It’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these..
For those who might be new to the party… I am in about three different group texts that I communicate in regularly, with my very best friends.
These texts aren’t from them, they’re ones that got submitted to textsfromlastnight.com, but they very easily could be from one or more of my friends.
(816): I just bought myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
(727): He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned “I know this gets you going.” What?
(516): He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
(281): I’m slowly getting to where I don’t hate people anymore. (281): Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
(978): I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can’t win ’em all
(585): There’s just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
(203): So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
(508): I just said “I love my cat” as a hobby.
(307): All im saying is that my face might fall off.
(425): Please don’t throw the wedding bouquet at me
(815): All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
(423): But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
(720): This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
(540): Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
(319): Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
(303): I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
(757): Why is “Oprah of drinks” written on my arms? (540): You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, “You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink.”
(910): It’s sad that I’m more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
(219): are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
(860): I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
(240): Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90’s and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
(813): Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
(845): If a treadmill opens up I’ll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
(387): It’s astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
(215): Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
(415): I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
(502): I mean, it’s just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can’t live up to it.
603): omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you’re singing “where are you Pizza” to the tune of “where are you christmas” too loudly
(321) YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
(847): You texted me the words “butt stuff” 53 times in a four hour period last night.
(608): I’m just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
(207): I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked….
(813): This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone) (863): New phone new life!
(603): Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
(978): i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930’s would have died from
(248): Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
(360): All I’ve had to eat today are potatoes…and by that I mean vodka and chips
(216): Those nachos came to me in a dream
(425): I feel sorry for the person who’s phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I’m giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
(707): So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
(707): I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me’s hero
(519): Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
(225): You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
(585): I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
(716): So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
(575): Apparently I was telling them, “I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON’T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR,” and I pulled my hair back and puked.
(516): People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
(814): The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.