Can I just say, it’s amazing how much more motivation you have when you quit a job you hate and actually want to get out of bed in the morning again.
Two days after I left that job, I was a member at a gym up the road from my house: Planet Fitness, which I refer to as the gym for people who hate going to gyms. I say that, I think, because the only mirrors in that place are in the bathroom. That’s what it takes for me to like a gym. It’s bad enough I can see what I look like when I’m running and mouth-breathing in the reflection of the TV, I don’t need a mirror too.
Anyways. I go at least 3 times a week and I’ve made some observations during my time there, which I’ll share with you in list form below in a bit of stream-of-consciousness. Read at your own risk.
1. That man is riding the stationary bike in jeans. God bless him, that can’t be comfortable.
2. I should turn the TV on, even though I’m watching Netflix on my Kindle. No need to see what I look like whilst running.
3. This is the fourth time I’ve started Couch to 5K. Maybe fourth time’s the charm?
4. I cannot come in last at the 5K Sara is doing before her wedding and I’ve committed to because then I am the lazy bridesmaid.
5. Really? 40 other treadmills open and you choose the one beside me, lady having a loud cell phone conversation while she walks?
6. Thank God for Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt. It makes me pay absolutely no attention to how long I have been running.
7. Peeno Noir. Midsize Car. Caviar.
8. Did all the other people around me just hear me LOL at this show?
9. I want to start a fundraiser for getting these old men workout clothes. This guy’s wearing khakis!
10. Why does your stomach feel weird when you run?
11. My biggest fear is a fart while running. Also a fart during yoga, but good thing I don’t do yoga, except for that one time.
12. My workout pants are falling down while I run. New biggest fear: Showing ass at the gym.
13. Titus Andromedon is my spirit animal.
14. I need to double up on sports bras when I run.
15. I seriously fought with myself over coming today and why? I’m always glad to be working out when I’m actually here.
16. Could I fit a treadmill somewhere in my condo? Would it make the downstairs neighbors hate me?
17. I am sweating from every pore in my body right now.
18. Week 5 is not as scary as I remember it being last time.. #progress
19. *looks longingly at stair-stepper machine* One day, I will not be afraid to try you out.
20. I could do the star-stepper today.
21. Better not.
22. I’m coming for you, stair-stepper.
23. Arm machines. Let me just move the pin from where the previous user did 110 pounds….down to….30.
24. Ooh this machine makes you basically stare at someone’s stomach while they’re on the elliptical. That’s not awkward at all.
25. My boobs are smooshed by it too, cool.
26. Let’s try 40 pounds on this one.
27. This machine isn’t too bad.
28. Tomorrow my arms will be like jellyfish tentacles flailing about.
29. This leg machine looks easy enough. Let’s do like 60 pounds on this one.
30. Holy shit I broke my butt.
31. I can’t walk now.
32. Back machine – I can do 110 pounds on this one, so suck it heavy-lifters.
33. Ludacris Pandora is distracting me from counting my reps because it’s so damn good. Every. Single. Song!
34. I need to invest in workout attire with some sort of pockets.
35. Will boob sweat damage my iPhone?
36. Another arm machine that smooshes the boobs. Whyyyyyy?
37. Just realized I was singing Eminem out loud. Whoops.
38. I’ve been coming here for two months. Why are my arms still this weak?
39. I should do kickboxing.
40. I don’t have the money to do kickboxing.
41. I know nothing about kickboxing either. Do you kick and punch?
42. “I like to kick. And stretch. And kick.”
43. I have 8 SNL episodes on my DVR. Should get on that.
44. Oooh and like 4 episodes of Dateline.
45. I guess I’m done. I think? I feel good, but sweaty, but good.
46. When I have more money I’m upgrading so I can use the massage tables.
47. That’s a genius idea to have those here.
48. Sometimes I just want to sit in that chair at the entrance shaped like a hand and welcome people.
49. I need all the showers.