A gift for you, because I know you’ll love it.
No need to thank me.
(708) Also, turning on the light this morning was a three-step process. Way too hungover.
(705) You would only drink if the Space Jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said ‘Y’ll ready for this?”
(203) These pics are all out of focus. Was this what the camera saw? Or what your eyes saw?
(720) You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup…I think they were more amazed then upset.
(925) It smells like ranch.
(925) Must be all the white people.
(603) Are you going to sacrifice your life for McDonald’s Hashbrowns?
(937) You got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
(+44) One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette, my friend.
(919) I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
(520) I’m six kinds of drunk right now.
(803) That’s why I don’t chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
(609) I celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. So classy. Happy fourth.
(304) Go to google and type XXX
(1-304) ….. Is that how you look up porn?
(732) Just woke up to a 10 minute voicemail of you singing 99 red balloons. You need to work on your German.
(814) The most drunk I have ever been? Possibly. The most drunk I have ever been on a Monday? Definitely.
(204) Ha. I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
(512) You were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the “big chips” because it was your 21st birthday.
(502) I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
(773) Today’s face brought to you by last night’s makeup.
(609) Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win.
(905) She just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
(805) I’m not judging you… I’m judging our friendship.
(314) I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
(202) I’m drunk with people I love less than you. Fix it.
(917) Under no circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift.
(562) All I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar.
(507) So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didn’t realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
(301) That’s what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
(843) He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
(419) When I sang “My Humps” to you I meant it.
(913) Speaking is such a hard concept right now.
(404) Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don’t know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
(317) We just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said “You done it!” with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. I love Kentucky.
(440) Maybe if I keep dancing I won’t throw up.
(757) FYI if I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer.
(231) You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung exercises.
(614) We just shotgunned beers for America.
(650) I say over Christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
(336) I feel miserable and there’s nutella all over my phone.
(202) There is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
(617) I don’t know if it’s the amount I drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on Facebook but i feel like puking everywhere.
(630) They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won’t quit my job today.
(864) We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
(602) So I’ve come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
(229) New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents
(304) There’s a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
(416) I’m reading about reasons for wearing clothing. Is this college or preschool?
(309) I want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
(309) so finals studying is going well?
(203) There’s a kid face down in the middle of campus…people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
(610) The guy at McDonald’s just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
(949) You kept telling us that in dog beers you only had 1.
(425) It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like, “This is my girlfriend, Erica,” and I was like, “This is my milkshake, Oreo.”
(902) If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
(407) I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
(561) Also I got a Jello shot for $2!! It’s like the Forever 21 of bars.
(719) Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true.
(314) I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
(404) what’s for breakfast?
(678) Advil and throwup
(608) You can’t just puke in an arby’s and not order food. That’d be rude.
(217) Turn sideways at McDonald’s = actual directions to a winery.
(703) I feel like after you turn 30 you aren’t supposed to black out anymore.
(256) She’s bipolar. She literally has two facebook pages. One for each personality. This. Bitch. Is. Crazy.
(343) Stop sending me dancing Jesus forwards.
(619) I’m sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. Probably not great for your toilet.
(630) True life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand…then walk away like it didn’t happen.
(864) I can’t wait to get all this Maker’s out of my shoe.
(+44) She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
(907) How are you feeling today?
(330) I could’ve thrown up on command at any point.
(954) I threw up in over 4 different places last night. It was like a world tour.
(952) I am literally missing a chunk of my eyelashes. That’s how fun it was.
(801) My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party.
(469) Btw found the cat. He didn’t appreciate the toilet bath.
(856) I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
(407) So I’m playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, “You should’ve got the boots with the fur.”
(258) I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is.
(570) I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON’T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
(501) All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession.
(707) You can’t just say things like “Great Depression” theme party and then not respond.
(631) You’re just mad because I have donuts and I’m beautiful
(814) All I want to do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
(563) WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I’M CUTE.
(908) And then you looked me right in the eyes and said “I just really want to pet some horses right now.”
(678) Did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
(973) America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7 a.m.
(805) The facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than I do.
(209) I don’t think child-bearing hips is a compliment.
(703) She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
(201) Just taught three girls from Korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
(215) You told me to pour the gatorade on you “like flashdance.”