First of all, I can’t believe we went this long into this month before I remembered I owed y’all one of these. Note to self: do not make habits of neglecting regular features. And this is the 10th one, so I should have done something awesome like post it for 10/10 at 10:10 or something equally as cheezy. Unrelated, I totally know what I’m doing about Part 11.
So, without further ado, here’s your monthly fix. Also, forgive me if you’ve seen any of these before. New settings on the phone and previous saved TFLN favorites were deleted. GASP!
(540) We managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. Don’t hate.
(606) I don’t know what it is about vodka that makes me ruin relationships.
(720) turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card “must have been stolen.”
(404) I’m at Taco Bell and they have a hiring sign asking “Do you like to melt things?” Clearly they only want the ambitious.
(269) I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by Xanax.
(803) For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer….
(703) I can’t believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
(256) You were saying “I am the vodka queen!” and then in a different voice replying to yourself “All hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!
(617): What time did you start drinking?
(617): Maybe isn’t a time…
(856): i’m just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
(814): I’m not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i’ll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt.
(724) also, I may or may not be wearing a cape right now. Hint: I am.
(541) I’m not leaving bed today. And I guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not be named. I’m a piece of work.
(313) so brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don’t live here. I drank it.
(708) either she doesn’t know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll or I just saw a 60-year-old on a walk of shame.
(406) as it would turn out, “jesussssssss” is not the password to enter faith chapel’s wifi network.
(541) My math teacher staples Burger King applications to failed tests.
(317) Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I’m walking down the street.
(404) Just took a career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
(631) Our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. Welcome to college.
(405) I’m at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
(412) there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing “tryna catch me ridin dirty”
(+44) Ideas for Halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
(925) “Ever since I killed her kid she be actin’ shady.” Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
(801) Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes.
(310) It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots.
(850) Lesson #67 learned in college: a three-day old margarita, is still a margarita
(248) New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
(828) if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
(720) you should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes I did just turn that into a verb.
(267) Just realized I can abbreviate Thomas Paine as T Pain in poli theory class notes…YES.
(617) I wish life was like Dora the Explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you.
(612) I’m convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person..
(480) I am in Macy’s and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
(443) where are you?
(250) i just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shitting in our ocean.
(905) I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can’t really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
(210) Apparently, I kept going on about how I’m going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
(502) WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!?
(512) I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective.
(814) i’m thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles
(650) we should be flying in to LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign.
(562) you can’t even see the f-ing Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo.