Really, these are self-explanatory at this point. And look, Steph, you’re included this time!
Sounds like… me
(352): You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
(606): after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
(514): Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
(303): Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
(502): Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
(303): im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
(612): Do you know how to give stiches?
(1-612): I do not…this text concerns me
(630): There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
(443): He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said “it was just a burp”.
(719): And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
(607): I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
(616): took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding…
(304): Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
(412): It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, “you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion”
(479): Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
(336): Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Sounds like… Rachel
(772): The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001…..i will never question my eye problems again.
(970): i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houston’s “i wanna dance with somebody” you left on my voicemail.
(469): Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
(407): I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
(817): You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
(517): Here’s my first problem: I’m drunk
(303): why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
(478): I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
(610): So I realized I’m not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Sounds like…. Sami
(541): Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
(970): We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
(651): I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
(651): I also found a beer label in my bra and I’m pretty sure you put it there and said “this means I trust you”
(216): somehow we got the entire party to start singing “ill make a man out of you” from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i’d ever seen.
(+44): I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn’t get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said “oh dear” really calmly.
(714): Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
(814): Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
(217): I’ve started making all these amazing things…like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Sounds like… Anthony
(604): I’d steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
(231): You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.
(262): Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
(505): I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
(402): I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
(320): Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
(812): I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Sounds like… Jennifer
(585): eggs and jello shots do not qualify as ‘brunch’
(978): And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
(508): I don’t think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you’ve ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
(512): That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.
(612): Also I’d like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
(253): Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we’re getting a baby.
(608): I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
(506): I feel like everything in this room is sweating
(330): just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
(407): Don’t lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
(408): I’m a little nervous about this St. Patty’s Day party. Seriously, we’re still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
(315): i’ll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
(802): you’re the only one i would trust to do that
(250): Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Sounds like… Liz
(316): its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
(317): You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
(502): I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
(412): I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
(940): Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
(267): yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
(512): In all seriousness…vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
(519): He’s hungover and at the neighbour’s garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
(215): the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
(530): Maybe I’m a robot.
(831): You can’t be that drunk already
(484): we found you under the sink… we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
(915): Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
(919): I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
(812): Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i’ve ever made in my life.
(843): The nurse told me they’re using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
(480): Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
(402): I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
(208): Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up… not awkward at all.
(850): Male strippers are involved. You are coming
(513): Ok just don’t go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can’t take that.
Sounds like… Caitlin
(198): im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
(913): You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
(802): I’ve got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
(913): I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
(443): Don’t try to dry clothes in the microwave. They’ll catch on fire.
(732): we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
(304): I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
(613): Sorry my hands just texted you
Sounds like… Sammi
(307): The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
(870): He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
(765): I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
(907): his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
(760): I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
(970): This stranger told me I should “start playing for the other team” and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
(562): I don’t care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
(865): Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them “daiquiris”
(832): I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and “space consultant.”
(425): Is it a good time to tell him he’s getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
(209): Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I’m famous in the country!
(907): This vodka tastes like I’m not going to class tomorrow.
(415): just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
(907): Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Sounds like… Ashley
(559): Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
(366): just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
(614): Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
(682): Well we’re gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
(562): Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
(860): My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
(203): you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
(336): The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I ‘have his back’ in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif’s badge
Sounds like… Rebeck
(202): Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
(704): She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn’t move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant’s face and said “I have a bag of sickness!” I’ve never seen a cart move that fast.
(317): No night ever ends well that starts with “you know what this needs? More tequila”.
(760): No. I heard a cover of “my heart will go on”. This is not sanity.
(814): I can’t wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
(978): The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
(540): She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
(502): I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It’s not looking good for milk in my life anymore
(304): “So you think you can dance” turned into “so you think you can run and slide across the bar”…Jack Daniels wins
(978): Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar