Subjecting myself to the grossness

I’m gonna watch Hoarders. For the first time in a few months. Not because I don’t like it anymore…but the last time I saw it there was a lady that ate something nasty that had been in her fridge for like, 10 years.

Ew.

But it has been requested that I watch an episode and let you know my thoughts and being that I have Netflix with streaming episodes I can take my pick.

Can I first say, though… movies on Netflix are all categorized and whatnot, so this, of course, is under the headers “TV Shows,” “Reality TV,” and “TV Documentaries.”

Underneath that it says “This show is Dark.”

And smelly.

Before we get started, if you’re wondering to yourself, “Am I a hoarder?” My sister is asking herself the same question over on her blog. Only she’s just hoarding things like homies and cow photo collages.

OK, here we go. (I can now only think of that Bud Light commercial every time I say that/hear that).

I’m picking the episode titled “Gordon & Gaye/Sir Patrick,” because you know anyone who is referred to as Sir Patrick has plenty of crazy going in…even before the hoarding.

“We are not hoarders, we are collectors.” That’s what they all say.

Oh God, this is gonna be good. How did I never see this when it was on TV?

I think Gordon and Gaye live in The Shire. There is a lawn on their roof.

Cheese grater is in the living room. First sign of a problem.

Their adult kids never moved out. I’m pretty sure this is not their fault, Gordo.

“I’m not happy with it, my wife’s not happy with it.” THEN CLEAN IT UP! How’d you let it get like this?

Oh, next to the cheese grater is Tidy Cats. Obvi.

These people ONLY decide to clean when threatened with homelessness. Nevermind the fact that they’re breathing in cobwebs the size of their bodies every night and theres cat litter in the cheese grater. WTF. I will never be a hoarder.

Renee is 38. Lives at home. Watches Golden Girls on a laptop on her bed, at least I think that’s her bed, She may have just been sitting on a pile of purses. Thinks her family “just let it get a little out of hand.”

I like the irony of every single one of their comments: “We are not hoarders..we just have not gotten rid of anything.” (She forgot to add the word, ‘ever.’) “We are simply called collectors.”

OK, seriously, the mom, who is 71, fell and was trapped for 11 hours. That’s not “just a messy house,” kids.

Renee is pissed that after the rescue crews found out about the house, they sent inspectors out the next day.

“They didn’t even call!” Oh Renee, why does that matter? Were you gonna tidy up the place before they got there?

“There were 8 policemen.” Um, that’s three less than the number of hours your wife was trapped under the pile of shit you “collect” in your house.

There were cages in the front yard where they had cats. Of course they did. These hoarders always have cats. 900 of them.

They just said there was feces. That’s the point in these episodes when The Roommate gags just from hearing the word.

Oh, they only had seven cats.

Renee is a little nuts. “I will never forgive him for that. He took my smile away, the day he took my cat.” Liar, I saw you smiling while you were watching Golden Girls earlier.

No running water. And no functioning bathroom. WHAT IN THE HELL…………

Oh gross.

“This is probably the worst day of my life.” The day you have to clean your house so you can safely live in it? Yeah that’s horrible.

OHHHHHH SIR PATRICK. Hold on I need to rewind because a) he’s wearing a purple suit, purple hat and purple shoes, and b) I think he has 10 names.

Sir Colonel Doctor Patrick Donovan Flanagan O’Shanahan. No shit. I’m getting a pet fish and naming it that.

He just said he is King Arthur and Peter Pan. And he lives in Camelot. And drives with a creepy doll in the passenger seat of his car.

“I collect anything beautiful.” Which translates to “Anything someone sells for less than a dollar at their yard sale cause it’s crap.”

Samurai swords, creepy dolls, “anything that’s peaceful.” Um, that doll is not peaceful. She’ll kill you while you sleep.

Sir Patrick is now bankrupt.

Oh he actually got knighted by Prince Charles.

He has $100. Where did he get that takeout food he’s heating up then? Or the bluetooth on his ear?

EW bug in a glass.

He has 300 watches. I don’t even have ONE. (Fun fact: My dad’s argument against me ever getting a tattoo is “You don’t even wear a watch.” Because, you know, that’s the same thing.)

“Yes I collect stuff. Do bears go potty in the woods?” Yes, Sir Patrick, they sure do.

OK, so he lived in an orphanage and never had a family. Which makes me feel sad for him. BUT. Plenty of people have survived the same thing without becoming a hoarder and going bankrupt.

(Real talk here… I’m lonely sometimes, but I will never have this much stuff.)

He thinks everything in his house altogether is worth 2 million and if it’s not he’ll never recover. I feel like this is foreshadowing.

Back to G&G.

Where are the walls in your shower? How does that happen???

There it is again, “We’re not hoarders, but we sure have a lot of stuff.” THAT IS BASICALLY THE DEFINITION OF A HOARDER.

Gordon: “I’ll die here before I’ll let anyone through this front door.” Damn.

I am scared of Gordon. Also, he looks like George C. Scott.

He hates the shrink.

Sir Patrick is fancy. Wearing all white. He going to Diddy’s White Party?

Ugh its the shrink lady I don’t like.

Sir Patrick owns many kimonos, I think.

Bunny in a tux! Someone should make an I Spy game out of this show.

Sir Patrick wants to meet a lady.

Shrink: “The world he lives in doesn’t allow for humans.”

They wanna keep all this stuff. All I saw in that corner was Pepsi cans and trophies.

Ooh Renee’s a bitch! The organizer said “OK, well this is good, it’s not raining” and Renee said “not yet.” Also she smiled again. Again, her smile is not gone, as she said earlier.

“This morning it’s going fantastic.” Bet shit’s gonna get crazy later…

Gaye would like to keep a 2008 cat calendar. The important stuff.

Oh shit she has one of those grabber things that someone got at Game Night Christmas. I forget who got it, but don’t become a hoarder!! (But if you do, you’ll be prepared.)

“These are things we’ve collected and I’m not gonna let them go.” Empty Mountain Dew bottles?

Damn they’re being mean to the shrink! “She doesn’t want you in there, so stay out.”

Also Gordon looks like The Penguin sometimes.

Did Sir Patrick just say “Carmelot?”

Now he’s dressed as a jester? Oh wait, no. Geisha.

They’re just standing there and not doing anything yet and sweating. They must be in Miami.

Getting a lot of stuff out!! And he’s happy! Good job, Sir Patrick.

“I don’t deal well with negativity, so I eliminate it.” Way to be.

Oh now he’s pissed. Everything he thinks is worth 2,000 bucks is worth 200.

Gordon keeps giving the camera the stink-eye.

“A lot of control going on in this family.” Uh, duh. I know that and I only minored in psych.

SICK.

Do NOT mess with Gordon.

“Why don’t we just take what we want and leave here?” As his wife cleans up the litter box – oh wait that’s a chair. A once-nice chair. USED AS A LITTER BOX.

Sir Patrick is not as happy today as he was yesterday.

Dolls. Are. Creepy.

EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW bugs in the fridge!

“I’ve never had bugs before so why would you think it’s me?”
Because they’re in your fridge in your house that you live in by yourself.

Ew.

Gordon says he is fine but I think he might be lying.

God bless these cleaning people. The shit they must see…

“The women are the hoarders.” SEXIST.

And they get the cats back! OK, Renee, stop kissing it. Also, don’t let them shit IN A CHAIR.

The inspector just said “On a scale of 9 to 10, it’s a 10.” I think you’ve got something wrong there, sir… that’s not a scale.

SO many bugs. Ew.

I think Sir Patrick’s organizer is Heather French Henry.

OK good, he’s OK.

Also he has two full sets of armor.

Not a happy ending with this one. Sir Patrick had a heart attack afterwards but is staying clean.

Angry Gordon and fam got kicked out of their house – it got condemned and they now live in an apartment with four cats. Bet Renee is pissed.

“They’ve refused all offers of mental health therapy.” Of course they have.

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