Sounds familiar

This is the final entry in a long-running series – texts from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like they should/could be from my friends. We’ve had a good run, but I think it’s time I move on to other fun features for you guys.

So, please enjoy.

(609): I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.

(612): In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed

(703): Sexting is killing my work productivity but it’s okay because I’m self-employed

(650): Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.

(+44): I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT

(408): Every person I’ve ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.

(774): Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum…. I’m LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.

(571): He’s nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you’re. I win.

(513): And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I’m supposed to be awake now.

(215): I convinced her that there were two p’s in Chipotle – the 2nd one was silent.

(773): Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago

(709): So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today….. at work.

(608): I’m still home, my life isn’t together. Currently drying my pants

(859): Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you

(708): THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS

(810): The power of my boobs compel you

(828): I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it

(321): A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever

(617): You just get me

(443): I’m the wind beneath your wings, bitch

(505): We’re too hungover to prance.

(305): I’m sad about how hungover I’m gonna feel tomorrow.

(403): Clearly you’ve confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.

(989): I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.

(508): I’m currently deliberating if I’m going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.

(734): Margaritas just taste better when they’re bigger than your head

(812): Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone

847): He’s interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us

(208): He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive 

(315): Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots

(612): A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.

(484): dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread

(847): I can’t open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchat filter

(256): Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I’m a fucking lady.

(720): I’m torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers

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ANOTHER magical night

Once upon a time my girls and I had a Girls Night and watched Magic Mike.

Another night, we got brave and decided to do crafts and watch the best sequel of all time, Magic Mike XXL.

What follows, as before, is the unfiltered commentary overheard (from me by them) during the run of that beautiful film.

Enjoy.

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What happened at the end of the last one?

Is that awful girl in this?

Aw he has his furniture business!

I could watch him carry furniture all day.

He’s gonna drop it.
No he’s not going to ‘cause he’s a furniture specialist.

He can have a nicer car cause he has a business.

Pectorals.

I feel good about this scene.

Wait does Channing Tatum have bad teeth?

He should always chew gum all the time. Because of the jaw.

What if his worker guy came back?

I don’t understand?
It’s just about the camaraderie.

Wait where is Jacksonville? Is it on a beach?

This is the worst movie ever

This scene is lasting way too long.

Is he bandaged?

How is (Matt Bomer) not gay in this movie? He’s wearing a sarong.

What’s that? Molly?

(At the same time) It’s like ecstasy, It’s like cocaine

Is that Amy Schumer?

This is about to be weird.
This is about to be the best part of the movie.

Backstreet Boys, he loves them!

I would say “please clean up those Cheetos.”
He’s making a mess!

I’m not mad at this.

They’re littering so much. They’re gonna get pulled over for littering.

Is he asleep?

The car disappeared in the woods.

You don’t stay there for two days with a concussion. Or get oxygen.

They’re coming off the molly.

(Girl in uncomfortable pose) Whoa. Good for her.

TWITCH

I feel like she’s the lady in pirates of the Caribbean where you can’t understand what she does.

Oh Michael Strahan!

I feel like he should not have been allowed to do this.

He’s on television every morning!

Shhhhh. Twitch.

Pick up your money!

Oh god.

We have to listen to how hot this is.

Take your pants off, Jesus.

Childish Gambino: “he’s a magician”

I don’t even have a fucking clue what’s going on in this movie anymore.

Jada is a badass.
She’s a mom!
You can be a mom and a badass.

Do they sleep together? I hope they do..

What’s his name in this movie?
Mike.

Do they have to sign a medical waiver before they go to this place?

This is basically sex.

Rewind that so I can take a picture.

I got so excited I dropped my phone.

He’s everywhere.

He’s not picking up the money?
No somebody else picks it up later. They have somebody to do that.

Long discussion about Matt Bomer’s sexuality.

She looks like she’s dirty.
That’s ‘cause she’s married to Johnny Depp.

I hate everything about this.
Once again this scene is lasting too long.

Way to bring the mood down.

This part just really throws the whole mood off.

I’m so embarrassed. I don’t understand this scene.

This is a Christian movie.

Wait, rewind that. That’s the best part of the movie.

Every time they show Tarzan: Ew

Don’t forget your friend in the hospital!!

It’s taken them two days to get somewhere that takes six hours. They must have left on like a Tuesday!

Oh they got a new DJ to replace the dead one.

Lollipops – they’re gonna pick it up with their butts.

Are they gonna dance to lollipop? (sings old version)
NO NOT THE 1950s doo wop version.

Are they sewing?

I like this montage cause nobody is talking.

Myrtle Beach! Finally.

Her hair looks bad. It’s a low budget film

Typical. Racist. Sparkles.

I’m afraid they’re gonna be birds.
I’m afraid they’re gonna pick up the lollipops with their butts.

Oh god. Here we go.

I’m not prepared. Dear God.

Tarzan – get him out of the way first.

He is a bird!!

THAT IS SO MUCH!

D’angelo! OMG! That video – nobody? We are 30.

This is how people get hurt!

Herrow.

He looks GOOD in a tux (Joe Manganiello)

I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Why am I clapping?

This is the best wedding ever.

Suddenly I want a sex swing.
I’m getting one. How much do they cost? Do they sell them on Amazon?

She’s still in the swing.

How do you get to be an extra in this movie?

I want pleather pants – they sell them at Express.

He’s so hot.

This is absurd. This is the quietest we have been the whole movie

I feel like you shouldn’t be allowed to do this to strangers.

I can’t breathe.

Can we watch it again?

Twitch is hung.

I’m still not sure if this a competition or not.

Oh she’s still in the swing.

Yay he’s back!!! It’s Enrique Iglesias!

Remember when the swing came out and I didn’t know what to do with my hands?

Channing your life is still shit!

Tell me that’s the end. Yes!

Add this one to the resume

I can photograph babies. So, ya know, including that in my portfolio which now includes pretty much the entire spectrum – senior portraits, engagements, weddings, families, maternity and now, newborns!

My bffs Jennifer and Matt just had a baby. Grayson! He’s adorable and awesome and I love him a lot and I’m pretty sure the feeling’s mutual. Seriously, ask Jenn. She saw him fall in love with me. He’s also forgiven me for thinking he was a girl the whole time he was in the belly.

Disclaimer: Not so good at predictions. You should see my March Madness bracket for – oh, EVER.

Anyways. I am basically the Cook family photographer, a job I love. I get to hang out with my best friends and take pictures of them and their cute kids, which is not hard. Pretty sure both Matt and B are professional models.

Matt even wrote about it all on his blog – which you should totally be reading if you love beer, running, babies, or ya know, really good blogs.

Also he made me cry. In a good way though.

So yeah, Grayson.

A few weeks after it was born, it was time for his newborn photo shoot! It was a busy day for him, but he handled it like a pro. He had several costume changes and we made him lay around in just a diaper for a long time. And he rocked it. Champion.

Seriously, look at this stuff – I just held the camera. He did the work. Ha.

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And probably the very best part about this particular photo shoot? Baby snuggles. Before, during and after. They’re the best. A bit like crack, I’d imagine, but I’ve never done crack so that’s just a guess.

I can’t wait to watch this kid grow up and keep taking pictures of that adorable face!

The Fifth Season

There’s winter, spring, summer, fall and then WEDDING SEASON.

Name the movie where those two words are important. And then come watch it with me because you obviously have good taste in movies too and we should be friends if we aren’t already.

As you may have heard, I have a few weddings going on this summer.

Two have already happened – taking me to beautiful Savannah and Tybee Island to celebrate with Ashley and Matty and then Nashvegas to stand up with Rebecca while she married J-Bone.

It’s been a busy, fun, amazing, awesome, summer, and in less than three weeks, it’s time for my sister to marry Swarles! (I don’t use real names a lot. Don’t judge.)

I’ve taken my trusty little camera along for the adventures this summer and I’ve shared the sights of Savannah almost ad nauseum with you. (Be real, though, you loved every bit.)

What I haven’t shown you are those two weddings. I was Ashley’s official wedding photographer (so nervous that day…) and Rebecca’s official while-we’re-getting-ready photographer. And not to toot my own horn or anything – but I’m totally going to toot my own horn – they turned out pretty great.

These are not NEARLY all of them, but you get the idea. And there are a lot. So grab a cup of tea or coffee or bourbon and settle in for a bit to enjoy.

Those were two of the most fun days of my life and I loved being able to be there and be a part of those days for my beautiful girls. I’d do it all over again tomorrow. And again in less than three weeks. Ha.

This one’s in the Hall of Fame

I have experienced three “SPRING BREAK (FILL IN THE YEAR) BITCHES!!!!” in my lifetime. Two of those I have been able to experience with one of my bestest friends in the world, Sammi.

I’d tell you about those trips but that’s classified information. What happens in Florida, stays in Florida, except for those alcohol flashbacks.

Case in point, Sammi, several months after one of those trips: “My mouth tastes like Spring Break.”

day 07 – a song that reminds you of a certain event

You see, I’ve got these seven friends from college. They’re kind of my soulmates.

I’d try to explain how all the friendships started and the great times we’ve had and what I love about each of them but I’d probably have to start a completely separate blog to have enough room for all that.

So, suffice it to say, they’re amazing and I love them all and we try to reunite for a weekend of ab-workout-like laughter at least once a year. We call it CKR. And every time we get together it’s a guaranteed 48+ hours of pure hilarity and us trying not to remember that we don’t live in the same city anymore.

The very first reunion we had was in Ashley’s apartment and it’s where so much started. And it’s where we all drunkenly sang this song to each other and every time I hear it I’m reminded of that first CKR and the fact that I love those kids and can’t imagine my life without ’em.

Day 7 – Song that reminds you of a certain event.

Bonnie Tyler’s “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” We WILL sing it pretty much every time we’re together. We’ll add a couple f-bombs to it that aren’t in the original and no one will understand what our deal is. And that’s why I love it.

And OMG I forgot how super-dramatic the video is….

Oh hey – missed the first six days of the 30 Day Song Challenge? Or do you just want to hear some of ’em again?

No prob. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6.

Top 10, take two

To kick off blog birthday week, my suggestions this week are a bit on the self-promotion side.

OK, they’re all the way on the self-promotion side. I can’t lie to you guys.

This week my blog turns two. Hopefully, unlike I’ve heard it is with kids, this two-year-old won’t have anything remotely close to terrible. But that’s really for you all to decide I guess.

Anyway. As I did last year around this time, I’ve compiled a list (and y’all know how I love me some lists) of ten of my favorite blog posts I’ve written this year. Last year I put them in order, but this year, for the sake of a little bit of chaos, they’ll be in no particular order.

If you’ve read ’em already, thanks. If you haven’t, well, now you’ve got something to do while you’re procrastinating on whatever else you should be doing right now.

So, for your reading – or re-reading – pleasure:

1. There was that time I gave you basically a day inside my brain, a.k.a. a hypochondriac’s brain.

2. CKR. If you don’t know what it means, you really don’t need to. But here’s a little peek at one of our weekends together.

3. What does your family do on holidays? ‘Cause mine talks about who would be king – or queen – when if we were royalty.

4. Oh hey. Did you hear about how I had appendicitis? Yeah. That was a blast.

5. One day me and my sisters are gonna have our own cooking show. Except for the fact that none of us can cook, it should be awesome.

6. I did a couple more of those things where I list the Texts From Last Night that sound like my friends. This one was probably the best so far.

7. In one weird poetry-writing mood I was in, I decided to write haikus about my favorite television channel.

8. I have read – and seen – Twilight. But that doesn’t mean I like it.

9. I live with a boy. He is my best friend. But we do not give each other compliments.

10. About a year ago, I got my first massage ever. During this massage, the masseuse kind of yelled at me and then told me afterwards that I wasn’t a virgin. Peaceful.

Happy reading!

…and we’re the three best friends that anyone could have, we’re the three best friends…

I really hope you got the title of this post. If you didn’t, well, you need to watch more movies – good movies.

What it really means, though, is that this past weekend I got to do what only happens a few times a year. I got to get together with my seven best friends from college for a weekend of awesomeness. For us, that means an ab workout just from all the laughing, and tons of good quotes and stories that we’ll talk about the next time we all get together. And the next time after that. And after that. Oh, and this particular time, we got together to watch one of ours get married.

Daniel and Katy got married Saturday and the weekend is one of the most fun I’ve had in a while. Even though we don’t all get to see each other when we do, we make it count.

Here’s proof – just a taste of the three days of awesome. Including quotes that were said by the people in this picture:

“Baby wants a salad.”

“Baby likes the grass.”

“Baby needs a miracle.”

“Baby is wasted.”

“Baby has not been like this since 2007.”

“I’m gettin’ real close to givin’ up.”

“I’m naked from the waist down.”

“What’s Hunter’s last name?”

“Do you have a fence?”

“Do you give advice?”

Ashley stares at me while she drinks pickle juice. Out of a bag.
“That pickle was a bad idea. (BURP)”
“It had a tail.”

“These Grippo’s are hot. We are like dragons.”

“If we weren’t (insert age between 80 and 112 here) then we could still hang.”

“It’s never too early to fist pump.”

“You caressed his face.”
“Yep. And then he said, ‘I’m going where she’s going.'”

“They won’t take us, they said five is too many.”

“Did you hear those Woo Girls downstairs?”

“Fist pumping is hard work – that’s why they go to the gym. I will never make fun of Snooki again.”

Me: “The Situation we are not.”
Rebeck: “I’m The Problem.”

“My hand was in the toilet water.”
“Why?”
“Because it felt good.”

“We were freezing. Because we were just covered in a piece of tissue paper.”

“When we’re done climbing Mt. Kilamunjaro…”

“This feels like a mountain.”

“Trevor is on life support.”

“My how the tables have turned…”

“I like the way you say ‘penguin.’ In Muhlenburg County we say ‘pennnnguin.’ You say ‘pinguin.'”

“I’m hungry. I want to go get an omelet.”

“Mehhh.”

“Just sayin’.” (Insert Snooki hand movement here).

“If they hadn’t taken away the wine cup pyramid, I’d have been able to keep track of how many I had.”

“You tried to steal sea salt.”

“I think someone stole one of my kidneys last night.”

“We’re gonna have to carry Baby out of here.”
Sammi: “On a stretcher.”

“We’ve nominated you to be the one that Stevie feeds like a baby bird later.”

“I spit chicken sandwich on the dashboard.”

“The bathroom floor was hard at one point, so I moved to the carpet..”

“And I said to him ‘Baby..’ …but I didn’t call him ‘Baby.'”

This is Stevie, by the way:

Other things we learned:
– If there are no options left for how you should pose in a picture, go with the “Coppertone Baby.”
– Buying drinks for each other at the gas station is totally romantical. As is eating an entire bag of Grippo’s and opening one of said drinks before you’ve even paid for your purchases.
– Giant pickles do not make a good breakfast. Especially if they have a growth.

– Trevor sometimes sleeps face down with all his clothes on on top of the covers. Do not be alarmed.
– Sammi sometimes sleeps on a couch cushion in front of the bathroom. Again, don’t be alarmed.
– Just when you think someone might be asleep, they roll over and poke you in the forehead and say “Boink!” Three Stooges-style.
– Hypochondria is real. And if you think you might have a concussion, don’t WebMD it.
– If the event you’re attending is black tie, it’s perfectly acceptable to bring a penguin head on a stick. However, he will sneak into almost all your pictures.
– Penguin heads on a stick also: eat bubbles, bite children, throw up the marbles from centerpieces, throw up in people’s purses, will feed you a Listerine strip from their mouth and can’t hold their liquor.

– Our group of friends WILL be the ones that sing ‘our version’ of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin'”even if children are around.
– We will also be the ones fist-pumping. With the bride and groom.
– No matter what the bartender at Joe’s tells you, you CANNOT stand on tables at Hofbrauhaus. Or you will get yelled at.
– Not everyone will tell you what just happened if you walk through a mysterious orange-ish puddle. And who needs those caution signs?
– Sammi likes accordions.
– Eight people can fit in Erin and Nick’s jeep. But not all of them will be comfortable.
– When “Party in the USA” comes on, this happens:

And finally, no matter how far we live apart or how long it is between reunions, when we’re together it’s like nothing has changed. These are some of the greatest people I’ve ever met and my life would not be the same without them. Love you guys!