Ain’t Nobody Got Time For That

Alternate title: Thoughts That Run Through Your Head During Bronchitis-induced Night Sweats

I get Bronchitis twice a year (at least) like clockwork. Usually in the fall – Bronchtober – and again in the spring because I live in Kentucky, specifically the Ohio River Valley where the pollen blankets the ground like fresh-fallen snow and it goes from snow one day to 80-degree temps the next.

My body literally cannot keep up – my sinuses are too busy getting used to one type of weather that when the next type shows up they just stop working as they should, meaning I’m a sneezy, runny-nosed, coughing, hacking mess. It’s real nice.

Usually I just let it run its course because it’s over fairly quickly, but this latest round has been a beast. Two-plus weeks of misery. I’m currently on prednisone (steroids), a Z-pack and an albuterol inhaler. So I feel real weird in general but I’m coughing a hell of a lot less.

I just started the meds today, which means last night I was at probably the worst point of this shit.

Below, I give you some insights into my mind and trains of thought last night while I was sweating and coughing every 10 seconds and couldn’t sleep/a.k.a. 30 things I actually thought between bedtime and the doctor’s this morning.. all in order:

1. I’m freezing.

2. I’m sweating.

3. I probably have a fever. Too bad my thermometer’s broken.

4. I will never be able to just feel for a fever on someones’ head. How do moms do that?

5. I want my mom here.

6. I want ice cream.

7. How is my body producing this much phlegm?

8. Idea: A vacuum of sorts that you stick down your throat and it just sucks all the phlegm out of your lungs and airways. Is that a thing? It should be.

9. If I’m not gonna sleep, I should keep listening to the Hamilton Soundtrack.

10. Goddang I’m obsessed with Hamilton right now.

11. If I don’t think about coughing I don’t cough..

12. Shit. That didn’t work for very long.

13. EW.

14. All I can think of is those Mucinex commercials and I wanna throw up.

15. I’m sweating.

16. When I coughed earlier it was a little red – probably because my throat is raw from doing this for TWO WEEKS.

17. It has to be that because otherwise it’s that thing in Moulin Rouge where she coughed herself to death throughout the whole movie.

18. That was TB though. I know 100% I do not have tuberculosis.

19. So many things hurt right now. Cheeks, tongue, I think I bruised a rib.

20. On the other hand, I may have significantly tightened my core muscles – six-pack abs here I come…

21. I need to feel better before my birthday.

22. I hate going to the doctor but that’s how you get the good drugs.

23. They better give me steroids and a z-pack and knock this shit out.

24. I hate everything.

25. What time is it?

26. What is time?

27. Was I asleep or did I hallucinate that I was sleeping?

28. I really don’t have time to be sick right now.

29. I’m sweating.

30. I need to move to the beach.

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