You know how they say 13 is an unlucky number? Well, in this case it’s not. It’s lucky. For you!
(717): Gotcha. Well, I’m puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says “love the moment” around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
(515): you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you were gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny.
(727): I’ve been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn’t think I was that drunk but I guess I am.
(570): That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
(570): They’re doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
(478): You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover.
(403): You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn’t lose you if you went pee in the dark.
(870): Don’t make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I’ve been that girl.
(925): I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
(1-925): We just have a real special relationship.
(910): You went to jail last night?!
(1-910): Just a little bit.
(970): I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
(707): I would’ve been fine if I didn’t do the three shots
(1-707): You did like 8.
(310): Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
(316):So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
(1-316):That sounds dangerous
(316): Don’t worry……were wearing oven mits.
(815): I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
(616): Don’t be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
(212): You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
(360): you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
(210):Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
(248): Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
(207): I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup.
(770): the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
(913): The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
(816): Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from.
(859): She’s the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon.
(314): I think mom knows I’m drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
(303): I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
(902): I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there’s no hope for us.
(352):there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
(919): The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers.
(207): She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight.
(+27): Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said “Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!”.
(214): How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
(314): Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
(412): on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
(217): Oh, and she’s that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns.
(508): she vomitted in her champagne, said “fuck it, it’s new years”, and continued drinking.
(281): you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka.
(203): WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS.
(443): I’m in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn’t look so pretty “in these parts”.
(404): I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
(714): im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
(727): Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
(650): lol i’m looking through my photos and there’s this giant section of just dudes wearing murses.
(917): Her stripper name is Geico. I’m not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
(727): Was I really yelling “girls night” at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
(408): Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
(831): You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
(206): I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
(720): You’re the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
(608): not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave.
(503): You’re in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
(637): I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night.
(925): Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
(803): Agreed. That’s like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet.
(918): It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it’s a cash bar?
(920): Just found a note from Saturday that says “rainy soft hair”…. Any ideas?
(319):Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn’t know.