A few months ago, my life was changed by an iPhone app. Not Candy Crush. GroupMe.
You used it? It was introduced to me by one of my best friends in an attempt to get us all into a group message outside the regular texts. It’s genius, really, because seriously who hasn’t wished for an opportunity to opt out or at the very least take a break from constant notifications in group texts? GroupMe lets you do that, plus you can like comments, post pics and video, have a big group in there, so naturally I pitched it to the Game Night Bitchezzz. They were apprehensive at first, but now I think we pretty much all are in agreement it’s the best thing that’s happened to our group.
The conversations in that group – I couldn’t recreate them if I tried. But they generally run the gamut from almost normal to who the hell talks about this and how did we get here.
That said, this edition of “Sounds Familiar” won’t be like the others. This special edition is basically what you’d see if you got involved in our GroupMe conversations. Any one of these could have been said in there – and may have, sometimes in the same conversation.
Love those kids.
Sounds like…the GNB GroupMe
(407) Halfway through the lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
(314) Going to be a long day. Text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
(606) Does the room smell any better?
(859) Yeah, I sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria’s Secret, if Victoria’s Secret was that she was homeless.
(616) Took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. I’m gonna puke at this wedding.
(203) Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can’t make that judgment right now.
(630) What eyeshadow color says “Yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don’t judge my life choices.”
(406) I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
(425) I am thankful for thumbs.
(425) Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
(425) Land dolphins.
(314) i just tried to text you by typing “whoa” into my contacts.
(832) Get you some cowboy.
(832) In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
(612) I got “plug” during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it.
(919) All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
(312) His constant posting of “inspirational” Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It’s like holy shit dude, you’re almost 30.
(719) Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman i met on the bus. What are you doing?
(847) I was like kind of drunk but mostly just enthusiastic about Beyonce.
(541) Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy.
(302) I’m training the dog to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I’m going to be the coolest parent ever.
(805) Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313) Everything hurts.
(856) She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
(513) She’s dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a “campfire taste”
(610) Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night
(318) There is a glee singalong. It’s on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape.
(586) If I ever have a kid with an outie I’m giving it up for adoption.
(518) So I’m going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way too many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me.
(330) WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING & FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND “hot shot 6th grader”
(585) seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs.
(734) The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!
(647) I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I’m just not a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus.
(816) I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when I deal with people. For example, right now, I’m grading, and I just don’t fucking care anymore. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
(816) So apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. Am I winning college yet?
(518) I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
(919) There is an alarming amount of food in my bra
(910) Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up you guys last night.
(647) Btw…I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don’t let me do tequila ever again.
(703) I think my cats understand what porn is. And it’s all my fault.
(815) You said you bright chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
(559) They were arguing about who would hit the pinnate first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the pinnate and their hearts.
(317) SORRY BITCH CAN’T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
(847) My day in three words: secret purse cake.
(269) “I wasn’t planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway.” — some guy on the bus with a chicken
(269) “Yeah, I only have nine toes.” – that same guy
(512) It’s just weird to think of you as a teacher since i’ve seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
(425) So what are you going to be for halloween?
(503) A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus
(908) In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
(815) I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
(317) Is it necessary to steal the whole car?
(313) I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my grandma. My dad was like, grandma says you’re all over fb but she doesn’t know how to use it. Of course I’m all over her fb. She’s got 6 friends I am her newsfeed.
(805) I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
(714) I could
(610) Moment of the night: You were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt my hand for me. This is why we’re roommates.
(512) You were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the “big chips” because it was your 21st birthday
(203) How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also a lot of other things.
(202) Vodka and jameson is not a mixed drink
(678) Actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
(902) He managed to find a wheelchair and a super mario hat, now he’s rolling around screaming “real life mario kart!”
(334) We don’t have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. So that’s how my day started.
(219) I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
(719) The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets
(719) This has been a party success story.
(812) I would take a bullet for Beyonce’s baby
(785) They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
(785) SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE “METHLAB” FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
(806) Also I’m proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
(631) Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
(508) I believe they call that patchouli.
(561) am i new drunk or am i still drunk
(219) Realized we were outta OJ, used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here.
(734) I think the only context in which I’d be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
(407) I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank God we didn’t work out because I can’t be with someone that incompetent.
(870) Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
(1-870) I’m going to have to start taking your phone after 10. that’s when all the cat pictures come.
(714) GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST WOOOOOO
(613) We are 100 percent horrible people, and I’m extremely happy we are friends
(615) It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes
(+61) I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I’d change species
(318) Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It’s titled “Tequila: Still A Bad Idea.”
(201) There is soup leaking out of my nose. Nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
(610) I have vodka and a slip n slide so if you could come over that would be great
(516) She’s been with the dude for a week saying she’s in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY
(541) Aaaand my mom is wearing jeggings.
(480) Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
(330) Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this Xmas?
(253) I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
(+49) I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with “keep babushka safe” written on it. Fuck vodka.
(512) You kept running up to random groups of people and saying “I’m a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!” and they all listened to you.
(973) Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet. 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius.
(586) It’s a good night to get drunk in my ones.
(908) HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY HEART
(352) I’m walking home wearing Kermit the frog foot pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It’s fucking christmas!
(301) She texted me “with freud,” which I thought was drunk for “I’m with my friend.” But nope. She was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
(310) Quick question, when did I develop feelings and how can I make them go away?
(626) That’s two questions.
(415) Feeling better?
(720) I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
(832) I mean I’m not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle.
(702) God it’s like my stomach is full of drunk bees.