A long overdue screening

How is it that I’ve gone this long without seeing Scarface in it’s entirety? Not sure. But that ends today.

I’ve seen bits and pieces on TV (heavily-edited) but never watched it from start to finish. Also, it’s really frigging long!

A couple of the parts I have seen are crazy, though, so I figured you might be interested in reading my thoughts as I watch the movie.

If you’re not interested, check back on Thursday, when I do the same thing with an episode of Hoarders. Those are never dull.

Here we go.

Robert Loggia is in this. The guy from Big that plays the piano with Tom Hanks. These are the facts I remember.

They’re bringing all these people over from Cuba.. I love Cuba. Their food, anyway. Yum, Havana Rumba…

Is this real footage or is the camera that shitty? What year was this made?

God, Pacino was good-looking back in the day. Now he looks crazy.

I would have an easier time believing Pacino as Cuban if I’d never seen The Godfather. But even still, I keep wanting him to speak like a Corleone.

The cops just said “Yous guys.” Of course they did.

Tony Montana. Sounds like an Italian name. I will not get over this.

Maybe I’ll learn more about Miami from this movie? Everything else I know about there is from Dexter. And First 48. So if there are a bunch of murders in this too, I’m never going to Miami.

Tony’s friend looks like he should be in the cast of Grease. Red pants are cute though.

Pacino’s playing basketball – I think he looks kind of like Rick Pitino sometimes.

He just said he’s gonna carve someone up to get a Green Card. Shit just got real.

I feel like it’s not safe to be in this tent/a contained area with a big fire. Smoke inhalation much?

Dude just got GOT.

Little Havana Restaurante – Now I really want some Rumba. Get me some sweet potato fries, stat.

VACA FRITA IS ON THE SIGN! My dad, Charles and Uncle Tony have dreams about that stuff! It was $3.95, fyi.

How to look like a badass, Tony Montana style: Look like you’re smelling something while simultaneously giving yourself a little bit of an underbite. And wear a bandanna around your head like a sweatband.

How come he’s so sweaty and his buddy isn’t? They were working in the same place. It’s hot in Miami.

That Will Smith song is horrible – Welcome to Miami, Bienvenidos a Miami. Party in the city where the heat is on…

Is everything in Miami peach or robin’s egg blue?

Fact: Tony has a lot of Hawaiian shirts.

In movies they always carry guns in the back of their pants. Wouldn’t that be uncomfortable? Like, rubbing on your skin? What if you accidentally set it off somehow and shoot through your buttcheek?

I think this guy is supposed to be Cuban but he looks Asian.

Seriously, the hotel is that blue color, the bathroom is that color, the door is that color. Maybe it’s more of a mint green.

In the movies drug deals never work out. The only place they do is on The Wire.

This should be on a PSA for the anti-drug campaigns, not “This is what it does to your body,” but “You’ll probably get shot or worse.”

Another “Be a Badass” tip: When you talk, look like everything stinks.

OH SHIT, CHAINSAW.

She turned the TV up, that’s not gonna cover the sound of the chainsaw.

Tony’s dudes in the car are not paying attention. And ol’ boy is getting sliced up in the bathroom. WTF…………..oh God. Can’t watch.

They just cut his arm off. Holy shit.

He just called him a pendejo. My Spanish is limited, but I know that means asshole.

Machine guns and chainsaws, they don’t play in Miami.

Also, the guy with the chainsaw just cut through a lady’s room. That’s the kind of stuff you should NOT have to worry about in hotels.

And…Tony just shot this dude in front of a bunch of old people. HARDCORE.

Robert Loggia – Not believable as a drug lord. And his accent sucks.

Tony looks better in this blue suit.

“I hope I hah tha prolem sumdey.” That’s my Tony Montana accent.

Michelle Pfeiffer – I can see all your ribs. Also you look like Michael Jackson with blond hair. Eat a cheeseburger.

Oh shit, 80s mustaches.

MP has no boobs.

“Don’t get high on your own supply.” Rules to live by..apparently.

I wonder if she’ll smile at all this whole movie.

Check out those dance moves. Hilarious. And she is still not smiling.

Her name’s Elvira. She’s from Baltimore. I knew that already though because that’s where she has a daughter named Amber and hosts the Miss Teenage Hairspray pageant.

OH there was a smile.

She just told him she hated him and the next thing they show is him telling his friend “Oh yeah, she like me.” She will when you have drugs, I’m guessing….

I wanna go to the beach.

Drinking fruit drinks out of fruit. I’m jealous.

Note: All the girls in Miami only wear bikinis. All day, everyday.

Ew, the inside of the convertible’s all zebra print. No thank you.

I think MP is dressed up for Easter.

They’re car shopping. Yes, buy that one because it doesn’t have a zebra print interior.

She’s brushing her hair when it’s already ridiculously straight. It hasn’t moved yet.

His mom’s house is peach. There were approximately three colors in the 80s. Geez.

That’s his sister? The way she was acting, I thought it was a girlfriend or something!

His mom’s pissed. And she looks Native American. Are there any real Cubans in this movie?

Ugh that car!

So. much. cocaine.

I feel like something bad is about to happen. Is Pacino gonna have to take somebody out during a meal, again? Y’all saw what happened to that cop in Godfather.

Note: If you deal drugs, and you are Cuban, you must wear a pinkie ring.

“Hey lets go to this meeting in the same exact outfit but in different colors. It will look badass.”

Blue suit’s dead, I bet.

There’s a drug dealer in this named Omar! #thewire #thegamestaythegame

Oh shit. Blue suit is dead. They threw him out of a helicopter. Pacino didn’t even flinch.

We are at the halfway point of the movie. It’s not that entertaining, really. Like, if my house was ever on Cribs, you would not see a poster of this movie on my wall.

Does everybody in this movie have a blue suit?

I feel like I just have to get through this, like I did with Big Lebowski, only that one I turned off before it was over. It’s one of those where you feel like you have to see it because everybody has seen it. I gave into the peer pressure.

I think every once in a while, it seems like Pacino’s remembering he has to have a believable accent.

There’s also a lot of orange in this movie. I’m focusing on that instead of the dialogue. Bored.

Oh shit, secret door!

He’s gonna take this dude’s job, stash and his girl.

One-piece bathing suit…way to fight the system, MP. I think it’s the only one in Miami.

Is she wearing a silk shirt over her bathing suit? That doesn’t really absorb water.

Pick Tony, MP. He’s much better looking than Robert Loggia. Even if his accent isn’t legit.

He barely knows this girl and just asked her to marry him. This is The Bachelor! With more cocaine!

Blue suit. Imagine that.

Oh shit, his sister’s at the club. He’s gonna kill somebody.

Bout to be a fight up in this club…

His sister will never be able to date anybody. He’s bout to kill this dude.

She has Diana Ross hair. Aaaaaaaand he slapped her. Wow..what’s worse is she fell on the men’s bathroom floor. That’s meaner than the slap.

Detective Munch tellin’ jokes at this club? Wow. So many people in this movie!

“He loves you, that’s why he did it” No….

She’s 20? WTF. I thought she was 40.

Now there’s a guy in a weird mask dancing…what kind of club is this?

Those napkins are not hiding your machine guns. Not obvious at all.

Oh damn, dude in the mask got shot! He was just doing his thing, trying to entertain the people…

So many Hawaiian shirts..

Also he’s pretty much the Godfather in this movie too.

Oh Robert Loggia, you ’bout to be dead.

“What’s the gun for, Tony?” Uh oh.

Loggia has a necklace with pi on it? Why?

Tony just called him a pig that doesn’t fly straight? I don’t think he understands English.

Shooting someone in the stomach apparently sounds like they’re being shot underwater.

Tony looks rough. Everybody’s dead. Except that one guy who looks like the chef at Chuckee Cheese. He’s the only one not killed. “You wanna job?” Don’t say no, dude.

Everything MP owns in this movie is silk. WTF.

Whoa that’s a lot of money.

80s montage! That wedding dress is horrible.

Also, Tony’s bff is totally gonna do it with Tony’s sister….who still has Diana Ross hair.

“You watched us get married, now come look at my tiger.” He bought a tiger. ‘Cause he could.

MP’s nose is so small, it looks like she’s perpetually snorting something. Oh wait she is.

Manny’s cute. Why can’t Gina go out with him? Don’t be a bitch, Tony.

I just wikipedia’d Manny. He actually is Cuban. And is no longer attractive. And did a show on PBS. And he’s on Breaking Bad.. I gotta start watching that.

They’re like, having a meeting while Tony’s in the tub. “Come talk to me while I take a bath and my wife does cocaine.”

Apparently when you have loads of money, you build a huge bathtub, take a bubble bath in it and threaten people from it. Like Bif in Back to the Future 2.

Silk pantsuit! Who sleeps in that?

Manny’s getting the shaft. Tony’s not letting him do anything. And he’s gonna drop that remote in the bathtub…

Is it carpeted around the tub? Wtf?

So much money they had to stay up all night counting it? #firstworldproblems

Oh, also, everyone else in the room is a cop.

I KNEW THERE WAS A CAMERA IN THE CLOCK!

This is the Godfather with Cubans. And less interesting. They shipped him to another country to keep from going to jail. Seen that before.

We are watching them watch TV….is that Jack Nicholson?

Nope.

Blue velour pillows. Oh, 1983.

Also, blue velour doesn’t go well with red. Walls. Or blood, probably, because you know somebody’s ’bout to get it, probably. These are drug kingpins.

How long is this movie?

There’s another pinkie ring.

“I’ve got a junkie for a wife.” You’re just now noticing this?

Did she just say she has a pig as a friend? Why so many mentions of pigs in this movie? I haven’t seen one yet.

“I’m not stoned, you’re stoned.” Good comeback.

I’m pretty sure that lady at the table next to them just said “Check please.”

“Say goodnight to the bad guy.” I’m gonna do that next time I leave a restaurant. Stand up and yell that to everyone.

Is that a car or a spaceship? Whatever it is, I think Charlie Chaplin was driving it. I also think now Tony’s gonna kill him.

Are they gonna blow up that dude’s car? I don’t even know who it is!

Oh shit. Kids in the car. Tony’s hardcore but he’s not killin’ no kids.

Why did they just speak in Spanish for 2.5? They were in the car with their own guys. Who also speak Spanish.

Tony’s going incognito, apparently. In a station wagon.

And he shot the dude that was gonna set off the bomb. While driving.

Everything in this movie is bright red. Or baby blue. THESE COLORS DON’T MATCH.

His mom hates him. And now he’s going to find Gina. Why? She didn’t do anything.

Oh snap, Manny’s there. And Tony’s pissed.

Damn! Why shoot him?

Everyone’s wearing silk in this movie.

RIP Manny. Tony’s an asshole.

Oh and they just got married. You suck, Tony.

Damn, Gina. Her hair is so bad.

Is that a SWAT team?

Tony’s having a bad day. Not as bad as Gina. Or Manny. Sad face.

Note: Actress who plays Gina is horrible at crying.

Who decorated Tony’s house? Cause it’s ugly.

Wow that’s a lot of coke.

And it’s all over his shirt. He just stuck his whole face in it. That can’t be good.

Ugh. I will never do drugs. One time I snorted powdered sugar. It was disgusting. Felt like I ate a pancake through my nose.

MP is gone. Thank you for your fine contribution to this movie. And by that I mean, I almost didn’t notice you weren’t around.

I miss Manny.

Tony gets really sweaty. I think it’s 1049 degrees in Miami all the time.

Damn they just killed all his dudes…they’re like ninjas! Nobody even heard them coming!

This won’t end well.

Did he just growl at his pile of cocaine?

Yeah, take some more, that will help.

I think Tony’s in love with his sister. Knew it. Since the beginning of the movie. That’s too close. Gross.

She’s naked. And crazy. And shooting him.

Daaaaaaaaamn, they got her with a machine gun.

Who are these guys? The Colombian guy’s people? Cops?

No time to yell for Gina. Gina’s super-dead.

He’s apologizing. It’s a little late, bud.

Ninjas!

I’m watching this after midnight. My neighbors must be wondering what the hell is going on.

I think he thinks Gina isn’t dead.

Drugs, man…

Yeah, it’s like 15 against 1. You’re not gonna win…

There it is – “Say hello to my little fren.”

That gun is not plain. He just took out everybody. Oh nope, wait, more ninjas. And Cheech and Chong, I think. Seriously.

That’s gangster. He just got shot 193 times and he’s still standing there yelling.

Oh, now he’s dead. In his indoor pool, which is blue. And now red. The color scheme continues.

RIP Tony Montana.

Moral of the story, kids? Drugs are bad, mmkay?

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One thought on “A long overdue screening

  1. Jennifer Cook says:

    Never had any desire to see this movie, and now I don’t need to thanks to your amazing recap! Also, when reading your Tony Montana accent, I read it like he had a lisp. Haha!

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