Cubicle Neighbor Chronicles Part IV

Editor’s note: This post was not written by the author of this blog. The author of this post has asked to remain anonymous on account of he/she does not want to lose his/her job.

In the past I regularly shared stories with Laura about my infamous “cubicle neighbor.”
(Part I, II and III)
She was an older lady who drove me crazy by having loud phone conversations with her annoying teenage children, using the phone book to find people’s phone numbers, and asking me how to make labels using a TYPEWRITER when she had a computer at her desk.

Now I have a new job and instead of sending Laura stories of cubicle neighbor, I send her stories of cubicle mate. Cubicle mate and I have no wall between us which I was worried about when I first started this job, but have since grown to love. Cubicle mate is the opposite of cubicle neighbor. She is in her mid twenties, leads a very entertaining life which she likes to tell me stories about from time to time, and would probably slap someone if she saw them using a phone book instead of Google.

Here are some of my favorite things she has shared with me. And anything in quotes is, believe it or not, a direct quote from cubicle mate. I can’t make this stuff up.

“I really want to go on a reality TV show to win the prize money so I can quit my job and work on writing a script for a sitcom every day.”

“My niece was born! Here are some pictures. This is our new relationship now by the way. I show you pictures of her and you tell me how cute she is.”

Playing techno music kind of loud on her computer: “This is what my Serbian cousins blare in the cars while they drive around with their windows down.”

Talking about our awkward/ugly phases as kids: “My awkward stage was from like…. age 0 through 20.”

“All the creepiest guys are the ones who ask me out. One time the anesthesiologist from my COLONOSCOPY asked for my number when I was still all drugged up so I gave it to him by accident.”

“I’m going to get everyone in the Christmas spirit.” *starts blasting Kenny G’s rendition of “Little Drummer Boy” from her computer.

“I want a job where I can walk around all day. Maybe I should be a mailman. Actually no. I would only want that job if I lived in Hawaii.” 5 minutes later I look over at her desk and see her looking at pictures of Hawaii on her laptop.

Cubicle Mate: “I have this ‘World’s Best Employee’ trophy that I bought for myself.” *pulls trophy out from desk drawer and shows me
Me: “You should put it out on your desk.”
Cubicle Mate: “Yes! Then it will make people think someone actually gave it to me and anytime they think ‘***** is a bad employee’ they’ll see this trophy and rethink.”
(Trophy has been out on her desk ever since.)

There is never a dull moment with her.

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