In lieu of buying all those stamps…

For the past couple years I’ve been a legit grown-up – out of school with a job and apartment – I’ve sent Christmas cards to family and friends. This year, for many reasons, I decided not to send any. Instead I’m being cheap and sort-of creative. Plus, pretty much everyone that I’d be sending a card to reads this blog, at least every so often.

So, here you go. My Christmas wish to you. It’s short, it’s sweet, it’s pretty.

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Ode to a channel/Why I need to get a life

I probably should just leave the TV off before I go to bed. I’d probably sleep better. Or I could at least put it on the History Channel. That’s usually guaranteed to put me to sleep, unless of course they’re showing “Gangland” or something – because I’m not about to not learn how to survive should I ever go to jail. Not that I would.

Speaking of jail, though… you’ve heard how I think I was either a criminal or a cop in a past life. So that may explain why I like truTV. It’s got a lot of crappy shows, but there’s a lot of good stuff too – like COPS, Forensic Files and tons of those shows where you can watch videos of people breaking their bones or something else.

Oh, and Sunday nights they show Las Vegas Jailhouse. I never want to go to jail, btw. I wouldn’t last a day.

Anyways. That’s the channel I watch before bed. And it gives me crazy dreams sometimes, but mostly it’s just interesting.

Seriously, the intro to Forensic Files is always something completely off the wall that hooks you – for example, something like “Find out how a toilet paper roll, a pencil and a VHS copy of The Little Mermaid helped stop a serial killer.”

I’m not even joking. Sometimes those intros come up and I’m like, “dammit, now I’m hooked!” They can figure anything out through forensics. It’s unbelievable.

So. Here are a few haikus to show my love for channel 36 on my TV. I need to get a life, I know. Don’t remind me.

Forensic Files
Blades of grass can solve murders
Who needs blood or hair

TruTV you are
my favorite channel but
you should show Cheaters

Las Vegas Jailhouse
What to do when arrested
Keep your damn mouth shut

Shocking videos
Cringeworthy, but I still watch
They have a death wish

COPS, COPS, COPS, COPS, COPS
I’ll watch any day or time
Wish I had G4.

Got me lovestoned…

You’ve met my movie boyfriend and my TV boyfriend. You’ve also met my athlete boyfriend. You didn’t think I’d forget a musician, did you? 😉

This guy…this is my musician boyfriend.

Dear Justin,

First of all, don’t get mad that I liked JC more back in the ‘NSYNC days. I blame your hair, which has since gotten MUCH better. Also, I loved you on the Mickey Mouse Club…what I remember of it. I’m younger than you, just a little bit though.

I don’t remember when exactly it was I fell in love with you. It was somewhere around the “Pop” video and/or when you came out with your solo album and I realized how much you needed a hug.

Then you were on SNL. And I found out how funny you were – which is good because I’d been worried about your acting. I saw that one Disney movie you did while you were still in ‘NSYNC. AND THEN, you sang Rainbow Connection with Kermit the Frog. And that’s when I knew we needed to get married.

It was a close one, I’ll admit, deciding between you and Michael Buble for this honor (And trust me, it’s an honor. I’m awesome), but when it came down to it, I think you were the clear winner all along. I mean, I can listen to “Cry Me A River” 100 times in a row. And your version of “Hallelujah”? Yeah. Amazing.

Plus, you’re pretty easy on the eyes. And that, my dear, is the biggest reason I will pretend not to notice how ridiculous the lyrics to “Carry Out” are. Also I love you.

Love,
Laura

Farewell, old friend

This is my last post about cars. Seriously. I promise. Maybe. At least for a while.

For almost a week now, I’ve been driving the new car and I feel kind of bad to say it, but I am not really missing the other one all that much. Monday and Tuesday I did, but in the past couple of days, I’ve kind of….gotten over it.

But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve a proper good-bye.

Like any other relationship, things started well. I liked the Focus, I wanted to drive it everywhere and show it off and when people needed a ride, I was first to volunteer because “ISN’T THIS CAR GREAT?” Keep in mind, kids, that I hadn’t had one in almost three years at that point, too. I even gave it a nickname – because my sister and I had almost identical cars (they were different colors) we started calling them Mary Kate and Ashley.

The lil’ Focus got me where I needed to go. I got it before the end of my junior year of college. And thank God I did, because when I had to pack up all my stuff and move out at the end of the semester, loading up my car and going was a lot quicker way to get away from the DEVIL INCARNATE than waiting for Mom and Pop to come pick me up from Louisville. It took me from Madisonville, where I had my first newspaper internship, to BG several times, and to Louisville the few times I decided to brave the Western Kentucky Parkway – AKA THE MOST BORING ROAD YOU’LL EVER DRIVE ON.

When I lived in Owenton and wanted nothing more than to be able to come back to Louisville and see my friends, my family, have a social life, it got me home and back, with no problems. But oh, the problems would come.

My Focus was made in 2001. It was four years old when I got it in 2005 and eight years old this past summer when it finally hit 100,000 miles. No big deal right? Wouldn’t have been, if my car hadn’t come to a dead, clunking, stop in the middle of traffic. And then it wouldn’t start again. Yeah. That happened 11.5 hours into a 12-hour drive to a relaxing vacation. What was wrong? Oh nothing, JUST THE FUEL PUMP. I don’t know much about cars, but I know the important stuff, like, A FUEL PUMP IS IMPORTANT. Luckily we found out it was a recall and got it fixed for free, but still.

Before that, it was a random window problem. The back windows, which neither I nor my passengers had ever even touched, started just falling down one day. Okay, maybe someone tried to roll it down, but they didn’t do anything wrong to it. After that, it just fell. All the time. I’d be driving and all the sudden it sounded like I was in a wind tunnel. Turns out, the window right behind me was just ALL THE WAY DOWN. And when I took it in to be fixed, wouldn’t ya know, the other one fell too. Seems it was right on the edge..good thing they took care of it. UGH.

The radio’s gone out randomly, the battery didn’t fit where it was supposed to so it was basically jammed in there. And when I traded it in Sunday, the check engine light had been on for almost a month. I’d say it was time. But you knew all this.

What you may not know are the good times.

In addition to all those places I listed above, that little car got me to and from two awesome Spring Breaks in college, stuffed to the gills with suitcases and other stuff we really didn’t need to bring but did, like, another suitcase. It got me to a couple CKRs and a couple of partial CKRs when I needed it to. Then there was “Spring Break 2005,” also known as “when Rebeck, Daniel, Carey, Anthony and I went to Puertos and Daniel was Dorian and saw people looking at him looking at them looking at him.” There was the Kings Island Road Trip where Rebeck and I made up interpretive dances and there was that woman with the bouffant in Anthony’s back seat.

There’s a million more things I could list, trips I went on or places I went that car got me – and usually 1 to 4 of my friends to, safe and sound. But I’m not gonna do that. It would take too long.

So, again, like any relationship, on Sunday night when I cleaned it out and turned in the keys, I did feel a little sad for a minute. It was my car for four years. And now it’d be someone else’s. There was a short little mourning period. Now though, I just try and remember the good times we had and I know that little car will make someone else very happy. Or be sold for parts. Whatever.

Good-bye lil’ Focus. We had some good times, and some bad times. But mostly good. I’ll miss you.

Reason #12493024928

Dear Naveen,
I’ll admit, it took some time to warm up to you when I started watching LOST. Blame it on several teenage years spent watching “Party of Five” – Matthew Fox is hot, too. Then there was Sawyer, who they showed a lot of with his shirt off, and Charlie, who is always hilarious and who doesn’t like a guy with a good sense of humor?

But then, something changed. Maybe it was when I heard you speak in your real accent – which I’m a sucker for. Maybe it was when, on the show, you broke someone’s neck with just your legs and I realized how seriously bad-ass you are.

And I know that’s not how you are in real life, or maybe it is. And you like older women, which means I don’t have a chance because I’m a bit younger than you. But, I’m so happy you’re on this show, because even if it confuses me, sometimes I can just sit there and say “Sayid’s there, I’ll just look at him.”

I don’t know what I’m gonna do without getting to see you every week once this show ends in May – good thing I have the DVDs though, because, I’m sorry, The Brave One was horrible.

Love, Laura

He’s my soulmate…or at least I want him to be.

Dear Jason Segel,
I think you’re awesome.
While I don’t know too much about you personally – except for what I’ve read in my Rolling Stone and a recent issue of Vanity Fair – I know enough. I know that you make me laugh – I Love You, Man was hilarious, and you are a big part of why I now can’t miss an episode of How I Met Your Mother (I love NPH too, though).
I know that I remember thinking you were great when you were the angry guy in Dead Man on Campus and when you were in the highly underrated movie, Slackers, with Devon Sawa, before everyone realized how awesome you were after Knocked Up and Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
You’re cute – I think of you in real life being like the character you play in I Love You, Man – I hope you wear swim trunks and Uggs out to walk around in real life. I know you drive a Vespa in real life, which is also pretty cool. And I hope you’re a little like Marshall on HIMYM because I am totally (totes magotes) jealous of Alyson Hannigan for getting to be your tv wife.
But maybe my favorite thing about you is that you are writing the new Muppets movie. It’s nice to know someone appreciates the Muppets as much as – actually, maybe even more than I do.
That is really all. Just wanted you to know I love you. 🙂
Love,
Laura

Jason