As if I would kick this important week off with anything else…
(850): Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
(610): I think she’s perpetually drunk
(484): It’s all she knows.
(484): Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
(732): No, I did. It’s a long story.
(484): they paper machayed me.
(215): i told you … never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
(520): Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don’t remember this.
(803): happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing.
(571): How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
(832): He’s just giving off this “someone be a bitch to me” vibe.
(610): My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and “I don’t give a shit”
(1-610): Aren’t they always?
(817): I should know better than to trust a man I’ve seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
(712): We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me.
(310) I do. There’s a bald-headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I’ve only had 2 beers.
(336) why am i a bad person? you were the one trying to get epode to eat tape.
(678) stop it. you sound like you’re giving birth.
(703) Last night was so much fun. I kept trying to lick everyone.
(401) I just puked in a plastic bag at a red light, go me.
(705) I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projectile vomit. make it happen.
(512): I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
(1-512): I don’t know if I should be concerned or impressed.
(215): It’s like the bermuda triangle of cat puke.
(304): you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras.
(850): I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
(760): I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
(785): Um…any recollection of peeing in the pantry.
(541): I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue.
(801): Ya he’s alive. Apparently he’s been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
(585): Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
(314): I’m in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
(309): Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
(925): Ahahhahaha I’m not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday.
(401): remind to leave next time the words “tequila” and “challenge” are shouted.
(316): I just threw up over a bridge. I didn’t even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
(219) just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest because he didn’t like the other guy’s shirt.
(614) woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 a.m. on a tuesday morning = best commute ever
(914) I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote.
(573): Mcdonalds hasn’t even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
(574): It’s 10AM, she’s drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you’ve got to be effing kidding me.
(306): We’re bowling with a frozen turkey in the hallway…ur missing out.
(919): I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
(949): ‘Well you know, stuff happens’ isn’t really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear.
(517) wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
(405) grape juice and vodka is not wine
(860) So two questions…why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
(760) We walked in and the first thing we heard was “OH SHIT! White chicks!” Naturally I made some new male friends.
(505) The last thing I remember was convincing you to hide in the fridge and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
(763): It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language.
(314): I just tried to text you by typing “whoa” into my contacts.
(814): What should we drink tonight, I’m in the mood to be judged.
(406): I defriended her. I just can’t support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
(507): I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
(757): I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil.
(910): I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up.
(315): Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
(707): At one point last night I over heard you say ” I’m gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat” I LOVE YOU.
(914): I’m in charge of his party but you’re a paramedic, we’re both needed.
(208) please don’t make me drink to the titanic soundtrack.
(260): DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER.
(770): Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
(303): So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
(312): And maybe a life coach?
(201): He’s cheating on her.
(973): Are you sure it wasn’t her?
(201): I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn’t change her face in the past two months; its her.
(403): I’m going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
(303): Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw.
(678): You played “let it burn” by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah…That drunk.
(814): I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there’s no need to say “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
(516): Maybe tomorrow I’ll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here’s hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you.
(843): God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
(724): Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS.
(403): And then you proceeded to sneak behind the bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
(412): I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness.
(870): Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
(1-870): I’m going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That’s when all the cat pictures come.
(781): And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
(518) I just sneezed alcohol into a candle and started a fire
(416) bitches at mcdonalds actin like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before.
(443) my #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden.
(415) just learned how to deliver a baby, the things I saw tonight cannot be unseen.
(405): It’s ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren’t saving them for a special occasion.
(570): I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
(484): tell her thanks so much.
(952): Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
(608): It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes.
(231): Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself.
(908): I’ve decided I’m gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
(843): I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
(714): She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
(802): I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
(303) it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science. and free alcohol.
(319) nothing says happy birthday jesus like a shot with your loved ones
(201): We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
(864): He looks like he’d be great Lego character.
(704): So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning…
(713): Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
(203): I pulled some girls weave trying to pull the stop cord on the bus.
(724): I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
(205): I kind of feel like BP. I’m dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
(248): Please be advised that because of last year’s “incident” we will no be starting St. Pat’s day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
(541): You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing… then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it… i’d say it was a successful birthday.
(401): I tried to sit on a barstool last night…it was an open trashcan.
(360) not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, I also got kicked out of denny’s. I didn’t even know that was possible.
(415) I was so drunk I thought Kathy Griffin was funny.