to deserve being hung in my past life? Was I a famous criminal? Was I an outlaw? A bank robber? I want to know.