Diary of a hypochondriac, day 10066

7:30 a.m. I can’t get out of bed. My body physically rejects parting from the flannel sheets. Too. warm. and. cozy. to. move.

8 a.m. Step out of bed, left foot first. Still hurts. Something’s gotta be broken or bent or something in there. On account of it was stepped on. By a stiletto. Almost two weeks ago. Something’s not right.

8:15 a.m. Arm hurts. May or may not have something to do with the fact that I slept on it the whole night, but could also be cause for alarm. Bone islands are back?

8:45 a.m. In the car on the way to work with heartburn. Side effect of anti-anxiety medication. Which is worse, anxiety or heartburn? I’ll get back to you on that.

9:15 a.m. I heat up my breakfast and lift the heavy-ass water bottle onto the dispenser thing. Back hurts now.

9:22 a.m. I get overexcited about breakfast and take a bite, burning the roof of my mouth. I have lost all sense of taste.

9:39 a.m. Throat hurts. Probably because I’m getting sick. It is Bronchitis November, after all. Not to be confused with Sinus Infection December.

10 a.m. Is that a cramp or do I need to get my kidneys checked?

10:12 a.m. I just yawned a little too hard and might have hurt my back even more.

10:25 a.m. Arm WON’T STOP ITCHING. Welcome back, eczema, you asshole.

10: 37 a.m. Still have heartburn. Anxiety sucks, but it doesn’t hurt.

10:41 a.m. Notice a paper cut on my knuckle. When the hell did that happen? I should get a band-aid.

10: 43 a.m. Notice I’ve been bouncing my legs for the last 10 minutes. Cause they feel tingly. Another side effect from the anxiety pills.

10:52 a.m. Ribs kind of hurt. Could be because, again, I sleep like a weirdo, or also because my bra is too tight. Damn you, Victoria’s Secret.

11:15 a.m. My left ear is always stopped up. Q-tips have done nothing, so it has to be partial hearing loss from the iPod.

11:25 a.m. In addition to the eczema, it’s also that time of year when my eyes start feeling like cotton swabs. Meaning they are dried out and my contacts are suffering. I’d wear my glasses but they are a prescription behind. #firstworldproblems

11:38 a.m. Some skin has scraped off on the side of my foot from shoes I wore earlier this week. It’s ’cause I walk on the insides of my feet. That can’t be good.

11:49 a.m. Headache’s setting in. I need one of four things – caffeine, a nap, Ibuprofen or neurosurgery. Speaking of neurosurgery, I haven’t watched a single episode of Grey’s this season. Not upset about it.

12:02 p.m. Is that a spider bite?

12:03 p.m. False alarm. A zit. How old am I?

12:13 p.m. Today I’m wearing the shoes Sami got me in Spain. They rub the bottoms of my feet when I walk long distances and it kind of hurts. But they’re cute, and otherwise comfortable and also the only shoes that match what I’m wearing today.

12:19 p.m. I would never wear shoes if I could help it. But then I’d probably get some weird foot disease and they’d have to be amputated or something crazy.

12:46 p.m. Was working on other stuff for a while so my mind was on other things. Now, it’s back to tummy troubles. It’s rumbling and I am STARVING.

1:30 p.m. Post lunch sleepiness. Or the sleepiness is because I have insomnia sometimes lately.

1:45 p.m. Verdict is still out on whether or not permanent damage was done to the roof of my mouth from this morning’s breakfast hot pocket.

2:03 p.m. Wrist hurts. I think I have carpal tunnel. Just on the one side though.

2:06 p.m. Actually now the other wrist is hurting some.

2:24 p.m. Bone islands must be back. I can feel them. I think.

2:35 p.m. Tummy feels a little funny. Lunch may not have agreed with me.

2:50 p.m. Shoes made my feet hurt.

3:03 p.m. Foot slipped and I accidentally kicked my cubicle wall with my bare foot. Big toe on the right foot is probably broken.

3:24 p.m. Leg cramp. Probably from bouncing my leg all day. Nothing to see here.

3:37 p.m. I think I’m missing eyelashes on one eye. On account of the fake eyelashes I wore the other night. Those babies hurt when you have to pull them off. And I think the left one took some of the real ones with them.

3:46 p.m. We are now up to 5 possible broken toes, but they aren’t all on the same foot. I may need a wheelchair.

3:51 p.m. It’s cold in the office. Starting to be unable to feel my fingers. How long does it take to become hypothermia?

4:07 p.m. Pinched my finger in the drawer. It’s like that part in Elf where Buddy is in the doctor’s office after his shot. “My finger has a heartbeat.”

4:21 p.m. Starting to get sleepy. Need a nap after work. That should help, right? Oh wait, no, that’s why I have insomnia sometimes.

4:35 p.m. Yeah my wrist still hurts. I’m done.

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