Usually when I watch this show I tweet about it. And usually several of my friends do, too. But on account of Monday was Halloween and we all had more important things to do, I watched late.
And I will make up for my lack of tweeting when it was on by writing this for you. This being my thoughts, unfiltered (but really, when am I filtered) on the show as I watch.
That way, if you’re not interested or get grossed out halfway through, you can move on, rather than watch me take up the rest of your Twitter feed for the rest of the night or get 100 notifications.
Here we go.
Oh cats. They always have cats. He lets them sit on his head. “I have probably 2 million of them. I accidentally lost count.” No no no no no.
Not one of these cats uses a litter box. And now he’s sweeping. Does not do anything. Oh wait, they have a baby pool to poop in.
THEY’RE IN THE WALLS. AND THE CEILING. WHAT THE EFFFFFFFFFF?
The house is so bad the cats can’t even live in it. What?
Oh and he started when he lived with his mother – which he did for most of his life. “She was his closest friend, they went everywhere together. They went cat hunting together.” WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? Also, this is how serial killers start.
“I went along with it because my mother had the opinion that they were like her kids.” Oh so she was nuts?
Cheefie is his favorite cat. What kind of name is that?
70 cats. Hell no.
“We could keep them in a controlled area.” Oh, the ceiling?
“They can be quite comforting.” Yeah, they look like it when they’re all up in the ceilings and the walls.
“If somebody wants to judge me, let them judge me.” OH I’m judging.
Now we have Vivian. Please don’t have a bunch of cats.
“My house is like a museum.” YEAH a CREEPY museum. She has clothes in plastic she “likes to look at.”
Her husband bought a house across the country. So it’s empty. Without her shit. I’d move away from those creepy dolls too though…
OK she’s making me sad. She has a son that got sick and then a son that died. But. I know people deal with things in different ways, but man, this is not it.
John (Cat Lady Man) has no furniture in his house. Just cats. Oh he has a bed..but yeah no furniture anywhere else. But he does have that poster of the kitten holding onto a rope that says “Hang in there.” Of course he does.
“CATS RUNNING AMUCK” AMUCK AMUCK AMUCK. (Name that movie.)
“This seems like a cat-free zone.” But yet, still smells like a cat pee zone. (See what I did there?)
He has 30. That he knows of. Cut to creepy shot of one hiding in the dark in the ceiling.
The one of ’em they’re showing right now is sick. John said it’s cause it hasn’t been feeling well because of the heat. Yeah, I’m sure that’s it.
THIS IS NUTS.
Back to Vivian.
She wants her husband to stay in the house. THEN CLEAN IT UP. Throw most of that stuff away.
OK cat guy. Look out. The po-lice are here. And they think there are more than 30 cats. I’m betting they are right.
“We have cats in traps and loose cats.” Well that sounds official and such. Traps caught 17. There are gonna be so many more…
I don’t even like cats that much but this is horrible. People are crazy. How does this happen?
He’s unemotional. He needs to talk to the rat guy, he cried the whole time.
EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EW. Dead kittens in the ceiling. Like I said, how does this happen?
The therapist just asked that question. “Some of the mothers were very private.” WHAT? Keep the cats out of the ceiling!
They all keep saying “ki-ens.”
No emotion. Next step, serial killer.
Vivian’s husband has an accent. I need subtitles. Or to turn up the TV, that’s usually what I do when I can’t understand accents. Does not work on the phone.
“They deal with problems differently.” I’d say so. He moves across the country, she buys creepy shit.
I know hoarding is a disease, but how? How do the people in your life let it keep going? Get them some help. It can be done.
I can’t decide which of these is worse, visually – John. Emotionally – Vivian.
CAT IV!
Oh God oh God oh God. More dead kittens. And they all have fleas.
22 live cats taken out, 8 dead ones. Wow.
One died, now he’s upset. He was not upset when he saw all the dead ones they found. Seriously, dude.
Aw, Cheefie is really sick. And might have to be put down. Now it’s serious. Now he’s upset.
Vivian’s husband wears two watches. On the same wrist. What?
She also has lots of creepy dolls. And she’s giving most of them away. Good call there, Viv.
Vivian and Sylvester are gonna get divorced at the end of this episode.
“I don’t want these in here ’cause then I will vomit. I cannot do business when I vomit” – Sylvester.
It’s almost over – HOW WILL IT END????
They are catching cats with nets now.
They are taking pictures when they find the ki-ens like a crime scene. Foreshadowing?
Oh shit. He’s getting charged with animal cruelty.
Ew, I will never look at a plastic baby pool the same again.
Vivian needs to have a yard sale. She’d clean up. (NO PUN INTENDED..OR IS IT?)
Oh damn they cleaned a lot out of Vivian’s house. And they’re not divorcing. Yet. Unless she starts hoarding again I think.
John isn’t going to jail. Yet. Until he becomes a serial killer later and blames it on his mommy issues and the fact that some bad people came in and took all his cats.
And we never found out what happened with Cheefie. Damn you, Hoarders.
Fin. (end).
On account of... 
I missed Hoarders because of Halloween- thanks for recap. I have a very clear visual in my head now. Creepy dolls and cats are the worst!
Thank you for noticing he had two watches. It bugged me.