Former president, vampire hunter, alleged depression sufferer, non-namesake of Ashley’s baby and bearded wonder Abraham Lincoln once said “Most of us are just about as happy as we make up our minds to be.”
Suffice it to say, it’s been a long winter. So long in fact, I’m pretty sure it’s still going, even though legally on the calendar its technically already Spring. Pshaw.
And with winter, comes SAD. And if you don’t believe that’s a thing, Seasonal Affective Disorder, I defy you to tell me this weather hanging on for a ridiculously long amount of time hasn’t effected you in some way.
I’m not saying I have that disorder, so don’t go all eye-rolly and think “Oh here comes the hypochondria again.” But a part of it – luckily for me a small part of it – plays a part when you have regular ol’ run-of-the-mill depression. And it sucks ass.
You may have noticed a severe lack in posting since oh, whenever you noticed it? Yeah. About that…
I tend to take accidental breaks from blogging a lot. Usually something – or twenty – comes up and I have literally no time to do much of anything else, especially work on a computer when it’s not related to my job.
This last one? It wasn’t really accidental. I’ve stared at my computer many a time in these last several weeks and wanted to write. But the words wouldn’t come. The motivation wouldn’t come. I couldn’t do it. So I didn’t. I didn’t force myself.
I’ve mentioned before how I tend to get in these “funks,” where I don’t know why I’m bothered but I am. Everything feels heavy, too much to deal with. I don’t wanna talk, I don’t wanna text, I don’t wanna write – the one thing I need the most to deal with this disease I have in my brain.
It’s been mostly just “meh” before. But this time it was different.
You know those commercials for antidepressants where they talk about how “hello hurts,” etc.? They’re not joking. Or over-exaggerating. That’s really a thing. Everything hurts. For no good reason.
I didn’t write about the Polar Plunge until a few weeks later. I had that post written in my head about 10 seconds after I got out of the Ohio. But the effort it took to put that on the blog? Too much.
I had about 10 post ideas stockpiled and ready to go. I had plans for the week my blog turned four years old. But I couldn’t make myself write. I had the time..I just didn’t have the desire. And I hate that.
Yeah I wear my heart on my sleeve but you’d be surprised how much you don’t know about how I’m feeling sometimes. And this time, I couldn’t hide it, though I was trying. People noticed something was off. People that I never in a million years would have expected to. And when they asked me what the deal was? I didn’t have an answer.
Did you know that you don’t have to have an answer for everything? Ever? Hell of a concept.
Sometimes you just feel like shit. Sometimes you just can’t escape that dark cloud hanging over your head, no matter how much you want to. Sometimes you have to wait it out.
And I did. And it got better.
I feel about 40 times better than I did, say, a month ago. I made it through. And I’m grateful. It never got scary-bad. But I was down. And unfortunately there are some who are still in that place. Who go farther down the rabbit-hole and can’t get out alone.
That quote from the beginning of this post? I re-tweeted it today because a while ago I made the decision to be happy, despite whatever other drama there was, despite the fact that I have a chemical imbalance that does all it can to prevent that from happening most of the time.
This is not to say the low points won’t ever happen again. Obviously that’s impossible. And obviously I’m not a robot. But 100 percent of the time I am CHOOSING to be happy. It’s just sometimes my brain has other plans.
So yeah, I’m ready for Spring.