I don’t think any further explanation is needed, so here you go, the final one of these for 2011. Any ideas on how to change it up or add to it for 2012, send ’em along. Also send along ones you find on your own — speaking of, thank you, Sami, for contributing a few to this one.
(604): That was an excessively violent trivia night.
(847) I’ll pull you in a wagon. You’ll have a sash and a crown on and we’ll sing “All the Single Ladies”
(616) I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
(585) we can’t get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night.
(972) by the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
(617) the tow truck driver and I bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos.
(704) side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box.
(304): I love you more than champagne and correct grammar.
(217): Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven’t spoken in 5 years, we don’t need to start now. Please be on your way.
(440): i can’t understand anything he’s saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
(604): i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS.
(219): The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
(512): There are so many Jimmy John’s employees here
(1-512): Where are you?
(512): Jimmy John’s.
(317) Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
(850) I’m so hungover that if we go to panera, I’ll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
(253) I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
(602) I wish they made sweatshirts for legs.
(1-602) You mean pants?
(518) steel reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It’s never OK.
(301) Fuck appropriateness.
(304): What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
(859): i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
(701): Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it’s purring.
(403): oh no, don’t get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
(334): Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
(920): Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better.
(860) I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season.
(814) I am not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
(615) we learned a lot about each other. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat.
(603) Question: Would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to “beer me” his number be a poor decision?
(248) Come get her ASAP. She’s “people bowling,” which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
(720) You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to “ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!”
(253) Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night.
(214) Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
(817) It’s like I’m snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
(703) I wish that every time I slipped on a sheet of ice I had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move.
(339) Woke up this morning with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said “the boy who lived.” I love you guys.
(+61): we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn’t want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn’t be together.
(361): Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. WTF?
(253): at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
(785): I’m not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag.
(708): he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
(210): I’m the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
(317): HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
(469): I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lovato cd. And that was the good part.
(651) Hahaha I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes… “TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS”
(918) What’s a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup then drank it. That’s how.
(417) There’s a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
(330) hot pretzels for dinner, snacks and now, breakfast…oh to be a poor college student, everyday is like a carnival.
(623) Ya know, “class is cancelled because professor is stuck in mexico” is not something i expected in college. Let alone, “Professor is stuck in Mexico, again.”
(778) she’s sniffed three people’s necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from…
(1-778) she’s gonna get diseases.
(714): my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i’m so confused.
(205): Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
(870): If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone’s soul, it would be you.
(1-870): You always know what to say to make me feel better.
(810) Just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
(562) I was just told that I’m a premature cuddler…What does that even mean?
(714) Whatever it is you failed.
(805) I don’t know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like its 7UP.
(319) I brought red and green Boones Farm to the white elephant party. Classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
(404) you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. I see where your priorities are.
(510) come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
(330): Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem.
(440): Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and powerful.
(515): im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
(713): We’re drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
(401): Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
(217) We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
(864) I’m going to superglue stuarts hands into socker boppers.
(605) After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
(678) well I just puked at a family gathering, so I can cross that off the bucket list.
(415): Feeling better?
(720): I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
(410): You threw up with your ski mask on still.
(862): Hangover Status: I’ve been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It’s not looking good.
(203): I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
(1-203): You were.
(219) The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
(512): If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they’re ok.