(610) Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
(715) She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything.
(949) trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
(256) The kid I’m babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WhY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
(303) maybe I would like her more if 99 percent of her sentences didn’t start with “yesterday when I was reading twilight..”
(919) we took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
(434) NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
(724) I only knew it was midnight because I got happy new years texts while I puked outside.
(937) I did something last night that I shouldn’t have, but I don’t want to tell you because you’ll probably just make it your Facebook status…
(1-937) I see you’ve learned your lesson.
(702) grinding to God Bless the USA? Really?
(1-702) shut up
(215) chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea
(248) are you still at the devil’s house?
(571) On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like.
(714) BTW, it’s bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
(215) I just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
(850) Paul McCartney is starting to look like Angela Landsbury.
(972) I don’t appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket of Miracle Whip.
(412) Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
(937) oh and I really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing.
(210) world’s wildest videos should be called ‘crazy white people.’
(314) I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day.
(917) I just saw how many times I called you last night. You’re welcome.
(704) it’s safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN
(203) They kept trying to slap each other but they were pouring beer onto their hands first and referring to it as their baby powder.
(519) I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team.
(402) Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It’s important…
(707) I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. They melted together into one giant cookie. This could either be the best or worst thing ever.
(719) Ladies, we have an appointment at David’s Bridal this coming Sunday at 3 p.m. And an appointment at wherever tequila is served at noon.
(301) I wish real life had Facebook tags so I could figure out who all these people are.
(520) there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn’t even lived in it for 24 hours. We’re playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people’s cups out of their hands.
(402) Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
(404) you made the cat watch a peta video with you so you could show it just how good its life is.
(713) when I start to cry when I lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed.
(203) I can’t, I’m busy. I’ve been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
(614) Maury Povich’s contact info is in our database at work…I should steal it right?
(760) running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
(713) if only I could text you this smell..
(+64) If it was designed to hold water, it was designed to hold wine.
(813) it’s been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday…and for that, I thank you.
(714) after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles.
(305) Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous.
(516) matt and i tucked you in…you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
(316) Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
(609) I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
(407) he looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards.
(407) weddings at vineyards should not be allowed to happen. I’m pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
(512) The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
(319) Yes. For all mankind please do.
(215) high definition – 1, sheryl crow – 0
(904) Champagne is a vitamin, right?
(805) I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard.
(248) Party’s warming up, a tranny just got here.
(615) 6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said I blew my nose in a slice of bread.
(847) Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you too.
(780) A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor.
(978) We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together.
(814) I just remember pinky-promising you guys to take care of him.
(250) do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
(413) All I’ve done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven’t even done that yet.
(631) Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy’s?
(410) I just google searched “can you pop your ovary”
(270) At one point last night while tipping the bartender, you looked at him and said “If I need money later, I’m taking this back.”
(850) Are they still out there making out on the couch? How do we get them to leave?
(1-850) I’m gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife.
(407) At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed “look at all them teeth”!
(519) i don’t think my arm is broken, I can still text.
(973) Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
(214) Come over. Drunk tacos.
(1-214) that isn’t even a sentence.
(214) I kept the important parts.
(814) hungover + watching bobsledding = I just puked.
(913) Hold on I’m having a staring contest with my cat.
(443) you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming “I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY.” I have never been so terrified in my life.
(603) I’m sober, ask me anything about the civil war.
(407) I can’t believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
(503) I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
(919) I don’t know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
(706) He’s a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
(303) I’m in workout clothes. This is progress.
(760) If there weren’t so many witnesses, I 100 percent would have punted that squirrel
(920) sometimes when I’m drunk I choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
(803) Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
(508) this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums, I feel like I’m living in jumanji.
(214) yeah I was googling pictures of sharks and I accidentally typed “shart.” Huge mistake.