ANOTHER magical night

Once upon a time my girls and I had a Girls Night and watched Magic Mike.

Another night, we got brave and decided to do crafts and watch the best sequel of all time, Magic Mike XXL.

What follows, as before, is the unfiltered commentary overheard (from me by them) during the run of that beautiful film.

Enjoy.

———————————————

What happened at the end of the last one?

Is that awful girl in this?

Aw he has his furniture business!

I could watch him carry furniture all day.

He’s gonna drop it.
No he’s not going to ‘cause he’s a furniture specialist.

He can have a nicer car cause he has a business.

Pectorals.

I feel good about this scene.

Wait does Channing Tatum have bad teeth?

He should always chew gum all the time. Because of the jaw.

What if his worker guy came back?

I don’t understand?
It’s just about the camaraderie.

Wait where is Jacksonville? Is it on a beach?

This is the worst movie ever

This scene is lasting way too long.

Is he bandaged?

How is (Matt Bomer) not gay in this movie? He’s wearing a sarong.

What’s that? Molly?

(At the same time) It’s like ecstasy, It’s like cocaine

Is that Amy Schumer?

This is about to be weird.
This is about to be the best part of the movie.

Backstreet Boys, he loves them!

I would say “please clean up those Cheetos.”
He’s making a mess!

I’m not mad at this.

They’re littering so much. They’re gonna get pulled over for littering.

Is he asleep?

The car disappeared in the woods.

You don’t stay there for two days with a concussion. Or get oxygen.

They’re coming off the molly.

(Girl in uncomfortable pose) Whoa. Good for her.

TWITCH

I feel like she’s the lady in pirates of the Caribbean where you can’t understand what she does.

Oh Michael Strahan!

I feel like he should not have been allowed to do this.

He’s on television every morning!

Shhhhh. Twitch.

Pick up your money!

Oh god.

We have to listen to how hot this is.

Take your pants off, Jesus.

Childish Gambino: “he’s a magician”

I don’t even have a fucking clue what’s going on in this movie anymore.

Jada is a badass.
She’s a mom!
You can be a mom and a badass.

Do they sleep together? I hope they do..

What’s his name in this movie?
Mike.

Do they have to sign a medical waiver before they go to this place?

This is basically sex.

Rewind that so I can take a picture.

I got so excited I dropped my phone.

He’s everywhere.

He’s not picking up the money?
No somebody else picks it up later. They have somebody to do that.

Long discussion about Matt Bomer’s sexuality.

She looks like she’s dirty.
That’s ‘cause she’s married to Johnny Depp.

I hate everything about this.
Once again this scene is lasting too long.

Way to bring the mood down.

This part just really throws the whole mood off.

I’m so embarrassed. I don’t understand this scene.

This is a Christian movie.

Wait, rewind that. That’s the best part of the movie.

Every time they show Tarzan: Ew

Don’t forget your friend in the hospital!!

It’s taken them two days to get somewhere that takes six hours. They must have left on like a Tuesday!

Oh they got a new DJ to replace the dead one.

Lollipops – they’re gonna pick it up with their butts.

Are they gonna dance to lollipop? (sings old version)
NO NOT THE 1950s doo wop version.

Are they sewing?

I like this montage cause nobody is talking.

Myrtle Beach! Finally.

Her hair looks bad. It’s a low budget film

Typical. Racist. Sparkles.

I’m afraid they’re gonna be birds.
I’m afraid they’re gonna pick up the lollipops with their butts.

Oh god. Here we go.

I’m not prepared. Dear God.

Tarzan – get him out of the way first.

He is a bird!!

THAT IS SO MUCH!

D’angelo! OMG! That video – nobody? We are 30.

This is how people get hurt!

Herrow.

He looks GOOD in a tux (Joe Manganiello)

I don’t know what to do with my hands.

Why am I clapping?

This is the best wedding ever.

Suddenly I want a sex swing.
I’m getting one. How much do they cost? Do they sell them on Amazon?

She’s still in the swing.

How do you get to be an extra in this movie?

I want pleather pants – they sell them at Express.

He’s so hot.

This is absurd. This is the quietest we have been the whole movie

I feel like you shouldn’t be allowed to do this to strangers.

I can’t breathe.

Can we watch it again?

Twitch is hung.

I’m still not sure if this a competition or not.

Oh she’s still in the swing.

Yay he’s back!!! It’s Enrique Iglesias!

Remember when the swing came out and I didn’t know what to do with my hands?

Channing your life is still shit!

Tell me that’s the end. Yes!

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Maybe wait a little longer…

Among my 6 million jobs currently getting me to the next time I have full-time employment is babysitting. I’ve been doing a lot of hanging out with children under the age of 5 this summer.  

And that, as you may know, can come with some great stories. Because you never know what they will say. 

Take, for example, young Cooper, age 3, who talked up a storm when I took him to school the other day. 

Best thing he said though was about his future career goals: “I only have to go to school until I’m 17. And then, if somebody needs a dad, I can be their dad!” 

Sounds familiar

It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these..

For those who might be new to the party… I am in about three different group texts that I communicate in regularly, with my very best friends.

These texts aren’t from them, they’re ones that got submitted to textsfromlastnight.com, but they very easily could be from one or more of my friends.

Enjoy.

(816): I just bought myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.

(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned “I know this gets you going.” What?

(516): He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.

(281): I’m slowly getting to where I don’t hate people anymore.  (281): Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.

(978): I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can’t win ’em all

(585): There’s just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on

(203): So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later

(508): I just said “I love my cat” as a hobby.

(307): All im saying is that my face might fall off.

(425): Please don’t throw the wedding bouquet at me

(815): All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.

(423): But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.

(720): This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.

(540): Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.

(319): Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.

(303): I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.

(757): Why is “Oprah of drinks” written on my arms?  (540): You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, “You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink.”

(910): It’s sad that I’m more proud of my Twitter account then my resume

(219): are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?

(860): I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon

(240): Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90’s and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!

(813): Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.

(845): If a treadmill opens up I’ll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth

(387): It’s astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know

(215): Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat

(415): I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED

(502): I mean, it’s just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can’t live up to it.

603): omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you’re singing “where are you Pizza” to the tune of “where are you christmas” too loudly

(321) YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT. 

(847): You texted me the words “butt stuff” 53 times in a four hour period last night.

(608): I’m just gonna put on a documentary and throw up

(207): I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked….

(813): This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)  (863): New phone new life!

(603): Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.

(978): i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930’s would have died from

(248): Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.

(360): All I’ve had to eat today are potatoes…and by that I mean vodka and chips

(216): Those nachos came to me in a dream

(425): I feel sorry for the person who’s phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I’m giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day

(707): So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up

(707): I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me’s hero

(519): Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.

(225): You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting

(585): I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk

(716): So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder

(575): Apparently I was telling them, “I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON’T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR,” and I pulled my hair back and puked.

(516): People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas

(814): The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.

Sounds familiar

As I’ve said before – my Game Night Bitchezzz and I have a GroupMe thread that’s been going on basically forever and it’s the best thing to happen to all of us, ever.

The conversations that go on in there I couldn’t explain if I tried, and I love that. They range in topic by the text, just about, and I laugh out loud reading them constantly.

The texts below aren’t from the GroupMe because what happens in there stays there, but they’re close. Some of them a little TOO close. The texts below are the ones from textsfromlastnight.com that sound like my friends. I’ve shared those a few times with you at this point..

And here are the latest. Enjoy.

(+61): only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece.

(570): Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with “I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me”.

(515): Can’t a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?

(540): I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don’t have to leave my bed all day.

(773): please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.

(403): Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally

(661): What a dumb baby whore.

(405): She’s like the pied piper of lesbians.

(717): Fuck that.  I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

(505): There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted “the pilgrims are here!” And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.

(604): every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

(410): I’ve been drunk in my life. But I’ve never been “crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon” drunk

(202): there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

(920) This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won’t throw up but I might cry.

(563) I don’t want to jinx anything but I may have found the one
(262) Cat or human?
(563) Human

(813): He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.

(303): My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because “I looked like I needed them.”

(267): Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?

(816): You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption “best friend”

(919): every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like “thanks happy birthday to you too”

(941): Thanks for coming over. I’m sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
(618):There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I’m at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
(972): If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.

(585): PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME

(+44): This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he’s licking his headphone cords.
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(407): The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
(201): I didn’t know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji

(248): After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
(305):And then my night got REAL pukey

(913):Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no

(919):I’m so hungover I can’t taste anything

(217):I get a little bitchy. We all know that
(920): Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.

(864): I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.

(201): Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?

(617): you wouldn’t let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled “BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT” and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
(508): it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10

(636): I’m the Oprah of jello shots

(972): I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.

(301): You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.

(954): Cause I’ll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell “Cobra attack” and walk away

(989): I don’t want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.

A magical night

Once upon a time last week, my friends/cousins/sisters and I had a Girls Night. Originally our plan had been to watch Sharknado 2 together, because OBVIOUSLY. However, luckily for us and you, that plan got changed to the classic piece of cinema entitled “Magic Mike,” on account of the majority of the girls hadn’t seen it (travesty) and because of course girls night has to include ogling Channing Tatum.

Because I’d seen it before, and I knew that the reactions would be great, I took notes of what was said by my girls while we watched. Except for when this happened I got a bit distracted…

Oh man…

Anyways.

What follows is a word-for-word account of their viewing of the movie. Reader discretion is advised and names have been redacted to protect the filthy.

—–

Buuuuttttt!!!!!!!

I wouldn’t be mad if he slapped me.

Wait there’s nudity in this?

I hate seeing boobs in movies.

Is this rated R?

That’s why we’re watching this. I heard the plot was really interesting.

What’s happeninggggg….

This guys a terrible actor. (Alex Pettyfer)

He has a baby and he’s married. (Channing Tatum)

They met on Step Up.

What just happened?

I’m so uncomfortable.

Are you serious?

I can’t decide if this is hot or not.

Whoa.

That guy is from CSI Miami.

Whoa holy shit.

Isn’t that illegal?

Oh my god this plot is so predictable.
You don’t watch it for the plot.

In his hoodie? That’s not nice.

What if he doesn’t have a good body?

This isn’t cute.

This is what sex is really like. Shameful and embarrassing.

Did he just rub his nipple?

This is weird.

He stole their money.

Ohhhhh

You’re gonna regret this. What is she doing?

That isn’t anyone’s 21st birthday. You black out.

Is he throwing her into the ocean?

If all your friends jumped off a bridge…

Is your phone in your pocket? How are you gonna get out of there?

Oh my God you guys it’s a movie. And it’s about strippers. Shut up.

Are you a nurse? No I just wear this fucking outfit every day. What if she’d said that?

Thousands of women? More like 30. 37?

This is making me not like Matthew McConaughey as much.

Why does he have that on his head?

Why is he so good at moving his hips?

I have those shorts.

Oh I think they’re having butt sex.

Are you guys cuddling like you’re watching a scary movie?

Did he stick it?

Ooh it’s an elephant.

I love elephants.

Wait there’s a store just for this? It’s called Cirillas.

What if he needs to wipe multiple times?

This is the best stripper song ever. (Save a Horse[Ride a Cowboy])

He invited his sister? Why did she come? You gotta support your family.

She looks like she just got her wisdom teeth pulled.

You can’t throw your pants. Then what do you have?

This is so hot. I watched this like five times on YouTube one day.

He’s really good at dancing.

He’s amazing.

The fuuuuuck…..

How does he keep his hat on?

Oh. My God.

Ew.

I’m confused. They throw their clothes but do they get them back? Or do they buy new clothes every night?

Did he just take her shirt off?

Wait you cannot do that. That’s not allowed. That’s invasive.

He slapped her. With his penis.

It’s like Cosmo. They said do it like a penis pendulum.

He looks black right there so he looks really hot

He rubbed that shirt in his pants and threw it. I don’t think I would want that. I would.

He has knee pads on.

Is that Marie?!?!? (From Breaking Bad)

Ugh he is sexy in those grandpa glasses.

She is not cute. Why didn’t they get a cuter girl?

I’m trying to figure out what’s going on with her jaw. I think she might be a slut? Or a man.

They’re going to a sandbar that’s fun.

With kegs.

Oh she’s skinny as shit.

Where’s her ass crack?

That’s the girl that was in the threesome. Not everyone wants to be touched by her.

Her legs are 70 percent of her body.

[[[[[10 minute inappropriate convo]]]]]

Hey what does Mike have to say?

I love America.

Army men? Holy shit.

His pants are ripped. They’re s’posed to be. Cause of this.

Are they just hugging? What’s happening? He’s sad about it.

They’re so creative.

This is so fun.

All the girls that come to this club are hot. That’s convenient.

Emily’s like the Matthew McConaughey of this group. Stop kissing people.

He just wants to build furniture. And have threesomes. Like a normal person.

Guys. He’s supposed to be my age.

Stop calling her. Why don’t you just text her? He’s a gentleman.

I’m so confused by what just happened.

Wait who took drugs?

When did drugs become a part of the plot?

Sami explains drug part

Wait I thought he was like ‘Do you wanna get a place together?’

I didn’t see anyone doing drugs.

Real movie drugs get snorted.

You gonna shave your armpits? Her armpits look fine! That’s mean!

This is why you guys missed the drugs. Cause you’re talking.

Omg she’s pregnant? Who is pregnant? Shut uppppp.

Do you have duct tape?

Ugh see look how short her torso is.

Where’s her butt?

It’s cute they’re flirting he’s a stripper.

This is a sorority house — boys can just be in the basement.

Who called them to the sorority?

They have nice shoes.

The windows are open.

Those guys would not still be there.

Naked fighting!

Where’d they find clothes? They should always have backups in the truck.

I thought they were friends. Why are they fighting? Drugs comes between everybody.

They’re not selling drugs oh my Goddd.

Does he have a corset on?

I don’t understand why they throw money at them?

Why is there a music video happening?

I thought this was a harmless innocent movie about male strippers he was supposed to get equity.

They’re sweaty cause those drugs make you sweat.

The cameras aren’t slower. The people are.

That is a lot of skin to grab. That looked painful.

Glitzy!

Is Glitzy eating his vomit?

She is such a bad actress. She’s awful.

Oh someone passed out and puked. That’s never happened. Let’s freak the fuck out about it.

He’s all messed up. He was wearing a shirt on the beach.

He did it for the ugly girl. That’s real love.

That was genius screenwriting.

I would punch him in the face.

I hate this person.

Where’s Glitzy?

There’s always gotta be a host for the strippers.

Whyyyy those are expensive? (broken guitar)

He has real butt cheeks.

Do we like his butt? I didn’t look that closely.

Is that a double?
If I know Matthew McConaughey, then no.

‘Everyone praise my dick’ This is idolatry.

Wait wait wait someone just picked money up off the stage and threw it at him. That has to be against the rules.

How do they pick up all that money?

Stop hugging! You’re sweaty.

There’s so much hugging.

What are you doing here? With your vest on?

No, Mike look at her hair, no.

They’re gonna do it.

That was it really? That’s the end?

He just quit stripping?

Cubicle Neighbor Chronicles Part IV

Editor’s note: This post was not written by the author of this blog. The author of this post has asked to remain anonymous on account of he/she does not want to lose his/her job.

In the past I regularly shared stories with Laura about my infamous “cubicle neighbor.”
(Part I, II and III)
She was an older lady who drove me crazy by having loud phone conversations with her annoying teenage children, using the phone book to find people’s phone numbers, and asking me how to make labels using a TYPEWRITER when she had a computer at her desk.

Now I have a new job and instead of sending Laura stories of cubicle neighbor, I send her stories of cubicle mate. Cubicle mate and I have no wall between us which I was worried about when I first started this job, but have since grown to love. Cubicle mate is the opposite of cubicle neighbor. She is in her mid twenties, leads a very entertaining life which she likes to tell me stories about from time to time, and would probably slap someone if she saw them using a phone book instead of Google.

Here are some of my favorite things she has shared with me. And anything in quotes is, believe it or not, a direct quote from cubicle mate. I can’t make this stuff up.

“I really want to go on a reality TV show to win the prize money so I can quit my job and work on writing a script for a sitcom every day.”

“My niece was born! Here are some pictures. This is our new relationship now by the way. I show you pictures of her and you tell me how cute she is.”

Playing techno music kind of loud on her computer: “This is what my Serbian cousins blare in the cars while they drive around with their windows down.”

Talking about our awkward/ugly phases as kids: “My awkward stage was from like…. age 0 through 20.”

“All the creepiest guys are the ones who ask me out. One time the anesthesiologist from my COLONOSCOPY asked for my number when I was still all drugged up so I gave it to him by accident.”

“I’m going to get everyone in the Christmas spirit.” *starts blasting Kenny G’s rendition of “Little Drummer Boy” from her computer.

“I want a job where I can walk around all day. Maybe I should be a mailman. Actually no. I would only want that job if I lived in Hawaii.” 5 minutes later I look over at her desk and see her looking at pictures of Hawaii on her laptop.

Cubicle Mate: “I have this ‘World’s Best Employee’ trophy that I bought for myself.” *pulls trophy out from desk drawer and shows me
Me: “You should put it out on your desk.”
Cubicle Mate: “Yes! Then it will make people think someone actually gave it to me and anytime they think ‘***** is a bad employee’ they’ll see this trophy and rethink.”
(Trophy has been out on her desk ever since.)

There is never a dull moment with her.

…And you will hereafter refer to me as such

You might have heard that I work with teenagers at my church..

If you haven’t, I suggest reading one or all of these before going further:

Chaperoning at the Happiest Place on Earth
Wherein I am either the worst chaperone or the best one
Joining the club
Self-esteem boosters with Sarah

So yeah. I’m one of five adults that helps lead our youth group, and with that title comes power and as Uncle Ben Parker says, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

(Or Stan Lee says it – I took a picture of him from five feet away once, look!)

IMG_5532

Anyway, I’m getting off topic. Sorry. It’s the holidays, I’m delirious.

Most recently, one of the events we did with the youth was the 30-Hour Famine, a fundraising event benefiting World Vision’s hunger relief efforts and as part of it we play a bunch of games, have a lock-in and don’t eat for 30 hours straight.

I took charge of this particular event, at least as far as getting the info and game stuff we needed ordered.

Well. Apparently if you have stuff delivered to a church now it automatically makes you a Rev. Because this is what was on the box.

photo-16

I think that means I can perform weddings now, so… add that to the resume.

Sounds familiar

I couldn’t stage a comeback without including an old favorite for y’all.

You know the drill. Texts From Last Night publishes texts that could very well be from my friends, even though the area codes are different…

Sounds like…me
(865) I’m so drunk. Liken realign drink
(615) Like really drunk?
(615) Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?

(304) I’m cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that’s not why they want to live on their own is lying.

(412) I think I’m crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me

(570) Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart

(204) We need to invent and abuse teleportation

(770) He sent me a text from across the party that said “your sexy.” I just couldn’t.

(705) I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they all came out and I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that’s so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests’ twitter, damn.

(330) when in doubt, it’s too much cheese

(360) So much rum. So many feels.

(563) He saw one of my bras on the floor and said “damn you could eat soup out of this.”

(251) Apparently I yelled “Spring Break 1984” at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.

(336) Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth

(609) I began mixing Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels and called it Captain Jack Sparrow. I puked. A lot.

(717) Somehow I got food poisoning and alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I’m waiting for my tv to make its move.

Sounds like…Rachel
(615) If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. not only monetarily, but spiritually as well.

(301) I will be there. Invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.

(517) I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
(517) I will probably dream about it.

(+27) This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.

(301) OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I’m pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.

(985) How is there no taco emoji?! That’s some bullshit.

(954) In the second smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme

(617) just gave a Yankees fan wrong directions to Fenway…welcome to boston asshole

Sounds like…Sami
(506) That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room.

(949) I’m not even pretending to study anymore. I’m straight up sleeping in the library.

(602) Remind me to tell you how I’ve been deaf since Sunday at 1245.

(805) My mom asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday

(575) We are taking shots off spoons and listening to Mary Poppins

(905) You called me and said “Aidan’s unconscious” to which he said “I’m conscious. I’m conscious pilot.”
(1-905) He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.

Sounds like…Caitlin
(207) Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.

(843) Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cause I think that’s what it feels like.

(717) I just instagrammed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night.

(513) I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I’m a gem.

(678) You is good. You is important. You is a slut

(931) On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experience

(330) She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.

(413) I think the name vodka for girl is amazing

Sounds like…Anna
(508) Eredayimstrugglin… Can we talk about the fact that I just typed “er” and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.

(503) I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I’d probably marry him.

Sounds like…Jennifer
(608) I’m trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover

(586) If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style

(918) I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend’s bathroom floor from time to time

(925) Where did you go?
(1-925) I’m not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I’m never leaving. Ever.

(330) i need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.

(239) We call her skankles because she’s a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious.

(860) You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face.

(918) It sounds miserable… I have to wear a dress AND it’s a cash bar?

(609) And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions I’ll kill you

(202) I’m drunk with people I love less than you. Fix it.

(646) Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
(718) Do you want my opinion or society’s?
(646) I want your company.

Sounds like…Liz
(765) My mom just added me on Facebook. She has one like and it’s Will Smith.

(706) The worst part about being a grammar nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled.

(512) How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to God, I get the lamest drunk injuries.

(386) In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.

(757) I’m not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet

(847) So many Oreos I’m regretting this decision already but I’m happy at the same time… The straddle is real.
(847) Struggle. Not straddle. I’m not straddling anyone

(815) Also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up

(530) I’m sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How’s your Monday?

(618) ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL

(231) You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.

(740) No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I’ll ever be I love you

Secret ingredient

So at youth group, we let the youths cook.

Yeah, I really just said “youths” so I could use that gif. Because I love it so much.

We gave them the ingredients but no recipes. However, next time they would like things to be different.

Jonathan, twelfth-grader: “Next time we should get to bring our own ingredients.”
Mark, sixth-grader: “Yeah, I’m bringing my mom.”

Mark has already figured out my approach to cooking. Good on him for learning it at such a young age.