Everything I know I learned from television

Once upon a time – at my previous job – there was talk of sending a reporter to spend the night in jail to write about the experience. It never ended up happening, but I like to think I’d have done just fine if I’d been chosen. (I had a 50/50 chance as there were only two reporters there).

In fact, not long ago, a couple of my co-workers and I were talking about Orange Is The New Black** and they told me that they both were confident I’d survive just fine in jail/prison (there are differences, people).

**If you have not watched this show, you need to. First of all, it’s awesome. Second of all, I never steer people wrong when it comes to TV show recommendations. Third of all, the whole first season is on Netflix so you can binge-watch in four days like I did.

Between OITNB and repeated viewings of Locked Up/Locked Up:Raw /Locked Up:Extended Stay /Locked Up:Abroad, a few episodes of Oz, lots of Law & Orders and those three times I watched Brokedown Palace, I feel like I’m sufficiently prepared, should I ever decide to take up a life of crime and, well, not be great at it.

Seriously. I’ve made a list of the qualifications that would make me a good prisoner (at least in terms of taking care of myself). And because I got them hooked on Orange too, I made my sisters and Mom make lists as well. Who would last long? Probably none of us, if we’re being real honest. But here we plead our case.

I would survive prison because:
1) I am tougher than I look. Like, when we were younger (and sometimes it still happens, lets be honest), my sisters have to be reminded not to hit or pinch or hurt me because I will retaliate and mine always hurt worse.
2) I am a people-pleaser. I will at least be agreeable to someone’s face. Don’t like having anyone mad at me. And I am good at sharing…comes with being the oldest. You want my lunch? Sure you can have it.
3) Due to my repeated viewings of these shows about incarceration, I have learned how to be resourceful. I can most likely make shoes, a shank and some pretty disgusting hooch if called upon to do so.
4) Since I not only watch(ed) shows about the wrong side of the law but the right/other side as well (See: Justified, Law & Order again, COPS, Dexter, Breaking Bad, The Wire), I can help my fellow prisoners work on their case/appeals. Kind of like Andy in Shawshank. And even if I can’t, I know a lot of legalese/Latin that would make it sound like I knew what I was talking about. “Objection!” “Habeus Corpus” “If it pleases the court..”
5) I’m a damn good snuggler.

Reasons I wouldn’t survive prison:
1) I’m really weak so I’d probably lose any fight I got into.
2) My nose is really sensitive and I imagine there’s some funky smells in prison
3) I don’t like being told when I can and can’t eat.
4) I’d spend all my money on snacks instead of necessities to barter with
5) They don’t serve donuts in prison.

Yeah I’d make it because:
a) I’m a people pleaser, I wouldn’t piss people off
b) I’m resourceful
c) I don’t take shit from people
d) im short, I’ll go unnoticed
e) I ain’t no snitch

I wouldn’t survive because:
1) jail is too dirty.
2) I don’t like the shower situation
3) Probably wouldn’t be able to defend myself.
4) Not good at hiding my emotions, so that would probably get me in trouble.
5) rats.

Published by Laura

I've got a few stories to tell.

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