I couldn’t stage a comeback without including an old favorite for y’all.
You know the drill. Texts From Last Night publishes texts that could very well be from my friends, even though the area codes are different…
(865) I’m so drunk. Liken realign drink
(615) Like really drunk?
(615) Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
(304) I’m cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that’s not why they want to live on their own is lying.
(412) I think I’m crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
(570) Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
(204) We need to invent and abuse teleportation
(770) He sent me a text from across the party that said “your sexy.” I just couldn’t.
(705) I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they all came out and I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that’s so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests’ twitter, damn.
(330) when in doubt, it’s too much cheese
(360) So much rum. So many feels.
(563) He saw one of my bras on the floor and said “damn you could eat soup out of this.”
(251) Apparently I yelled “Spring Break 1984” at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
(336) Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
(609) I began mixing Captain Morgan and Jack Daniels and called it Captain Jack Sparrow. I puked. A lot.
(717) Somehow I got food poisoning and alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I’m waiting for my tv to make its move.
(615) If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. not only monetarily, but spiritually as well.
(301) I will be there. Invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
(517) I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
(517) I will probably dream about it.
(+27) This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
(301) OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I’m pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
(985) How is there no taco emoji?! That’s some bullshit.
(954) In the second smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme
(617) just gave a Yankees fan wrong directions to Fenway…welcome to boston asshole
(506) That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room.
(949) I’m not even pretending to study anymore. I’m straight up sleeping in the library.
(602) Remind me to tell you how I’ve been deaf since Sunday at 1245.
(805) My mom asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
(575) We are taking shots off spoons and listening to Mary Poppins
(905) You called me and said “Aidan’s unconscious” to which he said “I’m conscious. I’m conscious pilot.”
(1-905) He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
(207) Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
(843) Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cause I think that’s what it feels like.
(717) I just instagrammed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night.
(513) I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I’m a gem.
(678) You is good. You is important. You is a slut
(931) On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experience
(330) She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
(413) I think the name vodka for girl is amazing
(508) Eredayimstrugglin… Can we talk about the fact that I just typed “er” and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
(503) I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I’d probably marry him.
(608) I’m trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
(586) If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
(918) I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend’s bathroom floor from time to time
(925) Where did you go?
(1-925) I’m not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I’m never leaving. Ever.
(330) i need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
(239) We call her skankles because she’s a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious.
(860) You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face.
(918) It sounds miserable… I have to wear a dress AND it’s a cash bar?
(609) And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions I’ll kill you
(202) I’m drunk with people I love less than you. Fix it.
(646) Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
(718) Do you want my opinion or society’s?
(646) I want your company.
(765) My mom just added me on Facebook. She has one like and it’s Will Smith.
(706) The worst part about being a grammar nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled.
(512) How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to God, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
(386) In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
(757) I’m not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet
(847) So many Oreos I’m regretting this decision already but I’m happy at the same time… The straddle is real.
(847) Struggle. Not straddle. I’m not straddling anyone
(815) Also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up
(530) I’m sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How’s your Monday?
(618) ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
(231) You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.
(740) No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I’ll ever be I love you