This is the final entry in a long-running series – texts from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like they should/could be from my friends. We’ve had a good run, but I think it’s time I move on to other fun features for you guys.
So, please enjoy.
(609): I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
(612): In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
(703): Sexting is killing my work productivity but it’s okay because I’m self-employed
(650): Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
(+44): I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
(408): Every person I’ve ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
(774): Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum…. I’m LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
(571): He’s nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you’re. I win.
(513): And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I’m supposed to be awake now.
(215): I convinced her that there were two p’s in Chipotle – the 2nd one was silent.
(773): Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
(709): So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today….. at work.
(608): I’m still home, my life isn’t together. Currently drying my pants
(859): Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
(708): THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
(810): The power of my boobs compel you
(828): I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
(321): A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
(617): You just get me
(443): I’m the wind beneath your wings, bitch
(505): We’re too hungover to prance.
(305): I’m sad about how hungover I’m gonna feel tomorrow.
(403): Clearly you’ve confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
(989): I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
(508): I’m currently deliberating if I’m going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
(734): Margaritas just taste better when they’re bigger than your head
(812): Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
847): He’s interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
(208): He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
(315): Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
(612): A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
(484): dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
(847): I can’t open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchat filter
(256): Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I’m a fucking lady.
(720): I’m torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers