There are at least three on here that I believe the person I said it sounds like has actually sent. Seriously.
Sounds like… Me
(603): He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
(605): You were throwing up and said, “Wipe my face, I must look presentable at all times.”.
(705): You hid from a cop under some guy’s canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work.
(830): No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted “JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT” and everyone started doing them with her.
(570): Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like “pencil sharpener.” Damn rosetta stone.
(716): i looked at my phone & had a message that said “tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath.” I give you props.
(715): How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I’m anxious about it.
(406): Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift.
(717): Leave the bottle at home cause either way I’m not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
(1-717): Gold star for you, but I’m on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
(304): The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I’d take care of my friends puke.
(304) I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
(507) Dear everyone. As mark stated I did the ‘piss n run’ last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. “If I could turn back time” – cher
(916) I told you I would drunk text you sometime… it’s that time.
(724) I’m drunk and confused. there might be a four-year-old here.
(512) he said something along the lines of “fish can smell fear.”
Sounds like… Rachel
(478): He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
(678): Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out “I don’t have AIDS”.
(406): K, so let’s go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea.
(519): He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
(283): He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score though.
(805): Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases… and like 30 people drank it all?
(313): Everything hurts.
(703): No. I’m wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me.
(269) I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. stay tuned.
(401) I just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love october.
(267) your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats.
(773) why didn’t you say something constructive, like, “Stop chugging that vodka”?
Sounds like… Sami
(+44): you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
(404): my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
(513): Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled “2010” on it from you in the mail?
(508) help help how do I get him away from me should I talk in a robot voice or something
(859) they seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. i love college.
(+44) Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future.
Sounds like… Anthony
(570): Chicken wings don’t come back up an through your nose as easily as you’d think.
(781): I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
(860): I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs.
(936): You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper’s clevage and said “Keep this warm for me.
(734) if my nicknames are based on what i throw up, you can call me Jimmy John’s.
(804) I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. fuck a serving size
(610) you’re the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I’m OK.
Sounds like… Jennifer
(330): Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
(406): You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
(1-406): That literally makes no sense
(306): Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
(724): Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy’s in the shitter.
(506): Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident.
(501): You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I’m wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a “Puke Me Pretty” Barbie.
(304) call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Sounds like… Liz
(808): Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
(412): I made a Wendy’s employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night.
(216): I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair.
(780): let’s see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING.
(503): Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol.
(910): Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst… Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it’s obsession with chewing on cardboard…. Time for a nap.
(919): I have been drinking since 2. And I’m now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna’s helping.
(614): Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar.
(217) win + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
(914) There’s a girl in my class named “La-a” pronounced “Luh Dash uh” I hate everyone.
(515) you ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune and 1 deal or no deal ….by yourself with sound effects and music included.
(831) tequila shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better.
(609) we tried to pick out bridesmaids dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?