I watch a lot of television, as you know, and with that unfortunately comes a lot of commercials. The other day in particular (may have been related to other things but still) I noticed that there is one specific television commercial that drives me absolutely nuts.
Spoiler alert, I am not talking about Tony Malito’s commercials. Or the Charmin bears. Those make me feel borderline violent with their awfulness. I change the channel immediately.
No, the one(s) I’m talking about that make me irrationally angry are the teeth whitening commercials. And here’s why. They’re ALWAYS about women. Women sitting at lunch talking about how their teeth aren’t the same color as Kleenex and how it’s ruining pictures of them (keep in mind these are models, basically, with nowhere close to gross color teeth) and their date may not like them tonight because of it.
So many problems with this. One – women aren’t the only ones who have discolored teeth. Two – I have never sat there and worried about my teeth being the problem on a date. I worry more about my general awkwardness and anxiety ruining things. And if my eyeliner looks like shit or not. Three – there is nothing wrong at all with these women in the commercials’ teeth. Show normal, regular humans who haven’t been put through makeup and have better dental care options than most people I know (or at least enough money for it), and then maybe I’ll buy into it some. But damn. Stop.
Some other things that bother me more than they should (and probably more than they bother most people):
– The sound of people eating in an otherwise quiet room. With their mouths open, especially.
– The words “breaks silence” or “speaks out” in a headline. Get a thesaurus.
– What passes for “news” these days – aka news stories about tweets.
– Speaking in unison. Like when they have twins do it in movies or on TV to be funny or cute or something, it physically hurts me.
– When people say “He’s 79 years young.” We get it. He’s 79 but doesn’t act old so if we say this you’ll realize how young he feels. I don’t care. Stop saying it. I say I’m 32. No clarification is needed. Age is a number, not a segue into a discussion about your lifestyle.
– Madonna. Why is she still a thing?
– When people do that thing with their eyelids – flip them inside out? VOMIT.
– Interviewers on most TV news. Come up with better questions. And ones with less obvious answers.
– Hearing someone talk about their obviously horrible habits like it’s endearing – mainly this one is brought to mind because of something that happened when I was shopping at Old Navy the other day. This woman in front of us in line was talking to the people in front of her about God knows what but the part we came in on was her talking about how her dentist has told her countless times to “Lay off the Mountain Dew. And the Skittles.” And then proceeded to talk about how much she drinks Mountain Dew (basically all day every day) and how she follows it up with the Skittles and my teeth hurt for her. And I was confused as to how this woman was also not morbidly obese or wearing dentures.
– Most anything Andy Samberg says or does.
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