Sounds familiar

It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these..

For those who might be new to the party… I am in about three different group texts that I communicate in regularly, with my very best friends.

These texts aren’t from them, they’re ones that got submitted to textsfromlastnight.com, but they very easily could be from one or more of my friends.

Enjoy.

(816): I just bought myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.

(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned “I know this gets you going.” What?

(516): He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.

(281): I’m slowly getting to where I don’t hate people anymore.  (281): Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.

(978): I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can’t win ’em all

(585): There’s just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on

(203): So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later

(508): I just said “I love my cat” as a hobby.

(307): All im saying is that my face might fall off.

(425): Please don’t throw the wedding bouquet at me

(815): All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.

(423): But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.

(720): This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.

(540): Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.

(319): Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

(303): I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.

(757): Why is “Oprah of drinks” written on my arms?  (540): You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, “You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink.”

(910): It’s sad that I’m more proud of my Twitter account then my resume

(219): are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?

(860): I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon

(240): Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90’s and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!

(813): Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.

(845): If a treadmill opens up I’ll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth

(387): It’s astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know

(215): Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat

(415): I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED

(502): I mean, it’s just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can’t live up to it.

603): omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you’re singing “where are you Pizza” to the tune of “where are you christmas” too loudly

(321) YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT. 

(847): You texted me the words “butt stuff” 53 times in a four hour period last night.

(608): I’m just gonna put on a documentary and throw up

(207): I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked….

(813): This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)  (863): New phone new life!

(603): Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.

(978): i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930’s would have died from

(248): Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.

(360): All I’ve had to eat today are potatoes…and by that I mean vodka and chips

(216): Those nachos came to me in a dream

(425): I feel sorry for the person who’s phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I’m giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day

(707): So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up

(707): I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me’s hero

(519): Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.

(225): You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting

(585): I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk

(716): So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder

(575): Apparently I was telling them, “I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON’T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR,” and I pulled my hair back and puked.

(516): People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

(814): The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

Advertisements

Georgia On My Mind

I’m in love I’m in love and I don’t care who knows it!

With a city. Is that weird? Is that possible? Would that get me a show on TLC?

Naw, seriously though, if the city of Savannah, Georgia was a person… I might marry it.

Just sayin’.

My BFFs and I spent four-ish days in the city recently for Ash and Matty’s wedding and when time came to go home, I don’t think any of us wanted to.

I could go on and on about the beautiful city and awesome time we had, but I think that’s something better shown in photos. So get ready, ’cause there are a lot.

I could have filled up a memory card just on pictures of buildings…

This is the view of our place (we’re on the second floor with no blinds. Above Smoothie King.) from World Of Beer.

This is the first time ALL of us – all 7 of us and plus ones and Emma Em – had been together in a long time, so in true US fashion, we made sure we took some really great and flattering and awesome pictures of each other.

And while the purpose for our trip was celebrating the awesome Matt and our beautiful Ashley:

Who broke it down in what we dubbed “Wobble Park” because she held her own and got everyone’s attention with her dance moves to that song. And her shyness, obviously.

We also celebrated this young man, AKA The Roommate, who turned the big 3-0 but yet doesn’t look a day over 2-0 (and that’s a great thing, bud!).

It’s ridiculous how many pictures I took, so this is the first post of many. And these don’t even do it justice, really. One of the best times I’ve had in a long while.

See?

You can really tell in this picture. Excuse the look of crazy on my face. That’s what you get when you leave me with my best friends. And four strawberry daquiris.

The ‘Net’

No, not the Sandra Bullock movie (though bonus points for you if you knew that was a SB movie). And no, not the abbrevs vers of the Internet.

For the purposes of this entry, the Net refers to a group of friends. It’s a term that was used by a favorite blogger of mine, Kelle Hampton, in her recent amazing book that you should buy and read twice, “Bloom,” to describe her friends and family that were there to catch her and her loved ones when they were falling, when they ran into some circumstances that tested their strength.

I liked it, so I’m using it here.

I want to tell you about my “Net.” If my group of friends, was in fact a literal net, they’d be more like a patchwork quilt, stretched out tightly to catch me but still comfy and cozy and familiar. There’s no way I’d hit the ground and their warmth would surround me on all sides until I was ready to stand up again.

It’s not really a new discovery that I have great friends. I’ve known for quite a while. But I think with the weddings and new babies coming along and the growing up and moving on things, it’s becoming more apparent who is here to stay and why.

I’d put my friends into the two groups they are already in – the group I spend Game Nights and Field Days and Fake Proms and other random ridiculously awesome nights with – and the group we call CKR. (See related post about those kids here). There are a few outside of those two groups but they’re the main, strongest, longest-term ones so far.

Though one’s made up of significantly more family, every single one in both groups is my family. We’ve been through too much together not to be.

These friends, all of them, are the ones who:
• Know what you’re thinking with one look and vice versa.
• Know what you’ll say before you say it.
• Hurt when you’re hurting and feel joy when you feel joy.
• Will be there right beside you for your highest highs and your lowest lows.
• Will come spend the night and/or keep you company without having to talk about what it is that’s going on. They just know that you don’t want to be alone.
• Love on your babies like they were their own, in fact it almost feels like they are, weirdly enough.
• Welcome your significant other with open arms, unless he or she mistreats you or others, in which case, LOOK OUT.
• Send you silly text messages that are perfect when you’ve had a bad day.
• Are there for your “moments,” big or small, and encouraging you along the way.
• Want only what’s best for you.
• Know that sometimes all you need is a hug or a look and to know someone else “gets it.”
• Knows all your faults and loves you in spite of them, and sometimes even makes fun of you for them, but they’re allowed to.
• Make you laugh until you can’t breathe, you’re crying happy tears and your abs hurt like you did P90x.

Many people are lucky to have one person like this in their life. I am blessed to have several. And even more blessed that some of those I included up there are family.

Yes, my sisters and I are the anomaly that are friends and are close and can actually stand each other – which doesn’t always happen with siblings, especially sisters. They are two of the people I have the most fun with. Same goes for cousins, which is even rarer, but when your family is like ours and has the closeness we do, you’ve grown up like brothers and sisters so it’s only natural to treat them as such, in this case, by spending our free time with them, because they’re some of the best, funniest, funnest, most supportive, wonderful people in our lives.

There has been and will continue to be lots to celebrate with these kiddos, and I look forward to every bit of it.

And there will be hard times too, but they will be there for me and I will be there for them, that “Net” stretched out, ready and waiting to catch them when they fall and hold onto them until they’re ready to stand on their own.

day 07 – a song that reminds you of a certain event

You see, I’ve got these seven friends from college. They’re kind of my soulmates.

I’d try to explain how all the friendships started and the great times we’ve had and what I love about each of them but I’d probably have to start a completely separate blog to have enough room for all that.

So, suffice it to say, they’re amazing and I love them all and we try to reunite for a weekend of ab-workout-like laughter at least once a year. We call it CKR. And every time we get together it’s a guaranteed 48+ hours of pure hilarity and us trying not to remember that we don’t live in the same city anymore.

The very first reunion we had was in Ashley’s apartment and it’s where so much started. And it’s where we all drunkenly sang this song to each other and every time I hear it I’m reminded of that first CKR and the fact that I love those kids and can’t imagine my life without ’em.

Day 7 – Song that reminds you of a certain event.

Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” We WILL sing it pretty much every time we’re together. We’ll add a couple f-bombs to it that aren’t in the original and no one will understand what our deal is. And that’s why I love it.

And OMG I forgot how super-dramatic the video is….

Oh hey – missed the first six days of the 30 Day Song Challenge? Or do you just want to hear some of ’em again?

No prob. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Sounds familiar IV

That’s right. We’re up to four.

You might have seen here at on-account-of.com – that’s right, the wordpress part is gone, I own that domain, suckaaaas – where I share texts from TFLN that, in my opinion, sound like they could be from me or my friends or family.

Oh, you haven’t? Well here are Vols. one, two and three.

And I’m sure there will be more. But for now, here’s the latest ones that, had I not known better, could have totally come from my (or my friends’) phone. Thoughts, suggestions for Volume 5, general messages of love and appreciation? Leave ’em in the comments.

Sounds like….any of my friends, couldn’t narrow it down

(537) This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed.

(908) But I did once see a show where a woman was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes, it didn’t look half bad…so this is me promising to you that if i am ere living in an abandoned school bus I will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes.

(714) it has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends.

(215) i cont stop tolling in a british axsent.

(304) you had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

(781) my bra broke, so i macguyvered that shit together with floss.

(940) i’m not 100 percent sure but i think someone gave me a bath last night.

(254) the night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to willenium.

(732) the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on.

(214) what the hell you updated twitter but didn’t answer my text. i know you’re alive.

(323) literally had 100 drinks last night.

(484) in retrospect – making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.

(828) i just saw the host of singled out do standup. holy shit 1995.

(508) i guess i gave him a 20-minute play by play of the first three sections of R. Kelly’s Trapped in the closet.

(847) I think i have internal bruising from the poses we were doing last night. my own ribs hurt me, i don’t understand.

(336) why am i a bad person? you were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

(520) he just got home drunk. he ate five snack cakes, said little debbie’s his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

(417) was this before or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese and made it rain.

(859) did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring??

(360) it feels like jesse james cheated on america.

(216) i just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

(952) i had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as lady gaga

(616) omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90s shot by a jealous husband.

(609) wife swap. family of midgets. lifetime. now.

(925) make sure i look cute passed out on the couch

(310) fact: godric looks like david archuleta

Sounds like…between me and Anthony
(281) I love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy.

(443) where are you
(240) hypothermia

(316) also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I’m using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don’t really think that’s sanitary.

Sounds like…someone to or about Anthony

(205) he’s wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos “topless” since he took their tops off.

(518) he threw up on me. hugged my leg and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said ‘it’s like the sour patch kid commercials.”

(508) you kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like ‘balls of sandpaper.’

(229) you kept telling the cashier that this order was “to go” over an over. even though we were in the drive thru.

Sounds like…Caitlin

(805) for a minute i thought i needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then i remembered i’m in college.

(517) my roommate still talks on AIM. what is this, middle school?

(605) and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.

Sounds like…Liz

(732) that’s cool. i just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

(805) do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

(609) why does hilary duff have a greatest hits album

(484) they have a vomit trough.
(610) what?
(484) a trough for vomit.

Sounds like…Rachel

(314) disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. remember that one.

(845) so i’m in a museum and there’s a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. colonial hazing.

(702) i just realized there’s an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache. sad.

(717) how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way?
(1-717) you don’t.

(678) the police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

(401)THAT’LL be a good time. and i don’t know why my phone always capitalizes that word.

(504) Penelope Cruz needs to learn american words.

(301) i kept saying “bloody hell” in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up.

(386) also i just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at target.

(973) obama just said the words “we’re all in this together.” i wanted to start singing high school musical.

(970) i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houston’s “i wanna dance with somebody.” you left on my voicemail.

(312) the maid of honor just puked.

(503) bahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someones name tattooed on his arm, crossed out and another name below it.

(917) she’s still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom.

(480) she looked like the bat from fern gully.

(303) can’t remember why i called but it definitely had something to do with lou bega.

Sounds like….me

(502) why is it people are always in costumers on cheaters these days? Joey Greco just said “it appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw.” wtf?

(704) apparently i had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

(770) also you were throwing your phone yelling ‘this is durable as shit.’

(502) of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.’

(720) so i just got diagnosed with swine flu. i’m at walgreens and i look like crap and this guy keeps staring at me. i’m gonna cough in his face.
(970) well don’t.
(720) i didn’t. i just coughed and looked at him menacingly. he got it.

Sounds familiar III

It’s the third installment that I know you’ve all been waiting for. Not for the Cha Cha Slide – just FYI, the roommate refused to dance to part 2 at Daniel and Katy’s wedding to make his point that he’s still waiting for part 3. No, it’s the third part of the series of posts where I take posts from Texts From Last Night and show you which ones sound like which of my friends.

You can also go back and read parts one and two if you’d like.

Here they are. As always, let me know if you agree or disagree with any of them or want to add some of your own. Or, if you’ve read some that you think sound like they could be from me.

Sounds like…the roommate

She is two pictures of Justin Bieber away from being blocked from my newsfeed

I don’t think Brooke has ever known best

I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

I just woke up surrounded by unopened snacks.

I forgot I ate a salad for dinner, so while I was throwing up in the toilet, i kept screaming “I ate leaves?? i can’t believe you let me eat leaves!”

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

And everytime I fart, I feel like in your heart you can hear it

Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she’s not a man at the VMAs

Sounds like…someone to Anthony

We went through the McDonald’s drive thru and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.

You sang “shots, shots, shots” then walked to your top drawer and threw socks everywhere singing “SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!”

Thanks for making me watch you dance provocatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked good

Sounds like…Rachel

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
-engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate Draco.

Even iPhones love Lady Gaga. Everytime i type haha it trys to correct it to gaga.

why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album.

just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco while I played the Full House theme song in the background.

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because I thought I lost my phone.

So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips…like using her chip as a spoon.

Sounds like…CKR (including me)

And I quote: “where’s ya’lls from comin’ in with them accents?” – from a mississippi mcdonald’s

I think i’ve said don’t judge me 10 plus times tonight…is that a bad thing?
– yes
don’t judge me.

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, “Make sure your glasses and weave are secure”

Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed.

Sarcasm needs its own font

i’m drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.

We went to that German restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one.

I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind.

ESPECIALLY AFTER THIS WEEKEND…
There is a polo shirt epidemic at the bar. Also, I’m pretty sure I just saw the grown up coppertone baby.

Sounds like…any of my friends, couldn’t narrow it down to just one

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii.

Ash or Katie or Rebeck – if you changed “daughter” to “class”
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter

MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT

We walked into the bar in the Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

What ever happened to Devon Sawa?
-Who knows?
I’m really worried about him

I just saw some girl with the license plate “OBVIII..” I never wanted to get into a car accident so badly.

I’m 99% sure I saw a werewolf.

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter…how many you want?
-All of them.

I’m in the liquor aisle and a 10-year-old boy yells ‘My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?’

NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in a fight against lil Wayne and Snoop dogg.

this will be a night to untag.

I think I am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities.

today’s thought: if you’re naming your fb album “wEdDiNg dAy!!!” you’re too young to get married.

just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed…

there’s gonna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on MTV..WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS

i know I should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelled “suicidal” wrong.

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as ‘tim the tool man show.’ People born after 1990 are not people.

I hate cats. They’re so curious. It’s not their damn business.

There is a distinct lack of front teeth here

Mario Lopez in the poor mans Ryan Seacrest

he just spelled fiance “pheancie.” i don’t think he’s ready to get married.

i actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.

I hate you. I’m listening to Lady gaga and I can hear is boca base om om om ommmmmmmm

There is an asian family here. I heard the mom call her son onyong.

Life just isn’t the same without real world cancun

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life

I feel like every car around me knows I’m driving in my snuggie.

A lady just asked me if you “seat yourselves” here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 minutes.

Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it’s not Zach Morris.’ I no longer believe in true love.

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better…I gave it an A+

I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.

OMG A WOMAN’S PROSTHETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

Have you learned any life lessons?
-I like big butts and I cannot lie.

Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?

He kept yelling “osteoporosis” and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

…and we’re the three best friends that anyone could have, we’re the three best friends…

I really hope you got the title of this post. If you didn’t, well, you need to watch more movies – good movies.

What it really means, though, is that this past weekend I got to do what only happens a few times a year. I got to get together with my seven best friends from college for a weekend of awesomeness. For us, that means an ab workout just from all the laughing, and tons of good quotes and stories that we’ll talk about the next time we all get together. And the next time after that. And after that. Oh, and this particular time, we got together to watch one of ours get married.

Daniel and Katy got married Saturday and the weekend is one of the most fun I’ve had in a while. Even though we don’t all get to see each other when we do, we make it count.

Here’s proof – just a taste of the three days of awesome. Including quotes that were said by the people in this picture:

“Baby wants a salad.”

“Baby likes the grass.”

“Baby needs a miracle.”

“Baby is wasted.”

“Baby has not been like this since 2007.”

“I’m gettin’ real close to givin’ up.”

“I’m naked from the waist down.”

“What’s Hunter’s last name?”

“Do you have a fence?”

“Do you give advice?”

Ashley stares at me while she drinks pickle juice. Out of a bag.
“That pickle was a bad idea. (BURP)”
“It had a tail.”

“These Grippo’s are hot. We are like dragons.”

“If we weren’t (insert age between 80 and 112 here) then we could still hang.”

“It’s never too early to fist pump.”

“You caressed his face.”
“Yep. And then he said, ‘I’m going where she’s going.'”

“They won’t take us, they said five is too many.”

“Did you hear those Woo Girls downstairs?”

“Fist pumping is hard work – that’s why they go to the gym. I will never make fun of Snooki again.”

Me: “The Situation we are not.”
Rebeck: “I’m The Problem.”

“My hand was in the toilet water.”
“Why?”
“Because it felt good.”

“We were freezing. Because we were just covered in a piece of tissue paper.”

“When we’re done climbing Mt. Kilamunjaro…”

“This feels like a mountain.”

“Trevor is on life support.”

“My how the tables have turned…”

“I like the way you say ‘penguin.’ In Muhlenburg County we say ‘pennnnguin.’ You say ‘pinguin.'”

“I’m hungry. I want to go get an omelet.”

“Mehhh.”

“Just sayin’.” (Insert Snooki hand movement here).

“If they hadn’t taken away the wine cup pyramid, I’d have been able to keep track of how many I had.”

“You tried to steal sea salt.”

“I think someone stole one of my kidneys last night.”

“We’re gonna have to carry Baby out of here.”
Sammi: “On a stretcher.”

“We’ve nominated you to be the one that Stevie feeds like a baby bird later.”

“I spit chicken sandwich on the dashboard.”

“The bathroom floor was hard at one point, so I moved to the carpet..”

“And I said to him ‘Baby..’ …but I didn’t call him ‘Baby.'”

This is Stevie, by the way:

Other things we learned:
– If there are no options left for how you should pose in a picture, go with the “Coppertone Baby.”
– Buying drinks for each other at the gas station is totally romantical. As is eating an entire bag of Grippo’s and opening one of said drinks before you’ve even paid for your purchases.
– Giant pickles do not make a good breakfast. Especially if they have a growth.

– Trevor sometimes sleeps face down with all his clothes on on top of the covers. Do not be alarmed.
– Sammi sometimes sleeps on a couch cushion in front of the bathroom. Again, don’t be alarmed.
– Just when you think someone might be asleep, they roll over and poke you in the forehead and say “Boink!” Three Stooges-style.
– Hypochondria is real. And if you think you might have a concussion, don’t WebMD it.
– If the event you’re attending is black tie, it’s perfectly acceptable to bring a penguin head on a stick. However, he will sneak into almost all your pictures.
– Penguin heads on a stick also: eat bubbles, bite children, throw up the marbles from centerpieces, throw up in people’s purses, will feed you a Listerine strip from their mouth and can’t hold their liquor.

– Our group of friends WILL be the ones that sing ‘our version’ of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'”even if children are around.
– We will also be the ones fist-pumping. With the bride and groom.
– No matter what the bartender at Joe’s tells you, you CANNOT stand on tables at Hofbrauhaus. Or you will get yelled at.
– Not everyone will tell you what just happened if you walk through a mysterious orange-ish puddle. And who needs those caution signs?
– Sammi likes accordions.
– Eight people can fit in Erin and Nick’s jeep. But not all of them will be comfortable.
– When “Party in the USA” comes on, this happens:

And finally, no matter how far we live apart or how long it is between reunions, when we’re together it’s like nothing has changed. These are some of the greatest people I’ve ever met and my life would not be the same without them. Love you guys!

Sounds familiar II

It’s that time again – the time when I round up a bunch of my recent favorites from Texts from Last Night and share with you all the ones I think sound like me or someone I know.

I listed a bunch back in March that if I didn’t know better could have sworn were either sent by my friends, sisters or myself and if not, someone was texting in stuff they’d overheard us saying.

So, enjoy. And if you find one that sounds like me or a conversation between you and I, please share.

Sounds like…CKR (including me)

I hate when you make eye contact with someone because you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.

Apparently I called 911 every time Sean Kingston told me to.

I didn’t know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.

There’s a girl in the library on myspace. She must have missed the memo.

OMG. A creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!

Rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and gave it back to them.

(ME) I think I’ve said ‘don’t judge me’ 10+ times tonight…is that a bad thing?
– yes
don’t judge me

Spotted at Kelly Concert: 10-year-old in a homemade ‘I Do Not Hook Up’ T-Shirt. Well, I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.

(ME) Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though. The fight, not the board game.

I hope not. I just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating Bugles and crying because I had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when I stuck them on the ends of all my fingers

And honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN’T include the words ‘creeped him on Facebook’ is really not a story worth sharing.

Besides. I’m not in my 30s. I’m still allowed to drink wine from a bag.

Why is it impossible to run with a backpack without looking like a giant d-bag?
– Haha you just gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says ‘Make sure your glasses and weave are secure.’

LOST is over. My longest committed relationship is coming to an end.

Is it weird that I have contacts who I’ve classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
– Haha no it’s called college.

I forgot beer had calories.

I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

He just said ‘what’s the haps.’ I don’t know what the haps are but there goes his chances.

(ME) I just got cut off for correcting the bartender’s grammar. I should never have accepted that editor’s position.

Sounds like…Rebecca

Mind blown. Apparently, it’s PRErogative, not PERrogative. I blame Bobby Brown.

Now I’ll never know if Megan finds a Millionaire.

I need hand sanitizer and jesus. (Could also be from Anthony)

Sounds like…Anthony

I am puke

I would punch a child for Taco Bell.

On a side note, I not know what a $150 cab ride looks like.

Woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was ‘I make hot dog in toasTer.’

Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed. With all the lights on. And ketchup all over.

How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

Sounds like…Anthony or Rachel

Just so you know, coffee creamer + water does not = milk.

Sounds like…Rachel

Haha I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while texting. Bahahahahaha

A donut and a mojito for breakfast…Hellooooo Derby Weekend!

You don’t seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch Space Jam right now.

I feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.

In case you haven’t found it already in honor of Toy Story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?

I just had a dream that I could control how black Will Smith was with a remote. I need to stop sleeping with the TV on.

I just single-handedly caused Ferngully by printing the wrong 900-page document.

Sounds familiar

Texts From Last Night is maybe one of the funniest Web sites I’ve ever seen in my whole life. It never fails to make me laugh or make a face or occasionally think “hmm, this one sounds like it could by from one of my friends.”

So here they are, some of the favorites from the TFLN site that I’ve marked to either read back to my friends, look at when I need a laugh, or to do what I’m doing right now – let you know which ones sound like they could totally be from myself or someone I know. 🙂

Some sound like texts I’ve gotten from my best friends and sisters, some sound like actual conversations we’ve had when we were together. Some I can’t pin on just one person because my friends have a similar sense of humor. But I picked all of these because they sounded like things at least one – if not several – of my friends would send or say.

READ AT YOUR OWN RISK

Sounds like…CKR (including me)

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad.

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
Pledge alligien to american to united states of america.

You just took four shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.

I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of the 2pac songs on my ipod.

TBS has betrayed me by telling me Tyler Perry is funny.

I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to McDonalds.

Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5 a.m. to come and take us to Waffle House?

OMG. There’s definitely a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at Walmart holding a sign that reads “I can’t behave”

There’s a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a Miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.

We’re microwaving frozen margaritas, it’s not the same without you.

Is it sad that whenever I need to spell “independent” I still sing that one rap song?

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

Turns out I still hate Jay Leno, even at 10 p.m.

(To Anthony) You said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
(To Anthony) You washed your face with toilet water last night..I tried to stop you but you wouldn’t have it.
(To Anthony) So just in case you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there – you came home at 7 a.m., put ice in a cup – then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you “wanted water”. you then fell down the stairs while saying “you don’t know me” then crawled to the couch.

Sounds like…CKR or Jennifer
I’m glad we only fight about serious things like The Hills and Disney Scene It.

Sounds like…Rebecca, Ashley or Katie (all my teacher friends)
I mean I stumbled out of the club yelling at random people “I’m going to teach your kids someday!!”

Sounds like…Rebecca or Katie
This guy just used the pickup line “God must have spent a little more time on you.” I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.

Sounds like…Rebecca
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.

I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth with I was sleeping.
This only because I am remembering this one time at Rock The Bottle…haha..when she had a combination of what I believe was Natty Light and some other cheap beer and she said she felt like she had a redneck in her throat.

Sounds like…Rachel

I ate one of your animal crackers. Just one. Ok four. But no frosting. OK frosting.

I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook – it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.

I always forget that Thursday isn’t the weekend in the real world.

What is TOTES MAGOTES in Spanish?

Oh great. Kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. Go us.

I know you’re sleeping, sorry for waking you but I just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch.

He has that cheese in a can and he’s eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.

I have a food baby. I think it’s a boy.

Sounds like…Rachel or Anthony
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.

Sounds like…Anthony
People will do anything to get on MTV. Like get pregnant.

I just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest..I love Kentucky.

Don’t go back without me..they’ll know I’m pooping.

The smartest thing I’ve heard Obama do is call Kanye West a jackass.

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

The karaoke bar doesn’t have electric avenue. I’ll just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue.

I ate two chicken nuggets and puked out 5. That doesn’t even make mathematical sense.

I just sneezed and it tasted like Taco Bell.