Oh yes. It’s back. Get excited.
You know the drill. Read, laugh, add some of your own or dispute the ones I said sound like you.
(816) I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring.
(610) You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
(802) he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife.
(916) I can’t even type what I drank. I’ll throw up.
(269) I don’t know where I am, but there are firefighters.
(+44) at one point we asked the guy to play “the lion sleeps tonight” with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
(440) It’s like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once(1-440) that is the greatest description ever.
(617) just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start.
(804) French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he’s pissed and is going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
(917) I think I just saw someone hide a body.
(630) I just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady’s ass. who says chivalry is dead.
(815) We live in such a classy society.
(814) She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place.
(914) I’d settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride
(561) Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons
(715) Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
(913) I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
(443) Just found out that I was singing John Legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
(208) why do they even put the “please drink responsibly” on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequila? no, never.
(720) you should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb.
(630) my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win.
(617) quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate.
(240) I DID try to find you last night. I asked where you were and you texted me the letter “e” and a picture of the dark.
(415) Some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
(973) I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
(716) I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
(304) You were offering to spell people’s name for a dollar.
(909) Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
(818) I’m upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest f-ing thing ever
(403) I think I wrote “thanks for the free alcohol!!!” in their wedding guest book and I’m almost positive I signed my name.
(205) I was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP.
(206) it took me 7 solid minutes to realize “egggGSauceting” meant “exhausting.”
(654) And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
(949) They have pregnancy tests at the dollar store. (949) I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
(519) On a scale of one to America, how free are you this weekend?
(830) she quoted hannah montana in her Facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
(760) i wish they had nachos that got you drunk
(810) I also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what I can tell from my scissors
(336) That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on.
(205) Clusterf***ed is a frowned-upon word in work-related e-mails.
(924) 370HSSV 0773H read that upside down.
(1-924) what are you doing with your life
(910) I then asked the hardee’s employee: ‘ma’am, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.’
(704) Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
(905) i just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse and she’s now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
(610) I couldn’t wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night.
(267) I just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks. I’m waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what I said.
(813) She loves me even though she knows all I’ve done. She’s kind of like Jesus.
(814) I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around.
(408) A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I’m not sure I like Europe.
(517) my head weighs 7 pounds. I know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
(+44) I forgot my ID and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
(509) i feel like i am carrying a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
(512) At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Sounds like…Baby Einstein
(817) OK, so for future reference, in Rome, “piano bar” means “brothel.”
(405) I’m at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of oreos in 5 minutes.
(740) we’ve called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke.
(902) The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat.
(706) We were walking and you spelled the word “oats” to prove you weren’t drunk.
(773) Before I die, we are going to Oregon and playing Oregon Trails for real. Like putting things in a hat and people will pull out whether they live or die. And they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary or hunting accident.
(804) I think beer pong is the only time I’ve ever found a use for geometry.
(215) I too understand the importance of cheesy bread.
(386) I wish we had vans that drove around at night but instead of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena.
(587) she compares her life to Teen Mom. She’s 28.
(248) that’s it, I’m teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm.
(413) his facebook status quotes Britney Spears so there is always that.
(727) and she was petting her beer can.
(502) we got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good joice.
(708) Oh you’re gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl’s ponytail.
(708) he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i don’t want to be responsible for that
(1-708) ahaha ok
(708) let’s call it “werewolfing.”
(412) just watched a guy puke off his bike. beyond impressed. he didn’t even swerve.
(408) They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for Papa Smurf McDonald.
(716) He smelled like listerine and beef tacos.
(508) I just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
(904) I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for “What Not To Wear.”
(603) we’re making bets on your personal life.
(330) He drank a monster margarita at dinner and asked me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
(618) Bought some hannah montana deodorant. Hope it doesn’t make me smell untalented.
(205) Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall…told her the oil spill was her fault.
(204) For some reason there are two like, 10-year-old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I’m in a Missy Elliott video.
(890) what’s a polygalesbian?
(728) lesbian polygamists…duh.
(707) who has a tranny cab driver? i have a tranny cab driver.